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Original poster

Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

536 replies

tinderexplorer · 20/12/2022 06:29

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

OP posts:
anon666 · 22/12/2022 00:01

It is a red flag.

Mainly because of the cost. How does he afford to support three different families? He surely will have nothing leftover to live on. 🤔

That would be a deal breaker for me. "Sorry mate, you've used up all your chances at life"

Startingagain8 · 22/12/2022 00:02

Francisca459 · 21/12/2022 20:02

I would want nothing to do with him - even as a friend. He has made 3 children and is not part of a family unit with any of them. He's not even 40! What a dickhead. He is presumably paying money to the mothers of all three (unless he is a complete deadbeat loser), so how is he any kind of prospect for a partner? He'll never be able to afford anything, any decent life and if he does, he is doing it at the expense of these children! I wouldn't touch a man with kids with a bargepole let alone 3 with 3 relationship failures. You can do better - or can't you?

Exactly, I’d hate to struggle with our finances all going out to other households but then equally I’d be horrified at the idea of having a comfortable life with a man at the expense of his children who came before me and should be his priority.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/12/2022 00:09

It would depend on why. A ONS that ended in a pregnancy that he had no input into, followed by two failed LTR......not ideal but ok. 3 women who got knocked up by him and then dumped......he is a shit.
Sometimes life doesnt turn out the way we hope. For example, I got pregnant by a brief relationship when I was 17, I still had periods and was still a skinny size 10 when I found out at 6 months gone. Ex wasnt interested and legged it but the point is, it happens.

I would say that the fact he was upfront about it is a good sign, he isnt trying to hide them (seen that happen many times both on MN and IRL). I would be honest with him and say that it has thrown you, that you want to know more about how/why he ended up with 3x3 and what his contact/CM arrangements are. Any wishy washy answers will show he is full of shit, but honest up front answers are a better sign. Also, you need to know (depending on your own plans) if he wants more kids or not.

Then make your decision based on whether your life plans match up. Personally I wouldnt want to be a SM to 3 kids with 3 different mums to deal with, but I am 50 and passed that shit, I dont want to be a SM to anyone!

Citycentre3 · 22/12/2022 00:11

Startingagain8 · 22/12/2022 00:02

Exactly, I’d hate to struggle with our finances all going out to other households but then equally I’d be horrified at the idea of having a comfortable life with a man at the expense of his children who came before me and should be his priority.

Show quote history

Yes exactly. I can never understand why more women don't think like this, instead of jumping head first into a relationship with a man that should have other priorities. I conclude that the women themselves have to be very very selfish!

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 05:33

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 20:56

Not well at all. I was lucky, most definitely, in that my child's father married me and we have gone on to create a stable family together.

I would not be appalled if my daughter got pregnant, but I would be appalled if she carried on repeating the same behaviour with 2 other men down the line, creating children with no thought to whether who was fathering them was a good bet.

Show quote history

I was lucky,

and there we have it

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 05:34

I would be appalled

but would you still support? Or would you disown?

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 05:35

Dibbydoos · 21/12/2022 22:37

My DH was married at 19. They had 2 kids and split up.
He was single until we met in our early 30's. By then he had 2 more kids with 2 women - apparently, both said they were on the pill, the first passed the baby off as someone else's wtf.
We married around 18m after we met - we were soul mates. We had 2 kids and were happy until he died aged 50yo due to the antibiotics (he was flooded with to kill off mrsa he contracted during a knee operation) killing his liver.
I didn't see it as a red flag. He told me about his kids in our first conversation. He clearly loved them.

And how did you manage with 4 step children from 3 different ex’s?

was your family home ever not occupied by children from your partners previous relationships?

Charmian1957 · 22/12/2022 05:37

Priceed with caution. Get the whole story. There may be good reasons, but sounds like not a stayer in relationships.
If he is not prepared to explain it all, then I think you should walk away. Sorry if that is not want you want to hear.

marcopront · 22/12/2022 07:17

tinderexplorer · 21/12/2022 10:10

I have given the matter some thought and upon reflection, I've decided to bin him off. As others have said, I would effectively be playing fourth fiddle. I don't want that. It's a bit unfortunate as I liked him until he mentioned the 3x3 bombshell.

@Charley50

You missed this

Motherofone163 · 22/12/2022 07:19

Sprint away from this situation. He has shown no staying power and puts no proper consideration into fathering a child. If he is doing his job as a parent properly he will have no time or money to put into this relationship. If he has time and money this is even a bigger reason to run and don't look back.

pompomdaisy · 22/12/2022 07:27

That's not just a 🚩 it's a 🚩 with bells 🔔 whistles and a big hooter on!

