I really need some objective advice re dd

[stillvicarinatutu]

I'm going to give the back story so no drip feed .

My dd is 25 , and I have a ds , 31.

My dh and I married at 19 and I left him when I was 42.

I had done everything at home , ds had meningitis and later dx with autism , I did 8 weeks alone in hospital, all the medical appointments, all the home admin , childcare, if the kids were ill it was my job to sort , I worked part time too. Dh worked ridiculously unsocial hours and I spent every single night of the marriage alone . Sex was shit and he has ED .

I left him at 42 , my ds had left home , my dd had started university. I was attracted to a man I worked with, but I wouldn't have an affair , I left in January. I started seeing someone else in March. By this time I had battled to get a full time job that paid because dh earned a pittance. I was the breadwinner and had been for 4 years.

I have no doubt this affected dd deeply although at the time I wasn't thinking straight - I was menopausal, restless, bored and sick of everything.

She dropped uni a year later and went home to her dad and the marital home. I was renting .

She was and is angry with me . I got pg with the man I was seeing at 44, dd seemed excited, but the baby had a fatal chromosome disorder and I terminated mid term which was really hard . My then partner was shit and no support. We weren't living together. We stayed together a short time and lived together for a while but he was increasingly abusive and I left .

I've lived alone for 3.5 years.
The problem is my relationship with dd. It's broken . We were extremely close - now it's strained.

She complains to her father that I don't do enough to see her .
Yet if I try , she's busy , if I say can I call , she's busy , if I ask to meet up , she's busy .

The guilt I felt from leaving means I did nothing about divorce or finances . Dd says since I left , I shouldn't get anything. Her father agrees. I paid 21 years of a mortgage, and I've paid 50k of debt off - mine and dhs- it's taken me 6 years. We had separate IVA and I paid both . (He couldn't afford it- I could )
This means he has stayed in the marital home .
He is now seeing another woman - fine - he is 56 and so is she , no plans to live together or marry etc .
I've now said it's time to divorce and sort finances . He's blown up at me - I left - I should have nothing . That's how he feels , and how my kids feel.
I've said I will not force a sale or make him homeless.
I'm looking at alternative solutions including me buying a park home on retirement so he can keep the house . As long as I aren't renting after retirement- I'm happy . I am currently renting .

I've become great friends with my neighbour and we do a lot for each other . We are spending Xmas day together, and going halves on dinner . She's goi g to be alone with her dd who is autistic, I'd be alone , her dd has asked if I can be there and since me and her mum get together every week anyway , for food and wine , we go out for the occasional drink, go shopping together, stuff mates do ! It's lovely . Her dad has virtually adopted me too ! It's nice .

Dd and ds are with their dad for Xmas day - so they were coming to me Boxing Day .

I've got their presents here to give them then .
Dd wanted a second Xmas dinner . That would be quite expensive and my lovely neighbour and friend suggested we do a big shop , go halves , and do a lovely Boxing Day buffet and have it at hers .

So I text dd asking what she thought.

Text back is horrible. Basically dd is saying "we wanted to see you since you never bother , I do t want to see your friend she isn't part of my life , so just forget it we will just come for an hour in the afternoon. "

I've text back - it was just a suggestion- no problem- we do t have to do that , we can stick to Xmas dinner here etc .

No reply then a curt reply saying stop texting me, I have a life you know , I'm out with (boyfriends parents ) .

I text back - are you free for a call later ?

Nothing back .

Her Xmas list consisted of expensive ugg slippers , she's buying a house so I got her a kettle and toaster, towels, personalised photo frame and Xmas bauble , stuff for her car , I've
Got her boyfriend a brew dog gift set , something for his car ,

I've got ds a silver key ring and a luxury travel wallet, and I'll be getting him some other bits this week .

He can't take much back to Asia with him where he lives . He doesn't carry luggage .

I live alone, I barely make ends meet . I've 2 more payments on dh iva then it's done , and 9 more on mine . I've not had my hair done in over a year , I've not my car serviced for 4 years, I shop at Aldi, -
And yet - I'm still the villain . I can buy the uggs etc , but when I dared suggest Boxing Day buffet with neighbour you'd think I'd suggested selling dds first born to the devil himself .
Now it appears she isnt even speaking to me.

