I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

Please listen to what I’m going to tell you. You get one life, and at some point you will have to be selfish about this situation, and live your best life.

I have just divorced my husband, I am 60, I should have done this at 40. I am effectively starting again with regards to housing, pension, savings and I have maybe 10 years to do this. Financially, despite having worked all my adult life, I am fucked.

I totally get the sex situation, because that is exactly how I have lived for nearly 30 years. I stayed for as long as I have because of the children. I promised myself I would be there until the children finished their education, who knew my youngest would spend 10 years in higher education?!
I have had NO sex for 10 years, terrible sex, maybe twice a year, for the decade before that. I have been rejected over again for most of my adult life. This does not make a great relationship (I have been a nag, nitpicking, desperate for affection, at times rude TBH, just begging for a reaction, like you - no sex to keep us together and heaps of resentment) and my self esteem is non existent, I have been unable to turn my partner on for best part of 20 years. This is not a good relationship model for children.

I don’t think his life has been good either, he, of course, knows that he is unable to get or keep an erection, or will literally come in his underwear. So he has refused to have a sex life, and then that extended into literally flinching if I so much as touched his arm. For those wondering why the hell I married him he is a kind, gentle person and initially it wasn’t as bad as this, he had had one previous relationship, with no issues (although I now think he was lying about this) so I (stupidly) thought it would improve. He was desperate for children, I feel that I was just an incubator. We had lots of poor to average sex until I provided two children and then he just refused anymore.

I can honestly say that this has ruined my life. I have spend my adult life feeling unloved, lonely, isolated. He in turn just stopped communicating, messages regarding being late back from work, or needing something from a supermarket would all just be channelled through my daughters. Even if they weren’t at home and I was, they would be messaged.

He hasn’t spoken to me for the best part of two years, since I told him I couldn’t do this any longer.

It is better to be alone and happy (or unhappy even) than to be with someone and be unhappy. When you are single you have things to look forward to. It’s not like he proposed and you got married and made vows. He moved into your place and got stuck there during lockdown. Lockdown was a very unusual time - I nearly lost it at one point.

A man you don’t love and who you can’t have sex with is not a partner for you. I’m curious that viagra and doctors have not done anything. If for any reason (such as your baby) you decide to stay with him, I’d insist that he continues to seek help for the issue. Surely he must be aware that this is a problem?

Anti-depressants might numb you to your reality, but also depression can seriously affect your perception of your reality. I trust the perspective I have when I am most well.

so do I

I agree

I mean that sex ...If u have money to leave leave. Some of us are in crap marriages planning to leave with no family support and it's taking ages of u have the means pls go. Or start fucking someone else ... (but that will be wrong if he's a nice guy)

What a cxxt seriously! The poor guys obviously got a medical issue and I am sue that he must feel embarrassed imagine if you had seen that written about a woman being useless in bed.
I see so many shit written about men like it’s ok as a woman I think people are bloody nasty.
the thing is sex well use a vibrator it’s not the be all and end all if he loves you and treats you right you can be intimate in many different ways . Maybe that’s the difference I think the OP is coming across like a horrible person who may yes be depressed which I could understand but you have had a baby and he treats you right yet you are idolising a guy that couldn’t commit and left you.
Here lies why so many women seem to want bad guys and no wonder solid reliable men must feel put out.
is it just the sex that makes you feel like this?
I really don’t think you can see how lucky you are there are umpteen women out there who would love a man to be devoted to them and their child

If you were rich you could just employ a handsome hunky gardener....sorry I know that's no help at all, it's very difficult when you have mismatched sexual needs😟

This.

OH Dear OP, you need a break away to reevaluate. I left my Dh for similar reasons, started to despise him etc etc, met him on the rebound and as I was 37 I needed to have a man and baby but it was all a big mistake.
3 years on, we are amicable, I have regained my sense of self, and am no longer trapped.
Please take a weekend off to think, alone, then come back refereshed and start the move...

NB - OP says in original post ''I moved him into mine''. So he is the one to leave - not her.

Put your big girl pants on and make the changes you need. You’re wasting his time as much as you feel he’s wasting yours. You’re not going to be with this guy when you’re 60 so end it now while he too has time to find someone else to start a second family with.

I'd be surprised if the poor fecker could keep it up when his partner clearly doesn't fancy him.

Two questions:

1. If your sex life has been this way for 4 years, why on earth did you keep the relationship going, let alone have him move in?
2. Why did you decide to have a baby with a man you didn't fancy?

