Well, here we are… another one

[Beachlives]

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

You are an amazing solid rock for your children and showing them what dignity and grace and courage are. Remember to look after yourself as well though. STI test will give you peace of mind that your health hasn't been compromised. Seeing a really good solicitor will let you know where you stand in terms of divorce proceedings and a clean break order to protect your finances. I would also speak to your bank to protect any joint accounts you hold and make sure he doesn't have access to accounts that are in your name only. Might be an idea to put together a complete picture of your finances I.e mortgage / debts and any monetary assets/ pensions etc and make sure you have the important documents handy like your marriage certificate. You might also consider applying for child maintenance. I know this is a lot to take on board. Your are doing brilliantly so far by putting yourself and the children first and showing him that infidelity is a red line that you won't put up with.

I sympathise with the OP and will write separately. But couldn't get past this. What do people mean when they call a man a derogatory term for women? In this case, the man has messed uo and deserves to be called out. However, I'm genuinely confused when the C word is used. Never ok to use it on a woman, but I'm doubly confounded when used on a man. Or maybe I should assume the writer is a man and might make better sense???

So sorry, OP. It must be devastating. Sending warm hugs and good energy. I have no advice, but I hope you find a resolution that makes you happy.

Awful timing… there is never a good time to learn such news. But it’s obviously more poignant at Christmas. So sorry OP.

I have little to add, OP, it has all been said by others. I have been there and it blows your life apart. You feel the ground shift under your feet, and the person you thought you knew best in the world is a remote stranger. I'm sending you moral support and good thoughts for you and your children.

@Ladybugzrock thanks you make a good point, I am aware that this might well hit me in different ways over the coming time. I feel like I have gone though all the stages of grief in a week, I’ve cried, I’ve screamed into the wind (and into my pillow), I’ve been cool headed and really angry. I think part of me is still in denial. It’s a very difficult thing to get my head around the reality of. I’m trying to balance being kind to myself with getting on with stuff and keeping productive.

He is very contrite, hugely sorry, loves us all immensely, can’t believe what he’s done… in some ways it would be easy to just accept that and believe it, but words are easy and his actions show otherwise. I’ve told him it’s not my shame, it’s his. And whatever happens I’m not protecting him on this.

@Puzzledandpissedoff yes, it will be interesting (not sure whether I am interested or not, but even from a purely neutral perspective) whether ‘the stranger’ or I am expected to shoulder responsibility over time. I expect this to be the case.

It’s so sad and disappointing to hear that this has happened to so many of you. Your individual and collective strength, and the happiness of people who have come through the other side is huge.

Thank you again for all your thoughts and support, Ive got a couple of nights out with friends over the next few days so intend to glam myself up, have a few drinks and laugh a lot. 🍷🥂🍹

And thank you, yes, my kids are amazing, open, resilient and caring (as well as all the annoying things that teenagers/young adults are) I hope they continue to be this way (caring, not so much annoying) throughout their lives.
I’m so proud of them and thankful to have them 😊😊

I'm so sorry Beach. I've been trying to reply to you for days, but it keeps crashing when I do.

I'll keep it short and if it posts I'll try again, but you are bloody amazing!

OP you are fantastic your resilience has been amazing hugs and well done.

Your H has just lost one hell of a woman - you are incredible! What a foolish man he is.

You go out and have a great time with your friends.. all of this will wait ❤️

I asked my husband to leave after years of emotional abuse, so it’s not quite the same but what feels the same is the tumbling from one emotional state to another.

After the initial shock and its adrenaline have worn off, use your anger to get you through…it can help you achieve a lot, and then when weary exhausted days come you can just give in to them…and then once you have a solicitor their work starts to set the pace as well, so you’re not having to push it all forward yourself.

You’re doing great but don’t take our adulation as a badge you have to live up to, just get through it the best you can, one day at a time, and with the least damage possible to you and the kids.

Here’s hoping 2023 is a better year for all of us xx

@Lavenderfowl it’s fantastic that you found the strength to tell your H to go. I hope you’re doing well now and are able to live your life your way.

