I really need some objective advice re dd

[stillvicarinatutu]

I'm going to give the back story so no drip feed .

My dd is 25 , and I have a ds , 31.

My dh and I married at 19 and I left him when I was 42.

I had done everything at home , ds had meningitis and later dx with autism , I did 8 weeks alone in hospital, all the medical appointments, all the home admin , childcare, if the kids were ill it was my job to sort , I worked part time too. Dh worked ridiculously unsocial hours and I spent every single night of the marriage alone . Sex was shit and he has ED .

I left him at 42 , my ds had left home , my dd had started university. I was attracted to a man I worked with, but I wouldn't have an affair , I left in January. I started seeing someone else in March. By this time I had battled to get a full time job that paid because dh earned a pittance. I was the breadwinner and had been for 4 years.

I have no doubt this affected dd deeply although at the time I wasn't thinking straight - I was menopausal, restless, bored and sick of everything.

She dropped uni a year later and went home to her dad and the marital home. I was renting .

She was and is angry with me . I got pg with the man I was seeing at 44, dd seemed excited, but the baby had a fatal chromosome disorder and I terminated mid term which was really hard . My then partner was shit and no support. We weren't living together. We stayed together a short time and lived together for a while but he was increasingly abusive and I left .

I've lived alone for 3.5 years.
The problem is my relationship with dd. It's broken . We were extremely close - now it's strained.

She complains to her father that I don't do enough to see her .
Yet if I try , she's busy , if I say can I call , she's busy , if I ask to meet up , she's busy .

The guilt I felt from leaving means I did nothing about divorce or finances . Dd says since I left , I shouldn't get anything. Her father agrees. I paid 21 years of a mortgage, and I've paid 50k of debt off - mine and dhs- it's taken me 6 years. We had separate IVA and I paid both . (He couldn't afford it- I could )
This means he has stayed in the marital home .
He is now seeing another woman - fine - he is 56 and so is she , no plans to live together or marry etc .
I've now said it's time to divorce and sort finances . He's blown up at me - I left - I should have nothing . That's how he feels , and how my kids feel.
I've said I will not force a sale or make him homeless.
I'm looking at alternative solutions including me buying a park home on retirement so he can keep the house . As long as I aren't renting after retirement- I'm happy . I am currently renting .

I've become great friends with my neighbour and we do a lot for each other . We are spending Xmas day together, and going halves on dinner . She's goi g to be alone with her dd who is autistic, I'd be alone , her dd has asked if I can be there and since me and her mum get together every week anyway , for food and wine , we go out for the occasional drink, go shopping together, stuff mates do ! It's lovely . Her dad has virtually adopted me too ! It's nice .

Dd and ds are with their dad for Xmas day - so they were coming to me Boxing Day .

I've got their presents here to give them then .
Dd wanted a second Xmas dinner . That would be quite expensive and my lovely neighbour and friend suggested we do a big shop , go halves , and do a lovely Boxing Day buffet and have it at hers .

So I text dd asking what she thought.

Text back is horrible. Basically dd is saying "we wanted to see you since you never bother , I do t want to see your friend she isn't part of my life , so just forget it we will just come for an hour in the afternoon. "

I've text back - it was just a suggestion- no problem- we do t have to do that , we can stick to Xmas dinner here etc .

No reply then a curt reply saying stop texting me, I have a life you know , I'm out with (boyfriends parents ) .

I text back - are you free for a call later ?

Nothing back .

Her Xmas list consisted of expensive ugg slippers , she's buying a house so I got her a kettle and toaster, towels, personalised photo frame and Xmas bauble , stuff for her car , I've
Got her boyfriend a brew dog gift set , something for his car ,

I've got ds a silver key ring and a luxury travel wallet, and I'll be getting him some other bits this week .

He can't take much back to Asia with him where he lives . He doesn't carry luggage .

I live alone, I barely make ends meet . I've 2 more payments on dh iva then it's done , and 9 more on mine . I've not had my hair done in over a year , I've not my car serviced for 4 years, I shop at Aldi, -
And yet - I'm still the villain . I can buy the uggs etc , but when I dared suggest Boxing Day buffet with neighbour you'd think I'd suggested selling dds first born to the devil himself .
Now it appears she isnt even speaking to me.

