Page 5 | Should I send one last text?

Swimawayyy · 2022-12-20T19:57:24+00:00

Hi ive been seeing a guy for a couple of months. We had a conversation last week about where this was going and both agreed that we enjoy each others company but neither of us is in the right headspace yet for a relationship. he’s having a tough time at the moment. He’s incredibly busy at work and the anniversary of his sisters death is coming up just after Christmas, and he’s been unwell. I last saw him a week ago and I spoke to him on the phone 3 days ago and things seemed ok. Ive texted him twice since and had no reply. The last was 2 nights ago just saying goodnight and that I hoped he was ok. I know he’s read the message. I don’t know if he’s ignoring me (but why?) or he’s just super busy, but he’s never been too busy not to reply to a text before, or if it’s something else. I suppose I need to know if he’s just decided he doesn’t want to see me anymore. i want to reach out one last time - but I know if I do I’ll be checking my phone every 5 minutes for a reply. And I don’t know how to word it. I was thinking of waiting until after Christmas and sending one around his sisters anniversary? But this is driving me crazy and I’m not sure if I should text tonight? please help xx

Sandra1984 · 22/12/2022 11:58

Hearmeout · 22/12/2022 11:39

The lack of empathy on here is really saddening.

OP likes this guy, she never said she wanted to marry him ffs. Stop infantilising this woman.

Just because PP might have had bad texting experiences with unavailable men - this is not YOUR journey. You probably messed it up because you panicked, read too much into every text interaction and drove the guy away, truth be told.

Don't put that on OP.

They have established they are not in relationship headspace.
He is grieiving.
OP has not overreacted, she has replied, promptly and courteously, she didn't play games she behaved like an adult.

She's literally done not a thing wrong.

If she wants more than him in this moment, so what? That's how relationships work. They come in waves. Sometimes one or the other is more invested.

These two aren't in a relationship. They've been seeing each other.

There's literally no drama to be had and OP might be holding out hope that after Christmas (which after all is a family time usually) the guy come back on the scene and ready to move forward, what's wrong with that? She knows him better than any of you.

At the same token she might meet someone else in the meantime who knows? She knows she has the freedom to do that if she so wishes and the confidence to know that she can handle whatever happens.

Sorry to disagree, but it sounds like she’s investing too much emotional energy on an unavailable man. He sounds like he’s sending this and pulling away. She should not be trying to figure out why he’s not getting back and if she should text him or not, she should me going on other dates and enjoying her life.

isitdoinasnow · 22/12/2022 17:31

@Hearmeout Exactly. This is a man who's grieving. Maybe he couldn't reply because he didn't want to enter into a text conversation or discuss a meet up when he isn't in the right frame of mind. I really don't understand why people can't respect other peoples space and allow them time to reply. It's just rude to expect everyone to be able to respond immediately, especially someone who is grieving.
I'm sure in a lot of cases the lack of response is down to lack of interest but there could be a multitude of other reasons someone doesn't get back to you straight away.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 22/12/2022 18:11

Swimawayyy · 22/12/2022 08:51

I’ve replied:
a short “I’m good thanks and hope you are too” he has since replied, very quickly this time.

sorry, I know the majority of you will think I’m spineless, what if this turns out to be something in the future though? I know the chances are slim and I won’t keep reaching out. I’ve deleted his number again to be sure he reaches out first next time. I don’t feel as anxious now as I did earlier in the week and frankly if he is intending to use me, he won’t. I realise I’m better than that but cant be a bitch as that simply isn’t me

Just seen this reply from OP. Honestly if you’re deleting his number after he’s replied to you, it doesn’t look good!

Today I had a text from someone I was texting a lot in the summer but although he said he wanted to we never met up. I told him today I’d met someone else and he was asking about me and I said sorry don’t think it’s a good idea we chat and deleted his number, which I thought I’d done at the start. I’m also off the dating app we connected on whereas he was still on it.

I disagree with @Hearmeout. In an ideal world this is how things would work out and who knows it may well do so (probably won’t) but there’s so much game playing going on in dating these days. If OP does want to get back into the game playing good for her. We can’t stop her. But people can give advice and stories of their own which she can heed or not.

