Well, here we are… another one

[Beachlives]

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

💐

@Beachlives there is life after divorce. I was married 20 years, life went tits up in 2016 - separated then divorced, got my life together again, met someone new and got married again on Friday. 6 years later I am 'me' I worked hard on myself, and I will never ever again accept 'less than'.

I have to say I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. My new husband is fantastic, supportive and my biggest fan.

Your update sounds very positive and I just wanted to say that you are and will continue to be OK. Sending you lots of everything good.

Simply here to wish you all the best. The hurt is going to last for a long time but you have, whether you wanted it or not, the chance to re-imagine a new future for yourself and your family - just keep dreaming about what you want and how to get there. Without wanting to underestimate what you are still going through - you seem to have managed to get your bearings very quickly.

Lovely to hear you so positive! Divorce is tough and there are definitely strong emotions but there is a happy calm space out the other side.

OP, your strength and resilience shines through.

One thing to think about regarding your children.

Boys often identify quite strongly with their dad, as their first male role model.

It is very normal for them to admire him.

Your boys may feel very complex grief at his betrayal.

By this I mean, good men do not betray their wife and children and cause such grief to their family.

So if he actually isn't a good man, what is he?

And how does that reflect on them as his sons, and what does it mean to them as his sons?

What does it mean to who they are as men and how they now view themselves?

It is important to chat to them about their feelings on this.

They are not their father.
They can make very different choices to their father.

Their father has made poor choices and that is on him 100% and does not reflect on them, and the character of men they choose to be.

Wishing you well.

Sending you love and courage, @Beachlives

I hope things are OK for you OP, I'm so impressed by your attitude that you won't take him back because if the damage that his behaviour will do to YOU. I have 2 friends who have both been put in this position by their ~shitty~ husbands and I've seen what it's done to their self esteem and it's heartbreaking in any case. But to try and make it work (they've both done it "for the kids") after such betrayal has eaten them both up in another, smaller way. Chipped away at them somehow- it makes me even more angry that they have been treated so badly. .I hope you are OK x

Thanks all, I’m ok. It’s bloody hard, I’m not going to lie. After the adrenaline of the whole thing and a couple of weeks back at work I was pretty run down. Sleeping but not restful, and that’s exhausting.

I’m in a better place now, though in some ways it feels like reconciliation could work (if we didn’t get on it would be easy, but even now we still ‘get’ each other in most ways) and he’s being really, really thoughtful and kind, but then I remember… and though I understand more about how he got to the place where he was feeling unloved and invisible (a combination of unrecognised peri/menopause impact, some shitty situations with my family and the whole Covid thing) I still cannot get to a point that I see it as anything other than the ultimate betrayal. Not just to me, but to the kids and the family unit. I can see @OgdensGoneNutFlake how it’s eaten up your friends, I’m so sorry about that.

I’m away with dd and her friend, they’re being really great, but going to a water park where most of the rides need 2 or 4 people hits unexpectedly hard 😞, particularly when they kept saying (trying to be kind) ‘oh it’s so sad… oh I feel so bad…) gotta love teenage diplomacy 🙄 eventually I told them I was fine and having a nice day but if they kept telling me how sad it was I wouldn’t.. think they got the message!

@billy1966 thank you and sorry I’ve taken a while to reply to you. You’re right, and I hadn’t really thought of it from that point of view. I had a chat with DS2 (haven’t raised it with DS1 as he’s away at uni and feels like a face to face conversation). I think he got what I was saying, I didn’t push it. He’s got A levels this year so I’m trying to keep things as calm and stable as I can for him.

I’m trying to take the time to figure out what’s best for me in my life, that’s much more difficult than I thought it would be. It’s easy to trundle along without really thinking about it, taking things a bit for granted. Now there are decisions and choices, I know what I don’t want, but it’s going to take some time to figure out what’s right for me.

interesting also how you see the people that really care about you in a situation like this. I’ve told a couple of really old friends who haven’t bothered to check on me since, and there are some people I’ve met more recently who send me random messages and invites just to check in ok. Really the complete opposite of what I thought would happen… beginning to wonder if I really know anyone like I thought I did at all (that’s half facetious, half serious).