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 08:10

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 05:33

I was lucky,

and there we have it

Show quote history

I'm not sure I get your point. Yes, I was lucky in that we got married. But I can guarantee you that if we hadn't, I would not have gone on to had 2 more kids by 2 different blokes. It just wouldn't have happened because my parenting style wouldn't facilitate it iyswim. I'd have thrown all my energy into my daughter.

As to would I support my daughter in this situation, what you mean by support? She would know I wasn't impressed, I can tell you that for nowt. Do you mean practical, financial, housing? What sort of support are you talking about?

darkwinterdays · 22/12/2022 08:20

I'd have questions-let's put to that way. And the answer would need to be pretty good...

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 08:22

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 08:10

I'm not sure I get your point. Yes, I was lucky in that we got married. But I can guarantee you that if we hadn't, I would not have gone on to had 2 more kids by 2 different blokes. It just wouldn't have happened because my parenting style wouldn't facilitate it iyswim. I'd have thrown all my energy into my daughter.

As to would I support my daughter in this situation, what you mean by support? She would know I wasn't impressed, I can tell you that for nowt. Do you mean practical, financial, housing? What sort of support are you talking about?

Show quote history

the support I would give my daughter?

yes, as much financial that is required balanced with what I would afford
as much love and support and lacking in judgement as I have to give, which for my DD, is pretty much a bottomless pit.
as much practical support as I could in terms of helping with childcare

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 08:23

She would know I wasn't impressed,

ok so once you’d made that clear, you would then repeatedly say it? Constantly make it clear? Or say it then once and then move on?

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 08:31

Well if she thought she was gonna have 3 kids she could ill afford and dump them on me as childcare...I'm afraid I wouldn't be facilitating any down time for her to go and meet yet more fellas.

In terms of housing, if I had room then there are NO circumstances in which she would be asked to leave with children.

I would give further practical support to the extent I would give any adult child of mine who I felt was making stupid mistakes repeatedly...that would be on a case by case basis and depending on how it was affecting me.

I think to keep on and on with nothing but endless support and non judgement would be akin to lunacy. Especially if I felt like I was enabling it.

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 08:35

So to the explicit question

After you had made clear how utterly appalled you were and made clear how stupid you thought she was…. Would you repeat this mantra? Or move on as support as you outlined above?

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 08:36

When you fell pregnant five months after meeting your partner, where were you living? What did your parents say or do?

jimmyjammy001 · 22/12/2022 08:50

If you continue to get involved with him after every single person on here telling you to run and for good reason then nobody will have any sympathy for you what so ever in the future when all the problems crop up. You really don't need the hassle of 3 kids from all different mothers in your life

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 08:53

@Ursuladevine I was in my final year at uni, so 21. He was in his second year and 23. Miles away from home but because I was doing my finals at the time I was due to be moving home with my parents.

I knew they would be unimpressed with me having a child out of wedlock, but i also knew they were pro-life, so it would be a conundrum for them. I was afraid I might get kicked out so told them when I was 5 months gone and had made a plan. I got a job and had a charity who would support me if it came to it and my parents were against me.

In the event they were very supportive and fantastic. But if I'd done it even once more with another bloke...I'm not so sure!! But I could be wrong.

SirMingeALot · 22/12/2022 09:17

jimmyjammy001 · 22/12/2022 08:50

If you continue to get involved with him after every single person on here telling you to run and for good reason then nobody will have any sympathy for you what so ever in the future when all the problems crop up. You really don't need the hassle of 3 kids from all different mothers in your life

OP has now said she's not going to see this bloke again, which is a good decision for her.

Cate0101 · 22/12/2022 10:36

I would be asking him why his relationships didn't work out. See what he has to say. If they are all "bitches" .. I'd be a bit thoughtful.

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 10:50

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 08:53

@Ursuladevine I was in my final year at uni, so 21. He was in his second year and 23. Miles away from home but because I was doing my finals at the time I was due to be moving home with my parents.

I knew they would be unimpressed with me having a child out of wedlock, but i also knew they were pro-life, so it would be a conundrum for them. I was afraid I might get kicked out so told them when I was 5 months gone and had made a plan. I got a job and had a charity who would support me if it came to it and my parents were against me.

In the event they were very supportive and fantastic. But if I'd done it even once more with another bloke...I'm not so sure!! But I could be wrong.

Did you live with your parents? And I’d love to know re my question? (Nosy!)

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2022 11:29

@Ursuladevine yes initially until my husband had graduated and to give us a chance to save up. Our daughter and I lived apart from husband for first couple of years of her life.

What specific question please? I thought I'd answered all of them.

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 11:33

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 08:35

So to the explicit question

After you had made clear how utterly appalled you were and made clear how stupid you thought she was…. Would you repeat this mantra? Or move on as support as you outlined above?

This one

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