Should I send one last text?

[Swimawayyy]

Hi
ive been seeing a guy for a couple of months. We had a conversation last week about where this was going and both agreed that we enjoy each others company but neither of us is in the right headspace yet for a relationship.
he’s having a tough time at the moment. He’s incredibly busy at work and the anniversary of his sisters death is coming up just after Christmas, and he’s been unwell.
I last saw him a week ago and I spoke to him on the phone 3 days ago and things seemed ok.
Ive texted him twice since and had no reply. The last was 2 nights ago just saying goodnight and that I hoped he was ok. I know he’s read the message.

I don’t know if he’s ignoring me (but why?) or he’s just super busy, but he’s never been too busy not to reply to a text before, or if it’s something else. I suppose I need to know if he’s just decided he doesn’t want to see me anymore.

i want to reach out one last time - but I know if I do I’ll be checking my phone every 5 minutes for a reply. And I don’t know how to word it. I was thinking of waiting until after Christmas and sending one around his sisters anniversary? But this is driving me crazy and I’m not sure if I should text tonight?

please help xx

I agree with this and it actually goes a similar way for me and others (male or female). If I like someone I’ll text back quickly or not leave it too long. If I don’t I’ll wait a couple of days. The only caveat to this is if say I’ve received some devastating news (family bereavement/lost a job eg been made redundant etc) even then it’d be a 1-2 day reply (as I’m processing) and then I’d apologise to the interested romantic person for the delay.

This man could say or do anything now and knows OP would forgive him.

@Hearmeout - you are saying it is infantile behaviour to purposely wait before responding to a text, but that is what he has done to her? He received her message 3 days ago, he is throwing breadcrumbs.

Yes, the OP agreed to casual. But she has admitted she really likes him. That's not casual territory. The OP is probably hoping it will lead to more!

The OP isn't honouring her own boundaries as she is letting him treat her as an option and she doesn't feel happy with that...hence the anxiety about Him not messaging for a few days.

@WitheringTights000

I think you're overthinking this a little.

It's a text.

Not the declaration of independence.

It's not that deep.

So if you consider OP being breadcrumbed (which she may well be) waiting days to text back achieves exactly what? Other than building unneccesary manufactured stress and anticipation - that she'd literally inflicting on herself by putting herself on some bizarre texting timetable.

It's not normal, I'm sorry.

We're not going to agree though, I don't think. That's ok.

@Hearmeout - I'm not overthinking at all...the OP is thinking about it quite a bit which is normal. I've done it myself.

You haven't read my first post correctly....I advised the OP not to respond at all. You are right about stress. The situation is causing her stress so I advised her to just leave it and forget about him. I also advised her to ignore future attempts at contact as it is making worry etc.

It is perfectly normal to cut off a guy who isn't treating her in the way she deserves/who isn't on the same page...that's healthy!

Hey,

I just wanted to come on and say I couldn’t disagree more with the comments saying he’s just not into you! Grief effects us all in such different ways. When my mum passed away I lost the ability to communicate. I just fell off the radar completely. Anniversaries can have the same effect.

I think he has a really legitimate reason for his behaviour.

I’m glad he’s replied now and I hope it all works out how you’d like it to.

OP, you said this in your first post

‘both agreed that we enjoy each others company but neither of us is in the right headspace yet for a relationship’

he is acting as you’d expect given the luke warm feelings above

but if you like him this much as the rest of your posts suggest…be honest with him, and get a clear no/yes

Stating that you will be “there for him.” Is a really really bad idea. It also shouldn’t be the case. Doormats wait around to assist those who give nothing back and don’t build real lasting relationships.

I don’t think waiting three days is the answer either. I think not texting him back is the answer. This fool is being disrespectful and op? You don’t like him, you like who you think he is. That is not him. Look at his ACTIONS and not excuses you’re making in your head.

Grief does touch us all in weird ways. But I can tell you that those who respect people in their lives don’t go radio silent and then just pop up like nothing happened. They are able to apologize and talk about what they have been going through. Not being able to do that is disrespectful and really trash. Also grief isn’t a license to be hurtful or for any bad behavior.

OP you won’t listen to me, but I want you to remember this thread. This guy is viewing you as an option and the more available you make yourself the more he will discount you.

Of you must text him, I’d keep it short and just say “good.” But I think texting him is a really bad idea. It’s a CLASSIC breadcrumb and it’s really shitty that he didn’t address leaving you on read. That is messed up

I hope you can learn to not make excuses for others in your head to justify their mistreatment if you, or their bad behaviors. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you bend yourself in knots. You should it tolerate less than respect and dignity. You are worth more than the way he is treating you and if you accept this bullshit he will continue on.

I really don’t suggest ANY woman EVER write “I’ll be here” or whatever. It’s a VERY poor decision. Even strategically. You suddenly make yourself an option to be used when the other person seems fit. Have more agency than that.

If he is into you he will do better than the way he is acting. If you take the crumb like a starving dog, you will only show him how harsh he can treat you.

good luck OP. It’s really hard to have boundaries and to say to yourself “screw this mess, I deserve more than to be treated like this and I love myself enough to walk away from it”

Yep. I had one of those.
I kept getting sucked back in and rejected again.
I can't say how many times that happened, as it's too embarrassing.

