Well, here we are… another one

[Beachlives]

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

It never does, all the best op

No, you’re right @Hawkins001, it still doesn’t really feel real. I have to keep reminding myself of the lies and manipulation and stuff that don’t feel possible to have happened. But they did, and he did them.

@Beachlives
Re going away with DD & friend in Feb - can you invite a girly friend yourself and have a great time ?

That's the thing, you get the whole cover story, all Roses singing and dancing, the marriage, the kids, and then they still could have a double life, these days you just never know who the mask wearers are so to speak.

I stayed initially hoping we'd reconcile. Gave it 2 years but that was worse than the discovery months. Each day in those years the joy of life left me, a bit more of me died, the purity of our marriage gone, the team I thought we were did not return. The feeling our marriage was invincible erased by his total betrayal. Learning they had pet names for each other, seeing the thousands of loved up texts and messages, how negative he'd been about me to her, all the lies, oh so many lies. He was a stranger. Remembering how I received nothing for birthday, anniversary or Christmas whilst he was shagging her, yet spending family money on wining and dining her, little gifts, making out I was the mad one and portraying himself as the victim and good guy to her. How could I get past all that? The intrusive thoughts, the lack of trust, the constant checking and the utter shock from my adult kids I had even accepted him back. It wasn't living cos I was slowly dying inside. Our marriage could not be stuck back together and the wound papered over never mind how much he assured me.....it had all been one huge mistake on his part that he expected me just to swallow. He was stuck in guilt and victim mode, certainly not remorse.

I woke one day, my love for him done and gone. I needed closure, to feel light again and knew it was not going to be by soldiering on, one eye policing my marriage for the rest of my days.

The weight lifted, I felt invigorated, my heart had caught up with my head.

Happiness will return one day for you too OP. You will feel like singing again, maybe not in the same way but to a different tune and that's ok. You can survive.

Respect OP for being so classy, not being a pushover and setting high standards.

I wish I had been all these things and not wasted 2 years on a man who quite frankly was just not worthy of my love, loyalty and dedication.

I honestly think this is the best and most affecting message I have ever read on Mumsnet. So eloquent and sad but ultimately life-affirming.

I don't normally re-post such long messages but that one, just below, was really worth it.

Thank you for posting @Canabelievethis, what @RenoDakota says is spot on. I’m so sorry you experienced this and it’s wonderful to hear that you have found your happiness again.

I was still being given the thoughtful (or so I thought) gifts, going out for dinner, we even went away a couple of times just the two of us. It just beggars belief. I can’t believe a word he says. It’ll always be his story to paint however he decides. But the fundamentals are indisputable.

The only part of me that wants it to work is the part that doesn’t really believe it, and I know that’s a fallacy so… the only way I can respond to the ‘I’ll do anything’ is to say go back in time and make different choices.

I will not be the person that checks up on their partner. Trust and support for independent activities (as well as together stuff) has always been so fundamentally important for me. In a relationship . His actions will not take that away.

The hardest part is waking up each morning in this new reality and remembering. I know this will change in time, I know I will get through it, but my god it’s hard right now.

There’s definitely no overt victim mode at the moment at least, but I am interested in how you distinguish between guilt and remorse modes? I can’t see it making any difference to the outcome here, I’m just interested to understand.

From my experience guilt, shame, regret cycle was all about him, what a terrible person he was, how he'd let everyone down, he retreated into himself, it was all about him. He was reactive. That stage did so much damage.

When he moved to remorse it became all about us. What could he do to be and do better. His love was action based. He was determined to show me he could be a safe partner and bent over backwards to do so. He was proactive.

No blame was ever attributed to me or our marriage by my husband, he entirely blamed his own coping strategies, selfishness, entitlement and narcissistic tendencies. I think that helped as we had what I believed was a happy marriage, lots of fun, and a wonderful life together,

My husband has hit remorse, genuinely so. I do not check his phone, I do not check up on him, I am not bitter or angry, his remorse and actions helped me heal. But it took a lot of time and consistent words followed by consistent actions.

If you really want to keep your options open and are sitting on the fence then affair recovery videos are brilliant, 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair' is a great roadmap book and I always recommend surviving infidelity forums, their regular posters are amazing.

I'm not a cheer leader for reconciliation, I'm a cheer leader for doing what ultimately makes you happy but doing it with your safety and well-being as a priority.

Thank you @Ladybugzrock that’s really helpful. Can I ask why you decided to continue with the relationship?

I guess the place I’m at is that we had a genuinely brilliant marriage, then over the past few years there have been so many traumas that the cracks began, but I always deep down believed we would eventually get through them and heal more strongly. And I never thought he would do something like this. But he has. At least, as with your situation, he hasn’t tried to put any of the blame on me.

I don’t think I’m sitting on the fence, I don’t think we have a future. He has run a train through so much that is core to me.
It would be so much easier if the good times (including recently) weren’t so damn fun.

