I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

That isn’t true. Read what she said about the description of their sex life. Has to be tutored through to insertion every time? Revolting.

I think that ripping the piss out of your "lovely loving dp" for Mumsnet likes is incredibly fucking cruel

My dh best friend has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has been given a year, what im trying to say is don't waste your life being miserable, life is way too short. Your dd will be happy if you're happy

I agree sex is important but she knew he was a virgin and he might need some more guidance. I get it too but sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship, it's certainly a factor but he ticks so many other boxes, being a decent partner, a great dad, a hard worker. It seems like OP is putting so must emphasis on getting f**d. I think most people would try to work on it

Not RTFT.
The sex sounds awful, but not necessarily unresolvable. I can't suggest anything other than to take it off the agenda for now. No sex is better than bad sex.

First, give yourself a break. You are depressed and have a lot going on. It's that time of the year when everyone is meant to be all in happy families etc
I think that your depression might be linked to not seeming in control of your life and all the changes that have happened to you in your life, and physically.

Your XP might have been shit hot in bed, but he's history, and you are remember ing who you think he was, not who he actually was.

Couples counselling sounds a good idea, but maybe if you could talk to someone alone first, that might help.

As things are, you will end up resenting your partner, and that's not good for any of you - you, him and the baby.

Things you can do are to consider your options, and there are plenty.
You can split amicably and co-parent
You could have an open relationship
You could try to fix things
You could have a trial separation
etc.

There won't be a magic solution, but you have a beautiful healthy happy baby, a co-parent who you get on with and you have a chance to find a path that will work for you. and a Big hug.

To be fair, you're not being fair on him either, deceiving him that he's with someone who loves and fancies him.

in all honesty you need to leave, its better to be single than living like this x

I definitely wont judge you.. it sounds like a horrible relationship to be in and even though its not his fault that doesnt mean you owe him anything. youve given him a lovely child to love and he will be alright.

Dont think about whether you will have other relations, isnt it just a nice thought that you could... whenever you want xx

OP, he knows how you feel. Get out of there - fast. You are destroying your life and his. He deserves to be loved by a woman who is genuinely in love with him and you deserve to be loved the way you want. The child will adjust . This will just get worse if left as it is and the child will suffer. Get out while she is still little and can't remember what life was like before. Good luck.

I don't think you have to make a decision now. How about giving yourself 6 months to see if hou can turn it around with the help of a sex therapist? If this improves and you feel like the relationship is working, perfect! If not, you can plan what to do next.

Honestly, I would try counselling for yourself, to get yourself in a better headspace, before you make any big decisions. You don't want to leave him, then find out you are still depressed, especially when there really is so much at stake.

If I were you, I'd try all the things - talking to your DP, counselling, couples counselling, GP for meds review etc first. Maybe also take up a hobby or something for yourself, to give you some "me" time too - if you find the relationship boring, maybe look inwards / elsewhere for some excitement. If it really is him that's making you miserable and it can't be salvaged, of course you will end up having to leave, but it sounds like there are lots of other factors going on (death of father, depression, new baby etc).

The sex thing is an issue, but again, there are options / ways around it. There is so much more to a happy and stable relationship than sex.

You say you used to be in control, but were you ever really? Maybe in general life and work-wise, but waking up on cloud 9 every day for a year sounds extreme and not normal or in control on an emotional level either, especially when dating a person who can't commit. It's a false euphoria that heads for a crash, as it did, and possibly sheds some light on an altered mind state.
You dealt with it by chucking yourself into OLD which is a sign of avoiding dealing with emotions. Your DP, who you've never particularly fancied or enjoyed sex with was another way to distract you from dealing with your emotions. Then there's berievement which is a strong emotion and now you are on anti-D's.
Not saying stop the anti-D's, they have their place and you need to be able to function as a new mum. I think you definitely could do with some counselling as the reasons you ended up here could run very deep and track back longer than you realise. Hopefully talking to someone may help you to process your emotions in a healthy way going forward. Maybe have therapy for a while before making any big decisions? Yes your relationship may well need to come to an end at some point, but take time to make big decisions as they will cause more emotional strain on you and the overall picture looks like your overloaded with extreme emotions as it is.
Plan ahead and think where you want to be in life and how to get there. Pick your moment when you know you are feeling strong enough.

But you did make a calculated decision didn't you? You went for a safe bet with your DP and now you're bored and have no intimacy or excitement in your relationship.

I don't think I read anywhere that you love your DP, just that you're not attracted to him.

I loved my ex husband in a familial way but I left him as I was not attracted to him, I left him primarily because I felt it unfair to deprive him of a sexual relationship with someone else he might click better with.

My DD was 7 at the time. All I will say is that the guilt of putting myself before my DD in that moment took many years (rightly or wrongly to leave me). He was also a good dad at the time. He then met his next wife after me who was atrociously abusive to our DD and worked hard to break us my EXh and DD's bond and succeeded for around 10 years. Now aged 20 and her dad is divorced again - they are back in each others lives. I am remarried but I love exh like a brother. If DH and I ever split I could happily live a financially very comfortable life in old age companionship with exh. But I left him put simply for sex. Sex for me, sex for him. Do I regret it? No. My only regret is the awful time DD suffered because of his subsequent relationship.

Just think long and hard before doing anything rash...think of all the connotations for you and DD. But ultimately life is short, you matter too and so does your DP, everyone deserves to be happy.

