Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

[tinderexplorer]

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

Wow so your other half was hundreds of miles away at uni whilst you, at 21 was at your parents home raising a baby? For more than a year?

Good decision OP. This is a red flag so big it conforms with the curvature of the earth.

@Ursuladevine I would give the support that I outline above, but there would be no facilitating of any "dates" with any more men.

I would also move to get her some sort of counselling because of the damage I think that sort of behaviour would be inflicting on her mental state. I can't imagine being left by 3 men in such a callous manner and expect it would be detrimental to a womans self esteem. Quite apart from the damage I think this set up would do to the children involved.

If my son behaved like this, leaving children in his wake, I would be inclined to disown him though.

Are you or your children in this situation if you don't mind me asking?

Yes. And also earning money and sending it to us.

The only good point about this is that he told you straight away. I suppose it's possible that he has a tendency to choose women who have issues and don't want to hang around with their baby father. But c'mon, how likely is that?
Anyway, if you want to be with this person and don't want children you will be in position of constant complicated hassle (Ive been there). If you do, well you know the answer, I'm surprised you are even asking.
If you like polyamorous situations it could fit as an affair, but make sure he always uses a condom.

Otherwise, yes, run run run

No, in early secondary and late primary!
but it was the vehemence with which you said how appalled you would be, how stupid the woman must be… and I just wondered how someone would respond if her own daughter was in the situation

If my son behaved like this, leaving children in his wake, I would be inclined to disown him though.

and the women and your GC too out of interest?

I suppose I am just interested how such a fierce “I’d be appalled” “stupid” woman translates in to your approach to your own children 🤷‍♀️

extremely selfish and lacking in conscience! The problem is many people don’t give a hoot about the welfare of kids unless it’s their own flesh and blood.

And before anyone says it, yes of course the fathers in these situations are the main culprits as they’re the ones neglecting their parental responsibilities.

Ah ok, well I would respond as I felt appropriate at the time.

I see my job as a parent to equip my child for the ups and downs of adulthood. Of course, I would support them through trying times (as mine supported me), but my husband and I also shouldered much of the responsibility. I would expect my child to do the same and to not repeatedly err.

At 21, I realised that, in terms of what I wanted to provide for my child (in an ideal world), I was going to come up short. And so I did absolutely everything in my power to get in the situation I wanted for her.

And so I did absolutely everything in my power to get in the situation I wanted for her.

aided enormously by the free home, food, utilities and practical support provided by your parents. And hopefully love and no judgement

A guy, mid 30s, doing some work at my house said he has 5 kids with five different mothers, and “Women are a bloody nuisance”!

I understand your sentiment. But it wasn't free, I always had to pay them rent lol.

No such thing as a free lunch with my parents 😂

How did you manage to work at 21 and have a new born?

and the amount that a 2nd year student would be sending back surely just about covered baby bits!

You had to pay them rent at 21 with a newborn?! Cripes

Must be so difficult controlling that wayward penis.

Yes I had to pay them rent, a couple of hundred a month. It was a good deal though cos my mum looked after DD from when she was 5 months old (and I went back to work) until she was 18 months and i gave up work to be a SAHM because by that time my husband had graduated. We had enough saved for a deposit on a house by then cos I had saved all my (decent) wage after rent, train fare and nappies.

My husband moved back in with his parents too to save money. He sent just over 250 a month to me from his PT job and travelled to see us once every 6 weeks.

We had help from both sides of the family to make it work, but I know they would only be supportive so far.

How the heck did you afford a few hundred a month at 21 presumably a good few years ago with a new born and a boyfriend in second year of uni. Plus all baby paraphernalia?

im genuinely fascinated!

Bloody hell, he saw his newborn son once every 6 weeks? That must have been a very difficult time for you

Wow your mum looked after you baby for over a year full time? Now that’s the kind of support I’m thinking about I would do

For free as well. You were very blessed. Imagine having been 21, with a newborn and a boyfriend hundreds of miles away studying in second year.

I was earning decent money straight out of uni (given my small outgoings) I wasn't entitled to SMP, but got MA. Plus it was the era of tax credits (DD nearly 16 now) so I was able to claim that and CB. Plus 250 a month off sent from husbands PT job.

All big baby items were either 2nd hand or bought by extended family either side (we both have big families) Even things like clothes and nappies people bought tons.

We were blessed, that's true. Even my work were supportive and promoted me to better paid job straight back from mat leave (and I'd only been there 3 months before going off on mat leave for 5 months!)

Each family has their own vibe and i know the vibe of my family...if I'd decided not to save and instead blown all the money frivolously, I know my family would have been less sympathetic and helpful.

Do you know what, it probably was. But it didn't feel it to me at the time, or even now looking back. I was just so focused on saving. It must've been hard for him not seeing DD though.

Yes but she wouldn't have kept doing it another 2 times. I know the woman and she just wouldn't have!

She may have surprised you. That was quite something, taking on full time for free a 5 month old for over a year. Give her a really tight squeeze this Christmas!