I do not know how to heal this.
My own relationship with my mother is NC and has been for 25 years. I do t want that for me and dd - yet I cannot win . Everything I say , everything I suggest, is met with anger. I suggested counselling- nope.
Her dad is the bees knees of course .

Neither of the kids checked on me recently when I had pneumonia. Dd said she thought I was making it up. An ambulance was sent and I was on a nebuliser. They wouldn't come look after my dogs so I could go to hospital.

What the fuck do I do now ? I hate this . I'm constantly apologising. I'm constantly trying . I've asked her what she wants .
She seems to hate me .
I tried to speak with ds about the house etc and he went straight back to his dad and told him - then he said he does t want to be involved- fair enough.

But I cannot win . The only thing that would satisfy them all is if I go away , ask for nothing out of the house , give everything away , go quietly, rent for life , spend my pension on rent and then claim benefits (this is dh"s suggestion when I asked how I rent after retirement. )

I haven't done anything. I've asked nothing. And they are acting like this now - if I do press for some equity I dread to think what happens then . They barely tolerate me now .

I do not know what to do.

@stillvicarinatutu , hi OP, I read your post a few days ago and really sympathise you. I just saw someone posted the link to this article. Even though, your marriage had nothing to do with ASD, but the pattern over years how your DCs perceived in your interaction with their dad is probably spot on.

I don't have much to suggest. But sympathise you deeply. I do wish you give yourself enough credit to feel less guilty about everything. A marriage is a two way interaction. If someone else is not taking responsibility, you really shouldn't beat yourself up for not being perfect.

With regards to your DD, I genuinely wonder if you make sure you show respect to yourself more stopping being bullied by her, would her attitude change a bit. I don't know. But the way it is now, I can't see how things would improve between you two. Whatever you do out of love, she'd trash it and would never see it from the same angle. Check out what the children observed all these years, and you may understand why she treats you like how she does now.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

It was unbelievably cruel . They loved me and I was the apple of their eye .
When I was banned from seeing them I used to "sneak" off to see them but I always had to lie about it and it was very risky . The awful thing is they and my aunts and uncle who I viewed as my siblings knew I was being abused and felt utterly helpless. The only time I ever saw my gean cry was the day I moved out . I remember her begging my mother to leave me with them . My aunt used to cycle to work and meet me to walk to school every morning, unbeknown to my parents . I lived in my nerves a lot . We always had some excuse ready in case we got caught . I used to dread going home every day because my stepfather was so incredibly violent and erratic with it . If I just said the wrong thing or he asked me a question I never knew how to answer it - I realised in adulthood it didn't matter what I said he would still get violent . He then always used to come to my room to tell me how I'd made him do it and how it made him sick to his stomach blah blah blah . He spat , punched , kicked , (he often used to kick me at the back of the legs which made me fall and I'd be scrambling on my hands and knees trying to get up ) he pulled me hair , twisted my ears , held a carving knife to my throat , spoke to me like dirt , told me I was contemptible, I was 7 when he called me a supercilious little bitch , then he asked me if I knew what it meant , and I said no , and he said "go look it up in a dictionary " . My friends were not allowed in the house and I was not allowed out . He kept concussing me because he always went for the back of my head and he had this bloody huge silver ring with a lions head , his favourite weapon of choice was a cane . I was much slighter than other kids my age , so I was t very robust . He used to give me gristle to eat saying it was the best bit and watch me ball and choke because if he said eat something I had no choice . He had me scurrying about , literally running if he told me to fetch him something, and I used to have to wash his fat little body when he had the occasional bath . He was so full of hate and rage all the time . I learned to walk on eggshells very young . It didn't work . It never worked . Everything he said to me felt like a trap ready to catch me out as an excuse to smack me around . I remember he o ce hit me with a really heavy piece of plastic he had in his hand and my leg went into involuntary spasms and I could t breathe, if he did something like that that was so heavy handed he would panic for a bit but next day it was back to square one . He did the same when he broke two fingers on my left hand when I was 10 . I am left handed and he panicked then. I was told what to say if anyone asked . I lived like that for 9 years.
I literally wanted to die . I remember drinking the contents of the medicine cabinet , and trying to hang myself with a dressing gown chord . I kept a secret journal because it was the only way I could get rid of my feelings of anger and hate , my mother found it and threatened to show him it - she said I could burn it or show him so it went in the fire . He was a sadistic little runt and my mother did t give a shit . He knocked me out once in fron t of her . She walked away .

