Well, here we are… another one

[Beachlives]

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

OP i am aware i have nothing of use to add to this thread but I couldn't not say how utterly wonderful you and your children come across in all this, i can only hope if i am ever in your position i handle it with the emotional maturity that you have. Hats off to you and wishing you every happiness in the future however that comes into your life.

’it’s the active disrespect that is really making me angry, that and the fact that we’ve made a few significant decisions over the past few months, and I may well have made different ones had I known.’

This comment is very telling and another thing driving your anger OP. It’s so important for those tasked with keeping the family afloat are able to rely on having accurate info and full disclosure to make all the various decisions.

My DSis took some really big financial decisions which had long term implications just before her shit of a ‘D’H left her for OW. If he’d let her know the marriage was in trouble when those decisions were required she would have done things very differently. There’s lots I can’t forgive him for but that tops my list.

@QueenCoconut - indeed . I've been on both sides of the coin and in my first marriage in my 20's I was the one who cheated- however I wasn't very happy in my marriage at all. I was flattered and the guy wasn't married.

OP I have only just seen this thread and just wanted to say that you sound so strong (and understandably angered) and your teenage children sound incredible .....I'm not sure if this has been said before on this thread but I've read before that when this happens it sends you into a type of mourning - mourning for the relationship you had (albeit tough at times) and mourning for the future life you were planning. So expect to go through those stages but stay as strong as you are. Pinching one of your lines 'Viva the strong and amazing womenfolk!! 💪💪' xxx

If your relationship is that bad that you are looking elsewhere for something at least have the guts to front up about it before you actually do anything. I mean, how bloody cowardly.

@Beachlives

I'm not so sure it's always simple cowardice.

I think in a lot of situations the cheater has a 'cushy' home life that they just don't want to give up. They usually have better financial security, and 'home comforts' like housework, gardening, meals, DIY, childcare, and the myriad other things it takes to run a home, all taken care of by the unaware spouse. Not to mention sex with their partner when the AP (affair partner) isn't available. They know that if they leave they'll have to do all that for themselves, or pay to have it done. AND it may be that they really don't want to jump right in to another relationship. Staying in the marriage gives them the perfect excuse to not have to 'commit' to their AP.

I think that's why a lot of them beg and cry to continue their marriages after they get caught. They're not truly remorseful. They just don't want to give up their cushy 'family' life.

Sadly, I agree with this.

I agree too....@Beachlives how are you doing?

@AcrossthePond55 yes I can see that. It’s just so selfish. The irony of this situation is that he always (even before this) told me I was too trusting of people. I’m going to let this change that part of me, but I am thrown at how I could have got him so wrong.

I’m doing ok thanks @Helena22 , how are things with you?

Good days and bad (and often both) here. Being back at work helps.
I’m seeing a counsellor next week and a solicitor, so those are steps forwards. I’m taking my time but don’t want to live in limbo for too long.

DCs are doing ok too, they are back into routine that helps for them. There has been the occasional blow out but not too bad all things considered. DC1 going back to uni will be a bit of a wrench, but life goes on.

That should say I’m NOT going to let it change me. Not a Freudian slip, just a typo, honest!

For people on this thread equally bewildered and repulsed by people who cheat... An article from Scientific American from May 2021 - it's only 500 people from a US university so I'd wonder about how skewed the data is by done if the demographics - age, occupation, income, etc - I'd have to track down the published paper and look into that.. But some of the results are far from what I might have guessed. Interesting though.

www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-people-in-relationships-cheat/

Well, TBH I was always very trusting, took people at face value and there have been times it's caused me pain or I've been so disappointed. But as I've gotten older I have come to realize that a bit of 'reserve' isn't always a bad thing.

So, on one hand, no, you don't want to become completely distrustful or closed off. But on the other hand, as you enter your new life, perhaps just a teeny bit of letting others prove themselves to you first or, and this was my big problem, not ignoring red flags and simply assuming that you must be wrong when something is 'not quite right'. We are conditioned to be 'nice' and 'not think bad things' about others. A little of that is fine, but not enough that we give up our objectivity.

That’s a fair point, my initial position on people is one of trust - maybe trust with caution is a better way to go.

And you’re also right, my natural way is to quash the ‘something’s off’. I’ve learned (the hard way) that this is not the best way from a work perspective, time I look at applying that approach outside work too.
Makes me a bit sad though that I have to 😕

Yes, it makes me sad too. It sort of feels against my nature. But in the long run I'm happier for having some small 'boundaries'. I think the relationships I've formed are better for it though, that there is more respect on both sides. They have earned my respect by showing themselves to be honest and that 'who they show is who they are'. And I have earned their respect by valuing myself enough to want 'true' people around me.

On this site I probably come across as totally untrusting and suspicious, seeing an affair in everything, but I'm not like that with my partner. He is still in touch with several ex-gfs as part of an extended group of friends, and we live apart so he could easily have a handful of other women behind my back if he so desired. He finds it amazing that I was with my exh for more than 20 years; he's never been with someone half that long. So I can't say I expect him to be loyal to me for ever and ever. But I don't feel any need to check up on him or worry about what he might be doing. If he started doing the script, my ears would prick up. But not because of mistrust and jealousy over another woman. Because the script involves treating your partner poorly, and I don't want a partner who treats me poorly. As long as he treats me well, I'm happy.

We are conditioned to be 'nice' and 'not think bad things' about others.
That's how I used to see it, I think; that having an affair is what bad people do, so the whole subject was taboo/unthinkable somehow. Now I can imagine my partner having an affair, and just think that if he did show signs of treating me disrespectfully, then I'd dump him. I don't want a partner who treats me poorly. It would be sad but not the end of the world. I feel more relaxed about it now than before my exh's affair!