Anyway, I’ve just realised this is a really long and probably quite boring stream of consciousness post… sorry!

Thank you again for the strength you have given me, much love and care to all, I wish I knew you irl ❤️

Hey @Beachlives, glad to see your update.

It’s rubbish when the adrenaline wears off. You’re now in a full grieving process and it won’t be linear. It’ll be up and down and a scribbly cloud of lines circling in every direction. I’d be worried if things weren’t as you’re describing, but it’s painful and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

The one thing I wanted to mention is that your husband did this because there’s something wrong with him. It’s his fault, not yours. I hope he isn’t planting the excuses in your mind because that would be extremely manipulative.

You were bending over backwards to make things work; he played along while betraying you. You literally put getting your relationship back on track front and centre until he confessed because he had to, not out of respect for you and his family.

I don’t like that your hormones from being perimenopausal have found themselves in the frame for your husband being a cheat.

Perhaps I’ve made incorrect assumptions but I thought he had an easy home life. I guessed that you, like every mum I know, carried the family through covid.

Unloved and invisible doesn’t wash with me. It sounds like he’s got the violins out rather than taking responsibility. Poor him being so neglected that he had to cheat.

I’d have more respect for him if he admitted he’s a selfish so and so and he’s going to work in his attitude towards women. Then I’d take him seriously.

Him cheating is about him, a reflection on him, his fault and blame to carry.

There’s no black and white, right or wrong, way to navigate this. The important thing is doing what’s right for you and allowing yourself the option to change your mind.

If that takes you towards a reconciliation, it’ll only work if that choice is anchored in truth. If you are manipulated into taking blame when it isn’t yours, or yourself find ways to take the blame to offset his betrayal, it will fester.

If you take him back do so accepting the truth of who he is rather than burying what this situation has exposed about him.

I think you’re starting to take the blame to make him the person you thought he was again. It’s heartbreaking but he isn’t that person.

I don’t know, it’s so tough. He certainly doesn’t deserve you.

Hang in there and let things percolate slowly. Maybe give some activities that are even better flying solo a go. Take a day off to see a good film. Take your book on an art gallery lunch date. x

It takes 2 years full to get out of PTSD this shite brings.

But reconciliation can work.

He’s just a bore that followed the script. Your relationship does not have to be a statistic. Up to you, but make your life as comfortable as can be.

Hi @BeeAFreeBird 😊. I’m definitely not shouldering any blame for his actions, and I’m very 🤔 about his phrase ‘no excuses, only reasons’… what I will say is that it wasn’t an easy ride for him. My mum died and there was a right old mess to sort out (that’s a whole other thread). H shouldered a lot of the stuff that my siblings should have, but didn’t. there was pretty much no acknowledgment from my family of this. I really struggled emotionally with what was happening. When I have stuff to deal with I go inward until I’ve sorted it out.

During Covid, due to both our jobs, which are very different, we both moved straight into 16 hour days, with kids homeschooling and dd in particular shutting down pretty much completely. And yes, I did shoulder a lot of the kid stuff on top of work. His response to DC not being cooperative was to get shouty and irritated so it was easier for me to deal with things… then he felt shut out of the parenting. Yep…

In terms of hormones, on top of the above (or as part of) I had very little energy or emotion. Sunk into a bad place and was unable to recognise or receive the love he was showing me - and he was at at that point.

None of that excuses or negates the fact that he made the decision to cheat, essentially to reboot his ego. None of it excuses the fact that he then basically refused to give me the care I needed. And yes, his decision to. cheat is absolutely on and about him and for him to carry. I genuinely feel no blame or responsibility for it. And yes, I was doing everything to try to make our relationship work while he was carrying a huge secret of betrayal.

As one of his friends said to him, you feel like that you speak to a counsellor, you don’t have an affair.

But you are also right in that I wish him to be the person he was. And he hasn’t been that person. And that breaks my heart.

