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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

281 replies

WhatTheFdoIdo · 21/12/2022 18:45

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

OP posts:
Grenola · 22/12/2022 17:58

Well done OP you have been so brave and being brutally honest will mean you have a good starting point for this ‘test period’.

be prepared over the next few weeks to feel angry and sad again…. The fact he is so adamant he can sort it is annoying cuz it means he could have done it already OR he is saying what you want to hear. I say this from a place of experience.

also, just because I have agreed to this time period… if you start to feel anxious and trapped again then you are able to regroup and readdress things. You still have choices.

good luck XX

Grenola · 22/12/2022 18:00

P.s

you are also allowed to still not be happy by this deadline if you still want out but he has made lots of effort x

Josette77 · 22/12/2022 18:05

I adore you and understand your situation. You have done beautifully. You deserve to be happy, and sex is part of most healthy relationships. Best of luck. I have been there and am so much happier now. xx

KnittingDiva · 22/12/2022 18:09

Was going to suggest that he may be asexual or gay and then read @MolkosTeenageAngst post which describes being asexual so well (from a woman's perspective). A lot of indications in your posts that this is not a temporary sexual problem which can be solved with therapy.
The good thing is you have opened the discussion on this and you both agree on somekind of plan/roadmap.
Also, as others have said, do not add a pregnancy to this situation, you said you already got pregnant from a very brief sexual encounter!

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2022 20:01

HotChoxs · 22/12/2022 00:01

I'm so bored of these horrible abusive posts, if you can't understand how easy it is to go along with things when life knocks you all over the place it's just better not to comment.

Show quote history

That's a digusting use of the word "abusive" and an insult to anyone who has been actually abused.

There are TWO sides to this situation - or does the DP have no feelings? He must feel like absolute shit!

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2022 20:16

WhatTheFdoIdo · 22/12/2022 14:38

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have read and re-read them all. Sorry I cannot tag you all so I will do a general response.

UPDATE: after my last post and the messages I got I felt overwhelmed with emotion and regret and ended up talking to DP about everything.

I told him I wasn’t happy and haven’t been for such a long time and I believe our relationship is the root cause of a lot of it.
I told him that as great as he is, I can’t agree to live in this sexless friendship for the rest of my life at 30. I told him the prospect of staying in this relationship as it is until the day I die gives me panic and I feel desperate for an escape. I cannot go on living this lie indefinitely as it’s ruining my mental health and I cannot function as things stand. I told him how I cry in my car and that when he always catches me in the hallway just standing there staring into the abyss it’s not that I’m ‘just tired’ like I say, but it’s the turmoil of what I’ve gotten myself into and the future I’m facing.

Although I know many posters on here will feel that very heartless, so I must be be clear on this. If I am going to break up my family unit and shatter his life then I must be ruthless in laying my cards on the table so there is ‘grey’ area. If there is the tiniest chance that this could work then I cannot skirt around it or be gentle.

We have discussed the terrible sex many times over the years. Last time was in August when I told him I wasn’t happy a few days after a disastrous attempt at sex. I told him I couldn’t sign up for a life of no sex or step-by-step foreplay every 6 months. So in august he bought himself a sex book he hasn’t read and bought a sex toy we’ve not used as no sex since then. So nothing changed and he buried his head in the sand and carried on as usual.

So in this conversation I had to be ruthless to avoid what happened back in August of him saying the right thing and then that’s it. I told him that mentally I’m checking out now and I’ve even been thinking of co-parenting arrangements and looked up how we could organise childcare/nursery between us. That is how mentally ‘done’ I’m getting. I told him I have started fantasising about sex with other people and how the thought of knowing I will never have functional sex again in my life overwhelms me with grief.

I also pointed out how he too cannot be happy with this. To be a 35 year old man in a sexless relationship with no spark or chemistry and he must want that for himself and deserves it just as much as anyone else. I said maybe I’m just the wrong fit for him and with someone else he may be able to have a happy and fulfilling sex life with spark and chemistry which he absolutely deserves.

His response: he completely agrees the sex is fucking awful. He said he adores me and our life and doesn’t want it to end. He said he’s been thinking these past couple of weeks about how we haven’t been intimate enough and of his issues. He acknowledged that there is nothing further I could do to improve things as I have been so willing to try everything for 4 years but it’s him that has to be the one to put in the work as actually there’s nothing more I can do to improve this.
He thinks we need more time together as a couple and date nights.

