Well, here we are… another one

[Beachlives]

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

Personally, I'd keep a lid on this until after Christmas if you can.
If you want him out of the house, maybe tell the kids he's needed at granny's or something. It would give you breathing space but also not load more stress on top of Christmas. If you can manage it, I'd try to give the kids a Christmas without this news.

You don't have to decide anything now - he isn't entitled to clarity frankly.
I'd probably want to see what ow had to say, but keep in mind she isn't on your side. Her version will be blunt and skewed. Yes, he's wronged her too but she isn't deserving of pity - she knowingly got into a relationship with someone who is married and has children. Remember, you don't owe her a reply, she isn't entitled to know anything about you and what you think or feel.

I think you've handled this amazing well, OP, and like a PP said, it's great you're focused on him and his wrongdoing rather than the OW.

Make sure you're the one setting the pace here, and not him. And perhaps remember that he wouldn't have admitted this unless he had to ............

Can you get him out of the house? Like fuck would I be spending Xmas with him

Thinking of you, good luck at work x

Thinking of you x. What a shit he is, selfish knob

Hope you're OK OP. I agree don't shield him from family etc. Also, there is a very very strong possibilty he is still lying, and he didn't finish it. She has asked for more, and tried to force his hand. Also, how would she know how to email you at work?

Sorry this is happening to you. I’m glad you managed to get some sleep.

OP, not read the whole thread but just to say the OW in my case was a right pain trying to get herself ‘heard’. Like you, Imrealised straight away that she had been lied to and had a relationship built on shifting sand. I never have her the satisfaction of an audience because although she never made vows with me, she absolutely was integral in the breakdown of my marriage and I didn’t want to give her the opportunity to justify her actions.

Some 15 years later, I have never regretted it. You don’t need to reply to her email when it comes.

If you do reply to any email I would ask if she’s the one who contacted you in September and tell her she should get checked as he caught herpes earlier in the year.
If he can lie, so can you.

For those wondering how OW could email the OP at work..... it's easy if they know her name and where she works as companies generally have a standardized email format. If OP is quite senior, her email may even be on the company website.

Oh what a bastard, I'm so sorry

I'm generally not one for playing games but this is a brilliant idea.

I'm so sorry op, I've been there myself and it's awful. I feel for you and your kids.

This is what you need to
do.
Throw him
out, don’t play happy families all Christmas. Make this real. Don’t cover up for him if family and friends ask where he is.

@Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · Today 10:03
OP, not read the whole thread but just to say the OW in my case was a right pain trying to get herself ‘heard’. Like you, Imrealised straight away that she had been lied to and had a relationship built on shifting sand. I never have her the satisfaction of an audience because although she never made vows with me, she absolutely was integral in the breakdown of my marriage and I didn’t want to give her the opportunity to justify her actions.
Some 15 years later, I have never regretted it. You don’t need to reply to her email when it comes.

Agree with this. The other woman might not be the one you should blame but she knew he was married didn't she?
Don't give either of them airtime.

I'm so sorry OP. What an utter dickhead.

Forgive me, I'm going to be blunt, but this is not an attack on you. Kick the AH out. This isn't his first affair. If he was sorry he wouldn't have done it again. It's not a one-off, he was having an affair with her for a YEAR. How many times did he have to lie to you to cover it up? And he did it while you were supposed to be working on things!

He's only sorry he got caught. He's thinks he can talk you round because he's managed to after pervious affairs. He thinks he can walk all over you. If you forgive him yet again after this, he will do it again.

Book yourself an STI test.

Thoughful of him to drop this on you (& your kids) a week before Christmas. Twat.
I’ve been there and covered it up so Christmas wasn’t ruined for the DC, but my god, it was beyond awful. My advice is to make him go, don’t swallow your pain, he’s caused this situation and you need support from your friends and family.
Sending you love and strength.

I've been there, it sucks, you have all my sympathy.
My advice (a lot of which I got from here):

Tell one or two people in real life that you trust completely (family or good friends), you're going to need their support.
Don't tell the whole world just yet, allow yourself to process what's happening first.
Try to keep the kids out of things if you can, you don't want to have to deal with their upset when you're in a state yourself.

Take your time, be good to yourself, the shock takes time to subside before you can think straight.

When you feel up to it get some counselling (just you, couples counselling can come later if you decide to try to make a go of it). Relate were amazing for me.

You’re divorcing him right?

What a bastard especially now.

As everyone else says, be kind to yourself and take it easy.

But I’d be researching divorce lawyers. I used to work for one and they’re really nice and understanding.

Sandra what do you mean? Op is showing no signs of "putting up with" this behaviour or of "liking the drama"

But she doesn't have to make a decision immediately, especially just before Christmas.

Thinking of you! As others have said - I’d also be getting an STI test too. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this.

Sorry I replied to the wrong "husband had an affaire thread" 😮(very very embarrassing).

Oh no! You can have the post deleted if you like, via reporting the post, but that makes sense now!

Don't feel TOO sorry for her.
Don't be surprised if he moves in.

My DH did the same this time of year...the woman {a work colleague} actually had the cheek to come to our house and say to me ''I am NOT having an affair with your husband''
{I'd telephoned to ask}

Next week, he was living with her.

It really affected DS adversely, as divorce nearly always does.

I'm sorry, it's a horrid shock.

Just wanted to send love and solidarity. It’s utterly shit. my world blew up at the very end of August, also an affair, they are so bloody unoriginal aren’t they?

Take it one day at a time and do what’s best for you, I couldn’t have him in the house and my children didn’t want him around either (17 & 20) but that has to be your decision, will having him around help you or make everything worse?

4 months on and I’m still struggling with ‘how could he do this to us?’ I also question my own judgment, how could I not know he was so weak, cowardly and pathetic? I have no desire to ever have contact with the other woman, although he is the one who ultimately betrayed me and our family she was also responsible, she either was skanky enough to have an affair with a married man or stupid enough to believe his lies, not someone I want to share air with regardless.

My family, kids and friends have been an absolute life saver and although I wish this had never happened I’m ok, and I’m quite looking forward to my new future. I told everyone from the off, this is not my shame and I see no reason to hide it, he didn’t have an affair because of anything I did, he had an affair because of his weak character, your husband is the same, this is not on you xx

Take care xx