I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

Sorry op no advice just hugs and hopefully someone else will be along who can help x

Just leave. As the saying goes ‘enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think’

Plus blended families aren’t always crappy. Mine was fucking fantastic

You can't waste any more of your life with this man. He might be lovely, but he's not the right man for you.

The sex sounds shocking though so maybe not all that lovely...

It will be hard, you will probably feel awful and guilty, but somewhere down the line you will be SO glad you ended this.

Blended families aren't always crappy either

You made a mistake. People do, all the time. But you now need to deal with it, for your sake and for his. Also for your child’s sake. Growing up in a household where Mum really has no love or genuine affection for Dad would be awful. You’ll need to be brave and honest, but the alternative is worse.

This.

is the house yours?

pull the plug. Tell him that it isn’t working.

Do it now.

make plans 50/50 childcare

Find a therapist. Be happy with yourself before you start another relationship.

As you say DP is lovely, is it worth seeing a sex therapist together? If that is the main issue, maybe there’s a way of improving that?

Jesus Christ, just leave! Leave before you do something so horrendous to the man you live with, and you two end up unable to parent together.

Just leave. You don’t have to end up in a blended family- you could be single.

Re the sex- is he apologetic? Is he wanting to try and improve things for you? Does he consider your needs or just his own? Because you say he’s so lovely but it doesn’t sound like he’s making much effort if he just ejaculates after 5 seconds and that’s the end of it for both of you. I know he can’t help coming early but he could still be considerate of your needs or look into sex therapy sessions

What a sad post. Have you spoken to your DP about your feelings? If you could work on the relationship together and things improved would that make you feel better? Would he be prepared to see a doctor about the sex issue?

Do you think it's worth any more effort?

If not, you have to leave - it's your life and you deserve the best life you make for yourself.

I think you need to end it op. There is no moot of therapy that will reverse how you feel about him.
It's not fair on either of you to continue.

I was the same. Turns out the ex hardly sees his child but my god I'm rid of him. The boredom and frustration was killing me. End it.

You get 1 life OP
divorce and blended families aren’t the worst thing to happen to children- I would stop being so worried about that. Sounds like your DP will still be a great dad, sure you will still be a great mum so your child won’t suffer.

Set the poor man free! I feel sorry for him!

This. What, if any, are the other problems you have with DP? If it's "just" sex, have you talked about it together? If you tell him that it's pushing you to the edge, will he try to fix it with you?

You say he was a virgin when you met so you're the only person he's had sex with? How come, in that case, you haven't been able to teach him what you like? It sounds as though his entire sexual history has been learned with you - so have you just suffered in silence, and if not, how come he doesn't seem to know what might work for you?? Does he actually KNOW how you feel about this?

(let's be realistic here, he's probably none too chuffed about his PE either!)

It's better to end it now while your DC is young, it gets harder the older they get.

Just don't go bounding headlong into another mistake... take some time and make yourself better first.

I've been in treatment for D&A and for years and just a note, it's a thing that it's common for depressed people to think moving home, changing job or breaking up relationship, is a solution.

I am not saying you have to stay with him - and you certainly don't need to spend your weekends with other men - but just saying, ask yourself if this is real.

I have spent most of the year thinking "nothing is working for me" but guess what? Some of it is a case of - it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.

I echo, enjoy yourself - it's later than you think. But just wanted to be sure you're not falling into the trap of thinking change will fix things - it's common when depressed.

I tried numerous times sitting down with my ex and explaining why I wasn't happy. Nothing sunk in. He is who he is. I don't regret now being a single Mum. I get to make my own life decisions without considering him.
You only get one shot at life OP. Act now or at least get your ducks in a row so you know where you'll stand financially when you do finally call it a day.

You can't carry on like this OP. If it was someone else you know the advice you'd give them

Ok - or you could set him free (surely he must realise you aren’t really into him?), effectively co-parent as friends, do some dating and see what happens and just not catastrophize that it will all be rubbish no matter what you do.

You don’t have to shag a different man each weekend or blend families. You can effectively co-parent when not with him of he is such a good man and desires to put your child first as you do. You don’t have to live like this - choosing between two equally awful situations in your mind.

Thank you so much for your very kind and thoughtful replies. I’m currently crying over a cup of coffee about to our baby to bed feeling so shit.

I keep squashing my feelings down and telling myself I’m a selfish mother and person and I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it.

in regards to the sex. It is actually shocking. So bad it sounds made up and like a comedy. I haven’t been able to teach DP anything as by the time the condom is on he’s soft. He managed to maintain an erection we have to quickly get it in me before it goes soft and if we manage to get it in he ejaculates. In fact our baby was conceived this way. So we can’t do any positions or anything.

He has tried. He’s been to the GP. Bought expensive viagra and everything but nope. Foreplay is terrible as he needs directions as in talking through it whilst it’s happening every time. It’s actual shocking and unbelievable. He tries his best but it’s like that part of his brain is missing and doesn’t come naturally and can’t be learnt. It’s to the point I find it pointless as I am NOT turned on at all. No person could be turned on having to literally show examples and give tutorials every time they have sex or have to battle to get a penis in their fanny whilst it’s still erect and they stay perfectly still once it’s in so he doesn’t come. It’s such a shit show that neither of us now bother.

writing this down has actually made me giggle a bit as I cannot believe this is my life and it’s the truth.

The sex thing seems to go into every other facet of our relationship as I don’t feel that romantic connection. So putting up with annoying habits is harder as I’m essentially living with a friend.

we don’t have the same sense of humour but do share the same overall values.

He is so hands on as a dad that I know if I died tomorrow my baby would be looked after just as well as I would do it, even down to the little touches. Couldn’t ask for a better father to my child.

Op you're wasting your life. Relationships like this are a death by a thousand paper cuts.

Gotta be honest, it sounds like you're in the middle of a depressive episode (everything pre birth understandably but maybe PND too?) and you shouldn't make any big life- changing decisions right now. Let the antidepressants kick in. Get a talk therapist and focus on your outlook and your relationship, it sounds like there's an element of self sabotage and a lot of it sounds like you're looking for a solution without a plan. OK you might still break up, and good to do that while baby is still young, but you need to work on yourself a bit too first to start on the right track without throwing out the good stuff as the first step!

He also deserves a partner who loves and fancies him.
Separating and co parenting is far from the worst thing that can happen, especially if he is a good father.

Do you think he may have an inkling you feel this way?