I really need some objective advice re dd

[stillvicarinatutu]

I'm going to give the back story so no drip feed .

My dd is 25 , and I have a ds , 31.

My dh and I married at 19 and I left him when I was 42.

I had done everything at home , ds had meningitis and later dx with autism , I did 8 weeks alone in hospital, all the medical appointments, all the home admin , childcare, if the kids were ill it was my job to sort , I worked part time too. Dh worked ridiculously unsocial hours and I spent every single night of the marriage alone . Sex was shit and he has ED .

I left him at 42 , my ds had left home , my dd had started university. I was attracted to a man I worked with, but I wouldn't have an affair , I left in January. I started seeing someone else in March. By this time I had battled to get a full time job that paid because dh earned a pittance. I was the breadwinner and had been for 4 years.

I have no doubt this affected dd deeply although at the time I wasn't thinking straight - I was menopausal, restless, bored and sick of everything.

She dropped uni a year later and went home to her dad and the marital home. I was renting .

She was and is angry with me . I got pg with the man I was seeing at 44, dd seemed excited, but the baby had a fatal chromosome disorder and I terminated mid term which was really hard . My then partner was shit and no support. We weren't living together. We stayed together a short time and lived together for a while but he was increasingly abusive and I left .

I've lived alone for 3.5 years.
The problem is my relationship with dd. It's broken . We were extremely close - now it's strained.

She complains to her father that I don't do enough to see her .
Yet if I try , she's busy , if I say can I call , she's busy , if I ask to meet up , she's busy .

The guilt I felt from leaving means I did nothing about divorce or finances . Dd says since I left , I shouldn't get anything. Her father agrees. I paid 21 years of a mortgage, and I've paid 50k of debt off - mine and dhs- it's taken me 6 years. We had separate IVA and I paid both . (He couldn't afford it- I could )
This means he has stayed in the marital home .
He is now seeing another woman - fine - he is 56 and so is she , no plans to live together or marry etc .
I've now said it's time to divorce and sort finances . He's blown up at me - I left - I should have nothing . That's how he feels , and how my kids feel.
I've said I will not force a sale or make him homeless.
I'm looking at alternative solutions including me buying a park home on retirement so he can keep the house . As long as I aren't renting after retirement- I'm happy . I am currently renting .

I've become great friends with my neighbour and we do a lot for each other . We are spending Xmas day together, and going halves on dinner . She's goi g to be alone with her dd who is autistic, I'd be alone , her dd has asked if I can be there and since me and her mum get together every week anyway , for food and wine , we go out for the occasional drink, go shopping together, stuff mates do ! It's lovely . Her dad has virtually adopted me too ! It's nice .

Dd and ds are with their dad for Xmas day - so they were coming to me Boxing Day .

I've got their presents here to give them then .
Dd wanted a second Xmas dinner . That would be quite expensive and my lovely neighbour and friend suggested we do a big shop , go halves , and do a lovely Boxing Day buffet and have it at hers .

So I text dd asking what she thought.

Text back is horrible. Basically dd is saying "we wanted to see you since you never bother , I do t want to see your friend she isn't part of my life , so just forget it we will just come for an hour in the afternoon. "

I've text back - it was just a suggestion- no problem- we do t have to do that , we can stick to Xmas dinner here etc .

No reply then a curt reply saying stop texting me, I have a life you know , I'm out with (boyfriends parents ) .

I text back - are you free for a call later ?

Nothing back .

Her Xmas list consisted of expensive ugg slippers , she's buying a house so I got her a kettle and toaster, towels, personalised photo frame and Xmas bauble , stuff for her car , I've
Got her boyfriend a brew dog gift set , something for his car ,

I've got ds a silver key ring and a luxury travel wallet, and I'll be getting him some other bits this week .

He can't take much back to Asia with him where he lives . He doesn't carry luggage .

