I really need some objective advice re dd

[stillvicarinatutu]

I'm going to give the back story so no drip feed .

My dd is 25 , and I have a ds , 31.

My dh and I married at 19 and I left him when I was 42.

I had done everything at home , ds had meningitis and later dx with autism , I did 8 weeks alone in hospital, all the medical appointments, all the home admin , childcare, if the kids were ill it was my job to sort , I worked part time too. Dh worked ridiculously unsocial hours and I spent every single night of the marriage alone . Sex was shit and he has ED .

I left him at 42 , my ds had left home , my dd had started university. I was attracted to a man I worked with, but I wouldn't have an affair , I left in January. I started seeing someone else in March. By this time I had battled to get a full time job that paid because dh earned a pittance. I was the breadwinner and had been for 4 years.

I have no doubt this affected dd deeply although at the time I wasn't thinking straight - I was menopausal, restless, bored and sick of everything.

She dropped uni a year later and went home to her dad and the marital home. I was renting .

She was and is angry with me . I got pg with the man I was seeing at 44, dd seemed excited, but the baby had a fatal chromosome disorder and I terminated mid term which was really hard . My then partner was shit and no support. We weren't living together. We stayed together a short time and lived together for a while but he was increasingly abusive and I left .

I've lived alone for 3.5 years.
The problem is my relationship with dd. It's broken . We were extremely close - now it's strained.

She complains to her father that I don't do enough to see her .
Yet if I try , she's busy , if I say can I call , she's busy , if I ask to meet up , she's busy .

The guilt I felt from leaving means I did nothing about divorce or finances . Dd says since I left , I shouldn't get anything. Her father agrees. I paid 21 years of a mortgage, and I've paid 50k of debt off - mine and dhs- it's taken me 6 years. We had separate IVA and I paid both . (He couldn't afford it- I could )
This means he has stayed in the marital home .
He is now seeing another woman - fine - he is 56 and so is she , no plans to live together or marry etc .
I've now said it's time to divorce and sort finances . He's blown up at me - I left - I should have nothing . That's how he feels , and how my kids feel.
I've said I will not force a sale or make him homeless.
I'm looking at alternative solutions including me buying a park home on retirement so he can keep the house . As long as I aren't renting after retirement- I'm happy . I am currently renting .

I've become great friends with my neighbour and we do a lot for each other . We are spending Xmas day together, and going halves on dinner . She's goi g to be alone with her dd who is autistic, I'd be alone , her dd has asked if I can be there and since me and her mum get together every week anyway , for food and wine , we go out for the occasional drink, go shopping together, stuff mates do ! It's lovely . Her dad has virtually adopted me too ! It's nice .

Dd and ds are with their dad for Xmas day - so they were coming to me Boxing Day .

I've got their presents here to give them then .
Dd wanted a second Xmas dinner . That would be quite expensive and my lovely neighbour and friend suggested we do a big shop , go halves , and do a lovely Boxing Day buffet and have it at hers .

So I text dd asking what she thought.

Text back is horrible. Basically dd is saying "we wanted to see you since you never bother , I do t want to see your friend she isn't part of my life , so just forget it we will just come for an hour in the afternoon. "

I've text back - it was just a suggestion- no problem- we do t have to do that , we can stick to Xmas dinner here etc .

No reply then a curt reply saying stop texting me, I have a life you know , I'm out with (boyfriends parents ) .

I text back - are you free for a call later ?

Nothing back .

Her Xmas list consisted of expensive ugg slippers , she's buying a house so I got her a kettle and toaster, towels, personalised photo frame and Xmas bauble , stuff for her car , I've
Got her boyfriend a brew dog gift set , something for his car ,

I've got ds a silver key ring and a luxury travel wallet, and I'll be getting him some other bits this week .

He can't take much back to Asia with him where he lives . He doesn't carry luggage .

I live alone, I barely make ends meet . I've 2 more payments on dh iva then it's done , and 9 more on mine . I've not had my hair done in over a year , I've not my car serviced for 4 years, I shop at Aldi, -
And yet - I'm still the villain . I can buy the uggs etc , but when I dared suggest Boxing Day buffet with neighbour you'd think I'd suggested selling dds first born to the devil himself .
Now it appears she isnt even speaking to me.

I do not know how to heal this.
My own relationship with my mother is NC and has been for 25 years. I do t want that for me and dd - yet I cannot win . Everything I say , everything I suggest, is met with anger. I suggested counselling- nope.
Her dad is the bees knees of course .

Neither of the kids checked on me recently when I had pneumonia. Dd said she thought I was making it up. An ambulance was sent and I was on a nebuliser. They wouldn't come look after my dogs so I could go to hospital.

What the fuck do I do now ? I hate this . I'm constantly apologising. I'm constantly trying . I've asked her what she wants .
She seems to hate me .
I tried to speak with ds about the house etc and he went straight back to his dad and told him - then he said he does t want to be involved- fair enough.

But I cannot win . The only thing that would satisfy them all is if I go away , ask for nothing out of the house , give everything away , go quietly, rent for life , spend my pension on rent and then claim benefits (this is dh"s suggestion when I asked how I rent after retirement. )

I haven't done anything. I've asked nothing. And they are acting like this now - if I do press for some equity I dread to think what happens then . They barely tolerate me now .

I do not know what to do.

So what if your husband has to sell the house?!
Could you not both get a house or even a flat from the split and in regards to inheritance, your children would then get money from each property ?

Please don't just let your Husband live in comfort whilst you struggle. Look after yourself.

You say this op.” Darling I know we aren’t close presently but I really would like to try and heal things between us, maybe I’ve been going about it the right way but I’ve meant it with love, how can I make this right? What would you prefer for our Christmas plans? I am receptive to what you would prefer, no agenda, not big talks etc. just us as you prefer”

strip everything back op your dd is awash with everything, she may want to hash it out she may just want her mum. Ask here ; do not assume and the LISTEN to her answers.

Please op keep reading this post. It's spot on.

The house wouldn't fund two flats .

I know every one thinks I'm stupid but I would feel shit if dh ended up homeless- I do t know maybe we could both work something out- shared ownership places or something, I need the figures to see what I'm entitled to and what he might be entitled to from my pension . Than when we have figures we can look at solutions.

I really would be quite happy with a park home in 9 years when I retire . I'd prefer us all to be securely housed .

@stillvicarinatutu you can get a certified copy of the marriage certificate here.

I had to get a copy after I got divorced.

theres a small fee, but they’re pretty quick to send it. I’d wait till after Xmas and the postal strikes.

Your ex is a grown up. His housing is his problem.

You've spent so long mothering him that you think the roof over his head is still your responsibility when you divorce.

It isn't.

So you'd rather house your exDH into retirement than yourself?

Absofuckinglutely

So your plan is to do exactly what your ex wants. Rent for life and claim benefits when you’re too old to work, end up homeless possibly?

whilst your ex does what? Live in a large family home that you’ve paid for with the option to leave it to his new partner if he chooses?

go for half the equity in the property, get yourself decent secure housing.

You’re not your ex’s keeper. He could have been working his arse off over the years you left and made decent savings to buy himself a small house/flat. But he hasn’t. That’s his choice. He’s an adult.

I know it sounds mad but I just don't want to alienate my children any further and he would be the "victim " of anything I do .

They see what I did as my choice . But it wasn't his choice . Leaving really hurt him . He lost a load of weight , he threw out all my things and all the furniture, he got rid of every trace of me from the house .
We'd been perfectly amicable since those early days . It's changed now he's seeing someone- which is fine . But she has her own home , her own grown up kids , and I think 8 years of independence has probably helped him become more self sufficient.

I literally only have 2 more payments on his Iva. I will obviously tell the solicitor about that - but that was my choice to do and it's so close to ending- I didn't want to upset the apple cart .