The supportive messages are lovely and give me strength, but in reality I’m just a perfectly normal woman dealing with a thing so many have experienced, and really shouldn’t have to.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post, 6 months ago I would have fallen apart completely, but over recent months I’ve had counselling, recognised some things that were weighing me down (H issues aside) refound (not sure that’s a word, but it feels the right way to express it) the me that had been quite hidden, and to feel joy in life again. This situation is not going to change that.

I truly don’t feel pressure to keep up a positive persona - I know you guys, and my people around me here, have got me when I crash.

Thank you x

I'm so sorry @Beachlives reading through this has brought back some of my own past trauma - that sounds dramatic that word but that's what it was. Some very wise MN said at the time - sit with your feelings do nothing until your ready. I did just that.. sadly the 2nd wave revelations were 4 months later and far far worse. I was warned at the time there would be more and how hard that would be to take in. So my advice is the same to you. Absorb this for now and don't be pushed into making any decisions, give yourself time and ride those waves of emotions. I doubt you'll ever get the full story and following the script (like they all seem to) you'll get the watered down version at best. The lies .. that's what I couldn't get past! Be gentle with yourself, your got some good support here, much love x

@Beachlives so sorry to read all of what you are going through. @rockingbird makes some really salient comments. I am still in the watching and waiting phase, not wanting to make any snap decisions following discovery of my DH's affair with a work colleague that lasted 2 years +. I found out at the end of August, just before taking my two older kids to uni and my mental health took a huge nose dive. I am still living through the trauma - have found out more and believe he's still in touch with the OW. But need to get myself stronger. Finding out more has been tough but personally I needed to know (and still do) what actually happened. I know I will never find everything out but somehow getting more detail has aided my understanding and my movement through the grief, shock and anger. I remain vulnerable, am on anti-depressants and meds for my anxiety but have survived christmas. There is no right or wrong way to deal with what is a life-changing experience but trust yourself, let yourself cry and scream and talk to friends......you will get through this and find your happiness again.

Thanks both. It is a rollercoaster of emotions isn’t it.
Yesterday I was really calm, went to the gym, sorted some stuff around the house and went out for a couple of drinks. Genuinely felt like things would be ok.

Today has been a difficult day. I want to punch both of them in the face. Hard. Very hard. I’ve snapped at poor dd for no reason and I cannot motivate myself to do much at all. I know I’m the sort of person that does not benefit from too much wallowing, so have booked a gym class for tomorrow morning to kick start the day better.

it’s things like going away in Feb, we had promised dd she could bring a friend. I hate the thought of just me and them. I’d quite happily go by myself somewhere but just the dynamics of me, dd and dd’s friend does not fill me with excitement.

I know some of what happened (I think…) I’m trying to decide how much more I want/need to know and what the point is of finding X out.

I’m pretty certain he still has feelings for her. And that hurts. And some silly things that I had told him I needed (eg hand holding, hugs etc) he shut me down on over the past year, he has admitted he gave to her. That makes me cry.

He says he’s now being completely honest with me but how can I believe a word out of his mouth. I’ve said to him he’s following a sad, pathetic script and I expect the blame, reticence etc to follow in time if we don’t reconcile (he says he’ll do anything to work things out, loves us all, will prove he can be trusted 🤔🙄… I’m just sitting on things as has been suggested).

Im a person of action, so not making immediate decisions is hard for me, but I am listening to you guys and taking my time.

I am so angry and so, so hurt. He let me down in the worst way when I needed him most.

It’s harder because I’m off work and there’s no routine at the moment. Next week will be better.

