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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fear of reading a message

160 replies

Captainfairylights · 21/12/2022 22:24

Recently I was introduced to a man by a matchmaking friend. I had admired him for some time from afar. He is temporarily living near to me after his divorce in a flat of another friend while he sorts himself out. We hit it off, spent quite a lot of time together over a short space of time and he decided to rent something more long term in the area. I am newly divorced too and building my life. Anyway, although we hit it off he is not ready for a relationship. Not that we have discussed it directly but it's obvious. Not in a good place overall. I may also not be ready. I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself. He knows I like him, and I felt was starting to take advantage of that really just for my company. I felt I had to get some clarity into it all, so I sent him a message, saying that although I liked him, if he wanted to spend time with me that he had to value it, that I didn't like short notice meetings or being dropped for other things. That I was further along the road than he was and was protective of the life I was trying to build. I felt relived initially to have been honest. But something has happened that I am gripped with anxiety about his reply. I can see he has replied but I have not looked at the message. If he is cold, or indifferent, this will affect me, and I have become stupidly anxious about it. We are loosely int he same circle of friends, he is now my neighbour and so I can't avoid him. I don't know why I can't face the consequences of telling him how I feel. I do not want to be his gal pal, but I do like him and wish him well, and am not cross if he's not into me (though I would distance myself in that case) I am just seemingly incapable of reading his response to my real feelings. Any advice or insight gratefully received. JUST READ IT isn't quite enough without some insight. Thank you, I know it must seem daft.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 00:00

Okay, but now we need to know what he said…

I know how difficult it is when you finally set that boundary but then you worry what will happen next. Especially if he’s nearby. You can only control what you say and do though; so get/remain clear on where all your boundaries are.

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:00

melchim · 21/12/2022 23:35

You don't need to read it right away. Sleep on it perhaps, and think of a time when you're relaxed and calm with a cup of tea or glass of wine, or call a friend to sit on the phone while you open the message.

Basically be gentle with yourself. Your conscience knows you have to read his reply, and you will, when the time is right.

Thank you for this. Yes I have been trying to find a moment that feels right, and I have a friend who would sit on the phone with me. And now everyone here too! You are all so kind! I know it shouldn't be a big a deal, but the fear is real! Which, like another poster said does strongly suggest I am not ready for a relationship. I have felt I needed space to think. I was quite overwhelmed. Sending a message like that was uncharacteristic of me. The couple of days after I sent it when I turned off my phone and was back in my old life undisturbed was so peaceful. He's a big personality, as well as in a mess and the whole thing dominated my time.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:03

BigsyMalone · 21/12/2022 23:20

You are doing great OP. Don't worry about this guy. You do not need a headfuck. Stick to the good life you have built yourself.

Thank you so much. No one has said anything like that to me. I think I do feel quite fragile, though did not know it, or look it particularly.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:05

HaggisBurger · 21/12/2022 23:24

Just think - whatever the message is - it will tell you something useful. It will show how he reacts to a healthy boundary. And that’s good information 😄

Yes, I agree, thank you. I just need to feel strong enough to accept the information if that makes sense. Not have set a healthy boundary which took a lot of doing only to feel rejection anyway.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:08

CuriousMama · 21/12/2022 23:42

If you sent yours Fri when did he send his? If it was same day then no matter what his text says I'd say any hope of a relationship is dead in the water.

Do you mean that if he replied quickly it will be something superficial and fobbing me off? Yes, I get that. I think he did reply quickly, but he iis an inveterate WhatsApper. He almost thinks with messages. He does those little audio messages, like he's thinking aloud. And he has a very quick mind. But yes, I take your point.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:10

I'm getting there.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 22/12/2022 00:10

No I mean he'll just think you rude waiting so long. And not want to pursue anything. I'd definitely not want to.

Var57 · 22/12/2022 00:11

Do you think you could worried that he turns round and says yes, he does want a relationship and will put in the effort. After laying it out to him and then finding you felt more peaceful without the contact, you now don't really want this any more and will be in an awkward position of doing an about turn?

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:11

This was meant for DontStopMeNow. 🙂

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:15

Var57 · 22/12/2022 00:11

Do you think you could worried that he turns round and says yes, he does want a relationship and will put in the effort. After laying it out to him and then finding you felt more peaceful without the contact, you now don't really want this any more and will be in an awkward position of doing an about turn?

Yes, I am afraid I would not be able to handle a relationship with him. I think it would be high octane crazy. I think he could really hurt me, not because he's horrible but because I might be consumed.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/12/2022 00:17

In your head you’re imagining loads of different awful, hurtful or disappointing things he may have replied with. In reality it’s only going to be maybe one of those things. It might even be he replies with something that is okay and isn’t devastating. Whatever he says it’s likely the feeling you have now whilst you stress and worry about what he will say and feel anxious about every possible outcome is much worse than how you will feel after reading it so it really doesn’t make sense to prolong it.