For the next few months we will have to have regular contact, and I need to find a way of navigating that. So I think it’s going to be about focusing on what I want out of life (at 50, yikes) and getting on with that.

@Beachlives

For me it came down to what made me happier. I had to struggle through the shame of staying, the pain of learning to trust a man who had proved himself untrustworthy, the anguish of his awful shame/guilt days but I knew that ultimately the things that brought me happiness were linked to us together as a couple and as a family. He had no previous. He was and is a good man who did an absolutely awful thing. I could square that hole. I also spent time separated and that gave me some clarity.

I have read enough here and on other sites to know that reconciliation is most definitely not for everyone, and many MANY cheats aren't worth even trying. And I totally understand if it is a deal breaker for you. It's hard seeing him for who he is, deep down, I had my husband on a bloody pedestal, never again! Ultimately, your happiness should be at the centre of any decision making and working out what that means is a process. I do know the pain you're in right now, but I promise that roller coaster slows down and the lows don't go so low, time does heal!

I will add, whatever you decide 'surviving infidelity' is a great place to get advice and ongoing support, they have a great separation and divorce forum. Threads move so fast here. Even if you just need to read around it all to help you heal.

There are some really heart warming messages on this thread. Like Beachwives, I was still getting flowers, gifts etc from DH and we went on holiday and for short breaks together. Which made it all so tough when I found out. He even sent me flowers on the same day he sent her some. But the perfume, necklace and loving messages I was not treated to, nor the michelin star lunch. So much took place so close to home and my DD's school and he was talking to her regularly when we were on our family holiday in the summer. So much doesn't add up but I have not been as brave as @Beachlives and am biding my time and still doing the checking up and waiting.....I want to know what happened, the truth but I know it won't be provided to me.

@Helena22 I don’t think it’s about being brave, I just think it’s about the place that you’re at. And whatever place that is is ok As long as you focus on doing right by you.

It’s so hard to work out what to do - my head and heart are still in conflict. The turmoil paranoia and trauma don’t disappear overnight and the breakdown of a family (even with older kids) is not what I was expecting as I turned 50.

@Canabelievethis what a very moving post. I've stayed married as in my case I found out 10 years after what was an emotional affair so it seems. This was 6 years ago when I found out I have to admit though your post totally struck a chord- you are right and to quote Carole King- something inside has died and I've tried but I just can't fake it.

It actually warms my heart to know there are some guinuinely kind people in the world supporting one another through grief.

Take that moment to see that it was not your fault that you met with people who were unkind, unthoughful, abusive, evil in some cases. There is something in these posts that stops you from being harmful to others, humane and decent.
Good people who were hurt and keep getting hurt, you all know your truths, whether you decided (some don't actually have that luxury) to stay or go, may they never take your belief in yourself.
That you were peaceful and kind hearted and loving against all odds, don't ever let them distort that view of yourself.

I hope you all recover as best you can.

@Helena22 I get how you feel (including the potential break up of the family at 50…). I’m beginning to see why everyone has advised to sit on it for a while. I saw H yesterday and in some ways it would be really easy to just try to put things behind us, it’s not like we don’t get on… but then I remember, and the anger and disgust returns and I just can’t see how, irrespective of his remorse/regret (not quite fathomed which yet), I could really get past it. It’s still early days though, making it clear he needed to move out (which he has) has really helped me already, even if just to have space to feel my emotions without him around. Being back at work and having other things to focus on is also a good thing.

@Ladybugzrock Im truly glad things have worked out and I hope you no longer feel shame in staying in your marriage. The one thing I am really clear on is that it’s not our shame, it’s theirs. And if on the very minuscule chance that we do reconcile, I will own that decision, and pay no mind if people judge. I have had a look at the websites suggested and will continue to read more over time, thank you.

@Takeamoment it is indeed heartening that despite the circumstances, and not knowing each other, people are willing to share their stories and their support. You’re post lifted me in an unexpected way 😊

@Beachlives

To put it simply, remorse says, “Forgive me for hurting you," while guilt or regret says, “Stop making me feel guilty for hurting you.” "Regret often seems flat, emotionless, and is more focused on moving on and getting the “punishment” over with,"
I wish you well. My youngest son said something to me that has always stuck, that because I tried to reconcile without without making H understand there were consequences for actions of this severity, I made it too easy so he never 'got it' - basically do not be too quick to forget and forgive IF you decide to ultimately reconcile.

@Helena22 all the checking and policing will eat away and destroy you (I speak from experience). If he's not leaning in to you, bringing emotion, warmth, safety, laughter and authenticity back to your relationship the affair may not be over or he's still in limerence, especially if he still works with OW. Guard your heart and stay strong. It is true, the body keeps the score.