I do not know how to heal this.
My own relationship with my mother is NC and has been for 25 years. I do t want that for me and dd - yet I cannot win . Everything I say , everything I suggest, is met with anger. I suggested counselling- nope.
Her dad is the bees knees of course .

Neither of the kids checked on me recently when I had pneumonia. Dd said she thought I was making it up. An ambulance was sent and I was on a nebuliser. They wouldn't come look after my dogs so I could go to hospital.

What the fuck do I do now ? I hate this . I'm constantly apologising. I'm constantly trying . I've asked her what she wants .
She seems to hate me .
I tried to speak with ds about the house etc and he went straight back to his dad and told him - then he said he does t want to be involved- fair enough.

But I cannot win . The only thing that would satisfy them all is if I go away , ask for nothing out of the house , give everything away , go quietly, rent for life , spend my pension on rent and then claim benefits (this is dh"s suggestion when I asked how I rent after retirement. )

I haven't done anything. I've asked nothing. And they are acting like this now - if I do press for some equity I dread to think what happens then . They barely tolerate me now .

I do not know what to do.

You need to stop punishing yourself. You left an unhappy marriage. I saw your other thread and felt very sorry that you are proposing to give up any financial security for yourself to try and make your family forgive you in some way. You need to get the house sold and take your share. Your ex will do as you are and rent somewhere. Giving up your share will not change the way your dd sees you. I think that only time and you standing up for yourself will do that. If you act like you are at fault they will treat you this way.

I think the boxing day buffet with your neighbour was ill judged. There is no reason why your dd would want to spend time with your neighbour.

Why the hell are you paying your ex's debts?? I just saw this. You are allowing the whole family to scapegoat you.

I've messaged to say sorry about the Boxing Day thing and that it wasn't that she wasn't my priority- I'd also asked if I could take her and her partner out to celebrate them getting their new house .

No reply .

My neighbour didn't expect us to spend the day there - just to pop round for a buffet and some games and a drink - not to spend the day . She's alone too so she said she just thought it would be nice . I'll probably go round when (if) the kids have come and gone . Given dd is now ignoring me I do t know .
She said she has a life .
Insinuation being I do not . Which is true . But don't need to rubbed in .

You already have a strained relationship with your DD yet you thought she'd want to spend Boxing Day at a stranger's house? I can't understand why you still think this was a good idea. I'm with your DD on this one.

I think since DD ad DS are that age I do think you could sort out the money from the divorce now. If that be equity release - then so be it - although that would not be my first choice. I think if they have their own homes you can sell the joint home and take half each

Sounds like there is no mileage in carrying on how you are.

You've had good advice here.

I agree that you should press on with the divorce and if that means forcing a sale, so be it. I know you want the DC to inherit but there's no guarantee that will happen - the house might have to fund future care costs.

Divorce, take your fair share (it's rightfully yours), stop speaking to your kids about the situation with your ex.

Don't pander to your DD. If she's stroppy & non communicative, then just tell her to let you know when she's up for a chat & leave it.

Don't let them guilt you. You've done nothing wrong, splitting from their father.

Honestly you’ve been WAY too hard on yourself and I think you DD has been almost brainwashed by her father. They think you owe them all this? It’s bonkers, he’s been taking you for a ride and making you feel guilty for doing what was right for you. How would it have been healthy to stick around?

Your daughter is grown up now and has her own mind, to not understand why you did what you did is just ignorant at this point. She’s an adult, she needs to sort her shit out and see what her father really is.

And to add , OP, it’s time you started living your life and cutting ties.

So what if he has to sell? this is what couples do when the marriage is over. Is not your responsibility to put a roof over his head, he’s an grown ass man . You need to grown a back bone and stop allowing people to take advantage of you , paying his debt, paying the mortgage, not wanting to sell , what is this about? are you his mother??

You have nothing to lose by going for 50% of the equity- so what if he has to rent ? Most people are poorer after divorce and it sounds like divorce was for the best.