You are NOT too old to get a mortgage, if that's what you choose. I took out a mortgage 2 years ago at the age of 62. I am still working and my forthcoming pension was taken into account when agreeing what I could borrow.
You have options. You need to talk to a solicitor about your marital finances (your ex has done very well out of you and he is no longer your responsibility). Get it sorted legally then you will both be able to sort out your future living arrangements. As your children are adults and supportive of their father, perhaps they will help him to get somewhere to live? Whether or not, he is no longer your responsibility.
Stand up for yourself now.

And no I aren't going to rent forever.

I wo t get a full pension but my lump sum would buy a park home (not a super luxury one but not a static caravan either !). I'm just wanting to look at solutions that would work for us all .

I don’t think we think you’re necessarily “stupid”, OP. Unwise up till this point, yes, sure. A walkover? That too, unfortunately. Especially about the financial arrangements.

It sounds like you’ve spent all this time making sure everyone else is comfortable and getting what they want. You haven’t prioritised what you need, and that’s probably because of the guilt you seem to feel about leaving a crap marriage many years ago. It seems pretty clear that’s a key driver for you being afraid to make the much-needed change to the status quo.

Glad to hear you’re intending to push through with the divorce. Please don’t let yourself get any more short-changed than you already have been. Your dd should absolutely want better for you than for you to struggle on while your ex is secure - especially because it’s you that’s the one who’s actually made him secure by paying off his debt and letting him live in your house.

Then what is it you're asking for on this thread then if you don't want to accept the objective advice you've been given?

This thread was more about my relationship (fractured) with dd . And how to mend it .

You're not going to mend it by pandering to her every whim, sorry. That makes it seem like she's right and you are the "guilty" party all along.
You need to do what is right, get everything sorted so you are independent from their father. Whether your children treat you better or worse then is up to them. You can't control how they feel and if she won't discuss things with you/ have joint counselling there's not a lot you can do about your relationship with her.
What you CAN do is sort out your life and your independent future so that you are secure.

It depends. In an ideal world you could speak to DD and explain your marriage wasn't the lovely thing she may have thought & there are two sides to every story. I suspect she has had her DF's side of the story.

you are IMHO perfect entitled to make a proper break. Whether that gets two flats or not - no matter - but then you can both make a decision. It does not sound ike the current situation is going down well with the family so I would just push for proper divorce and allocation of assets. & He has a partner with a house - I doubt he will be without a roof over his head whilst he decides what to do.

Stop feeling guilty. I left a partner who refused to pay anything ( house in negative equity ) but the relationship wasn't working - I was the one to say so . I had some guilt & then it stopped - I did have to pay the negative equity off - just to cut things off between us.

Please stop feeling guilty .

I agree with what Hundred said.

1. You get divorced and get what you have a right to.
2. Your DD wanted to see you, not your friend, so invite her alone and try to make it nice. (She has no right though to tell you what you are or are not entitled to from your divorce.)

You left home at very difficult point in her life. You need to apologise for that but say you aren't prepared to be bullied and belittled for it forever and that if she wants a relationship she needs to treat you with respect. I don't think it's possible to alienate her much more, but you can't go on living with her torturing you over this forever.

They're still coming Boxing Day - we're sticking g to the original plan .i said it wasn't that she wasn't my priority- it was just a suggestion from my friend.

It probably would have been fun - friend is life and soul of a party and it might have lightened the mood a little.

You've posted before, I think?

Several times since 2007 .

Tbh, I think your DD treats you badly because you accept it. You need to stand up for yourself. You did nothing wrong in leaving an unhappy marriage and you’d be doing nothing wrong in getting your fair share in divorce. If she tries to have a go at you about it then tell her she’s wrong. Because she is.

I agree that your dd treats you badly because you're a doormat. To earn her respect you need to make some difficult choices.
If your ex marries, his house will go to the new partner then her children if he passes first.

This. Your ex is completely unreasonable to try to prevent the sale of the house. You need somewhere to live too and you need to woman up and force this issue.

And I agree that your DD’s punishment of you is disproportionate.

But I do think it was pretty tactless on your part to expect her to want to spend such an emotionally important time of year with a random and given her state of mind you should have known that wasn’t going to land well.