I live alone, I barely make ends meet . I've 2 more payments on dh iva then it's done , and 9 more on mine . I've not had my hair done in over a year , I've not my car serviced for 4 years, I shop at Aldi, -
And yet - I'm still the villain . I can buy the uggs etc , but when I dared suggest Boxing Day buffet with neighbour you'd think I'd suggested selling dds first born to the devil himself .
Now it appears she isnt even speaking to me.

I do not know how to heal this.
My own relationship with my mother is NC and has been for 25 years. I do t want that for me and dd - yet I cannot win . Everything I say , everything I suggest, is met with anger. I suggested counselling- nope.
Her dad is the bees knees of course .

Neither of the kids checked on me recently when I had pneumonia. Dd said she thought I was making it up. An ambulance was sent and I was on a nebuliser. They wouldn't come look after my dogs so I could go to hospital.

What the fuck do I do now ? I hate this . I'm constantly apologising. I'm constantly trying . I've asked her what she wants .
She seems to hate me .
I tried to speak with ds about the house etc and he went straight back to his dad and told him - then he said he does t want to be involved- fair enough.

But I cannot win . The only thing that would satisfy them all is if I go away , ask for nothing out of the house , give everything away , go quietly, rent for life , spend my pension on rent and then claim benefits (this is dh"s suggestion when I asked how I rent after retirement. )

I haven't done anything. I've asked nothing. And they are acting like this now - if I do press for some equity I dread to think what happens then . They barely tolerate me now .

I do not know what to do.

And the fact you felt so alone doing this means your ex isn't as decent as you think.

Not kind at all to have left you feeling so alone in this as well as physically not being there properly at the time so you did all the heavy lifting in that sense too.

I can't imagine a decent, kind man letting you take all that on. Your perception of him is clouded by your guilt of leaving him I think.

I think you've also mistaken his passive nature for him being 'good' as he's not been angry or shouty. When in fact sometimes 'passive' people are actually just opting out of tough scenarios and difficult choices.

monsteramunch · Today 00:34
I think you've also mistaken his passive nature for him being 'good' as he's not been angry or shouty. When in fact sometimes 'passive' people are actually just opting out of tough scenarios and difficult choices.

Also that opting out has made you seem to be the bad guy by default: You took action in the vacuum he’d made, now you get the blame for anything not perfect while he says, ‘I didn’t do anything’. That’s right. He probably did nothing.

For your relationship with your daughter, 2 things really stuck out to me.

1. the Christmas gift, she asked for uggs which retail for 85-175 quid. I get it that’s expensive BUT you got her: a kettle, a toaster, towels, a personalised photo frame, a Xmas bauble AND stuff for her car. Even if each item is 10quid that’s 60 pounds. PLUS you got her bf 2 gifts. Add to that she didn’t ask for any of that, and gifts for the home are usually a miss.
2. The moving of plans is just disrespectful. Either you want to see her or you don’t. If you have a strained relationship and want to make it work, be there for her when you say you will.

She asked for the kettle toaster towels too
As well as the uggs
The photo frame and bauble I got . For their new home .

It's very difficult for me to actually motivate myself to do
Anything anymore . I regularly refuse social stuff because I aren't dressed or showered and just want to sleep . I sleep a lot . I've not got a tree up . Haven't tirdied the house . Haven't hoovered for a week . Ran out of plates today so put dishwasher on . I can't help this - I can't seem to change it.

I have no idea what IVA is but I think you should immediately stop paying it for your husband. Do NOT make the last two payments.

Lawyer up, force a sale of your house - a fire sale if necessary. Let them do their thing.

When your daughter sends you a nasty text say ok thanks but no thanks. Tell her you'll be blocking her for a couple of weeks to avoid the abuse and then do it.

They're being abusive and when you go along with it and are nice in response to it it sends them the message to keep doing it.

Don't mention the financial situation or house situation to any of them to be quite frank. Go through a lawyer and force a divorce. It's not the 50s, you can't be forced to stay in a marriage you don't want to anymore.

