I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

@WhatTheFdoIdo

You need to leave. I have a feeling from reading your writing style that you’re a massive personality (yes some of your wording is a little funny 😜) It’s the way you repeat “shocking” about the sex 🤦‍♀️.

Its never gonna work OP….. You need to be brave and end it. Wishing you well.

Will you be happier only seeing your baby 50% of the time and managing everything on your own?

@LolaMoon

I agree. It can absolutely make you ill.

This is a heartbreaking post OP, I'm sorry you're so unhappy. But it really isn't too late to be happy, and you absolutely can be happy in a blended family, obviously - and how many miserable "normal" families aren't there? You're in one!

People shouldn't underestimate how a bad sex life can be the death knell of a relationship.

I agree but this isn’t a new thing.

OP chose to stay and conceive a baby with this man knowing what the sex was like.
So I feel like this isn’t the only reason OP wants to leave.

Poor guy, what did he do to you ?.

I think you’re over romanticising the past.
he wasn’t that great and it wasn’t what you think/thought it was or it wouldn’t have ended. Even if it did end he would’ve realised quickly he’d made a mistake and beg you to come back. So let’s be real it was a choice between a man you loved but didn’t and would never love you. Single (and maybe find someone else). Or Dp. It was not a choice between a fantastic relationship or dp.

the sex thing. Go see a professional. It’s expensive but at this point it’s that or rent on two places so it’s probably about even and at least it could work.
might be worth a therapist for you too.

see how you feel in a month once the antidepressants have kicked in and it’s not Christmas/NY with all the emotion and pressure. Just accept it for now and know that jan onwards, things are going to change either way.

Big hugs to you. Theres someone out there more suited to you, dont waste your precious years, go and find him.

I think you’re over romanticising your past relationships. No man has you waking up on cloud 9 every morning in a long term relationship.

I agree with this.

You are looking back through rose tinted spectacles.

You couldn’t have been on cloud 9 every day if it was a long term relationship and even if you felt you were, he obviously wasn’t else it wouldn’t have ended.
So whatever you thought it was, it wasn’t.

I don’t care if you’re the man or woman in this relationship and I think if you’re not happy you should leave BUT the fact that you’re fantasising about old flings, not long had a baby and are on antidepressants makes me think that you may not be thinking clearly enough to end things right now.

You say you think your antidepressants are numbing your feelings but are you sure when you’re off them it’s not your true feelings and it’s actually the depression talking?

I would give yourself a date for a couple of months time.
During that time weigh up the pros and cons and try hard to fix whatever needs fixing.
If that date comes and things haven’t improved then I’d definitely leave.

I'm in a very similar situation but our DD is now almost 7 and we are married (and I have an older DS from a previous relationship).

I would say- whatever you do, DON'T get married and leave now while your child is still very young. It won't get any better.

You do love him and you are self sabotaging because you have a fear of commitment. Get some therapy

OP - I don't often post on here (long time lurker!) but your post resonated so much with me. I'm sorry it is long but it gives the whole story - about 15 years ago I could have written your post with the only difference being that my DP wanted sex and my father died of terminal cancer a few years after we met. We had a toddler and a dog and had been together by that time about 5 years. We met in my early twenties and he was late twenties so had a bit more life experience. He was safe, kind and reliable.

I cannot pinpoint the exact time when I knew I could not stay with him - it was lurking under the surface for years but I pushed it away. Why? We had a son and I did not want to break our family up. My family had strong ideas about staying married. I didn't want to 'give up'. I told myself to be content with the fact that I was with a safe, reliable man. I was on antidepressants throughout much of our relationship which ended up totalling ten years.

My issues were the same as yours - I was not sexually attracted to him. The only time I could let myself go with him was when I was very drunk. Gradually everything about him annoyed me - the way he cut his food, the way he spoke. Our political views actually became very different. Like you, my partner at the time had a job he absolutely loved. He loved his life and I remember looking at him, also thinking he is with a woman he loves, nice house, child etc.

About a year before I left two things happened. I sat with a very good friend and ended up telling her everything. I then said that in a year's time I wouldn't be with dp. I am not sure where it came from but something clicked. I had lost my dad the year before so possibly a trigger but the feelings had been there for years.

The second thing was that I met a man through my cousin who was working in the area for a few weeks. We chatted socially a few times (as everybody did) and that was that. We clicked and I can remember thinking how sad it was that I seemed to have more in common with a friend of a friend than I did with dp. I also remember thinking that I did not want to confuse myself by even beginning to have feelings for someone else when I was in the mess of leaving dp. Fortunately it was easy regarding this man as he did not live in this area and had gone back home.

A couple of months later I left dp. It was obviously very hard (we had joint custody of our child). Interestingly, my 'nice' dp turned into a nightmare and did everything he could to make things difficult financially. To this day, 12 years later, he has paid little for his child. On the very rare occasions that I speak to him, he will still make comments that show how bitter he is. A couple of years after we split, our child lived with me full time and remains so today. He sees his dad a bit but nowhere near as much as I thought he would considering how hands on he was when our child was younger.

