Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you date a man who has gone to a strip club?

188 replies

CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/12/2022 21:08

That’s pretty much it.

I’ve been asked out by a friend (man) and I’m not sure if I feel that way about him, he’s nuce enough and I was thinking about it.
But then I remembered how he has said he’s been in some strip clubs in his time.
He seemed pretty happy about those memories, but it just gives me gross feeling.

I know everyone has different standards, but I’m a feminist type, and I don’t think it’s going to be something I’ll be okey with.

It’s a bad idea, right?

OP posts:
theswoot · 16/12/2022 21:52

I couldn’t get worked up about this, but then I am not ideologically opposed to strip clubs. It is OK for this to be like for you, but I don’t think you can necessarily extrapolate that much about his character from this one thing.

blueshoes · 16/12/2022 21:54

spookymarmite · 16/12/2022 21:14

I think this is the crazy paranoid poster with a name change, the one who yesterday and today was posting about looking up the location of strip clubs near her boyfriends hotel.

I thought of her immediately. Looking for supply for her paranoia and obsessions.

gannett · 16/12/2022 21:57

I've been to a strip club multiple times, used to have a friend who worked in one. I don't think DP has been to one though I haven't exactly quizzed him about it, because I don't especially care.

What's more important than whether they've been to a strip club is what they think about them. The most important thing for me is that they have respect for strippers and sex workers as human beings - yes, this includes not being an enthusiastic leering punter, but that's also a test that plenty of people who've never been to strip clubs wouldn't pass. Including half of MN.

FWIW it seems to be pretty common among men to have an epiphany about how grim strip clubs can be once they've actually gone, and realised it's not the airbrushed sexy glamorous image they had in their heads.

theswoot · 16/12/2022 21:58

I meant to say “it’s OK for this to be a line for you” above!

stevalnamechanger · 16/12/2022 21:59

I'm a feminist type and yes I could as long as they haven't paid for private dances and gone outside of stag do etc

catsonahottinroof · 16/12/2022 22:03

I might if they'd been once due to feeling obliged (on a stag do or something). Not sure, but anymore than that and I would be put off them a) for being a sleaze and b) I'd think they were a bit thick.

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 22:04

CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/12/2022 21:37

Well, yeah.
That’s pretty smart.

Show quote history

So no one can ever learn from a mistake? Change their mind? Do something differently?

are you happy for all the things you’ve done in your life to be held up as example as of how you will behave in future? No scope for learning or growth?

Mischance · 16/12/2022 22:05

You are entitled to have your own standards. If going to a strip club falls below that standard, then steer clear. It has noting to do with what anyone else thinks, including posters on Mumsnet.

been and done it. · 16/12/2022 22:05

Cheesecheeserson · 16/12/2022 21:11

Does not bode well for how he’ll treat you and approach the relationship. Studies show that men who engage in prostitution are more likely to rape.

Are you saying all girls who work in strip joints are prostitutes?

Original poster
CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/12/2022 22:10

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 22:04

So no one can ever learn from a mistake? Change their mind? Do something differently?

are you happy for all the things you’ve done in your life to be held up as example as of how you will behave in future? No scope for learning or growth?

Show quote history

Hhhmmh, fair question.

No, I’m not happy with all the things I’ve done, and I guess other person (or me) could never know if I’d find myself in that place again.

And even though I think it was a fair question, mine past mistakes didn’t objectify or exploite others or continue a long history of oppressing others.
So I don’t think it right to say that all mistakes are on the same level.

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 16/12/2022 23:03

Cheesecheeserson · 16/12/2022 21:11

Does not bode well for how he’ll treat you and approach the relationship. Studies show that men who engage in prostitution are more likely to rape.

Quite an extrapolation there... i saw my Dad glance at page 3 for a couple of seconds back in the 80s... does it follow that he's a clear and present danger to my kids?

Janesmom · 16/12/2022 23:05

Jeez.. some of the PP clearly live in a parallel universe. So what if the poor man went to a strip club once? Hardly makes him a threat to womenkind!

Original poster
CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/12/2022 23:08

Poor man?
Seriously?

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 23:16

CantAskAnyoneElse · 16/12/2022 23:08

Poor man?
Seriously?

I agree, poor man

hung drawn and quartered for something he did in the past. You’ve made no mention at off what he currently thinks, what he’s said he’d do in the future, any of that.

Ponderingwindow · 16/12/2022 23:18

It may be my age or demographic, but I would be hard pressed to find a man who hasn’t been to a strip club at least once. There was a point in time where they were the standard outing for stag-dos.

I even attended hen nights with strippers. I was never enthusiastic about it, but it was just incredibly common for one to show up at the house we all met at before going to a bar. I didn’t have one at mine.

the real question is does he attend strip clubs for general recreation or was it something he got pressured to do with a group? if you tell him it’s a hard limit for you on a relationship, does he try to argue or simply agree he can abide? He may not have given the issue much though my in the past, but is he willing to learn?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/12/2022 23:19

My DH has been to one whilst we were going out. Someone bought him a dance and he said he felt bored and uncomfortable. It's not black and white you know. I've been to a 'ladies night' and it made me feel pretty uncomfortable but he didn't dump me over it. Gosh.

CountZacular · 16/12/2022 23:21

Ha, I’m also laughing at the ‘poor man’ in a strip club comment. Spare me.

It’s your boundaries and you get to chose what you are comfortable with. I think as someone said upthread it would depend on their attitude to strip clubs now. Do they view them for what they are or do they still think it’s just ‘innocent’ fun?

Saying that, I’d personally not want to date someone who has been in one. I accept other women may feel differently and that’s fine too.

Lcb123 · 16/12/2022 23:21

if odd visits, wouldn’t bother me. I’ve been to a strip show in Benidorm! At least he’s honest

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/12/2022 23:21

Also we both went to them in Thailand

Newusernameaug · 16/12/2022 23:24

It’s an interesting question as I’ve been to strip clubs in the past (as a straight female).

However I’d never go to one now.
I wouldn’t date anyone who went to them.

I would judge their current opinion.
I wouldn’t judge their past behaviour.

HeadNorth · 16/12/2022 23:24

I wouldn't go there myself - I think all the men I know/am related to have not been to a strip club. It really is not as common as certain posters on Mumsnet would have you believe. To me, it is the sure sign of a sexist creep and I know I can do better - I am sure you can too.

Newusernameaug · 16/12/2022 23:25

Oh and I actually had some great nights in strip clubs too!
I do have fun memories of that whole hedonistic time of my life, living in London and trying out a wide variety of scenes.

HeadNorth · 16/12/2022 23:27

Ponderingwindow · 16/12/2022 23:18

It may be my age or demographic, but I would be hard pressed to find a man who hasn’t been to a strip club at least once. There was a point in time where they were the standard outing for stag-dos.

I even attended hen nights with strippers. I was never enthusiastic about it, but it was just incredibly common for one to show up at the house we all met at before going to a bar. I didn’t have one at mine.

the real question is does he attend strip clubs for general recreation or was it something he got pressured to do with a group? if you tell him it’s a hard limit for you on a relationship, does he try to argue or simply agree he can abide? He may not have given the issue much though my in the past, but is he willing to learn?

Obviously we move in different circles because I don't know any men who went to a strip club on their stag night or any women who had a stripper at their hen night. What is normal for some is not necessarily normal. It would be a hard no for me for strippers of any sex.

dolor · 16/12/2022 23:35

Good look finding a bloke who hasn't looked at adult material/been to a strip club/variations thereof.

Here's the thing - men aren't going to be chaste creatures who behave impeccably behind closed doors when they're alone and single. If they do if when they're not single that's one thing, but when they're not with anyone? As much as it puts some women off which is entirely reasonable, they're allowed to do the whole self pleasure thing, and that includes going to strip clubs, and watching porn.

If they're honest about it, then obviously you can make your own decisions from there, but it's not going to be easy finding one who doesn't do any of that.

Emmamoo89 · 16/12/2022 23:36

Wouldn't bother me