We both agreed 6 months. We will give it until June to improve. Then he says we can both agree to separate impeccably and as good friends instead. He said I shouldn’t then feel guilty as I gave him a chance and he didn’t deliver. He said he’s grateful for the discussion as he’d rather me be ruthless and him have a chance to try to save the family unit than to just pull the plug and walk away. He’s adamant that things will work and I’ll be happy. He reckons he won’t be burying his head in the sand about our relationship and will face it head on as he knows I will walk by how well thought out my separation plans. Although suprisingly he said he’s not worried as he knows he can make this work. I found that a bit odd as if it were that simple we would be in this position right now. But anyway he’s going to throw everything into this he says.

So that’s where we stand currently. Will this work or won’t it? Who honestly knows.

But now thanks to this deadline and discussion I feel as though I can breathe slightly. By the end of 2023 I’ll either be a single parent living a new life or I’ll be content within the family unit. He knows the score and luckily he agrees and understands. If he puts in no effort then I won’t feel half as guilty walking away as I know I did try and even laid it all out for him clear as day to work on.

Thank you all so so much for your responses. When I wrote this post I was an absolute mess and felt I was going insane with turmoil. Within 24 hours I have some clarity and a clear action plan for my own life. Another poster said that the relationship hasn’t failed it we split as well have our beautiful child come from it and that’s along the lines of my thinking. If we can’t make it work but we can coparent with an appreciation of eachother than that in itself is a success.

I thank you all so much for your stories. They seriously all resonated for me and made me feel not alone and not like a complete F up. I didn’t even know it was possible to sleep walk through life, I honestly didn’t. But now I know better and will do better, never again.

I am so grateful to you all. I will definitely update come June. Either in a state of panic about sorting out single parenthood or being content with a real life sex life that’s not just a fantasy in my head.

Well done for having that frank discussion. I did wonder about how you had got to that point, in terms did you ever feel a spark or that you loved him, but someone above thinks that's abusive!!! I'm no relationship expert but for yourself I think you have to unravel that thread so that you know your own mind more and don't as you say, sleepwalk into another similar situation.

You've put your cards on the table and it's up to him now. Even if you don't stay together surely a young man like him would like to have a decent sex life even if not with you? I think I'd counsel caution too - he loves you and wants your life to be together and he will promise the sun, moon and stars to get that.

He clearly has serious issues and needs professional help and whether that works or not is to be seen. Even then, it may not be enough for you, but at least you will have supported each other as a team through this time, and he can't say he was unaware of how things are.

I hope you feel a load of your mind by having this discussion - it's up to him now to take the action he's promised to take.

Please, please get your contraception sorted first! You may be incredibly fertile together if you got pregnant during such an unsatisfactory event!

I wish you health, strength and happiness, whatever path you take. At least this way, facing things head on, you won't find yourself looking back with regrets in 10+ years' time x

Original poster
WhatTheFdoIdo · 22/12/2022 20:32

i don’t know DP is asexual/gay but I don’t think so.

The only reason I’d say no to either is due to how he was when we first became sexually active (or tried to be).

First few months of course it was shit but he was a virgin so I knew I’d have to teach him the ropes. But he was very eager to learn and always wanted to ‘try’. So I know there certainly was somewhat of an attraction on his part and a sexual desire by his willingness/eagerness to keep attempting.

He had 2 sexual experiences before me in his early twenties that he couldn’t physically follow through with due to PE so remained a virgin and didn’t get the opportunity to any further attempts.

To be fair to him when we became sexual he went all out is buying sex toys and viagra and all sorts as he really wanted sex. But nothing worked. Nothing at all. It’s not just the physical act of sex that was a problem either but also how he just didn’t ‘get it’ in other areas either such as foreplay.
So for example fingering. Sorry to be graphic but I think some posters need to realise the extent of how ridiculous this is.
Imagine when being fingered you have to literally show someone how, as in how many fingers, the motions, where to physically put the fingers, what to do when a finger is inside you. Like down the most tiny detail. Then imagine having to do that tutorial every time you do that act. If you don’t then the person goes haywire and hasn’t a clue what to do.
This is what I am dealing with.
I even told him, in fact actively encouraged him to watch basic porn. I didn’t know how else to make stuff more clear.

