I really need some objective advice re dd

[stillvicarinatutu]

I'm going to give the back story so no drip feed .

My dd is 25 , and I have a ds , 31.

My dh and I married at 19 and I left him when I was 42.

I had done everything at home , ds had meningitis and later dx with autism , I did 8 weeks alone in hospital, all the medical appointments, all the home admin , childcare, if the kids were ill it was my job to sort , I worked part time too. Dh worked ridiculously unsocial hours and I spent every single night of the marriage alone . Sex was shit and he has ED .

I left him at 42 , my ds had left home , my dd had started university. I was attracted to a man I worked with, but I wouldn't have an affair , I left in January. I started seeing someone else in March. By this time I had battled to get a full time job that paid because dh earned a pittance. I was the breadwinner and had been for 4 years.

I have no doubt this affected dd deeply although at the time I wasn't thinking straight - I was menopausal, restless, bored and sick of everything.

She dropped uni a year later and went home to her dad and the marital home. I was renting .

She was and is angry with me . I got pg with the man I was seeing at 44, dd seemed excited, but the baby had a fatal chromosome disorder and I terminated mid term which was really hard . My then partner was shit and no support. We weren't living together. We stayed together a short time and lived together for a while but he was increasingly abusive and I left .

I've lived alone for 3.5 years.
The problem is my relationship with dd. It's broken . We were extremely close - now it's strained.

She complains to her father that I don't do enough to see her .
Yet if I try , she's busy , if I say can I call , she's busy , if I ask to meet up , she's busy .

The guilt I felt from leaving means I did nothing about divorce or finances . Dd says since I left , I shouldn't get anything. Her father agrees. I paid 21 years of a mortgage, and I've paid 50k of debt off - mine and dhs- it's taken me 6 years. We had separate IVA and I paid both . (He couldn't afford it- I could )
This means he has stayed in the marital home .
He is now seeing another woman - fine - he is 56 and so is she , no plans to live together or marry etc .
I've now said it's time to divorce and sort finances . He's blown up at me - I left - I should have nothing . That's how he feels , and how my kids feel.
I've said I will not force a sale or make him homeless.
I'm looking at alternative solutions including me buying a park home on retirement so he can keep the house . As long as I aren't renting after retirement- I'm happy . I am currently renting .

I've become great friends with my neighbour and we do a lot for each other . We are spending Xmas day together, and going halves on dinner . She's goi g to be alone with her dd who is autistic, I'd be alone , her dd has asked if I can be there and since me and her mum get together every week anyway , for food and wine , we go out for the occasional drink, go shopping together, stuff mates do ! It's lovely . Her dad has virtually adopted me too ! It's nice .

Dd and ds are with their dad for Xmas day - so they were coming to me Boxing Day .

I've got their presents here to give them then .
Dd wanted a second Xmas dinner . That would be quite expensive and my lovely neighbour and friend suggested we do a big shop , go halves , and do a lovely Boxing Day buffet and have it at hers .

So I text dd asking what she thought.

Text back is horrible. Basically dd is saying "we wanted to see you since you never bother , I do t want to see your friend she isn't part of my life , so just forget it we will just come for an hour in the afternoon. "

I've text back - it was just a suggestion- no problem- we do t have to do that , we can stick to Xmas dinner here etc .

No reply then a curt reply saying stop texting me, I have a life you know , I'm out with (boyfriends parents ) .

I text back - are you free for a call later ?

Nothing back .

Her Xmas list consisted of expensive ugg slippers , she's buying a house so I got her a kettle and toaster, towels, personalised photo frame and Xmas bauble , stuff for her car , I've
Got her boyfriend a brew dog gift set , something for his car ,

I've got ds a silver key ring and a luxury travel wallet, and I'll be getting him some other bits this week .

He can't take much back to Asia with him where he lives . He doesn't carry luggage .

I live alone, I barely make ends meet . I've 2 more payments on dh iva then it's done , and 9 more on mine . I've not had my hair done in over a year , I've not my car serviced for 4 years, I shop at Aldi, -
And yet - I'm still the villain . I can buy the uggs etc , but when I dared suggest Boxing Day buffet with neighbour you'd think I'd suggested selling dds first born to the devil himself .
Now it appears she isnt even speaking to me.

I do not know how to heal this.
My own relationship with my mother is NC and has been for 25 years. I do t want that for me and dd - yet I cannot win . Everything I say , everything I suggest, is met with anger. I suggested counselling- nope.
Her dad is the bees knees of course .

Neither of the kids checked on me recently when I had pneumonia. Dd said she thought I was making it up. An ambulance was sent and I was on a nebuliser. They wouldn't come look after my dogs so I could go to hospital.