@Beachlives your situation sounds very similar to mine albeit I am a few months further down the line. I discovered just before Christmas that he was phoning and texting her when we were out for a family meal. The excuse he gave was utterly unconvincing. He said he's tried to delete her contact info from his phone but that it keeps popping up. Like that ever happens. Anyway, like you I yo-yo between being fine some days and utterly despondent and miserable others. I have contemplated contacting the OW and have researched her online....I found his bank account statements (he's now asked for them to just be online so I can't see any more) and phone records (he'll more than likely be contacting her on his work mobile instead). He is still having contact with her at work from time to time and although he's moving jobs, she has links with the new place he is going to. So no fresh start as I'd hoped. I hope that you are able to draw strength - just don't be too harsh on yourself. I spent many hours blaming myself for his selfish behaviour and believing what he said about it not being real etc. But that just doesn't add up when I've seen loving messages to her from him. Its just devastating - we are all here for you and please keep talking.

Oh, OP.
My heart really does hurt for you.
Everything aside, I think what would hurt me the most is that he's admitted to giving those little moments of intimacy, those moments that you really needed, the hugs, the hand holds, to someone else. You're a stronger person than me, I think that would hurt the most.
I honestly wouldn't be able to find a way back from it x

@VariantHela exactly that. The intimate, caring things, they hurt the most..
That, and when I needed him to be strong for me, the one and only time in our marriage when I really, really needed him to be there, slowly and patiently coaxing me out of the black place I was in; which is what he should have done, he wasn’t there for me. He ran away to someone else, and through his guilt and his self absorption he made it much more difficult for me.

Eventually I got there, out of that sad place in spite of him, which is why I feel strong now. Whilst I am taking time, and there are reasons aside from DC that we will need to interact (probably more often than I’d ideally like) I honestly don’t see a way forward with him, and I really don’t think I want to.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Stay strong and keep on talking about it with friends and family.
What a dickhead!. He never would have told you if she wasn't threatening to. Which shows he's not sorry at all. I always think once is bad enough but mistakes happen. For him to look you and your kids in the eye for a year knowing what he was doing ! Just no respect for you or your marriage at all.
The woman Is also a piece of shit. Threatening to hurt you and so close to Christmas knowing she would also be ruining your children's Christmas. No decent woman would ever do this to another.

Routine definitely helps. You're doing well OP. It's an awful shock and a huge betrayal-you are bound to be up and down

Well you got there once already without him… you’ve already proven to yourself he’s as useful as a chocolate fireplace guard. You’re the strong one, even if you don’t feel it at the time - you actually KNOW what you’re feeling.

It’s never straightforward and the marriage/relationship will never be the same again. Do you and him want to try again, do you think trust can be regained? I’m not convinced it can in my case but there are other MNs who have stayed and rebuilt. Yes it’s the intimacy and the care shown to the OW that hurts the most. My DH claims there was nothing physical going on but I don’t believe him. Actually it’s the emotional stuff that’s worse IMO.

take care of yourself mentally and physically and don’t be afraid to ask for help

Yes honest because he was caught.hes got no other options now
He can't gain trust back sorry.whst he did was an exhaustive lengthy period of smashing trust to pieces.that long.that many lies.he new what he was doing.he new what you were going through.he didn't care.he wanted his needs serviced.

Could you take a friend with you away.
A relative?
I wouldn't worry.try to just see it as n adventure.everythi g seems too much or too.weird or not bearable.but I don't think you'll come up short in the holiday.i think you'll manage fabulously and it will be such a peace for you.your thoughts are putting problems to everythi g at the moment to try and cocoon,predict and protect.try not to let it spiral.
It's time to start carving out new pathways,new ways of doing things.what it's it's rather great.

How are you doing OP?

I’m ok thanks. Weirdly last night was more difficult than Christmas Day, not that we had huge NYEs, but it’s the first one we’ve spent apart since we met.

Got myself up and out this morning with a group I run with so that was good. And set me up well for the day. It’s definitely good for my mental health to get up and exercise, so will be doing more of that (honest).

Haven’t seen him since Boxing Day and have had minimal contact which makes things easier to deal with. Im deliberately trying not to think about the big stuff yet, that’s a bit too overwhelming. Just making myself a list of things to do over a few days each time and tackling them gradually.

Theres just so much betrayal, and lies, and deception. I am a fairly open book and cannot fathom how anyone can live like that. It amazes me (not in a good way) how many people obviously do.