RLScott · 22/12/2022 18:50

Swimawayyy · 22/12/2022 08:51

I’ve replied:
a short “I’m good thanks and hope you are too” he has since replied, very quickly this time.

sorry, I know the majority of you will think I’m spineless, what if this turns out to be something in the future though? I know the chances are slim and I won’t keep reaching out. I’ve deleted his number again to be sure he reaches out first next time. I don’t feel as anxious now as I did earlier in the week and frankly if he is intending to use me, he won’t. I realise I’m better than that but cant be a bitch as that simply isn’t me

Good for you OP.

You are getting some good advice as people don’t want to see you get hurt, but ultimately you have to be yourself (which in your case is being kind and considerate). You deserve to be treated well also so any hint of that not being the case, bin!

RLScott · 22/12/2022 18:58

Hearmeout · 22/12/2022 11:39

The lack of empathy on here is really saddening.

OP likes this guy, she never said she wanted to marry him ffs. Stop infantilising this woman.

Just because PP might have had bad texting experiences with unavailable men - this is not YOUR journey. You probably messed it up because you panicked, read too much into every text interaction and drove the guy away, truth be told.

Don't put that on OP.

They have established they are not in relationship headspace.
He is grieiving.
OP has not overreacted, she has replied, promptly and courteously, she didn't play games she behaved like an adult.

She's literally done not a thing wrong.

If she wants more than him in this moment, so what? That's how relationships work. They come in waves. Sometimes one or the other is more invested.

These two aren't in a relationship. They've been seeing each other.

There's literally no drama to be had and OP might be holding out hope that after Christmas (which after all is a family time usually) the guy come back on the scene and ready to move forward, what's wrong with that? She knows him better than any of you.

At the same token she might meet someone else in the meantime who knows? She knows she has the freedom to do that if she so wishes and the confidence to know that she can handle whatever happens.

*Applauds

Totally get why others want to see OP be careful, but some of the advice of what action to take seems too harsh. Plus it’s not OP’s way (wouldn’t be my way either tbh). She has to be herself, while at the same time knowing when or when not to pursue things.

Original poster

Swimawayyy · 22/12/2022 19:27

RLScott · 22/12/2022 18:50

Good for you OP.

You are getting some good advice as people don’t want to see you get hurt, but ultimately you have to be yourself (which in your case is being kind and considerate). You deserve to be treated well also so any hint of that not being the case, bin!

Show quote history

I will bin if I don’t feel I am being treated well, thanks 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Swimawayyy · 22/12/2022 19:29

I am a naturally kind person and empathic and supportive etc etc - it’s just my way. It probably does make me over romanticise things and be optimistic, but that’s me! I’d rather believe there is good in people (in this case him) than presume the worst that he’s a user

OP posts:

Sandra1984 · 22/12/2022 20:33

Swimawayyy · 22/12/2022 19:29

I am a naturally kind person and empathic and supportive etc etc - it’s just my way. It probably does make me over romanticise things and be optimistic, but that’s me! I’d rather believe there is good in people (in this case him) than presume the worst that he’s a user

He’s not a user, he’s being honest, he doesn’t want anything serious and it’s letting you know, but you’re there hanging in the hopes he changes and becomes something serious.

emptythelitterbox · 22/12/2022 20:47

At least start meeting new guys so you won't be so invested in this one.

Original poster

Swimawayyy · 22/12/2022 20:58

emptythelitterbox · 22/12/2022 20:47

At least start meeting new guys so you won't be so invested in this one.

Ok
it’s easier said than done though to meet new guys

OP posts:

emptythelitterbox · 22/12/2022 21:01

Swimawayyy · 22/12/2022 20:58

Ok
it’s easier said than done though to meet new guys

Show quote history

How did you meet him?

Greenfairydust · 22/12/2022 21:08

No. Don't contact him again.

No one is that ''busy'' that they don't have a couple of minutes to reply to a text.

Cut your losses and move on.

I never understand men who actively date but go on about not being in the right 'place', 'headspace' or whatever for a relationship.

