I really need some objective advice re dd

[stillvicarinatutu]

I'm going to give the back story so no drip feed .

My dd is 25 , and I have a ds , 31.

My dh and I married at 19 and I left him when I was 42.

I had done everything at home , ds had meningitis and later dx with autism , I did 8 weeks alone in hospital, all the medical appointments, all the home admin , childcare, if the kids were ill it was my job to sort , I worked part time too. Dh worked ridiculously unsocial hours and I spent every single night of the marriage alone . Sex was shit and he has ED .

I left him at 42 , my ds had left home , my dd had started university. I was attracted to a man I worked with, but I wouldn't have an affair , I left in January. I started seeing someone else in March. By this time I had battled to get a full time job that paid because dh earned a pittance. I was the breadwinner and had been for 4 years.

I have no doubt this affected dd deeply although at the time I wasn't thinking straight - I was menopausal, restless, bored and sick of everything.

She dropped uni a year later and went home to her dad and the marital home. I was renting .

She was and is angry with me . I got pg with the man I was seeing at 44, dd seemed excited, but the baby had a fatal chromosome disorder and I terminated mid term which was really hard . My then partner was shit and no support. We weren't living together. We stayed together a short time and lived together for a while but he was increasingly abusive and I left .

I've lived alone for 3.5 years.
The problem is my relationship with dd. It's broken . We were extremely close - now it's strained.

She complains to her father that I don't do enough to see her .
Yet if I try , she's busy , if I say can I call , she's busy , if I ask to meet up , she's busy .

The guilt I felt from leaving means I did nothing about divorce or finances . Dd says since I left , I shouldn't get anything. Her father agrees. I paid 21 years of a mortgage, and I've paid 50k of debt off - mine and dhs- it's taken me 6 years. We had separate IVA and I paid both . (He couldn't afford it- I could )
This means he has stayed in the marital home .
He is now seeing another woman - fine - he is 56 and so is she , no plans to live together or marry etc .
I've now said it's time to divorce and sort finances . He's blown up at me - I left - I should have nothing . That's how he feels , and how my kids feel.
I've said I will not force a sale or make him homeless.
I'm looking at alternative solutions including me buying a park home on retirement so he can keep the house . As long as I aren't renting after retirement- I'm happy . I am currently renting .

I've become great friends with my neighbour and we do a lot for each other . We are spending Xmas day together, and going halves on dinner . She's goi g to be alone with her dd who is autistic, I'd be alone , her dd has asked if I can be there and since me and her mum get together every week anyway , for food and wine , we go out for the occasional drink, go shopping together, stuff mates do ! It's lovely . Her dad has virtually adopted me too ! It's nice .

Dd and ds are with their dad for Xmas day - so they were coming to me Boxing Day .

I've got their presents here to give them then .
Dd wanted a second Xmas dinner . That would be quite expensive and my lovely neighbour and friend suggested we do a big shop , go halves , and do a lovely Boxing Day buffet and have it at hers .

So I text dd asking what she thought.

Text back is horrible. Basically dd is saying "we wanted to see you since you never bother , I do t want to see your friend she isn't part of my life , so just forget it we will just come for an hour in the afternoon. "

I've text back - it was just a suggestion- no problem- we do t have to do that , we can stick to Xmas dinner here etc .

No reply then a curt reply saying stop texting me, I have a life you know , I'm out with (boyfriends parents ) .

I text back - are you free for a call later ?

Nothing back .

Her Xmas list consisted of expensive ugg slippers , she's buying a house so I got her a kettle and toaster, towels, personalised photo frame and Xmas bauble , stuff for her car , I've
Got her boyfriend a brew dog gift set , something for his car ,

I've got ds a silver key ring and a luxury travel wallet, and I'll be getting him some other bits this week .

He can't take much back to Asia with him where he lives . He doesn't carry luggage .

I live alone, I barely make ends meet . I've 2 more payments on dh iva then it's done , and 9 more on mine . I've not had my hair done in over a year , I've not my car serviced for 4 years, I shop at Aldi, -
And yet - I'm still the villain . I can buy the uggs etc , but when I dared suggest Boxing Day buffet with neighbour you'd think I'd suggested selling dds first born to the devil himself .
Now it appears she isnt even speaking to me.