Best thing you can do is not reply.

I would be pissed right off of someone ignored me like that, it’s unkind and shows how much they think of you. Think you know he’s not the one deep down so listen to your gut feeling

@Hearmeout The problem is that despite their agreement to be casual OP's clearly invested more feelings into it while he remains casual.

Well he’s obviously realised you’ve deleted him and is trying to reel you back in.
Don’t get sucked in. He’ll just ignore you again…

I’ve replied:
a short “I’m good thanks and hope you are too” he has since replied, very quickly this time.

sorry, I know the majority of you will think I’m spineless, what if this turns out to be something in the future though? I know the chances are slim and I won’t keep reaching out. I’ve deleted his number again to be sure he reaches out first next time. I don’t feel as anxious now as I did earlier in the week and frankly if he is intending to use me, he won’t. I realise I’m better than that but cant be a bitch as that simply isn’t me

@Swimawayyy - he has replied quickly to reel you back in, then he will revert to his old ways again! Sorry OP but you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt...just think how hurt you will feel when he meets someone he really likes and wants a relationship with her....

I would cut your loses now.

And no you are not being a bitch at all, having boundaries is not being a bitch and it's something he will respect, although he may not like it.

He's told you he doesn't want anything serious with you and he's been flaky and inconsistent.

These types of situationships never amount to anything worthwhile. I know you want to cling to hope, but is that smart?

You could take this time and energy and mental space that you're wasting on him and channel it into finding someone who is actually enthusiastic about you instead.

Trust me, we've all been where you are and we know how this plays out 99% of the time.

Oh op. Why did you agree you didn’t want a relationship with him when you desperately do.

what’s the saying, never make someone a priority when you are just an option to them.

it’s never going to be what you want. He’s told you this.

I have lost a sibling, the anniversary is January and this time of year is incredibly difficult for me. If he has shown no other red flags then give him the benefit of the doubt.

You don’t need to play games, text him back but have your wits about you and don’t let him do this twice.

oh I’m sorry, I skim read and didn’t see that he had told you he doesn’t want anything serious.

If you are more invested than him and want more it won’t end well and you should cut your losses now x

OP, you’re investing all your emotional energy on someone who doesn’t love, doesn’t care about you but throws you a bread crumb every now and then to keep you hanging in there.

Why are you putting up with it?

Read the second line of your first post again. That surely is the key point here. Your subsequent posts contradict this - surely you’ve both already agreed that the relationship is going nowhere?

I think he’s not getting back to you because this is not a serious relationship but you’re investing too much into it and he’s sensing it so the silent treatment is his way of reminding you that he’s not taking this seriously.

I don’t understand why people do this to themselves . When someone basically says I’m not interested , but effectively will hang around and use you as a back up option/available sex if you want, then understand they mean it and they aren’t secretly wishing a relationship with you . Staying in won’t change their minds, they just respect you less for it.

its a futile exercise in self harm. It’s so much better to say ok, let me know when you are up for a relationship and walk away with your self esteem. Not to say no, I’m not into a relationship either then behave like you’re in one and get upset when they don’t.

Where has OP said any of the things you've just said??

"I really like him"

"sorry, I know the majority of you will think I’m spineless, what if this turns out to be something in the future though?"

It's so very obvious that she's more invested and hoping for an actual relationship. But she won't own that for fear of driving him away.

"We had a conversation last week about where this was going and both agreed that we enjoy each others company but neither of us is in the right headspace yet for a relationship."

But yet...you're hanging off his texts, going crazy and focusing your energy on the relationship you're not in the right headspace for. Which is it...and why are you waiting until he decides whether he wants to keep on seeing you? You're tip-toeing around his issues and treating him like he's made of candy floss.

You're more invested in this than he is and your fear is that he's just not that into you. I think you're probably right. At the risk of sounding callous, his sister's anniversary is a red herring. That's not why he's unavailable.
Too shabby for you...move on.

The lack of empathy on here is really saddening.

OP likes this guy, she never said she wanted to marry him ffs. Stop infantilising this woman.

Just because PP might have had bad texting experiences with unavailable men - this is not YOUR journey. You probably messed it up because you panicked, read too much into every text interaction and drove the guy away, truth be told.

Don't put that on OP.

They have established they are not in relationship headspace.
He is grieiving.
OP has not overreacted, she has replied, promptly and courteously, she didn't play games she behaved like an adult.

She's literally done not a thing wrong.

If she wants more than him in this moment, so what? That's how relationships work. They come in waves. Sometimes one or the other is more invested.

These two aren't in a relationship. They've been seeing each other.

There's literally no drama to be had and OP might be holding out hope that after Christmas (which after all is a family time usually) the guy come back on the scene and ready to move forward, what's wrong with that? She knows him better than any of you.

At the same token she might meet someone else in the meantime who knows? She knows she has the freedom to do that if she so wishes and the confidence to know that she can handle whatever happens.