Now I used to be very proud of the fact I'd raised my kids as I did . And then I broke it all . I thought I'd dealt with my past and put it away. Seems like I had to sabotage myself somewhere along the line . And now I'm just sad . Permanently sad . 🤷🏻‍♀️

Vicar my love you really need good trauma counselling.

I had rewind therapy 10 years ago . Because if I even tried to speak about it I'd start shaking and the words wouldn't come out .
The rewind was good in that it took the emotional response out of the memories.
My grandparents died without me ever going back to them . My aunt who used to meet me every morning died in a car crash .
It's like a bad novel isn't it ?

What you have described is unrelenting, horrific abuse throughout your childhood and early adolescence, and being wrenched from people who loved you. No wonder you are sad, how could you not be?

Surely your other therapy can only be stage one? Mightn’t you be helped with access to more?

Another point to raise is whether your depressed feelings might possibly be being exacerbated by the menopause? Not that that would invalidate all the reasons you have for feeling this way but could explain why you feel so overwhelmed.

Yeah I'm pretty sure the menopause has made me both depressed and temporarily insane. (At least I hope it's temporary. )
I am taking hrt.

I think I have an over riding fear of upsetting or angering people.

I override that at work . How I haven't ever quite worked out .

returntothebasic

Just read your link . Blimey . I wonder if my ex is on the spectrum. My son certainly is . He is diagnosed.

Now I used to be very proud of the fact I'd raised my kids as I did . And then I broke it all . I thought I'd dealt with my past and put it away. Seems like I had to sabotage myself somewhere along the line . And now I'm just sad . Permanently sad

You haven't broken anything Vicar. You are not responsible for everything. From one traumatised person to another, I promise you can heal and recover. You will emerge stronger and freer and your relationships with others will be infinitely better - healthier, stronger, happier.

When you learn to put boundaries in place with others, to stop pouring so much of your soul into every action and word and to stop filling them with your need as much as your love - things will be better, I promise.

And you won't be sad anymore.

What kind of trauma counselling should I try to access?

For gods sake sell the house and take your half so that you can have a decent life!

Get a divorce. It’s over and not your fault how they all feel. I suggest getting to a good place yourself and then continue to keep the door open for your kids. Things can change. Move towards inviting them into your life - and so continue to build your own life. My daughter didn’t speak to me much for a few years because she’d been poisoned against me. Now we’re super close. Let her be responsible for her own feelings; it sounds like anger and every time you defend yourself it’s an excuse to lash out again. All you can do is just make it clear you’ll always be there for her.

Studies show that children visit parents with inheritance more in nursing homes than parents with no money. Your children won’t disown you if you take fair action. Get a solicitor, start divorce proceedings and house yourself. Live your life. Be available for your daughter. She will come back around to you faster than way. The fact is being a martyr so far clearly isn’t working if they are so disparaging of you, you have nothing to lose by taking fair divorce action. Once you get your act together and stop being, dare I say it, a bit pathetic about ignoring your own needs in favour of everyone elses, you might find that you gain their respect once more and can have a healthy adult relationship with your children. Your husband sounds awful and needs to sort himself out.

Trauma counselling is just trauma counselling.

The point about the finances is really about how you are willing to be treated badly. You’d rather live in a park home than have your DH living in a flat? So that they don’t dislike you more?

This is all wrong. And I know because I’ve been there. When your child acts like they despise you it’s easy to become desperate for it to not get any worse. But by allowing this, you reinforce being treated badly! Your daughter is an adult and you can only do so much. Have some self respect and sell the damn house. You helped pay for that, no? Just because you left does not mean you deserve any of this.

