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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fear of reading a message

160 replies

Captainfairylights · 21/12/2022 22:24

Recently I was introduced to a man by a matchmaking friend. I had admired him for some time from afar. He is temporarily living near to me after his divorce in a flat of another friend while he sorts himself out. We hit it off, spent quite a lot of time together over a short space of time and he decided to rent something more long term in the area. I am newly divorced too and building my life. Anyway, although we hit it off he is not ready for a relationship. Not that we have discussed it directly but it's obvious. Not in a good place overall. I may also not be ready. I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself. He knows I like him, and I felt was starting to take advantage of that really just for my company. I felt I had to get some clarity into it all, so I sent him a message, saying that although I liked him, if he wanted to spend time with me that he had to value it, that I didn't like short notice meetings or being dropped for other things. That I was further along the road than he was and was protective of the life I was trying to build. I felt relived initially to have been honest. But something has happened that I am gripped with anxiety about his reply. I can see he has replied but I have not looked at the message. If he is cold, or indifferent, this will affect me, and I have become stupidly anxious about it. We are loosely int he same circle of friends, he is now my neighbour and so I can't avoid him. I don't know why I can't face the consequences of telling him how I feel. I do not want to be his gal pal, but I do like him and wish him well, and am not cross if he's not into me (though I would distance myself in that case) I am just seemingly incapable of reading his response to my real feelings. Any advice or insight gratefully received. JUST READ IT isn't quite enough without some insight. Thank you, I know it must seem daft.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:48

SarahDippity · 22/12/2022 00:40

His larger than life personality sounds very wearing to me just from your description. Are you slightly in awe of him? I think you are giving him too much head space; even though your message was very clear about your boundaries, his reply, whatever it is, is holding some sort of power over you.

omg yes I AM a bit in awe. Yes, I hadn't thought of it exactly like that. And being so direct in my message was kind of standing up to him. So I thought he might get snotty or dismssive. The thing is I don't know him that well so I have absolutely no idea at all.

Maybe it's a dick pic. Another guy used to send me those when he didn't know what to say.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:49

I am so grateful for you all bearing with me. This is taking the heat out of it like mad. You are DEFLATING him! I have been steadily INFLATING him for five days!

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 00:51

Cancel my last post, I misunderstand. Omg OP you just need to read this message! especially whilst we’re all still here to support you :-) I’m going to bed soon.

Pineappleskies · 22/12/2022 00:55

Just look at the negative effect he is having on you!

You should be excited about Christmas.

It sounds like he has turned you into a nervous wreck who has lost sight of what is good and important in her life.

I don't think you can afford this in your life. It's not positive.

You can take his power away by reading the text. They're just words on a screen typed by a virtual stranger. You are more powerful than that.

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:57

Ive read it!

Thank you all!!!!

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:57

There are THREE

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 22/12/2022 00:57

Well?

DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 00:58

Well done ♥️

Spill the beans OP!

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2022 00:58

I think the fact it's causing you so much upset is a strong indication that this relationship is not good for you. Whether that's because he's a headfuck or maybe you're just not ready, it doesn't matter.

I think you're panicking because you've set some boundaries which means you're saying, I'm a worthwhile human being whose needs and wants are important and I deserve to be treated well.

It seems like you're giving him the power to validate you here. To either accept your boundaries or reject them (irrespective of whether he wants to pursue the relationship). So it's scary because somehow you've put the power in his hands to tell you whether or not you're a worthwhile person. How terrifying, OP. I really feel for you.

I want to reassure you that your needs are important and your boundaries are good and wise. I'd say this relationship is probably not one to pursue right now. So read his message knowing that whatever he says or doesn't say, you're okay. It's just information and bears no reflection on your worth or value.

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 00:58

Are you there??? Wonderful women??

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 01:00

Message 1:
Really sorry. Didn't mean it whow I took it. Really does not want to fuck up friendship that means a lot to him

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 01:00

Am feeling very shitty now.

Message 2:

OP posts:
Courtjobby · 22/12/2022 01:04

You are feeling shitty op? Or was that his second message

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 01:04

His life is v random right now. He tries to stay out of his flat and accepts invites at short notice to things especially if they are things that might help him avoid drinking. [some stuff that's not strictly relevant] Really hopes he would see me before we went off to our separate Christmases [I'VE LEFT ALREADY 😞] Sorry if he did not seem to take our friendship seriously.

Message Three:
Inviting me to a swanky party (it woukd have been on Monday).

What do I do??
I feel terrible.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 01:05

No reason to feel shitty

You don’t know him well enough to necessarily take him at his word. But if the friendship is important to him, that’s nice. And as such, he wouldn’t want you to feel bad.

strawberriesplease · 22/12/2022 01:05

Sorry if this comes across unsupportive, but you seem very very intense.

Also, posting his messages like this verbatim is such a breach of his confidentiality and trust in you. It's become about our entertainment.

If you doubt what I'm saying, send him a link to this thread and watch him run.