Usually what they really mean is that they are not interested in a relationship with YOU but are more than happy to keep having no string sex if you are up for it until they come across a woman they really like and will then suddenly have no issue with commitment.

Don't indulge time wasters like that.

ClarathecrosseyedLioness · 23/12/2022 07:14

@Greenfairydust I never understand men who actively date but go on about not being in the right 'place', 'headspace' or whatever for a relationship.
Usually what they really mean is that they are not interested in a relationship with YOU but are more than happy to keep having no string sex if you are up for it until they come across a woman they really like and will then suddenly have no issue with commitment.

Yup, met loads of these ^ when I was doing OLD.

Don't give him any more of your time OP.

Original poster

Swimawayyy · 31/12/2022 14:07

Update!
So I did reach out. I’ve texted him a few times and he has replied and we had a nice relaxed giggly phone conversation before Christmas. He’s gone quiet again though 😞. I do know he has loads on his plate and isn’t sleeping well etc and if I keep contacting him I’m actually going to start becoming intrusive… so I’m not contacting him again - now is not the time.

I went back into OLD and have started chatting to a guy who wants to meet next week for coffee. I think it would be good for me to go. I don’t particularly fancy him from his photos but I know it’s much better to meet IRL to see if there’s any spark.

I just wanted to update everyone really. I do really like the original guy and feel slightly weird meeting up with someone new - but I suppose you’ve got to meet loads of people to find the right one??

OP posts:

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 31/12/2022 14:18

If he keeps going quiet on you I think you're doing the right thing by seeing other people. The more people you meet, the more chance you have of finding someone who's right for you.

heartbroken40 · 31/12/2022 14:49

@Swimawayyy you'll always be second choice/an option for him rather than a priority. If that (and the aggro that accompanies that) is your thing, go ahead. If not, find the strength and end it.

It's soooo nice to feel safe in someone's love- once you try it, you'll never settle for crumbs again

Good luck

TeddybearBaby · 31/12/2022 15:00

Have a great time meeting up with the new guy, I hope it goes well.

Sounds like you and the original one are in different places atm where a relationship is concerned.

Have you heard of a guy called Matthew Hussey? I love his work, all about the world of dating but from a woman’s perspective. He’s on Instagram and Facebook. Might help give you some inspiration!

LaLuz7 · 31/12/2022 15:00

@Swimawayyy at least you can fund some closure in knowing you've given it one final shot.

You can let him go now. Reaching out again after he's ghosted you twice would be grovelling for scraps of his attention. Preserve your sanity and dignity and just delete and forget.

Original poster

Swimawayyy · 31/12/2022 17:25

Yes, number deleted (again 🙄)
and thank you. I do feel a sense of closure now which I didn’t have before

OP posts:

YouWouldNotBelieveIt · 31/12/2022 17:28

He's already decided he won't be seeing you again. You'd only been seeing each other a couple of months. Leave it. If you DO text, you'll make yourself look pathetic and needy

emptythelitterbox · 31/12/2022 17:35

Glad you're going on a date. Like the old saying about kissing a lot of frogs to get to the handsome prince. 😂

Go on lots of dates. Eventually one will stand out above the others and you'll both just know.

Original poster

Swimawayyy · 05/01/2023 17:15

So my coffee date is tomorrow… feel a tad nervous! It’s my first meet up with anyone from OLD!!

OP posts:

ForestLilac · 05/01/2023 17:31

It’s not a date, it’s an opportunity to meet someone new and have a hopefully lovely conversation. Nothing more, nothing less. Have a lovely time!

ForestLilac · 06/01/2023 16:39

@Swimawayyy how did it go? Good coffee?

Original poster

Swimawayyy · 06/01/2023 17:39

@ForestLilac it was fine. A nice coffee and a chat. Nothing more really. I didn’t feel any spark, if anything I was glad to get home.

And on the way home all I could think about was how much I fancy the original guy I’ve posted about and how we seemed to hit it off so well the first time we went out 😩.

Isn’t it funny how you always want what you can’t have???

OP posts: