I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

End things now as soon as possible. Your baby is too young to know any different, you do not want to be trapped still in this relationship with no change except the added stress of not wanting to break your childs heart. Do it kindly, but do it. You both deserve better.

Going against the grain a bit, but are these feelings new post baby? Because it seems to be really common for women to completely go off their partner when they've had a baby, and it often passes. A similar thing happened to me. Suddenly I was permanently annoyed with him and spent lots of time fantasising about divorcing him. But I stuck at it and now I don't recognise those feelings at all. It's very weird, I think something hormonal. Reading up I realise it's very common.

Given all his good points personally I'd work on it for a year or two. See a sex therapist, try to focus on and appreciate his good points and see where you get to. Get some counselling for you. At least then you will know you gave it your best shot even if you leave.

If you just walk away now you mind find you seriously regret it, by which point he may have moved on, have a new partner and be starting a new family.

NC for this as I’m going to be very open and don’t want to risk ex-H ever seeing it.

I knew I didn’t fancy him when we met. I liked him a lot and he was a truly lovely person and I knew he’d be a good husband and dad. Like you, I was on a rebound (and in my defence, I was only 20, not that it’s an excuse).

I convinced myself that I was happy. I loved him, genuinely, but looking back we never had a strong sexual spark. I was also his first sexual partner.

When he proposed to me i remember the visceral feeling of NO that ran through me for days afterwards. But i convinced myself it was nerves. We married, had DC, and were mostly fine (bar a crap sex life).

until one day last january when i realised i’d gone THREE YEARS without sex, was married to a man who annoyed me and who seemed annoyed by me, and something snapped. I could NOT stay in the marriage. I had no idea how I was going to extricate myself, and felt hideous guilt about leaving an essentially good man and a great father. But from that day forward it wasn’t really a choice - it was a necessity, a driving need to be free to be happy.

I won’t lie, telling him was awful, and felt truly evil. but i also felt a profound sense of honesty and doing the right thing. i felt free for the first time in over a decade.

fast forward to today, almost a year later. I live in a beautiful little flat that’s just the way I like it. I share DC 50/50 with exH, who kept our family home at my suggestion. DC are thriving and we jointly support them emotionally and model civil and kind seperate parenting. We live two minutes from one another and are on friendly terms (we’ll be spending christmas day together with the DC). I’m happily single at 33, and have no plans for another serious relationship, but have a few FWB for those times when I fancy a bit of companionship. my sexual confidence has SHOT back up now that i’m able to interact with men who are clearly thrilled to be in bed with me.

i can honestly say that i have felt fear, pain, anger, anxiety and grief this year - but i have never regretted my decision for a second.

don’t be me, OP. you only live once.

Every move I’ve made in life has had some calculated thought

I think actually that your choice to settle for a “secure, gentle family man” to have a baby with, once you were hurtling into your thirties and single, was a conscious decision.

Youre just realising it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

I think you’re over romanticising your past relationships. No man has you waking up on cloud 9 every morning in a long term relationship.

Id advise individual psycho therapy for you to separate out your feelings and address the depression triggered by your father’s death.
Dont make big life decisions when you’re feeling so conflicted and “out of control” x

oh, and exH now fully concedes separating was the right thing for us both and has grown immensely as a person over the past year. he’s someone i’m proud to call a coparent and friend.

Of course another option is to consider and discuss with him whether you should embark on an open relationship where you can have the thrill of sex with other people whilst enjoying the stability of a loving relationship. Of course it has to be consensual, and it isn't for everyone, but it's more common than you think.

I am so happy things worked out for you, and I hope OP can take something from this ♥️

Meant to reply to breakupnamechange 😬

I think it's common in your thirties to end up with whose around and also wants to have children rather than who is the sexiest person you can find who might have kids one day

@Breakupnamechange thank you so much for this. It’s helped immensely. I can imagine this happening to me, I just pray I make the right decision and if it’s to end it, it’s sooner rather than later so my baby doesn’t remember.

Sorry it’s funny the way you describe the sex but feel so sad for you. Leave xxxxx

Tell him and make the plans split. He sounds lovely and deserves someone who appreciates him. I don't know why you would agree to have a child with someone who you had these reservations about. In all honesty, it sounds like sex is a big priority above making the relationship work or being a
family unit. Be mindful you might regret your decision in the future when someone hurts you/ cheats on you etc but that's your choice and your life. Set the poor man free and stop deluding him into thinking everything is hunky dory.

Op, you have had an enormous amount of change and the depression maybe a result of that or the relationship. That's a lot to unpack and worth spending the time figuring it our.

The sex sounds dire, what advice has he been given?

Are you going back to work?

How on earth did you get past the first couple of times you had sex?

Oh OP, your post is so sad. You sound tormented, and your depression, however you first came to suffer with it, will not be helped by the ongoing internal conflict you're experiencing.

I think you need to leave the relationship, for your own sanity firstly, but also, because you're with a good person who deserves something different from what you can give them. And you know, from your previous experience of being deeply in love with someone, that you will never feel that with the person you are with now. No amount of therapy or anti depressants will change that, sadly.

Your baby will be okay, with two loving parents, even if they're not together. And you sound like two very loving parents.

Wishing you the best.

I think you need to end it while you can fairly amicably - if you let it drag on, you're going to end up fucking someone else or the ick getting so bad you start despising him & treating him badly.

Leave. You won't regret it. He sounds like a decent man, you will be able to co-parent together. Do get some therapy before you go into another relationship though.

What??? No! He’s just shit in bed! My own vagina sighed, reading these posts!

Good sex really is important. It's relationship glue.

That was me 10 yrs ago minus the baby.Divorced him and never looked back.Didnt cry once.

no worries, feel free to PM me if you want to chat more 😊I had therapy for a while before making the final decision to leave, which helped immensely. Often just giving yourself permission to speak your feelings and needs out loud can be really freeing.

@Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 i get where you’re coming from, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy sex life and needing to feel sexually desired and cherished. It’s very important to many people (me included, and OP by the sound of it) and that’s ok.

Yes, and this isn’t just average sex, it’s absolutely the worst I’ve read on here. I mean, is he embarrassed that he’s so useless? WTF?

Be aware that everyone on mumsnet tells everyone to leave whatever the situation is, without asking further questions or being in the slightest bit creative

Haven't got any advice but hope you're okay x

slightly left field but I would get him to sign up for this course by the famous sex therapist Kim Anami, if that doesn’t fix it you can leave but hopefully by then he’ll understand your needs and accept it in good grace kimanami.com/sexual-mastery-for-men-salon/

A friend of mind did her retreat and said it changed her life.