Money isn't going to heal things. Even if you bought his home outright, the others will still see you as the bad guy. Stop trying to alleviate your guilt with money. Not only should you not feel guilty, money isn't going to make anyone feel better. Return the expensive gifts and stop pandering to your immature dd. She's a grown woman who is acting like a young teen.
I would prioritise the divorce and finances before working on the relationship with your dd. You shouldn't be punished for the rest of your life for the divorce and certainly shouldn't be paying your ex for his laziness.

When life is difficult, sometimes it's blamed on the mother regardless of who is truly guilty. She's the one who is there, who does all the "things", so if any specific "thing" is done wrong, she's the one who did it. The bar often seems to be much lower for fathers: a father who occasionally walks his children to school is seen as father of the year; a mother who does everything for her kids is looked back upon with resentment because she wasn't sufficiently merry at birthday parties or was tired all the time, or this or that or some other thing. You may have been flawed as a mother, but it also sounds as if your husband did not give you much help with the children or lift you up emotionally. Your flaws do not make it ok for them all to treat you with constant contempt like this. I doubt anything that you do will make your daughter care about you. It's ok to look after your own needs and to expect a fair settlement from your divorce.

I’ve always liked spending time together with my parents’ friends more than just with my actual parents (their friends are warmer and funnier than my mum 😂 and tbh I’ve known since childhood that they only put up with her because they don’t get to see my dad otherwise!), so I’ll have to acknowledge my own bias on the Boxing Day issue. It wouldn’t enter my head to be displeased with spending time with a new friend of my mum’s, but other posters clearly have a different view as does your dd. I guess it largely comes down to what the baseline parent/child relationship is like.

However, in light of you being happy to do what your dd wants instead of the meal with your friend, it does seem like your dd has decided to take the suggestion as a personal insult instead of simply a suggestion you were happy to row back on - which backs up the theory that you’re going to be painted as the bad guy no matter what.

So I definitely think you might as well get a proper divorce, get what you’re due financially, and make the most of your friendships and activities. If you do ever get to build the relationship you hope for with your dd, it won’t be immediate, it’ll take a lot of work, it’ll require her to mature a bit too, and it’ll require you to learn you’re worth more than being walked all over. You might never have the desired relationship, but hopefully having firmer boundaries and improving your sense of self-worth will help your dd at least respect you more.

It really wasn't the intention to be there for the day - just to go round for a buffet tea later in the day .

It's fine that she doesn't want to do that - I just said I'd ask . It was the mean tone in the messages back -
I'm always alone . My neighbour is always alone or with a challenging dd - so we do prop each other up , support and spend a fair bit of time together. Her family have welcomed me with open arms (her dad has sort of adopted me ) so I guess her being the social type just thought "ooo I know what's be fun !" type thing .

Her little one is already lamenting the fact they're alone for Xmas and so she's been really sweet about me going there Xmas day , we've been to neighbours dads today for Sunday dinner and little one plaited my hair and I got some out of character cuddles ( this warms the cockles of my heart because she has suspected pda and isnt always so happy to see me but recently she's been asking for me as I've not been around much due to the pneumonia)

Anyway. I've messaged dd and had a reply saying fine - original plan , they're coming Boxing Day .
Better get a list written !

If you don't sort the house he could divorce, remarry and it all goes to his 2nd wife or anyone else he names in a will.

It may be that this 8 year separation process is like a death of 1000 cuts. You need to make a clean break. Sell the house and clear the finances. It is possible that your daughter is afraid that she will have to take her dad into her new house if his home is sold. That would be an issue for them to resolve. It is not your issue to try to resolve your husband's living arrangements. He , like you, is an adult and you are not his keeper.

I do think your daughter was right to be annoyed about being expected to spend Xmas at your neighbors house particularly if the 2 of you have not seen each recently.

Your daughter's life was up ended at an early juncture of her university experience and it probably impacted her performance and willingness or ability to stay.

It sounds as though you have a lot of to resolve between the 2 of you. Make a clean break with your husband. You are all living in Limbo. A definitive break will allow all of you to have your final burst of anger , and then allow you all to work towards resolution whatever that will mean for you.

I don't know if you want kudos for not requesting a house sale to obtain the money you are entitled to years after leaving, or paying off a grown mans debts just because you left a marriage. It doesn't make you appear gallant, it is foolish behaviour. Anyway, it doesn't seem that these acts of self flagellation are appreciated by either your ex or your adult children, ditto the extravagant gifts.