@Ladybugzrock respect for taking a chance and having the courage to stay and work it through. You were lucky to get true remorse. So many think it is the default option of a downtrodden wife, which couldn't be further from the truth. I enjoy your comments on the infidelity posts. Helping others to see there is sometimes light at the end of the tunnel.

@Takeamoment

Lovely words ❤️

@Helena22 it will eat you up, I spent a good few years doing this and it affected my mental state quite badly and I used wine to numb it all out which wasn't a wise choice! The amount of lies I was told was something I just couldn't get past. Whilst away on holiday with his OW my not so dear husband decided not to speak to the kids that weekend because he was too sick with a sore throat - he was in Dubai living his best life. We were due to spend his 50th birthday with him (he was working overseas) he changed that plan 3 months beforehand (around the time he moved in with his OW into their swanky penthouse apartment.. he had a big party and then flew off on another holiday with her .. ghosted me all week claiming to be on a factory visit in Italy. The things I found out chipped away at me bit by bit - don't do that to yourself. Oh and I'm now a single parent aged 50 building a new life for me and my children. Did I ever think that's where my whirlwind marriage would lead me.. heck no!

Keep sitting back and feeling those feels OP , just like you've said one minute your thinking 'we get on well' then there's a rush of hateful thoughts.. the lies, deceit! I was on that rollercoaster for quite a while, ultimately I had to stop the ride and admit I just couldn't get past how someone who supposedly loved me could hurt me so much. I've been left with massive trust issues sadly. It's good that he's left the house, distance yourself and get back into your work routine, no pressure to make any decisions until YOU are ready. You didn't do this he did, take all the time you need.

@Beachlives YY to the need for space and time to think and feel, take as long as you need, and then some more. Your H has thrown the family into free fall and he must wait until you decide how to land, not as punishment, as richly deserved as that would be, but because either option will be challenging - and inevitably you’ll be the one seeing those challenges through.

The familiarity that says you could put it behind you is deceiving, because in reality everything has changed…and in many ways his contrition or otherwise is irrelevant, it’s your feelings that will make this work, whatever you decide.

It’s also good NOT to think or feel as you say, and deal with ordinary things, so just roll with it until you’re ready, whenever that may be.

Hi op - I have just read all of your posts and just wanted to add my support.

I went through similar 5 years ago. I discovered his affair with someone at work (it was still going on) a few days after Xmas. I spent that Xmas broken inside and trying to but on a brave, happy face for our dc as he had just told me he was "unhappy but didn't know why" after I got fed up of his recent moodiness and confronted him about it. His behaviour was down to the guilt and stress of having an affair yet he still didn't tell me the truth when I gave him a perfect opportunity.

We were similar to you I guess - together for over 20 years, our whole lives entwined and a marriage/family that people admired. Just took a younger woman giving him some attention and flattering his mid life ego to shatter it all.

I can't believe it's been 5 years to be honest. We divorced last year, I bought him out of the family home, we co-parent really well and I am in another relationship (his relationship with the other woman inevitably ended, as did the one after that).

I won't lie, it has been hard. Really fucking hard. I loved him with everything I had and never saw this in my future. But I also knew he had broken something that could never be fixed and I wasn't prepared to half live my life and be a consolation prize.

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you x

Staying destroyed my family member.
Everything she touched.remember.experienced from the affair time she realised was a lie.him coming home.sitting across from her.lie.
Going on holiday.cooking.watching a box set together it all just curdled her stomach because non of it could have been true.you can't be happy have fun.because in another house was the woman he was shagging.
It made every single thing in their lives.all the good stuff just a lie.
And it eroded her.even forgiving and carrying on.plauing the family script.havimh fun.holidays.family life. It just couldn t be the same.she was just too pained and one day had a breakdown.realising how playing this part had just broken her.hed hurt her too much and she hasn't walked away.and she just didn't no why. The man the life she thought they'd lived could never have been true.
She's good now.a weight she never realised she had has lifted.she doesn't question her every day anymore.shes not tired or a coiled spring waiting to be hurt again.
It was NOT easy but she deff better now.
Co parents.
And her kids are great.honestlt.
I get the waiting.giving yourself time.
But that eventually leads to just sinking in no man's land.or moving on without meaning to or healing.

I think that’s the thing, even if he is remorseful I’m not sure that’s enough. I’m not prepared to live a life tainted by his actions.

I’m watching and listening very carefully and seems to be somewhere in between regret and remorse.

we have to interact on a number of levels at the moment, not just DC, and so for me the ‘sitting on it’ is partly so that I can get through the next few months in a civilised way. I rarely explode properly but when I do I really go… and I don’t think that would be helpful for me in this situation.

From a sociological perspective it’s sad that so many men (I know it’s not just men but that’s more of what I’m hearing) get to the age of 40-50 and risk everything for the sake of their egos 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, I’ve got a (relatively simple) list of things I’ve never done before that I’m going to do over the coming months, and really focus on my own renewal.

Viva the strong and amazing womenfolk!! 💪💪