I'm sorry, but this is on you. Mr Great Sex wasn't so hot on the commitment front, now was he? Your poor DP must feel so hopelessly inadequate. You should talk frankly with him. He needs medical help. You can still leave. Did you ever love him?

I was in a similar situation with my DD's father. He was a rebound. I wasn't attracted to him at all, he was horrible at sex, but I got pregnant. I tried to make it work with him but even before my DD was born we split. I knew if I'd stayed I would be miserable, and probably cheat because the sex was so awful. I did't want my DD to grow up and see such a horrible relationship between us as I know I don't have the ability to hide my feelings very well, so she would see it or feel something wrong between us. He was an arse as well, so another reason why we split. And eventually he found someone that was ok with sex with him.

This was hard to read, I'm so sorry you had to live like that. I hope you are much much happier now♥️

This was hard to read, I'm so sorry you had to live like that. I hope you are much much happier now♥️

Same. I also really hope you feel happier now and I’m glad you are finally free of this awful marriage.

I’m adding this just as an extra note of support to you. I’ve been with a few guys with PE and ED and one of two things can happen. Things can improve once they feel more comfortable with you - or not, regardless of what you or he does.

What I did not do was immediately ditch any guy because of a sexual problem. But what I have noticed is that sometimes men are extra giving in other areas in order to compensate for lacking in the bedroom. In my case it was a bit of a shock when the mask came off.
Its fine to feel for a guy with this issue but it doesn’t mean you should feel so bad that you stay with him. Fear Obligation Guilt - these are relationship no go areas.

All of this is besides the point though.

You absolutely have every right to end any relationship, at any time, for any reason.

absolute settling nonsense

it’s no good a man to be devoted to you if you don’t love them

if you want to live with a sexless man you don’t love because he’s ‘nice’- then that’s a pity for you, but many of us wouldn’t

this situation isn’t enviable at all

**added note
comparing this to a positive experience, ie a confident man inside and outside the bedroom, who you love and who turns you on. If you’re in this situation you forget what that’s like. Then when it does you wonder how you ever tolerated it. But yoh deserve to be happy. You can only be responsible for you, not him. He can still be a parent.

buttermut and LolaMoon, thank you for your thoughts. Officially ( divorce) I am on the home straight. Emotionally I think it will take much longer, but even being on my own, I am much less lonely than I have been for the last 20 years!

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Sometimes life gets very challenging - a traumatic break up, the pandemic, your dad passing. It's so easy to get swept along when you're emotionally and mentally drained and just not apply the same level of thought and calculation you normally would to big life decisions. Then one day you look around and think 'how did I get here? Why did I do x and not y, why didn't I keep my eye on the ball? etc, etc'. I really wouldn't beat yourself up too much for that .

Even allowing for the horrible come down from suddenly stoping your meds, you sound incredibly unhappy in your relationship. Your sex life does sound awful. I don't mean this unkindly or as a judgement, but there's a level of contempt in how you describe that area of your marriage that I don't think the relationship can easily recover from. Once that feeling sets in it's very hard to get past.

You're only 30 and still so young. To share a bit of my story, I left my ExH when I was 8 years older then you and with a 3 year old because I was so unhappy. To the outside world we were perfect and I spent so long trying to work out how I'd got to this point, thinking I had no right to leave, I'd made my bed etc. 5 years on and I am so much happier now and so is my ExH. Our DS was young so this is all he has ever really known. We do 50/50 and he is very happy and thriving. When I'm with him I'm totally present, but doing 50/50 means I've had time to date and develop a relationship. Not looking to blend and my DP is happy with that. (I only mention this because you'd shared your worries about future relationships).

It's not always easy, but I've never regretted leaving. Someone upthread said don't undervalue having a 'nice guy'. I would certainly agree with that - there are a lot of awful men out there - but you deserve to be happy and you can't fake a relationship just because your DP is a nice guy.

Oh my goodness, that sounds dreadful. The options all rebound are pretty dire, but I think you just need to end it and do the childcare between you. No one is wrong but nothing is right.

fucking hell, leaving sounds like a doddle compared to staring down the barrel of 40 more years of that.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

I’m sorry about your dad. I think grief can cloud you judgement and lead you to make daft decisions. I did similar after a dear friend died and ended up having a baby with an unsuitable man. It’s almost as if making a new life will make up for who you’ve lost. Only it doesn’t.