Don't spend Boxing Day blowing smoke up your neighbour's arse and telling your daughter all about your cosy surrogate family, please.

Obviously not .

She doesn't actually ask about me . What I do , who I see , anything.

My neighbour, friend , has been a lifeline . She makes me get up and shower and drags me out the house . And I love her to bits for it , and by same token I help with her dd , and attempt to keep her sane .
But dd isn't interested in anything I do . I do t generally mention it .

The nail in the coffin with dh. -
Right I'd spent years trying to juggle money , robbing Peter to pay Paul . Dh was and always has been a complete walkover. He went 9 years without a pay rise. So I went and joined the specials - for nothing with a view to getting into the police . Never thought I'd do it as no qualifications beyond GCSEs . But as soon as I started working with the police they boosted my confidence, told me I was a natural, encouraged me to apply . So I did . And it took me 18 Mo tha of hoop jumping to get in . But I did it . First time. Scored one of the highest candidates at the assessment centre. So I got in , and I earned the money we'd never had . Then a film crew came to our force - and they filmed a 3 part documentary. And I told dh , and said if you want to see what I do on a daily basis , you could watch this documentary on bbc 2 .
And do you know what he said ?
He said " I'm not that interested to be honest "

And that's when it died . Along with something in me . I had battled to get this amazing job , with nothing other than life experience, and I was blue lighting to jobs , and working with police dogs , and an a response team , tackling everything and anything, drunks , pub fights , shoplifting, assaults , domestics, rapes , murders , and he had absolutely zero interest.

After years and years of doing the drudge work. The shopping, the childcare, fixing everything for everyone, appointments, therapy for ds , (speech and language , physio, occupational, psych, school ) dentist's, doctors , opticians , banks , mortgages, loans, cars , mots , insurances , holidays , you name it . And this was my one time to show him the job I was doing that was dangerous and exciting and earned twice what he did - and that's what he said . And honestly- something in me just died .

He was happy to benefit from it . But didn't want to know anything about it .

There must be other ways to sort this without hurting everyone

Why (apart from your inexplicable sentimental attachment to someone who was disengaged to a large extent from you as you went through so much with the babies) do you insist on everyone coming through this as friends?

You need to examine your need to be liked.
You need to examine your determination to be liked by someone who was never available to you as a partner and who has poisoned your children against you.

Your financial and emotional martyrdom here makes painful reading. There are seemingly no lengths you won't go to to abase yourself before this man for doing the bare minimum demanded by human decency.

You respond to abusive accusations from your children with patient explanation when what they want is for you to stand-up straight and tell them that nobody talks to you like that and they can piss off and not let the door hit them on the way out.

And you are suffering from depression but you apparently can't see why or how to deal with it.

The depression is there because your spirit is shouting at you to stand up for yourself and let the chips fall where they may, but you won't listen.

Have you ever had therapy vicar?

Because math the children would disown me . They know nothing really . And the bit I've tried to tell them just made me look like I was trying to excuse my behaviour while victimising dh .
There is no point I telling them anything. And there's less point in making it worse .

I had counselling through work but it was useless- the time I had rewind worked . But more recently it was just like chatting to a mate - no benefit. I called time , I only had one session left anyway as there's a limit now . I do t even know what therapy would help . I don't feel I need it really - I'm ok with everything- sort of at peace with it all - no anger . Just a bit sad but that's natural I suppose.

I know I'm going to sound like a dick here but you're really not ok and all of that is probably going right back to your family of origin. And I say that from experience

How you can paint your ex husband as this wonderful, kind person is beyond me.

He left everything to you, was little or no support either physically or mentally, wasn't interested one iota in the job that you were so proud of, let you pay his debt, has clearly either turned the children against you or at the very least, not told them you were a great mum to them and yet you want him to stay in the house because he's so lovely?