I do not know how to heal this.
My own relationship with my mother is NC and has been for 25 years. I do t want that for me and dd - yet I cannot win . Everything I say , everything I suggest, is met with anger. I suggested counselling- nope.
Her dad is the bees knees of course .

Neither of the kids checked on me recently when I had pneumonia. Dd said she thought I was making it up. An ambulance was sent and I was on a nebuliser. They wouldn't come look after my dogs so I could go to hospital.

What the fuck do I do now ? I hate this . I'm constantly apologising. I'm constantly trying . I've asked her what she wants .
She seems to hate me .
I tried to speak with ds about the house etc and he went straight back to his dad and told him - then he said he does t want to be involved- fair enough.

But I cannot win . The only thing that would satisfy them all is if I go away , ask for nothing out of the house , give everything away , go quietly, rent for life , spend my pension on rent and then claim benefits (this is dh"s suggestion when I asked how I rent after retirement. )

I haven't done anything. I've asked nothing. And they are acting like this now - if I do press for some equity I dread to think what happens then . They barely tolerate me now .

I do not know what to do.

How do I get unstuck ?

Taking a shortcut to an identity and to a sense of purpose and peace is never going to work, no matter how good you are or were at the role you took on.

I feel you need to get yourself up off the floor and start forgiving yourself for being human (i.e. flawed) before you will be ready to open your heart to your child and let her see you properly.

At the moment she senses that you need her to make you whole, to restore your sense of identity and your self esteem. She can't do that for you. That is not what a child is for.

He doesn’t sound that great tbh. In your own words:

”I did 8 weeks alone in hospital, all the medical appointments, all the home admin , childcare, if the kids were ill it was my job to sort , I worked part time too. Dh worked ridiculously unsocial hours and I spent every single night of the marriage alone . Sex was shit and he has ED.”

“I shouldn't get anything. Her father agrees. I paid 21 years of a mortgage, and I've paid 50k of debt off - mine and dhs- it's taken me 6 years. We had separate IVA and I paid both . (He couldn't afford it- I could )

This means he has stayed in the marital home”

“I live alone, I barely make ends meet . I've 2 more payments on dh iva then it's done”

“spend my pension on rent and then claim benefits (this is dh"s suggestion when I asked how I rent after retirement. )”

In fact he sounds like a dick who will punish you forever because you had the (shock, horror!!) actually to do what was right for you.

I maintain that you should sell the house. £75k is a nice deposit for both of you plus a little chunk out of that for therapy. He has someone new in his life. It’s better than: he’s okay and you’re not okay. You’re not pathetic but you need to stand up for yourself. If you don’t, just in IMO, things are unlikely to change much.

Thing is she's not flawed .
When her first love cheated on her - he was gone . No ifs no buts . She is incredibly strong , so I suspect she is angry with me for not being the person I brought her up to be .

Your neighbour might be fun to you but why would your daughter, who presumably doesn’t know her, want to spend her Christmas with her mum with her?
Christmas dinner didn’t have to be expensive; vegetables are 19p at the moment in Sainsburys and you could’ve gotten a large gammon joint for around £4/5 in Aldi. Even a chicken crown for around the same price. Potatoes are cheap.
Whilst the finances are all wrong, and I don’t agree with the house stuff, it does seem you’re making a lot of excuses when it comes to your DD.
Why would your arthritis have been ok for you to drive to the dentist and then for a 45 min lunch but not just for a 45 min lunch? Why would it of been better in the evening?
I’m putting these questions to you as this is exactly what your DD will of thought,
speaking from similar experience. It seems it’s all on your terms and that’s shit. If you want a relationship with her you need to put the effort in.

Everyone is flawed, @stillvicarinatutu

Everyone.

Whatever your daughter’s issue is with you, it’s not for you to resolve. The past is done, people get divorced, she’s an adult. Your ex/H is an adult (allegedly). Stop paying for other people to be okay, turn all of it around and do that for yourself instead. You are being mistreated and it’s like you believe you deserve it. Carry on with that if you wish! It’s up to you.

Yes I think I do feel like I deserve it .
That's hard to shake off .

I know how it must have looked to dd when I asked to cancel lunch when my dental appt was cancelled- but driving actually kills me . I'm having to get lifts to work twice a week and wfh the rest of the time . She does t get that I'm getting older and have some health issues now .