She doesn't act like she despises me - it's sort of sporadic fits of resentment.

I'm sorry if people think I'm being pathetic, but I do owe my dh something. I can't help feeling like that . Our house is only worth 150k. It wouldn't fund two flats . I will take legal advice but I would not see him homeless. He wouldn't see me homeless. Maybe staying friends is a stretch but I want to be fair . I think there was a point I could have gone back to him but something still didn't feel right - I think I was with him out of obligation and while I did genuinely love him it wasn't romantic love . And I think I was a convenience to him . We certainly didn't make sparks fly but we did ok together, and I find it very difficult to turn my back or be ruthless towards someone I've known for 34 years and who was kind to me when I had nothing and no one else . I know people will judge me for that and think it's some sort of weakness but I have to be able to live with myself too.
I'm really sorry if that looks pathetic but it's how I feel . I think if push came to shove he would always have my back to some degree. He wasn't perfect but he is kind and he did accept me flaws and all . No one else has and in all honesty I dont think anyone else could . My dd is harder than I am , and I know she judges me, but she's a lovely person, she just doesn't take any shit . My ds is just a sweet lad who'd rather stay out of it . I do feel they both think their dad is the wronged party . And as a family unit it really did work - there were no apparent cracks that they ever saw so it must have come as a hell of a shock for them that I left . I still question myself . We would have just been at the point we had some disposable income and could have concentrated a bit more on us . I do feel I have some pre designated tendency to self destruct anything that's good . I was a ticking bomb . I just wish I hadn't hurt people.

What exactly is your question OP?

"He wasn't perfect but he is kind and he did accept me flaws and all . No one else has and in all honesty I dont think anyone else could ."

This is the bit you need to work on.

Your self esteem is non existent.

The question was how I improve my relationship with dd.

Sorry if I'm boring you you can scroll past .

"I do feel I have some pre designated tendency to self destruct anything that's good"

because you don't think you deserve it?

Math
That's true. I hate myself. I can hardly look in a mirror. I'm ashamed. I'm sick of myself.

You need to find a way out of that darkness.

It comes from your childhood.

Thing is I tho if he I had put it behind me and got on with a good life . With great kids and a decent man (if a slightly useless one)

Now I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me and I'm left feeling bewildered and trying to analyse what the fuck happened. And the truth is I don't know. I can't explain my actions.

Why do you think I am bored just because I ask you what your question is?

On the contrary I am very interested. It’s just that reading through your post and then your subsequent comments it seems to me you are contradicting yourself in places.

There’s also a lot of information about your situation and I can empathise with that. So your question is how to improve the relationship with your daughter. There’s a lot of other info too which you wouldn’t have included if it wasn’t relevant.

My question: I’m wondering in what ways do you see these things as relating to your relationship with your daughter?

Try to imagine yourself back before this man was ever in your life, back when you were desperate to leave home.

That's where you're stuck. I suspect your life is going around in circles, returning to that point cyclically.

It's important to interpret your current distress and depression as a cry to break free from the cycle.

Don't drown the distress with wine any more. Sit with it and feel it. There is something inside you that wants to start again, to shake off all the baggage and build yourself up again.

You are not going to find the peace you need in the relationships you have with the people you are trying so hard to connect with. You have to look inside your own self for that.

I think my entire existence is flawed.
And for years - from the day I had my first child at 19 - I thought I had this all in the bag . I was never goi g to repeat the mistakes of my past . I was going to be a good mum. Even my gp told me I'd taken to motherhood like falling off a log . I was proud . And I had an identity. And I fulfilled it and was good at it.
And now its all gone wrong and it's my doing . And I cannot forgive myself. Ive allowed a distance to develop between myself and dd which I truly never thought could happen. I know she does love me but I think she hates what I did. And I dont blame her . It's like I went completely blind to all the emotional pain I caused . I ploughed on regardless.
My kids are honestly the only people in the world that matter to me . And I hurt them . And I know what that feels like . And im ashamed of myself.