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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

281 replies

WhatTheFdoIdo · 21/12/2022 18:45

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 21/12/2022 20:42

SmileyClare · 21/12/2022 19:26

Every move I’ve made in life has had some calculated thought

I think actually that your choice to settle for a “secure, gentle family man” to have a baby with, once you were hurtling into your thirties and single, was a conscious decision.

Youre just realising it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

I think you’re over romanticising your past relationships. No man has you waking up on cloud 9 every morning in a long term relationship.

Id advise individual psycho therapy for you to separate out your feelings and address the depression triggered by your father’s death.
Dont make big life decisions when you’re feeling so conflicted and “out of control” x

Psychotherapy doesn’t get you a decent shag though does it?!

MontyK · 21/12/2022 20:43

If he was better in the sack, would you want to stay with him? Or are there other issues at play?

My own marriage has been bloody hard going at times. Many times I've contemplated divorce. But, the sex is unbelievable and it has held us together at times!

People shouldn't underestimate how a bad sex life can be the death knell of a relationship.

Sugargliderwombat · 21/12/2022 20:43

You obviously feel overwhelmed, I'd say that you need a break because it isn't working. Move into a spare room or he move out if possible. Take a break and get some perspective. I heard advice not to make life changing decisions in the first months of having a baby. So don't look at it as all or nothing. Just step back a bit.

Cherrymerry · 21/12/2022 20:43

Has your ex got back in contact or have you seen him on SM?

Something has obviously switched in your head as less than 12 months ago you had a baby with this man.

I do not believe you should stay in an unhappy relationship but many men leave their partners within a few months of them having a baby - that can’t be a coincidence.

They get less attention, life is more stressful, less sex and pine for an old life of freedom.
It sounds as though you are doing the same.

Usually these people leave, have a few weeks of shagging around fun and then realise they’ve completely fucked up their lives as this isn’t what they want at all and actually they want their family back and to feel safe and secure - but by then it’s usually too late.

I can’t see why you’d have a baby with someone who you had all of these issues with - these aren’t new problems.

So I’m not saying don’t leave, I’m saying the grass isn’t always greener and to make sure that this is exactly what you want and not just part of your depression or because you’ve had a baby.

If you decide to end things then you can only try and end things as amicably as possible.
Of course you would be the one who needs to leave and you’d need to make contact as easy as possible.

category12 · 21/12/2022 20:44

Yeah, your dp isn't living his best life, because the woman he lives with, doesn't love him and is irritated by him.

However determinedly he tries to ignore it, feeling that plus his sexual problems, must be having an impact on his wellbeing.

HikingforScenery · 21/12/2022 20:45

DelphiniumBlue · 21/12/2022 18:56

As you say DP is lovely, is it worth seeing a sex therapist together? If that is the main issue, maybe there’s a way of improving that?

I agrée with this. Can you try and improve things in that department? Then at least you’ll know you’ve tried. Have you tried to reach him what works for you?
I do feel for you. Tbh though, in best of relationships, it’s not the best way forward to make life cheffing decisions when your bevy is that young.

Hope you find the best way forward for you. You deserve it.

Fairy22 · 21/12/2022 20:45

Take a lover??

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/12/2022 20:45

Instead of penis-in-vagina sex, which clearly doesn’t work, would he make an effort to engage in other types of sexual activity with you? Foreplay, oral sex, toys etc? It sounds like that would be less awkward and potentially have more success and enjoyment for you than the current situation where you are trying to have intercourse when he isn’t physically capable of maintaining an erection.

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 21/12/2022 20:48

DelphiniumBlue · 21/12/2022 18:56

As you say DP is lovely, is it worth seeing a sex therapist together? If that is the main issue, maybe there’s a way of improving that?

That’s what I would say too. It sounds like it’s just the sex that’s the issue.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/12/2022 20:49

You knew he was a virgin when you got with him. Great sex doesn’t happen overnight. Perhaps he knows you don’t have feelings for him and that’s why he struggles with the sex part. Or perhaps he doesn’t fancy you and that’s why he can’t maintain it. Either way both of you deserve to start fresh and meet someone who is the right person.

category12 · 21/12/2022 20:51

I don't think sex is the issue if OP doesn't even fancy him to start with.