In your shoes I would read it now so you’re not awake half the night fretting about it, if you’re going to be awake about it at least let yourself be awake and processing the actual message rather than just ruminating on all the awful things he might have said.

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:18

CuriousMama · 22/12/2022 00:10

No I mean he'll just think you rude waiting so long. And not want to pursue anything. I'd definitely not want to.

Oh. Do you think he would be so put off by me taking a few days, not replying after saying something so definite? I wouldn't be, I would think the person had taken themselves off to be alone. I'm not being intentionally rude. I just have a massive problem with it, a confidence problem.

OP posts:
Courtjobby · 22/12/2022 00:18

CuriousMama · 22/12/2022 00:10

No I mean he'll just think you rude waiting so long. And not want to pursue anything. I'd definitely not want to.

If he responded Fri I think I would agree that you not reading his message by now is also a bit rude especially when you incited it.

It really does sound like you are not ready to date yet and need to spend more time on building your confidence.

booboobeedoo · 22/12/2022 00:20

Take a photo of the message, post it on here and we will summarise it for you in a nice way.

Courtjobby · 22/12/2022 00:22

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:18

Oh. Do you think he would be so put off by me taking a few days, not replying after saying something so definite? I wouldn't be, I would think the person had taken themselves off to be alone. I'm not being intentionally rude. I just have a massive problem with it, a confidence problem.

You talk early on about how important your own time is and how he doesn't give you enough notice about things but you aren't respecting his time here ( if he has sent you something that was positive/ hopeful)

Var57 · 22/12/2022 00:32

If you sit with the thought - OK, I've realised this is not the relationship for me, best to cut things off now and concentrate on myself for a while. How does this feel?

I wonder if all the churning is your gut instinct telling you its not right for you.

If you have come to this conclusion, then his response is by the by. You can reply to whatever he says with something along the lines of... after a couple of days of reflection, I'm not in the right place for a relationship, wish you well, etc. etc. so, it well either be preceded with - Sorry to mess you around or I agree entirely...

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 22/12/2022 00:33

It’s like Schrödinger’s message at the moment - he has both simultaneously rejected you, causing negative feelings of panic, and accepted your boundaries and wants a relationship, causing anxiety and panic! At least if you know one way or the other you only have one set of panic to deal with. At the moment - rather than keeping the negative feelings at bay, which is what you’re hoping to do - you’re actually doubling your anxiety because you’re anxious about both possible outcomes!

DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 00:33

It’s very difficult to interpret what’s going on when you’re in a vulnerable place. Don’t feel bad for that. I wouldn’t worry too much about what he thinks either. I’m really interested to know what he said, because without that it’s difficult to read this situation properly, if insight is what you’re looking for (?)

TinaYouFatLard · 22/12/2022 00:37

Omg please read it. I won’t be able to sleep tonight now.

TinaYouFatLard · 22/12/2022 00:38

Sorry for above, insensitive I know. It’s just a bit like when someone says ‘I know something but I can’t tell you what it is’ and you’re doing this to yourself!

SarahDippity · 22/12/2022 00:40

His larger than life personality sounds very wearing to me just from your description. Are you slightly in awe of him? I think you are giving him too much head space; even though your message was very clear about your boundaries, his reply, whatever it is, is holding some sort of power over you.

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:41

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 22/12/2022 00:33

It’s like Schrödinger’s message at the moment - he has both simultaneously rejected you, causing negative feelings of panic, and accepted your boundaries and wants a relationship, causing anxiety and panic! At least if you know one way or the other you only have one set of panic to deal with. At the moment - rather than keeping the negative feelings at bay, which is what you’re hoping to do - you’re actually doubling your anxiety because you’re anxious about both possible outcomes!

this is so true. Yes. I think this is why I'm paralysed. I literally do not know what I want him to say, and now that I have actually said something real, about what I really feel the cat is out of the box (different cat now! :)) and there are consequences. In a way he has been more direct than me. Clearly and explicitly a mess. I am a mess masquerading as someone who sets boundaries and knows what they want.
I must read it. I know I must.

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 22/12/2022 00:43

Been following this since half ten, another 5 minutes an I'll have to go bed!

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:45

TinaYouFatLard · 22/12/2022 00:38

Sorry for above, insensitive I know. It’s just a bit like when someone says ‘I know something but I can’t tell you what it is’ and you’re doing this to yourself!

ha ha! Yes torturing myself! Oh I'm sorry for all this (but so grateful to you all, this is so helping me) I KNOW this is unnecessary drama.

The worst part is it probably says something totally not worth this angst like 'noted'.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 00:47

OP, you updated your original post to say you read it so I’m a bit confused?