After a while of this sexual shit show the whole pandemic/dad cancer thing happened and I lost my sex drive completely anyway. I was so rushed off my feet with nursing dad at home until the end. I also work in a hospital so was actually working covid wards and all sorts. It was a shower of shit and a blur. Then one drunken night we try to have sex again and blink, I’m pregnant. My life has literally then spiralled into what it is today. It should never have gone this far. This is entirely my own doing that I have to extricate myself from or salvage if possible.

I take full blame for my unhappiness as I’ve essentially built my own prison. However in a way I have built him one too but he doesn’t see it like that as he says he ‘has everything I ever wanted’.

I need to sort my shit out in 2023 for all our sakes.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2022 20:37

WhatTheFdoIdo · 22/12/2022 20:32

i don’t know DP is asexual/gay but I don’t think so.

The only reason I’d say no to either is due to how he was when we first became sexually active (or tried to be).

First few months of course it was shit but he was a virgin so I knew I’d have to teach him the ropes. But he was very eager to learn and always wanted to ‘try’. So I know there certainly was somewhat of an attraction on his part and a sexual desire by his willingness/eagerness to keep attempting.

He had 2 sexual experiences before me in his early twenties that he couldn’t physically follow through with due to PE so remained a virgin and didn’t get the opportunity to any further attempts.

To be fair to him when we became sexual he went all out is buying sex toys and viagra and all sorts as he really wanted sex. But nothing worked. Nothing at all. It’s not just the physical act of sex that was a problem either but also how he just didn’t ‘get it’ in other areas either such as foreplay.
So for example fingering. Sorry to be graphic but I think some posters need to realise the extent of how ridiculous this is.
Imagine when being fingered you have to literally show someone how, as in how many fingers, the motions, where to physically put the fingers, what to do when a finger is inside you. Like down the most tiny detail. Then imagine having to do that tutorial every time you do that act. If you don’t then the person goes haywire and hasn’t a clue what to do.
This is what I am dealing with.
I even told him, in fact actively encouraged him to watch basic porn. I didn’t know how else to make stuff more clear.

After a while of this sexual shit show the whole pandemic/dad cancer thing happened and I lost my sex drive completely anyway. I was so rushed off my feet with nursing dad at home until the end. I also work in a hospital so was actually working covid wards and all sorts. It was a shower of shit and a blur. Then one drunken night we try to have sex again and blink, I’m pregnant. My life has literally then spiralled into what it is today. It should never have gone this far. This is entirely my own doing that I have to extricate myself from or salvage if possible.

I take full blame for my unhappiness as I’ve essentially built my own prison. However in a way I have built him one too but he doesn’t see it like that as he says he ‘has everything I ever wanted’.

I need to sort my shit out in 2023 for all our sakes.

OP, really really sort out contraception before you attempt anything, if you're going through with the trial period.

I know it'll be probably make you resent him even worse for having to take it if you don't end up having sex, but you do seem very fertile. Maybe a coil or something you don't have to think about once it's in situ.

justcouldntthinkofausername · 22/12/2022 20:39

@WhatTheFdoIdo try to start loving out some of your fantasies now and shake things up in the bedroom. It's also important to find out if he has any fantasies so you can please each other.
On the other hand... not that I have experience myself at all but a colleague of mine who is a swinger swears by it. She met her long term partner this way and says it saved her sisters marriage? Each to their own. I couldn't but thought it worth a mention, you never know.
He does sound like an amazing father and a doting partner.
Some people have all the sex in the world, young good looking fit-ass couples, might even be minted but deep down they are sad and miserable. For you OP, you have a strong beautiful family unit and can be open, honest and grown up. It's just the sex and attraction that needs fixing. That could be with sexual therapy or maybe just being open and communicative and try different things to spice it all up. You may soon realise 'fuck me' he's a different man!!!
I hope you do ❤️

Original poster
WhatTheFdoIdo · 22/12/2022 20:41

Can I ask what exactly is sex therapy? What do they do? Explain how to have sex? Something deeper?