What the fuck do I do now ? I hate this . I'm constantly apologising. I'm constantly trying . I've asked her what she wants .
She seems to hate me .
I tried to speak with ds about the house etc and he went straight back to his dad and told him - then he said he does t want to be involved- fair enough.

But I cannot win . The only thing that would satisfy them all is if I go away , ask for nothing out of the house , give everything away , go quietly, rent for life , spend my pension on rent and then claim benefits (this is dh"s suggestion when I asked how I rent after retirement. )

I haven't done anything. I've asked nothing. And they are acting like this now - if I do press for some equity I dread to think what happens then . They barely tolerate me now .

I do not know what to do.

Have you thought of going through mediation? This helped greatly with my divorce/ sorting finances and is cost less than solicitors.
Once you have the finances sorted you can apply for a divorce online- again a fraction of what it would cost using a solicitor.

Maze - what do I do to get mediation?

I always thought we'd just either get back together or do everything ourselves because we are both reasonable people- this is all a bit of a blind side .

How do I organise mediation?

You need to stop being led by guilt and grow a pair. No wonder people walk all over you. It works!.Get a copy of the marriage certificate reissued. Divorce him. Force the sale. Send copies of what you’ve paid to the kids. I bet he’s been telling whoppers.

You need to stop punishing yourself !!! Please please don't give up what you're entitled to, my mum did this and it didn't help anything she was just punishing herself. Your daughter is old enough to move on from this and is treating you really badly, happy to ask for ugg boots but talks to you like shit, she sounds like a spoilt teenager of divorced parents for a grown adult

I've never been bothered about money of what's whose . All I want is to not be renting in 9 years when I hit retirement. That's it .

In every house I've ever had I've left the furniture. First time buyers or first time renters with nothing, I've just said do you want the furniture?
I'm not remotely materialistic. Never have been . All I want is some security. And my kids not to hate me . That would be nice .
I'm not bothered about getting "my half" if I can just find some way to not be renting .

I've known dh since I was 15 and yes he's flawed but kind. Tho gs have only changed recently. We used to go out for meals and spend Xmas together even after we split . He helped me move house . He's a good egg . I've no wish to hurt him further .

I know you said that selling the house wouldn’t buy a flat for you both but if you still have 9 years until you retire could you get a mortgage for the rest? It might be the same as your rent. Then when you retire perhaps plan to move somewhere cheaper?
For what my opinion is worth I don’t think you owe your husband anything and definitely not the house! He is an adult, your children were also adults when you split up. He needs to stand on his own two feet. I can’t believe you are still financing him 8 years later. You are entitled to a divorce and a settlement.

He needs to move on and so does your daughter. She sounds like she makes you the scapegoat and you allow it. One day she will look back and see how appallingly she is treating you but in the meantime you need to treat yourself better and stop being a doormat. Make a happy life for yourself.

Op you are not listening to people. Focus on getting the finances sorted. Get a flat / house for yourself then worry about your kids. They are adults. You need to see a solicitor ASAP,

”'m not bothered about getting "my half" if I can just find some way to not be renting .”

you can’t. Face facts. You have 9 years to get a mortgage - I’ve just done that I’m 57. See a solicitor. You are wallowing. No one is going to buy you a house you need your half from your ex.

Exactly.

surely it is far more sensible to spend £20 on getting a certified copy of your divorce certificate if your ex is refusing to hand your original over. To get the divorce sorted. You’ve already forked out (& intend to keep on paying out), large sums of money to repay your ex’s debts. this is a tiny sum in comparison.

you sound like you’re punishing yourself and have decided this is how you deserve to be treated by your ex and kids. And they’re playing their roles.

id have long changed the beneficiaries of my insurance and pension when I split with ex, I’d rather leave it all to the cats home.

you need to decide you don’t deserve this then behave accordingly.

you cannot make your daughter be nice to you, you’re already lying down and letting her walk all over you and it’s earning you her utter contempt.

your ex was nice to you whilst he needed you, but you’ve now paid off his debts, given him the house you bought, and he has a girlfriend. Your ‘amicable’ relationship has resulted in him bad mouthing you to your children who are happy to accept his version and leech off you.

You can only manage what is in your control. You can extend invitations to your children, you can tell your daughter she can get back to you as she has a ‘life’ and doesn’t want you to message her. And then you need to get down to the business of living your life, you have friends and your life to be getting on with.

and go back to your gp and tell them you are feeling suicidal. You need help, you need to stop self flagellating, you need counselling, you need to accept you made a decision to leave your marriage because it was untenable for you, this is not a reason for your children and ex to punish you. and not a reason for you to accept being everyone’s emotional punching bag.

stop trying to buy acceptance from your family. It’s clearly not worked.