Sorry to here that OP, I'm laying in bed trying to do the same. I came on to make a thread asking 'what do I do now?' sorry to hijack yours :(

The absolute betrayal of knowing that when I was at rock bottom with grief and stress, he was writing erotic poetry to the office junior.

Anyway I will get my own thread, fuck them both OP we deserve so much better.

@Hesanuttercunt no apology needed and it’s totally not hijacking. Please share what you want to and hopefully people here can help in a small way. I found posting here absolutely invaluable in the first couple of weeks and the sage advice has helped me form my actions.

One step at a time and in your own time is the most important thing. I hope you’re as ok as you can be 🤗

@80s makes a good point. It’s not just the action of an affair, it’s all the things around it. When I look back I still can’t see any particular flags that this was going to happen, but there were enough other things not right… guess that’s reflecting the discussion with @AcrossthePond55, if anything I should have been clearer on smaller boundaries rather than focusing on the big red lines (one of which was stamped all over anyway).

Don't lingertoo long op.both for your own wellbeing and for the fact you have said you are trusting
in my experience once departing your dhwill turn into some one else you don't recognise.one who will go for everything they can get. So behind the scenes this is often what they are doing.dont think he's sitting there waiting for you t to stay or go.he will be on this test to snap his own papers in front of you.and it's blindsiding to f* when they do it but they always do.

Looking for some advice, not sure if I'm going insane! Husband recently employed a new assistant manager.... A very attractive 20 something complete with big fake lips and a face botoxed to within an inch of its life.
A little background. Husband has gotten a little too friendly with 2 colleagues in the past. One, single lady, whereby she clearly flirted in messages sending him sultry selfies and that malarkey, he didn't take the bait but didn't rebuff. Called him out when they had dinner together at a work event, alone despite dozens of colleagues there. Took a long time, and lots of fighting for him to admit that it was inappropriate. The other lady, married, but almost daily calls, working in different areas of company now, so no need for such consistent contact, which has dwindled significantly lately, going from at least one call a day, to one in the past month. He would always refer to her in her full name when she'd come up in conversation between us, as if distancing himself from the actual closeness of their friendship. Had lunch on the quiet with her one day while away with work, but told me he had lunch with a male colleague, but u just knew he was lying, so checked work phone when he came home, and there it was a message from her saying lunch together at 1,and where to meet. Called him out on it, insisted he lied because he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. Like really 🙄 Strange, or not strange??
Anyway, so here we are now, he employed this young one, whom loves to have her tits out, and I mean out out on display. The first day I went into his work place, I was greeted by her boobs literally out for all to see. Husbands face fell when he saw me, and said oh I must speak to her about her dress code....4 hours into the work day, seriously clear to me he wasn't going to say anything until I showed up and my face clearly said it all. So anyway, I explained I'm not overly comfortable with him being in a position every day whereby she could be walking around with her tits hanging out, and him of course having a good look. Also, asked him if he found her attractive, he replied ya she's a good looking girl. Didn't even flinch. I almost got sick. Why, given the stuff in the past would he choose to employ someone who could prove tempting. Am I being ridiculous here, because if I am please don't hold back

Jlk37 you should start your own thread

Jlk37 - your husband is a horrible sleaze. Clearly he uses his position at work to employ & come on to women he likes the look of. Read your post back to yourself - you know what's going on, don't you? Get out before one brings a case against him.

I can’t believe it’s only been a month since my world was turned on it’s head. h has moved out, he still wants to reconcile and is outwardly remorseful (who knows what the reality is) but As @Lavenderfowl said a while ago, I’m pretty certain Im clear on the way this is going to go, and it’s not that way.

I’ve seen a solicitor, and am clear on that side of things, and started seeing a different counsellor (wanted someone face to face and a woman), she seems great and I’m recognising more about possible reasons why I have put up with stuff in the past. As someone upthread (sorry, can’t remember who) said, a genuinely good relationship makes you feel strong and supported, not having to be strong to survive it.

Still have good days and bad, but I guess that’s not surprising. DC are doing well. I think the hardest thing for me is accepting that the future I thought I’d have is no more. But that’s ok, although it’s scary, really didn’t think I’d be in this position at 50, I have a good career, a small number of awesome friends, and enough about me to go out into the big wide world and see what happens.

I’m really pleased I moved the thread to somewhere I can read it when I need to. I’ll update from time to time as it’s pretty therapeutic for me, but I would like to say a massive thanks to everyone who supported me, especially in the first couple of horrendous weeks.

Your advice, shared experiences and kind words have meant the world 💐💐

Glad to hear that you are getting a clearer perspective on it - a good counsellor is worth her weight in gold. I'm a good few years down the line and yes, for me, too, it was having to say goodbye to my "old future" that has taken the longest. But it's been an interesting journey.

@Beachlives I'm glad to hear that you have a new (better by the sounds of it) Counsellor who is helping you to move forward. You sound much more positive in your recent post. It will take time and you are bound to have some bad days but I'm positive you'll get there. I wish you and your DC all the very best

@Beachlives

You are a wonderfully strong woman who has her head screwed on right. You've done all the right things. All you need now is time to process and move ahead, at your own pace.

I know 'congratulations' probably isn't really the right word to use during a marriage breakup, but congratulations anyway on the way you've handled this.

Great to read your update @Beachlives I know it’s been a lot but you’re really so capable and steady. It’s been refreshing and warming to share a little bit of the journey with you. Look forward to future updates - I have a feeling life is going to get sunnier for you, even if there are a few showers in the meantime. x