OP posts:
OldFan · 22/12/2022 21:12

You are right in that suggestion. To be honest I’m not on any contraception right now as I’m practically celibate. So I’ll see how things go and if he succeeds in being able to have an actual sex then I’ll go on a contraceptive. I won’t jump the gun just yet as I’m still unsure as to how this is going to actually happen but if it does I’ll be down the clinic pronto.

Go on something pre-emptively @WhatTheFdoIdo as a precaution. One incidence of thirty second somewhat-penetrative sex could be too late.

If you don't want to go on the Pill you could get a hormone-free coil.

HotChoxs · 22/12/2022 21:40

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2022 20:01

That's a digusting use of the word "abusive" and an insult to anyone who has been actually abused.

There are TWO sides to this situation - or does the DP have no feelings? He must feel like absolute shit!

Show quote history

He's an adult. She's given him years of her life and a child and it's not been working. Nobody is perfect are they. What's wrong with you?

TenzingNorgay · 23/12/2022 10:22

try to start loving out some of your fantasies now and shake things up in the bedroom.

This really seems to miss the point of what the OP has described.
And to be honest, I think OP has checked out of this relationship, but is offering the 6 months as a courtesy, not because she has any actual hope of things improving.

Anyway, I do wish you luck and think you've done the right thing laying it out honestly.
And for god's sake, don't get pregnant.

Opentooffers · 23/12/2022 11:23

I think you've set him up to fail really. You've made it all about how he does sex, when you've already said you are not attracted to him. You had a year with him at the beginning to teach him what you like, but either he's unteachable or he needs a better teacher, or maybe just someone who fancies him to start with, teaching him.
I would think that having sex with someone you don't fancy means that you are not going to get all that excited about whatever they do.
I think your idea to only consider contraception after sex resumes and not before is an odd one as its something that always needs preparing in advance of the act, otherwise you could end up with 2 accidents. This could even be a secret aim of his to keep you around, so watch for that.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/12/2022 14:31

WhatTheFdoIdo · 22/12/2022 20:41

Can I ask what exactly is sex therapy? What do they do? Explain how to have sex? Something deeper?

'Date nights' aren't going to do jack shit for your DH. It's obvious that his difficulties are much more serious than just a lack of 'emotional connection' that can be solved by a few dinners out or a weekend away. He needs to do some serious 'work' and if he isn't ready and willing to start sex therapy right away then your marriage is already dead in the water.

This is a US based link but it's pretty basic and generic as far as what sex therapy is. My suggestion is that your DH start sex therapy on his own in order to give him complete freedom in what he says. Later on when the time is right, you can be brought in as his partner and the two of you can continue his 'journey' together.

www.healthline.com/health/sex-therapy#bottom-line

chemicalworld · 23/12/2022 15:42

I had a short lived relationship with a man that I was so surprised by. Like your DH he had no idea what to do at all, it just wasn't in him, and this reflected in his kiss. I'm not sure you can teach someone if they really do not just get it.

HamBone · 23/12/2022 16:50

Honestly, I can’t understand why he couldn’t figure some things out by himself, having to explain everything to him as you’ve had to do is such a passion killer. ☹️ He definitely needs to see a therapist, OP, the situation is ridiculous, he shouldn’t completely try on you to show him what to do!

IveShaggedSomeMingers · 23/12/2022 17:15

@HamBone , trust me, there are some men out there who are clueless.
If their only experience of sex is porn, they might not get that women need a bit more than a thrusting pen is.

OldFan · 23/12/2022 17:52

The thought of him suggesting 'date nights' makes me cringe OP. I think you don't think that way about him.

HappyHolidays22 · 18/07/2023 19:37

@WhatTheFdoIdo - just came across this thread again and wondered how you had got on? I really hope everything worked out well for you whichever way it all played out.

WorldCuppa · 18/07/2023 22:05

This reply has been deleted

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morbidd · 18/07/2023 22:30

What happened OP?

marblesthecat · 19/07/2023 10:17

I was thinking about this thread the other day actually.

idrinkandiknowthings · 19/07/2023 13:16

I haven't read all the replies, but if it was a bloke writing this about his female partner he would be torn to fucking shreds on here.

No amount of therapy, sex tutorials or wishing is going to make this relationship work.

Do yourself, your partner and your child the biggest favour and separate.

idrinkandiknowthings · 19/07/2023 13:18

Oh, just noticed that it's a 6 month old thread! slaps forehead