On the plus side (and its a big plus!) - I have never, ever regretted my decision. Staying with him was slowly destroying me. He was 'nice' but interestingly, now I am older and wiser, I realise that he did actually like things on his terms (and I was the easy going, hardworking partner). He shut down lots of my thoughts (he was black and white, whereas I am a thinker) and he was (in his view) always right. It felt like a weight was lifted when I left him. I could be me. I have gone from strength to strength in my career, own my own house and feel proud that I have largely bought my child up alone. And the man I met who worked away? About 18 months after my split, he returned to the area. We have now been together for ten years; we laugh, we love being together and I look forward to spending time with him. He challenges me intellectually and he is the most supportive person regarding my career.

Sorry for the long post, but ultimately you will know. It seems however that you have plucked up the courage to face this when your child is still young whereas I did not. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

I’ve been in two different relationships that have similar aspects to yours.
The first was with my DC biological father. I wanted to end it but felt guilty because we had a child together. It is tough, but a baby is not enough of a reason to stay with someone you don’t love. I was as depressed as I could be but it got better once it was over.

My last bf had ED and PE. I was very attached to him and loved him. But even if we’d had no other issues there’s no way I would have been fulfilled or happy in that relationship. It was unbelievably bad.

You can absolutely have your own life as a single parent. Think of it this way. In your case you have the added benefit of sharing the parenting. You can both have a life and both be parents. Better to do it before you resent him further. You have your own home so that’s great; I feel bad for him but he is a grown man.

It really is all your own making this OP. I am struggling to understand why you decided to have a baby with this man. What a mess. You can’t go on feeling like this though. When you say he will only just be able to afford a flat, why is it him that has to leave?

I read this often here but it's the first time I've written it, reverse it

I split from the love of my life, my mum was dying, I settled for someone, got them pregnant, even though it was a chore, awful. She's a great mum, I'm on anti depressants just to be near her.

What would you be saying.

Let him go.

Work on yourself, Have a lovely coparenting relationship

I understand your partner is kind of sexually inadequate, but he was able to impregnate you, so could it just be a phase he is going through? You say he is lovely (apart from being a flop in bed...pardon the pun) would it be worth ending your relationship because he wasn't great in the sack? His libido can improve with help, no advice to offer other than please think it through before ending it.

What's the reason for him not staying hard,is there a medical reason? Is he apologetic that he doesn't please you? Do you think he's actually trying to just can't be bothered?

I agree with counselling for you to support you through leaving him. It's sounds awful and it's been 4 years.

End it. Co-parent. Get to know yourself single, take up hobbies and do things you love when baby is with him. Enjoy your child & your life. Shag whoever you want responsibly and respectively. Be single for at least a year.

That sounds very difficult. But you have a lot of solvable problems, which, although massive are less massive than a split up. A god friend of mine once told me never to make a major decision during a depressive episode.

First I'd prioritise getting your MH back to normal. You need to be making key decisions from a point of strength. clarity and relative happiness.

Next prioritise - both of you - sorting out the sex. He's never had sex with anyone except you so it's partly up to you to teach him. Whether he can learn or not is a different matter. Could you have some sexual therapy together?

I don't believe women get pregnant by accident very often. Why did you choose to have a baby with this man? It was a decision you made, to allow yourself to get into that position, not to use protection, not to terminate. Don't kid yourself it was an accident. You chose a man you knew would be a good father. That's valuable.

So many of my friends are in blended families, its absolutely nothing to be ashamed/worried about. Ive seen my friends alot happier when they have left a relationship thats not working and most have great relationships with the ex partner/dad. Kids will know when Mum and Dad are not in love and if things are annoying you a few years down the line, how are you going to feel in 10 years time? Will you be able to keep up an act in front of a 10 year old?

Saying that, I think concentrate on your own wellbeing at the moment rather than thinking about drastic decisions and possible future partners. You are going through alot and you need to think of your own mental health before making any final decisions. Do you have anyone to talk things through (a therapist?) about your depression?

Oh you poor thing. I can relate to this, and reading your post have me major anxiety of feeling trapped.

Finish it now, just say the words. Your baby is young and it will hurt them less.

tou don’t have to have a blend family. Try and dismiss all conventions in your mind if you can.

I will never move another man into my home with my kids. I can’t do it to then. But I intend to meet someone at some pint and have some good sex!!!

Leave him.

You will never be happy. It will make him unhappy and your child will be in a family with 2 parents that's hate eachother.

For your own sanity, and if you have any respect for him, be honest with him about how it isn't working out, but also tell him he's the best father to your child and hope that continues.

Leave him.

You will never be happy. It will make him unhappy and your child will be in a family with 2 parents that's hate eachother.

For your own sanity, and if you have any respect for him, be honest with him about how it isn't working out, but also tell him he's the best father to your child and hope that continues.

^ Thank god someone has their head screwed on. ^ @WhatTheFdoIdo read this article conscious-transitions.com/im-not-in-love/

emotions and lack of attraction/in love feelings are not always an indicator of what they show on the surface; sometimes they point to something inside of us that needs healing.