@sweetsuzie I wasn’t ignoring you, just writing another very long post (too much sangria). 2 months feels like forever, I can’t believe it’s actually less than that.

He has followed the script so closely, it’s really quite depressing how predictable it is when you start looking into it.

@Jaxinthebox congratulations 🥂 sorry, I missed your post. Fabulous you’ve got through things and met someone who sees and believes in the real you 😊

*not actually 16 hour days during Covid, but felt like it, with both into response situations and not a lot of respite.

Of course it is still very hard and is a bit of a road, but you will get there.

It sounds as if you have had a very hard couple of years.

Do everything you can to mind your health, rest, and eventually you will heal.

Wishing you and your children the best.

They have a really great mum.

I honestly don’t know why men need it but it’s almost like a growing up ritual. They have to burn everything before they actually get to feel grown up.

My personal theory based on our relationship being better after the affair is that they are looking for a mother figure in their spouse. Say before we were all sweet to each other these days I have no problem letting him know to pull his weight around the house and to be thankful he’s got a chance to be a dad every day. He responds full of responsibility and respect. Honestly 100% better husband and father no driftiness. Fully awake and wanting and appreciating this life. He’s been like that for whole of past 2 yrs since. It took 2 yrs for me to stop going back through the shite but once you realise it had nothing to do with you you too will heal.

So my advice is that it shifts the relationship but not always for the worse. I don’t wish my drift dreamy husband back. He’s needed a mummy dynamic and he sure got it.

Would he do it again?

Thats largely irrelevant, truly.

The more important question is what I want for my kids and right now he’s a great dad. I don’t want to ruin my plans just because he’s been stupid. Does not have to knock me off my perch. See how you feel and no judgement in how angry you get it’s the wisdom in disentangling that fury that will be a predictor of your personal happinesses. And I wish you soooooo much luck with that, it’s easy to make mistakes when upset and angry. Give it time.

beginning to wonder if I really know anyone like I thought I did at all (that’s half facetious, half serious
I found the same thing. I think it's partly that everything seems different in this new light - through grey-tinted glasses of sadness, which might reveal some real things you didn't see before, but might also just make some OK things look like shit. And partly because there are lots of things in our lives that we haven't really thought about for years, and assume are the same, when actually things might have changed. An old friend might not be as close any more, for instance, but that doesn't mean you were never close. People do fall out of touch.
People change, and personalities are complicated. Your husband has done something stupid, but that doesn't mean you married someone who was inherently crap. You couldn't have guessed he'd do this years down the line.
I also think the experience of being betrayed made me hypervigilant for a while - afraid of hurt, I saw it everywhere. It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you're not careful.

I get that @80s , and I’m really trying to focus on finding joy in the small things. With my old friends, one in particular, I have given a lot of support to over the last year or so, and that’s why it’s so disappointing that the response was pretty much ‘what a dick, you’re better off without him ~ bye’ and not to be heard of again. Ah well.

I refuse to spend my life sad, and although more things are coming along to kick me in the teeth just when I don’t need it (not more revelations, so that’s something) I am determined to do things like have massages and facials and stuff for me which have often fallen by the wayside before because of someone else’s needs.

@sweetsuzie that’s really positive that your DH has grown up and is properly partnering you and things are good. 😊

they arent reasons either though op. if someone has these issues they want to make them better for/with the person they are with. they dont go out loooking for a shag somewhere else. sorry you just dont. that just what is was.him wanting it and going getting it.you can ever ever use any of the other excuses or see it as a reason. becasue he chose to do it. he didnt choose to tell you,talk to you,work on it.talk to a councilor. or just think what was happenign was totally unfair on him and just bloody leave. he did this against you,behind your back.to you.
he could hsve left and slept with anyone he wanted.
he hurt you in the worst way a partner can.
no reasons.
people have really really big shit enter their lives.why do they not all have sex outside marriage.
sorry it sounds really really harsh why you suffering and trying to get your head around things but affairs dont have reasons.seperations do.

Kate put that really well.