I mean it's scarcely a great foundation for a good sex life when she doesn't even find him physically attractive, before we even get to his PE.

SmileyClare · 21/12/2022 20:52

SunflowerTed · 21/12/2022 20:42

Psychotherapy doesn’t get you a decent shag though does it?!

Show quote history

Op doesn’t just want a “decent shag” she wants someone who “makes her laugh everyday, intellectually stimulates her, fulfils her sexually and makes her wake up on cloud 9 every morning”

Thinking a man will cure your depression and make you happy ever after is a disastrous state of mind.

Get your head straight before even considering entering another relationship is great advice.

Hellno44 · 21/12/2022 20:53

I think it really come down to how committed you both are to making the relationship work. The sex sound horrific. Is he prepared to discuss this with his GP or ask for a sex therapist referral? Can you build intimacy in other ways? I wouldn't suggest ending a relationship so soon after a baby has been born because there's so much change during that time and hormones. I think you would benefit from having individual counselling and talking things through before you make any big decisions.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2022 20:53

You sound so unhappy. But before you make any final decisions, please see a therapist. Talk it out. Examine your feelings, needs, and wants carefully with an impartial professional. Not to convince you to stay or to prove to yourself that you 'should be happy with such a nice man', because deciding to leave may very well be the right thing to do. Therapy can help you to see things that perhaps you can't see right now, get everything clear in your mind and to remove any doubts or guilt about the decisions you make. A therapist can also help you frame your words so when you speak to your DH it will be clear to him that you are serious and there is no going back.

EarthSight · 21/12/2022 20:53

Oh God OP that sounds awful. I really don't know how you got this far if the sex was this bad. As far as I'm concerned, you concieved, but you might as well not have a sex life at all. I think the way he is in bed with you has massively turned you off him generally. Some people just aren't sexual or sensual, and he might be one of them.

For his own sake, it might be worth looking to get his testosterone levels checked. I've heard before that low testosterone can cause that, which is partly why teenage boys are prone to doing this (other than excitement).

Breakupnamechange · 21/12/2022 20:54

I think the advice many posters are giving about rekindling sex or finding ways around PIV is great - IF OP fancies her partner, fundamentally. And it sounds to me like she doesn’t. I contemplated sex therapy with my ex but it would have genuinely have been like getting sex therapy with my brother. We simply didn’t have a sexual component to our relationship, full stop.

As previous posters have said, it’s not fair on your partner either - he deserves to enjoy a happy compatible sex life (or no sex life at all, if that’s his preference of course) with someone who fancies him. If that isn’t you, set each other free with good grace and friendship and kindness.

Mummysgogetter · 21/12/2022 20:57

WhatTheFdoIdo · 21/12/2022 18:45

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

Hi @WhatTheFdoIdo

im really sorry to hear the position your in. There’s too much for me to dissect in your post but briefly, please take the advice you get here with a pinch of salt. Some of it will be good advice but others…..
instead, take a look at the website conscious transitions.com. It’s focused around the difficult emotions you are going through. Read it with an open mind. I did so 7 years ago after feeling, not exactly like you but similar. If you get chance also see if your GP can get you on the list for counselling. This is fixable - good men are hard to find, especially with a baby to think about. You don’t want to chuck a bomb in your life without being clear-headed about what you really want.

take care. I hope everything works out for you. It will I’m sure.

EarthSight · 21/12/2022 20:58

CharlotteRose90 · 21/12/2022 20:49

You knew he was a virgin when you got with him. Great sex doesn’t happen overnight. Perhaps he knows you don’t have feelings for him and that’s why he struggles with the sex part. Or perhaps he doesn’t fancy you and that’s why he can’t maintain it. Either way both of you deserve to start fresh and meet someone who is the right person.

You must be joking, right? She's not talking about someone she's only been with for a few weeks! He's had 4 years to catch-up in a stable relationship.

I've had sex with someone who was fairly new to sex. I was massively better than the OP's experience. Totally different level.

Sex and sexuality just isn't intuitive to some people, in the same way that tender feelings or something like dancing isn't for other people.

KaleToChristmas · 21/12/2022 20:59

Poor you OP. You recognise that you have fucked up here and are trying to take responsibility. I think you can give yourself more of a break with what you have been through - it must have been incredibly hard caring for your Dad, and Covid made us all go a bit mad. You have been dealing with a lot and I am sure you can get your zest for life back in time.

I agree with others that you do need to leave. The love has never been there with your DP and you will all (your baby included) be happier in the long run, because the way you feel now will be the thin end of the wedge vs. the cumulative effect of this across years. I am NOT an expert but recall reading that the younger they are, the less children are emotionally impacted by divorce. There are lots of examples of happy blended families out there, as well as happy single parent families. You just can't see the woods for the trees at the moment.

Coffeepot72 · 21/12/2022 21:00

I think actually that your choice to settle for a “secure, gentle family man” to have a baby with, once you were hurtling into your thirties and single, was a conscious decision.

Youre just realising it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Very true

ArseMenagerie · 21/12/2022 21:01

Your big problem in the OP was that you were a “passenger”… but that’s what you’re still doing. You don’t HAVE to stay, you don’t HAVE to make this work. You owe it to yourself and your DC to model the life you want them to have. Fulfilled and happy. The sky won’t fall in if you take control and speak honestly about your relationship. If it isn’t working, it isn’t working and THAT IS OK.

Namechangedfortodayspost · 21/12/2022 21:01

Wronglane · 21/12/2022 18:50

Just leave. As the saying goes ‘enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think’

Plus blended families aren’t always crappy. Mine was fucking fantastic

I've never heard this saying but I LOVE IT!

Mummysgogetter · 21/12/2022 21:02

SmileyClare · 21/12/2022 19:26

Every move I’ve made in life has had some calculated thought

I think actually that your choice to settle for a “secure, gentle family man” to have a baby with, once you were hurtling into your thirties and single, was a conscious decision.

Youre just realising it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

I think you’re over romanticising your past relationships. No man has you waking up on cloud 9 every morning in a long term relationship.

Id advise individual psycho therapy for you to separate out your feelings and address the depression triggered by your father’s death.
Dont make big life decisions when you’re feeling so conflicted and “out of control” x

Sensible advice.

LocalHobo · 21/12/2022 21:03

You are not married, so have made no commitment to promise you will stay together.
Just leave. As the saying goes ‘enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think’ but, seeing as he sounds a decent, good man, I think he should be the custodial parent. You can go off and shag my way through Britain without being responsible for your LO.

LolaMoon · 21/12/2022 21:04

OP- firstly, forgive yourself. You made a mistake. We all do, but unfortunately your mistake had big consequences and now you are in this situation. Sex is important but this isnt just about sex is it? You dont love him. Thats not something counselling will ever fix.

Pushing down your feelings long term is a terrible idea. Decades will go by and you'll end up bitter and resentful about the life you "could" have had. Not only that, but having worked in psych, I strongly believe that suppressing harmful emotions can literally make people physically ill. I've seen it happen.

Both you and your partner deserve to be in a full, happy relationship where you adore the other person and they adore you. Staying in this relationship isnt doing him any favours either. I would be devastated to find out that my partner didnt really love me and only stayed for practical reasons or for the sake of our child. Splitting up will be difficult and staying together will be difficult- you kind of have to choose your difficult now, and make no mistake, doing nothing is still a choice. One thing I will say is that there is no worse emotion that regret- life is short and I would not want to get to age 80 and realise I stayed in an unhappy marriage when I could have ended it and potentially found real happiness elsewhere. If you are going to do this, do it now, when your child is young enough to not be impacted as much as it will get harder the older he gets.

If it was me, I'd leave. A year or so of intense stress due to splitting up is far preferable to me than a lifetime of the slow drip, drip drip effect of misery.