Active discussions

Best Amazon Prime Day deals: Mumsnet favourites

Best Amazon Prime Day deals:
Mumsnet favourites

Shop now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I send one last text?

126 replies

Swimawayyy · 20/12/2022 19:57

Hi
ive been seeing a guy for a couple of months. We had a conversation last week about where this was going and both agreed that we enjoy each others company but neither of us is in the right headspace yet for a relationship.
he’s having a tough time at the moment. He’s incredibly busy at work and the anniversary of his sisters death is coming up just after Christmas, and he’s been unwell.
I last saw him a week ago and I spoke to him on the phone 3 days ago and things seemed ok.
Ive texted him twice since and had no reply. The last was 2 nights ago just saying goodnight and that I hoped he was ok. I know he’s read the message.

I don’t know if he’s ignoring me (but why?) or he’s just super busy, but he’s never been too busy not to reply to a text before, or if it’s something else. I suppose I need to know if he’s just decided he doesn’t want to see me anymore.

i want to reach out one last time - but I know if I do I’ll be checking my phone every 5 minutes for a reply. And I don’t know how to word it. I was thinking of waiting until after Christmas and sending one around his sisters anniversary? But this is driving me crazy and I’m not sure if I should text tonight?

please help xx

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/12/2022 18:01

TheDuchessOfMN · 21/12/2022 17:59

I know some would consider this childish, but if you are going to reply to him, I’d wait a day or two. Don’t take his crumbs.

Yes, wait if you do reply. Which I wouldn’t. The nasty bitch in me would tell him to fuck off to the far side of fucksville but that’s petty…

Original poster
Swimawayyy · 21/12/2022 18:02

I don’t want to ignore him though, or tell him to fuck off. I really like him

OP posts:
PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 21/12/2022 18:03

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/12/2022 18:01

Yes, wait if you do reply. Which I wouldn’t. The nasty bitch in me would tell him to fuck off to the far side of fucksville but that’s petty…

Show quote history

That's a bit harsh - he did tell the OP he wasn't ready for a relationship, which is fair enough. He might be trying to keep her on the back burner, I agree, but this might simply be his idea of letting her down gently.

Either way, it's best ignored.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 21/12/2022 18:05

Swimawayyy · 21/12/2022 18:02

I don’t want to ignore him though, or tell him to fuck off. I really like him

Yes but he does not feel the same. Men will not ignore you for days on end if they are keen.

isitdoinasnow · 21/12/2022 18:05

Just because you've both agreed that you don't want a relationship right now doesn't mean you can't carry on a friendship. I wouldn't ignore his message but I also wouldn't have been too upset about the lack of reply for a couple of days. I sometimes ignore messages when I'm feeling low and it sounds like he has very good reason to at the moment. Just carry on as normal I say.

SunflowerTed · 21/12/2022 18:11

Id leave it until at least tomorrow to reply

JamSandle · 21/12/2022 18:12

Another vote for no.

Ofcourseshecan · 21/12/2022 18:12

isitdoinasnow · 21/12/2022 18:05

Just because you've both agreed that you don't want a relationship right now doesn't mean you can't carry on a friendship. I wouldn't ignore his message but I also wouldn't have been too upset about the lack of reply for a couple of days. I sometimes ignore messages when I'm feeling low and it sounds like he has very good reason to at the moment. Just carry on as normal I say.

I came here to say the same thing. Three days doesn’t seem a terribly long time to answer a text. I’d reply with something neutral but pleasant like “I’m fine thanks, and hope you are too.”

If he gets into a pattern of ignoring you for days, though, I would be less patient.

billy1966 · 21/12/2022 18:14

Match his timeline.

Leave it a couple of days.

If you aren't careful you are going to get really hurt here.

So give him 3 days before you reply.

We teach people how to treat us.

He may be grieving which is fine, but you need to mind yourself first.

JamSandle · 21/12/2022 18:14

billy1966 · 21/12/2022 18:14

Match his timeline.

Leave it a couple of days.

If you aren't careful you are going to get really hurt here.

So give him 3 days before you reply.

We teach people how to treat us.

He may be grieving which is fine, but you need to mind yourself first.

Agree with this. Sorry I responded before seeing he had replied to you.

dcadmamagain · 21/12/2022 18:49

I wouldnt leave it 3 days I’d wait a day then reply saying you’re good. Mention you realise he maybe finding it hard at moment and you don’t want to intrude so you will not text again until after sisters anniversary. But if he needs a friend to chat to he’s more than welcome to get in touch.

does that make sense? Gives you breathing space and time over Xmas

Original poster
Swimawayyy · 21/12/2022 18:50

dcadmamagain · 21/12/2022 18:49

I wouldnt leave it 3 days I’d wait a day then reply saying you’re good. Mention you realise he maybe finding it hard at moment and you don’t want to intrude so you will not text again until after sisters anniversary. But if he needs a friend to chat to he’s more than welcome to get in touch.

does that make sense? Gives you breathing space and time over Xmas

I like this
and to be honest it’s much more “me”

OP posts:
Hadtochangeforthisone · 21/12/2022 18:52

I will give you the same advice I give all my friends in the horrific dating arena... STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM !!