I live in a pretty horrible relationship with my H. I had the opportunity to have an affair, he was lovely, interesting, & a lot of things I was missing.
But, I didn't follow through with an affair. I decided in spite of H's failings he didn't deserve it, & if I was going to have an affair I would have to separate from H first.
I wasn't ready to make that move.

@kateandme you are right. Many people have difficult times and shit to deal with and don’t go shagging someone else to feed their own ego, no matter how they’re feeling.
I didn’t for one 🤷🏻‍♀️

What you got planned for the rest of the week and coming weekend? Have you managed to see a solicitor yet or get anything in place re him having the children so that you get a break?

You will find out who your real friends are during this shitty situation - and you will also make new ones too. Keep going, making time for you is so important.

I think you are doing bloody fantastic.

I disagree a little with Kate. The cheating had zilch to do with anything about you or what you needed or where you were at. You need to take this out of the equation.

Someone on here said that women cheat because they are looking for love, and men because they have an opportunity to do so. I honestly thing the latter is true for your bloke. That's with the OW was going to be emailing you, because she's shit deep entailed in feeling for your dude. How bloody deluded. To think he would love her enough to leave his family and wife. No man hardly ever does. Unless they get kicked out.

When it all happened this end, the situation was this: the OW was deluded and in lurve. DH (dickhead hubby) went for the opportunity. But that opportunity was some 17 years older than me, shabby, not great. And a personality of a psychopath/OCD. All I am saying, the 'opportunity' is not some fab thing that's happened to him. It's just what it is. An opportunity for some validation, sexual or other ego tickling.

I somehow see you as a gorgeous lady that looks after herself physically and emotionally and you are so balanced and almost over this crap that's played out. It's almost like observing some immature teenage tantrum. It's got nothing to do with you.

Think of what you want in your life and live it. Do you fancy OLD? It sounds pretty crappy to be fair. Step kids anyone? Yay, don't have enough chores so now you have to consider kids that are not even your own.

What he does or had done is largely irrelevant. Really. When you come to that conclusion, you will get happiness back.

Think of YOUR plan and your outings with friends, work, pets, what you want for your home.

Don't underestimate any financial gains either in staying for how long you need to achieve those. It's too easy for it to blow up and then he gets ejected into the OW arms. Don't do that. Give it some time, their special relationship will look tarnished and shit in weeks of this limbo. There is much to be gained in time. Also, when you do eject him later on, it's on your own terms. That could be truly delicious. Savour every thought and use your wisdom to suit yourself and your kids. he's largely irrelevant and he's proven that, in even shitting everything up, you remain fairly stable and calculated, weighing things.

Oh, and with you not deciding whether you are divorcing or not, imagine how that must seem to the OW...

That his commitment to her depends on your words.

Meaning he's still invested in you as your primary relationship. Delish!

Hi 5!

@Jaxinthebox I have spoken to a solicitor, basically if/when we get to that point we’ve pretty much agreed the finances so would initiate a no fault divorce and just use solicitors for the necessary paperwork. So straightforward from that perspective, obviously untangling all the other bits (phone contracts, joint account, other bits and bobs) would take some time but it’s all doable.

DC are all older they don’t need looking after per se. DD, her friend and I are on our way back from the Canaries, which was a welcome break even if not always easy, but sooooo lovely to have some sun 🌞. Tomorrow I have a haircut booked and am meeting my running group at the weekend. I’ve signed up for a slightly scary 10-miler ina a few weeks so need to get my game on!

@sweetsuzie yes it was all about his ego. OW is out of the picture, of that I’m pretty much certain. He knows that if there was even a whiff of that not being the case there would be less than zero chance of coming back from it. (And it’s pretty minuscule as it is).

I do try to look after myself physically and emotionally, and generally think I’m pretty balanced (though not sure DC would always, agree!) I’ll take gorgeous even though I’m not sure I could really claim that one 😁

It is absolutely about what I want and need now, and I do think that’ll take a bit of time to really work through. I’m looking at what I want to get involved with more where I live, to meet some new people and to do some different things. Exploring life in a slightly different way to see where that takes me.