Marriage certificate that should be.

The problem is your dd wanted to come and see you but you straight away demonstrated her unimportance ( in her eyes) by diluting the meeting by suggesting having it at the neighbours.
As to the finances amd divorce, personally I'd get on with it and take hf the assets that your entitled to. Maybe wait until the IVAs are cleared first.
As far as relationships with your children go, you love them, you show them that you love them and things will repair.

See that's the difference, as a mother I would have stuck to that arrangement. You'd been prepared to drive for the dental appointment originally in order to meet her for 45 minutes. To her it shows she's not important.
If you want to be a martyr about finances go ahead but I've a feeling no one will be happy, especially when your ex marries elsewhere and she gets to live in a lovely house, and you're all poor and cold in rented and your children are no longer welcome in the family home cos new wife doesn't want them around.

But she’s so entrenched in making you feel miserable she will not change. So what you need to do is set yourself up so you can start to focus on you living a happy life. Why should you scrimp and save to buy a park home it would be so much easier with your share of the equity.

you do not have any obligation to house him in a massive family home for the rest of his life

set yourself up, start setting boundaries if she is vicious or ignores you just message back ‘ok let me know when you’re ready to meet up’ don’t play the games. The Boxing Day thing was a perfect example you suggested something she didn’t want. She came back ott vicious, you went and got your hair shirt out of the cupboard and started sending so many apologies to her.

Fgs, don't say that to your dd.

In the kindest way possible, you need to stop blaming yourself for everything and start taking back what is rightfully yours. You're paying off your ex's debt. Why???
You're buying your daughter Ugg slippers whilst she talks to you like shit. Why???
You need to try to claw back some self respect and stop letting people treat you like a doormat.
Maybe they'd have more respect for you then.

Your daughter might have more respect for you if you had more respect for yourself.

Why are you paying someone else's IVA?

And no harm to you but it's your not being materialistic and not being bothered about money that has left you skint as fuck and with £300 to do you the rest of the month.

Her Xmas list consisted of expensive ugg slippers , she's buying a house so I got her a kettle and toaster, towels, personalised photo frame and Xmas bauble , stuff for her car , I've
Got her boyfriend a brew dog gift set , something for his car ,

I've got ds a silver key ring and a luxury travel wallet, and I'll be getting him some other bits this week .

You can't afford all that.

Exactly this. Stop accepting and take control of your life. You can absolutely force a sale and should do so, your passive acceptance is compounding your guilt in your dd's mind.
The current situation is worse for you than NC as it is continuous issues.
Your dd is controlling you and that needs to stop.

Do you think not being bothered by money makes you a good person, better than people who care about protecting the assets they've built? It doesn't. Money isnt everything, but it is essential for life and only a fool wouldn't recognise that.

Stop martyring yourself, because no one is going to give you a medal for it. You have equity and assets - the house needs to be sold and a fair financial split agreed. Then you can plan financially for the rest of your life.

I'm not bothered about getting "my half" if I can just find some way to not be renting

And this is a total fantasy. If you don't want to rent, you are going to need your half.

It doesn't matter that the house wouldn't fund two flats. Your ex's position is nothing to do with you. He's a grown man, and he'll have to sort his own housing. He will find a way, I promise you.

For you, half the house plus a mortgage, or plus half your pension lump sum (pension will also be split as all assets are on the table in a divorce) will probably fund somewhere stable to live. Which is what you need.

This.
If you want to protect inheritance for your children you have to divorce, take your share and then figure out a way to give it to them. And I'm not sure it's true that you couldn't get a mortgage at your age. Depends on a few things.

But if your goal is to protect inheritance for the children, you have to get your share of the assets. You cannot rest on someone's word or a discussion years ago before other partners were in the picture.

Also, divorce is nothing to feel guilty about. If a relationship isn't working then it's better to end it than drag it on. And if it's not working for you, what did he do to try to save it? Because ut sounds like he just does his own thing and coasts along on your work. Stop paying anything at all if his. You're allowed to leave a relationship. You don't have to pay guilt money. Especially as you didn't have an affair, you ended it.

Stop with the guilt. Stop trying to pay your way out of that feeling.

As for DD, you can't buy her. She's learning from her dad to sit back and let your money come in for free.

And don't discuss a single word about the divorce finances with any of them. Not one word. If they ask, provoke etc, just say you're not talking about it with them. And stick to it. ExDH will have a tantrum of some sort and involve them. But don't involve them yourself.

And start building a fun life up for yourself. I'm afraid that DD and Ex don't have your best interests at heart, including your happiness. That's fine. Their choice. Choose something else. There's no reason you don't deserve it.