We went to Rome for my birthday. She took me and it was lovely but when she was charging off down the street and I was limping along behind her she laughed and told me I wasn't old . But I am . I struggle with some things now like driving and stairs and walking. She doesn't understand this . She's 25 and young and fit as a fiddle .

Hard and all as it might be you need to step away from the dysfunction in your family. Clearly dh dd and ds are in the pattern of abusing you.

You also need to stand up for yourself.
The facts were your marriage was miserable (and maybe emotionally abusive from what your re saying )
Your dd and dh certainly seem
Happy to live off you financially - they are invested in you feeling horrible about yourself so they reap the benefits - rent free home presents etx.
You haven't really left the relationship have you- it s been allowed to continue.

You need to complete your leaving and emotionally separate from dh. You are entitled to happiness and love and respect.

I read your previous tread and was horrified by the way your family treated you when you were so I'll. I hope you are recovering now.

You should separate financially. Expect dd and dh to increase their abuse of you as you threaten the status quo.
Sell the house. Get your finances in order.

Personally your dh sounds like a free loader - he won't want to leave the house or have to work- it s crazy you supporting him.

You need to stop this.

Can you get some councilling for yourself to help you work through this and work on your self esteem? You really have to stop blaming yourself
For wanting happiness and out of a loveless miserable marriage.

Regarding your dd - she needs to grow up. You need to stop indulging her abuse of you and allowing her to dictate. She's hee a calm measured message saying you love her but are refusing to be her emotional punch bag and are stepping away. Put boundaries and self respect in place.

It really is as if you never left the marriage and abusive relationship. All you did you move out and pay for their lives while the abuse continues. 2023 needs to bring some change and it will be difficult for you. But you need to find some self worth and some see the relationships for the abuse and dysfunction that they are. The break the cycle you need to look at your contribution, let go of guilt and make the first steps to a healthy relationship with yourself, new friends. And sad and difficult as it may be put boundaries in place and step away from your ex dh (yes divorce and solicitor and separate finances ) by the way it s not a family home it's your dh s current abode which he should pay for if he wants to continue to live in it.

Your the woman who posted the other day
for god sake grow a pair ,and stand up to your bullying family
get a divorce and get what you are owed financially.
if you choose to keep pussyfooting around them ,and allowing them to use it as a stick to beat you with ,well that’s on you

I dont think they actually thought I was as ill as I was .

Thanks .

Look ….
we are all in this alone
no one is coming on a white horse to make our lives better
we are born alone ,we die alone
it’s up to us ,to stand up for ourselves and make our lives the best we can
you seem determined to let them walk all over you ,and believe me ,they won’t respect you for it

Tell me if I’m wrong but your post could have said if worded differently:

“I left my husband because it was a loveless marriage. I was not sexually fulfilled and I slept alone. I did the parenting alone. I earned more than him and paid for more stuff than him (and I’m still paying for that).

But when I left him things went wrong for me and I hit on some really unfortunate and heartbreaking circumstances. Because I’d been the dutiful silent wife all those years no one knew how unhappy I was. So even though my daughter is an adult, she acts like I’ve done something terrible. My ex is probably badmouthing me because he’s angry/hurt (/an entitled prick) so this probably doesn’t help.

So I’ve allowed myself to believe what they say about me. I see myself through their eyes and allow myself to be controlled. I first present a very long and difficult history of being treated badly but then defend those people when challenged on it. I have cognitive dissonance and have so far resigned myself to just continuing to hate myself. Therefore I am going to….”

(You finish the sentence)

But you’re not old. You’re 50. There will be others your age with primary school or even pre school aged children. You’re unwell, have arthritis definitely. But you’re not old. This is another thing that will seem to her like an excuse. She took you to Rome for your birthday but you complained you’re too old for the walking. At 50.

OP, answer me honestly, what kind of relationship do you actually want with your daughter? Be completely honest, have a think. What is it you’re after? You say she doesn’t want one yet asked for you have to a Christmas Day together. She took you away for your birthday. She was disappointed when you cancelled plans with her.

Im trying to get you to see this from her perspective.

Depression is a bitch as well ,it stops us making decisions,and being assertive and we end up wallowing in self pity ..
if your on antidepressants,it doesn’t sound like they are working,maybe get back to your doctor,discuss a different type ,
your most probably grieving for the child you lost ,was baby a daughter???
could this be making things difficult with your adult daughter?
you have been through a lot clearly
but don’t roll over and let them keep wiping their feet on you ,fight back and reclaim the life you deserve

The thing is, you can't prioritise their inheritance when what really matters is the here and now. You must think of yourself!

Inheritance isn't a birth right and I would really have to question the morals of your daughter if she would prefer to see you struggling like this just to protect her inheritance- it's actually quite sickening how little she appears to care about you.

Ultimately you did NOTHING wrong by leaving your marriage. But it sounds like they've all jumped on the bandwagon to portray you as the villain and you've played straight into their hands by apologising and paying for everything! Unfortunately they see you as weak and someone that they can exploit.

Also your ex does not sound in any way decent. He's happy as long as he can keep using you as his cash cow.

As for your daughter, she sounds like a nasty piece of work. Don't try to buy her love and forgiveness by diddling yourself out of what is rightfully yours!!

baby
She wants her mum . The mum she knows . Not the person I've become . I raised a strong , Independent, take no shit from anyone daughter .
She probably is terribly disappointed in me right now .
She wants the mum she knew . Not the depressed heap that stays in bed all day. I wouldn't used to leave the house without my make up on and my hair done . Now I go to the shops in my pyjamas, with a hat on to
Cover my hair and no make up. She probably thinks I'm a wreck .
She doesn't want to see that . I have realised that . So I'm now resolving to make an effort .

I will be taking legal advice on the finances. She's moving g into her own place next month .

Yes my baby was a little girl . I named her and had her blessed and had a funeral for her .

See a solicitor

Get the finances sorted. Sell house. Split proceeds

Get divorced

Start your life again

Stop pandering to daughter

I really hope you find the strength to fight back ,and claim what is yours .
get the family home sold ,and get your fair share
wake up this morning,get out of bed with a new determination
ring your doctor,get an appointment
ring your solicitor and get an appointment
these are the first steps to turn your life round.
no one is coming to do it for you x

My babies are still coming Boxing Day .
I apologised for the suggestion we go to neighbour for buffet .

I'm doing an Xmas dinner . I will drag my Xmas tree out of the shed . I've started wrapping presents tonight .

If and when I get it wrong I do try to sort it .

My neighbour said today she asked me because she also wanted to make it a bit more festive for her dd . They're alone for Xmas which is why I'm going g there Xmas day and were going g halves on dinner .

Her little one is texting me daily for reassurance I'll be there . She's worried I'll be in bed and wont get up . She's a highly anxious 10 year old with asd. She's tested me a lot this year to see if I'd still be there . Now she knows I am she's been really sweet lately . I'm even getting cuddles . (She hates cuddles but she's initiating cuddles !) so there was
No malice in my neighbour asking if we'd like to go there . But I recognise my kids want me and only me for the day - and I'm going to make it as nice as I can for them .
Btw I don't tell theM about next doors dd . I think because she's on the spectrum she knows she can trust me because I get it and I've become a sort of auntie figure I think - she asked me today what I'd do if they moved . And I said I'd be sad . And she said why ? And I said because I'd miss you . And that's why she asked . She needed to know that .

But I don't mention my relationship with my neighbour or her dd to my kids . I genuinely think my neighbour (friend - she's my closest friend ) wanted to meet the kids. But she gets it . So Boxing Day is going to be all about them and me .

I suppose what I'm trying to say is I seem to be valued by other people.
I dont have much family. I really love my friend and neighbour- were kind of two peas in pod. Her dd said she was a ghost earlier and we both without Missi g a best starting making ghost noises 😂. Whhhhooooooo!
We have a laugh . We talk about anything and everything. And I accept her dd for exactly who she is . Even when she's being a unpleasant. (Which she hasn't been for a good while now !) since I had pneumonia her dd has asked for me a lot and wanted me to go round 😍. She's now taken to stealing my keys so I can't go home 😂.

My friend really does have her work cut out with her so her friends are valuable and loved and she's been a godsend for me too . We're both single , middle aged women. She drags me out of bed and forces me to be human . She's been where I am . She never judges . She's just there for me as I am for her . I'm very glad I have her in my life . And the little madam . I love her too .

I suppose the temptation for both of us was to try and share that bond with my kids but it's not the right thing right at this minute.
I get that.