Nah. It's time for you to get angry with how you've been treated and stop being a doormat that your ex and children are treating you as!

Your son lives in a different country and your daughter is moving in to her own home. Where your ex lives should be irrelevant to you, just as your life was irrelevant to him for years.

Yep. I know .

I like you. You were ill the same night I went into hospital with pneumonia and asthma attacks, I was in over a week and thought about you. You are clearly very capable and able and that indeed is your weakness too. Good luck.

thank you x

This.

As women we seem to be programmed to be people pleasers and to want everyone to like us. It’s okay to actually say no to people and for people to not like us. It’s actually healthy.

The nail in the coffin with dh. -
Right I'd spent years trying to juggle money , robbing Peter to pay Paul . Dh was and always has been a complete walkover

Not going to quote your whole post OP but I did read all of it.

I struggle to understand how you can describe this man as kind.

He's passive, disengaged, entitled, uncaring.

You slogged your guts out to get a really good job and he didn't even say he was proud. I know you say rightly this was the last straw but I can't reconcile any of what you say about him to being kind.

PP is right to point out that his passivity is damaging:

*I think you've also mistaken his passive nature for him being 'good' as he's not been angry or shouty. When in fact sometimes 'passive' people are actually just opting out of tough scenarios and difficult choices.

Also that opting out has made you seem to be the bad guy by default: You took action in the vacuum he’d made, now you get the blame for anything not perfect while he says, ‘I didn’t do anything’. That’s right. He probably did nothing.*

You are immensely strong and capable OP. The stuff you've talked about that you've done is impressive. I don't know what's wrong with your family but the picture they have of you is incorrect. You do sound depressed, it would be a good idea to seek help with that I think.

If I was you, I would stand up to her. Maybe not in front of your friend. But tell her exactly what you think. You don’t need to be argumentative but honest.Tell her about lack of money/ hospital everything. You need to put boundaries in place. You need to put the house up for sale and sort your life out. She is an adult as is your ex. You deserve an easier life. It sounds like she needs to calm down and get over it. She has taken her dads side in time she will get over it and hopefully understand. Please start with a solicitor and make steps.

I'm sorry, I think you're being a doormat and could well end up financially extremely badly off. You are entitled to the proceeds of the house and to recoup your money. Why should you live in a rental when you supported him for years? It's very unfortunate that your dd is not happy but were you supposed to suffer in silence forever more just to keep up the appearance of a happy family? I would force the sale of the house, stop punishing yourself for leaving. It isn't up to your ex to tell you you're not entitled to anything-YOU ARE!

You are still looking after his useless ass. What has he won the lottery or something. This is not your responsibility. See someone objective to sort the finances and do not disadvantage yourself. Tell your dd you love her and you want to spend time with her but you are not a punchbag for her to take out her anger on. You will listen if she wants to talk directly about it. Otherwise you will not respond to unpleasant communication because you respect yourself. Tell your dc the truth about why you left your marriage. Be assertive and open hearted but not passive and apologetic. Be like you would want them to be.

I don't know how you can tell us your past with him and then say he's a good egg etc. Quite clearly he's not. He hasn't been a good breadwinner, you have paid his debt, he has kept the house you mainly paid for. He took you in because you still pay for him! He wasn't a good father when they were little and now he talks poison about you to your daughter. A good egg would have helped her to see her mother is a good person not badmouth you needing 50 quid when he has rinsed you for years and years! He's a nasty piece of work tbh.

The finances and your dd are 2 separate things. Your dd doesn't have a say in the finances. In your shoes op I would force a sale, stop feeling guilty for leaving, you're entitled to be happy, you're also entitled to be financially secure and have half the house equity.

Re your dd, stop engaging with her about the divorce, she can have an opinion but stop talking to her about it. If she talks about it just say you're not having this conversation with her, it's between you and her dad.

Also, stop trying so hard, if she's busy you can force her, if she rants at you over text don't respond