Put yourself in the same position. You really like this man, but you are a bit stressed and also busy. He sends you a nice message. Do you ignore it for days or do you acknowledge it with a reply. NO ONE IS THAT BUSY ... it takes literally 20 seconds to send a nice message. You can do it whilst having a wee... he has chosen not to. That is who he is.

PearlclutchersInc · 21/12/2022 18:53

No, cut your losses now!

Marineboy67 · 21/12/2022 18:58

Why bother contacting someone that doesn't want you?...he's obviously moved on in his head & heart. Unrequited love is awfully painful but to keep texting just becomes pitiful and you run the risk of appearing desperate.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 19:01

Swimawayyy · 20/12/2022 20:14

I have deleted his number ( just because I know what I’m like) and the WhatsApp chat.
but I know I can get his number anytime … he’s on a WhatsApp group I’m on. Is there any solution to this?

Don't?

Thesearmsofmine · 21/12/2022 19:04

To me it seems like he knows you like him and is going to keep you as an easy option for company/sex/fun when he wants it but he always has a get out clause of saying he told you he didn’t want a relationship(and you agreed?).

Cut your losses, you’ll end up getting hurt.

WitheringTights000 · 21/12/2022 19:12

Don't do it OP, don't respond. I agree with the above poster, he knows you like him/care and will use you when it suits him. Don't let him treat you like an option! You are worth more than that.

Honestly, at this point, I would ghost him! It will show him he can't treat you like that. I wouldn't block, any future messages from him I would just read them and not respond!

LaLuz7 · 21/12/2022 19:15

Swimawayyy · 21/12/2022 18:50

I like this
and to be honest it’s much more “me”

Show quote history

Noooo, that's such a wet blanket response. He ignores you for 3 weeks and instead you basically tell him that you'll be there for him to offer support whenever he deems you worthy of his time. You make yourself sound way too available.

That's how you get used and strung along.

I would not make him wait either. That's petty and a bit like playing a mind game. Why not use the opportunity to assert your boundaries and be honest about how you feel let down?

"I'm good, thanks. Sort of surprised to hear from you after 3 days of radio silence. I know life gets busy and crazy at times, but i really appreciate consistency and consideration in my relationships/friendships."

OldKingCole · 21/12/2022 19:16

Oh FGS - what’s with all the game playing?
he was busy with other stuff and texted you back when he had a chance.
ignore all the drama queens.
if you like him don’t play games and just text him.
later on you can mention to him that you appreciate more timely responses

billy1966 · 21/12/2022 19:19

Hadtochangeforthisone · 21/12/2022 18:52

I will give you the same advice I give all my friends in the horrific dating arena... STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM !!

Put yourself in the same position. You really like this man, but you are a bit stressed and also busy. He sends you a nice message. Do you ignore it for days or do you acknowledge it with a reply. NO ONE IS THAT BUSY ... it takes literally 20 seconds to send a nice message. You can do it whilst having a wee... he has chosen not to. That is who he is.

I so agree with this.

If he was into you, he would be texting back promptly..

He isn't so he thinks he can play with you knowing you are keen.

If you don't have firm boundaries you are going to get sucked in and hurt.

You have been warned.

When a man is interested, a woman knows, when he isn't, she's confused.

Save yourself inevitable heartache from someone who is suiting themselves.

Hearmeout · 21/12/2022 19:45

Ok assuming you're not 14, please don't arse about waiting days to respond to make some kind of bizarre stance.

If you like him, reply.

"Day has been good, got lots done, hope you're doing ok - I know you're struggling a bit at present. Keep in touch x

Done.

Texting for adults.

WitheringTights000 · 21/12/2022 19:50

No one is being a drama queen.

We are simply trying to give her advice and speaking from experience.

Texting like adults does not involve leaving someone hanging for 3 days when they know you have read their message!

The casual arrangement just falls into his hands OP....I've been told by others before if a man says he wants something casual, that means he just wants something casual with you...don't be that option for him.

If you were completely fine with casual then that's great, but it does sound like you have feelings for him. You can't help how you feel...but protect yourself! The more you get involved the more feelings you will have,

And sorry if any of this sounds harsh! Just trying to help you avoid the same mistakes I've made so many times!!

Hearmeout · 21/12/2022 20:11

WitheringTights000 · 21/12/2022 19:50

No one is being a drama queen.

We are simply trying to give her advice and speaking from experience.

Texting like adults does not involve leaving someone hanging for 3 days when they know you have read their message!

The casual arrangement just falls into his hands OP....I've been told by others before if a man says he wants something casual, that means he just wants something casual with you...don't be that option for him.

If you were completely fine with casual then that's great, but it does sound like you have feelings for him. You can't help how you feel...but protect yourself! The more you get involved the more feelings you will have,

And sorry if any of this sounds harsh! Just trying to help you avoid the same mistakes I've made so many times!!

Not sure how my text suggestion would be opening a portal for OP to get hurt.

They've both already agree they're not heading into a relationship right now.

Answering a text when you receive it instead of purposely waiting about to do it is infantile behaviour.

OP is an adult woman who likes this man. It's ok for her to be kind to him in this moment, honour her own and his boundaries and answer his text in a polite, adult way if she so wishes.