If you're going to leave do it whilst DD is as young as possible and knows no different.

Good luck x

Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad

As much as I empathise with your situation I think this comment was a bit unnecessary, many blended families are very happy (mine included). You have fucked up and you are owning that and not trying to blame him which is good. But you cannot carry on like this. Living with a depressed parent is very damaging for a child (my mother was depressed and it was awful). Being a happy fulfilled person will make you a better mother, your child is still very young so if you leave sooner rather than later it will be much less upheaval than doing it when they are old enough to understand

Sending love and hugs. I saw a therapist on my own who helped me work through depression / an unhappy relationship, unpack my feelings and give me the clarity and strength I needed. It was only a few sessions but helped so so much. Could you explore it? Relate used to do free online sessions, not sure if they do now. You deserve happiness (whatever that looks like for you) and so does your DP.

This other person deserves to be loved, either by you or someone else. Its your call thigh as he clearly is unaware there is a problem

Ok - I’m so surprised at the respondents suggesting you ‘work through it’ with this man! Absolutely nothing in your post suggests this is a salvageable relationship.

Look at it this way, you met a lovely guy, you gave him a great relationship for a while and a child. How wonderful. But the relationship has run its course, and you need to step away, for all your sakes. Neither DP nor DC will benefit from things continuing as they are.

therapy would be a great start, so you can get your thoughts out in the air and start formulating a plan of what you’re going to do tomorrow, next week, next month.

You’re so young, you have many years of potential relationships and great fun and great sex ahead of you. Hopefully so does he! Just not together.

I bet you’ll co-parent brilliantly, all the ingredients are there.

I wish you all the very best. Be strong, make the change x

Happy Mum, Happy Baby. Remember this OP. If your partner is as lovely as you say, it sounds like you’ve got yourself a situation where you could happily live separately and co-parent, giving you some freedom and headspace to get your personal life back on track. You don’t want to sleepwalk through life. I look at my own parents marriage and wonder how on Earth it happened and how they’re still together (financial, age, health issues, familiarity perhaps). Total mismatch and I felt it keenly growing up, along with a vague sense of guilt that I was the reason they were sticking it out. I saw little affection towards them and a lot of dissatisfaction. I feel sorry for both of them as neither got the relationship they deserved. I on the other hand married a man I love fiercely, who even after years and years together gives me butterflies when he walks in the door. There is no-one on earth I would rather be with. I wish this for you OP. You can do it.

You have a lot of life left to live, and so does your dp. Do the right thing and end it with him, it is unfair on him. Stop hoping he'll do if for you and you won't have to be the bad guy. Just do then get on with your life which doesn't have to consist of you just shagging men as you put it. Take your time to ensure the next relationship is right before you conceive a child.

Be aware that splitting from your partner may be the right decision but it won’t necessarily be the key to great happiness and fulfilment.

Your state of mind isnt all due to his limp dick is it.

You need to plan to be single and work on your own emotional stability, treat your depression and ideally have counselling.

Find your own inner peace. You seem to think that happiness is dependent on the right man; it isn’t.

Dont even consider the idea of entering into another relationship or finding a step father for your child.

Be prepared that may or may not happen much further in the future.

This is good advice.

The sex sounds like a total disaster. Not sure I could get past that either OP

But IMO the feelings you are talking about your previous partner aren’t love. Love is super subtle. It’s almost sometimes so comfortable that you don’t even realise it’s there until it’s gone or nearly ripped away.

As in you love your baby. You don’t look at them and get all gushy. Your just there. Solid, stable, constant, boringly there.

I hope that makes some sense.

I don’t know OP.

I’d say splitting up with kids is huge, and worth doing everything possible before you end it completely. But if he’s a lovely guy, he will probably be a lovely Ex, which is quite something.

My Ex was amazing in bed, I was besotted, but he was actually quite an unkind person. We have a child together and it’s been a nightmare separated.

So whatever you do, I guess appreciate the lovely guy you have. I do think sex can be built up into something good, but it takes a long time and I guess you have to become a really good teacher. I know it’s galling some people are just great at sex, and it’s so good to have a man who is everything. But life isn’t usually like that. So if it’s mainly the attraction and sex, then it’s worth another ‘try’ over a year or so? You seem to be attracted to what you can’t have, the ‘dificult’ unattainable person, like your Ex, so part of the lack of sex drive could be you, see if you can get to the bottom of that?

You've given your DH a couple of things he probably thought he'd never have in life: sex, and a child. He can continue to be a marvellous father.

Go and find some happiness, OP

This sounds really difficult.

I would say that your DP isn’t living his perfect life at all. He is living with someone who doesn’t love him, even despises him sometimes. However he is acting, whatever he says, I think we pick up on signs and feelings. I believe he will know that something isn’t right here, and if you aren’t telling him that’s pretty bad TBH. he deserves better and you deserve better too. This relationship sounds pretty abusive really.

you can split up and he can remain a great dad, and you can have a great conprenting relationship. that’s got to be better and healthy for all 3 of you

you both deserve better.

My mother was depressed. My childhood would have been better if she’d divorced my father I think. And as an only child, I’d have loved stepsiblings.

What advice would you give a friend in this situation? I think you need to leave OP, go and be happy. Life is way too short and your baby needs a happy mum.