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 01:05

Courtjobby · 22/12/2022 01:04

You are feeling shitty op? Or was that his second message

I'm feeling shitty for not looking at his messages

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 01:06

strawberriesplease · 22/12/2022 01:05

Sorry if this comes across unsupportive, but you seem very very intense.

Also, posting his messages like this verbatim is such a breach of his confidentiality and trust in you. It's become about our entertainment.

If you doubt what I'm saying, send him a link to this thread and watch him run.

eh? Are you late to this? Theselovely women have been helping me face something! I haven't breached anything.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 01:10

Come off it, the only reason OP is telling us what is said is because we asked her to. If you can’t be supportive why say anything?

OP I understand what it’s like to be in this place emotionally and mentally. However I imagine that in a healthy committed relationship you would be loyal.

Are you happy to only be friends with this guy? Or do you want a relationship with him? Be clear with yourself.

My take is that he is living life to suit himself and this isn’t want you need from someone.

Courtjobby · 22/12/2022 01:13

I would agree that you should never post someone else's private messages, but I don't think she has? I think she just summarised? However I would agree keeping it as vague as possible is best.

I think op, it's been a learning experience. Neither you or your friend have done anything to hurt each other. You are both just too soon out of long relationships to get into new ones. I think you are both trying to figure out who you are as individuals in your own ways at the moment. You are both probably hurt, the futures you had imagined you would have for a long time fell asunder and there are a lot of life changes happening. Confidences needing to be built. It's probably nice to have a friend who is going through similar experiences but not as a romantic partner.

DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 01:16

As for feeling guilty, you could just as easily be busy with your own social life for all he knows. I wouldn’t offer an explanation or worry about not having read it until now.

Reply only when you are ready to and when you have decided how you prefer to handle this. If you’ve set some boundaries then take an even closer look at what you genuinely want so that you can continue to have those boundaries.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 22/12/2022 01:25

Those replies are best outcome!
He gets what you're saying and respects that.
He values your friendship, and has a understandable reason for the flakiness. The meeting up and invitation were olive branches, but you have understandable reason for not taking those up.
Win win
Now you can reply to say something like 'thanks for your reply, you also like his friendship but the way it happens needs to be less flaky, so see him when he can commit to the plan but not continue the way it was as you're sure he'll understand that your own continued healing won't be helped by that.
Good luck getting through the hard part and well done on making efforts to avoid drinking, keep going you'll get there'

Or something along those lines.
He doesn't sounds contrite rather than annoyed/dismissive which is good. At least he's being honest with why he's been rubbish. So you can appreciate that and accept he isn't in a place where he can offer much to anyone right now (on the contrary he needs other people more). Which is fine cos it sounds like he's self aware about it so isn't trying to start an unwise relationship with you.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 22/12/2022 01:26

Yeah, don't feel guilty. It's Xmas, there are a zillion reasons why a message may remain unread for a bit, so busy!

Courtjobby · 22/12/2022 01:36

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 22/12/2022 01:25

Those replies are best outcome!
He gets what you're saying and respects that.
He values your friendship, and has a understandable reason for the flakiness. The meeting up and invitation were olive branches, but you have understandable reason for not taking those up.
Win win
Now you can reply to say something like 'thanks for your reply, you also like his friendship but the way it happens needs to be less flaky, so see him when he can commit to the plan but not continue the way it was as you're sure he'll understand that your own continued healing won't be helped by that.
Good luck getting through the hard part and well done on making efforts to avoid drinking, keep going you'll get there'

Or something along those lines.
He doesn't sounds contrite rather than annoyed/dismissive which is good. At least he's being honest with why he's been rubbish. So you can appreciate that and accept he isn't in a place where he can offer much to anyone right now (on the contrary he needs other people more). Which is fine cos it sounds like he's self aware about it so isn't trying to start an unwise relationship with you.

I think this is great advice

KettrickenSmiled · 22/12/2022 02:20

But something has happened that I am gripped with anxiety about his reply.

I don't think you're anxious about his reply.
I think you're anxious because you know he's not right for you.

PP who congratulated you on speaking your mind was correct.
However ... what's the point? Sure, lay out your own boundaries, that's assertive & admirable. But it read to me as if - having only known him 5 minutes - you're already looking to change him.

Consider your gut feel about him -
he is not ready for a relationship. Not that we have discussed it directly but it's obvious. Not in a good place overall. I may also not be ready. I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself

OK, so you laid down some boundaries.
But boundaries are effective in helping prevent undesirable behaviours. They cannot help prevent undesirable character traits.
If his message mouths words saying yeah he hears you he will respect that he will 'try' to change etc blah blah blah - pay it very little mind. Words are cheap.

This is where your boundary comes into play. You accept that the words may be bullshit (they probably are - he IS a demanding, time-disrespecting man, why would one message change that?), but if you want to give him a chance, you watch him like a hawk. He's had his first chance now, so the very next time he does it - you bail. No third chances.

Your life is too precious to waste trying to fix a man who is not suitable for you & not ready for a relationship.

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