I'm with your daughter on the Boxing Day situation though. Why would she want to spend it with your friend when she has come to see you? As far as the meal goes, it is actually not that difficult to do a sensible version of Christmas dinner that could actually work out cheaper than a "lovely buffet" (you don't need a 20 lb turkey)

I recognise your story OP. Some elements are familiar - the park home, not wanting to ask for your fair share of the marital home.

Your DD needs to get a grip. My parents divorced when I was 18. My mum had an affair and left my dad for her OM.

It would have been easy to castigate her but I knew their marriage was shit. I had a good relationship with my mum, my dad and eventually the OM who became my step dad.

The point of all this is that your DD needs to grow up and drop this idea that you don't deserve to be happy. And you need to stop apologising for calling an end to a draining relationship.

You were married and that entitles you to a fair settlement. Be a grown up and fight for it. Rolling over and being nice will leave you homeless and in debt. Is that all you think you deserve because your DH has told you so? Stop listening to other people and do the right thing for you. Giving ex DH everything he wants won't solve anything. He will take until you are a dried out husk. He is not reasonable - that's why you left!

Good luck OP.

Stop apologising. The trouble is your leaving has been cast as leaving for another man and abandoning their poor dad.

But she's acting like a brat. She's an adult. She was when you left. Many of us go through much worse and don't drop out of uni.

Have you ever written it all down? I'd be tempted to write a letter with their Christmas gifts. Not an apologetic one. One that sets out that if in a decade's time your daughter is in an unhappy marriage, you would support her to leave rather than expect her to live another three decades miserable.
She needs to grow up

I asked for the marriage certificate with a view to getting the ball rolling only he reckons he can't find it .

I know exactly where it was - but who knows now .

I will certainly be pushing forward with a divorce in the new year.

I'll take advice on the finances - I just know that if I were to do
Anything that rendered him having to sell and move my kids would never ever forgive me for that .

Really I do t think as a mother - a devoted one - I did ok . I spotted my sons autism , I battled the local education authority, I got him the help he needed , if it hadn't been for he would have died from meningitis because his fucki g useless father went to bed saying he seemed better- I'd been pestering the gp for 2 days and in the end it was me that rang ooh and he was blue lighted to hospital where we remained for 8 bloody weeks . He lost the use of his left side , he lost speech, balance , the ability to walk , and it was me that did everything- sorted every physio appt, occupational therapy appt, speech therapy appt, psychology appt, - I was like a single parent . I did everything for both of them . School trips, non uniform days , book days , parties, pick ups , drop offs , sleepovers, clubs , martial arts , swimming, the bloody lot . Decorating. Painting , buying , furnishings - I even sorted dh dentist appointments and anything he needed - he asked me to do it because "you're better at this stuff than me "

So maybe they can't forgive me for being selfish and leaving. And they thought everything was hunky dory . It wasn't . We appeared that it was .

I wouldn't let me kids have a say in my divorce. That is between me and xh

You can't keep changing plans on an autistic person, you need to make regular plans and stick to it! Something like first Sunday of every month at 11am you go to brunch together and you talk about nothing serious. That's how you fix your relationship

Dd is not autistic.

Ds is - but he lives in Thailand now and is only home for Xmas .

I'll take advice on the finances - I just know that if I were to do
Anything that rendered him having to sell and move my kids would never ever forgive me for that

It's literally none of their business. I don't wish to be rude but they don't even live there! And why is it alright for their dad to have a big house to himself and all the equity but you have to rent? If anyone needs forgiveness it's you.

Anything that rendered him having to sell and move my kids would never ever forgive me for that

Jesus OP, I want to shake you. Get a grip. Your kids don't get to decide. And they're not kids, they're adults. If he can't buy you out, then the house needs to be sold. The gravy train is over. You're suffering financially and it's unnecessary. Stop pandering to everyone. Years ago you had the balls to leave this man because you were so unhappy. You need to find those balls again and get the house sold and the divorce finalised.

Hi @ststillvicarinatutu i'm so sorry you're going through all this, hang in there x
Do what is right for you and keep the communication going with your kids x