DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

This. Weird those who don’t. What exactly is so private about the post.

My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Presumably your visions didn't involve you getting PND either though? That's not meant to be mean, but just a reminder that things not working out how we intended is just life. When it goes off the rails the things that hold us together are our support networks - partners, families, friends.

From your latest update it does sound like you're going to support him, which is great. One thing thatI don't think has been covered is whether he's happy in his career/industry/company. From what you said about how ruthless they are, this could be an opportunity to move into a better role or a more supportive company, or even rethink his entire career if that's one of the things making him unhappy.

Big career decisions often seem daunting, especially if there's an element of financial worry, but I've known so many cases (including in my career) where something falls through and seems like the end of the world, but was actually an opportunity that led to better things. And I have to credit DP and friends for being there for me at that time and enabling me to see the opportunity.

You say it's "his fault"; I'd take that to mean that his employer's expectations are reasonable and he's capable of fulfilling them. Why, then, are you so convinced that he WILL be fired? If he CAN behave as his employer demands, isn't it likely that he WILL do so in order to keep the job, at least for now?

The fact that you each routinely open all the mail makes this relatively easy - just tell/show him that it arrived and you've seen it, and see what he says. Try to approach it calmly and be supportive, as long as he's being reasonable about it. Let him tell you what's been going on from his point of view before you jump in with any beliefs about what will happen or questions that assume he's leaving. He'll know the ins and outs of his workplace better than you and probably has much more information than what's reflected in the package.

(Also, he may not have known they'd send something to his home address. I have to give these types of warnings in my job from time to time and the paperwork is always signed in person and the employee handed a copy at the time, unless it's a fully remote working situation.)

From your description, his employer is looking for any reason to get rid of him, some firms do this regularly. I doubt whether there are major problems with his work or attitude. Give him a hug, have a chat about looking for new job roles and enjoy your holidays. In 12 month’s time, you’ll remember this and feel happy he’s moved on.

I can swear however much I fucking well want. Who is trying to police who now? I posted on a relationship board to offer a support to an op. You just told her she was being unreasonable for opening his post and then got your posts deleted for personal attacks. Sooooooo

Would you be open to both going pt op? It worked well for me and my DP. He loved being at home with DS when he was a baby.

Sounds like he's being an asshole to me. If he was that worried about you then when he got the previous warnings he would have changed his behaviour. He should know that the last thing you need when you're struggling with PND is him losing his job. It sounds like he's been there years so it's not as if he can't do the job.

When adults lie to other adults it is generally to protect themselves IME. I wouldn't be going in with a hug and a cuppa like he's the victim here personally.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam you can swear at me all you want - and I am entitled to express my opinion on the OP's behaviour. Please allow other people to have their own opinions, even though they differ from yours.

If you'd have read the thread you'd have known that your opinion was literally completely and utterly pointless in this case.

Your first post offered absolutely nothing to the thread.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I am entitled to express my opinion.

You do know you're not his boss right?

If an important letter came addressed to my DH, I would open it too. NHS, HMRC, DVLA, all that kind of stuff is either good news or bad news. I’d open and then ring him at work to tell him what it says.

OP I would tell him you’ve read it and be there for him. Just have a frank chat and ask what’s been happening at work. Be attentive and listen to what he says. Don’t talk about your job, and maternity pay etc, just let him talk.

But why did you feel the need to put

You opened his post? YABVU

When the op didn't ask if she was being unreasonable and she'd already stated her and her DP open each others post?

If she'd have started a thread saying 'AIBU to open my DPs post' then knock yourself out.

I'm not replying again. You're still adding nothing to this thread and me responding to your blathering is just derailing it further.

Have a lovely evening

You mentioned he didn't have a union rep in the meetings with him, but is he a member of a union? If so, they may be able to help him negotiate a neutral reference from the employer separately to the disciplinary.

In some industries, it would also be fine for him to use references from his previous employer (depending on how long he was in the job for)- as people don't always want their current employer to know they are job hunting.

It can all be very industry specific, so it may be helpful to give us a clue as to the sort of place where he works. But if he is in a union, he should definitely use them in the future- even if he doesn't have a rep at work, there's usually a regional office who can support. If he's not in a union, now might be the time to join, to give him a little more protection.

I do agree with those saying "attitude" is very nebulous- if they have decided they want him out, then it's something that may be hard to disprove. I'd want to hear his side of it.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I am entitled to comment on the OP's behaviour. It's your 'blathering' that is adding nothing to the thread. Take care.

@onefedupmum isn’t your suggested way of talking him infantilising though? Nobody should be speaking to another adult like that.

Wow. Whatever happened to supporting your partner? People get warnings at work, lose jobs, get made redundant, resign - it’s all part of life.
In my day job I’m involved with such warning meetings every week. People on final warnings aren’t bad people. I’d never imagine they’d go home and have their partner leave them.
Honestly if I had a disciplinary at work I wouldn’t even probably tell my partner IF they are pregnant and need to avoid stress. They can be appealed and expire, so may be he was waiting to tell you after appeal outcome.
It’s really not a big deal. If he resigned or was dismissed, would you break up with him? Jobs come and go, people that love one another stick around.

You don't know the full story. Sometimes they just have it in for you and there's nothing you can do. Make sure you hear his side.

I guess it's time for a new plan. He takes unpaid paternity leave, you go back to work full time. He looks for new job while on leave? You go part time after your second? You might even find your PND improves when you go back to work.

I think you partner should visit his GP and get signed off with depression and look for another job.

I think if this was the other way round and your partner was controlling the finances, refusing to get married so that you didn’t have a stake in the family home, opening your mail and getting upset with you that they couldn’t go part time after taking all the parental leave you’d be getting told to ltb.

Good grief. What a boring contribution

If I would you, I'd reframe 'confront' as ask him. You are making a lot of assumptions that may not be correct. He wouldn't be the first person to be harshly treated by managers with an agenda ,(face doesnt fit, avoiding redundancy, prefer someone else in the role, he's irritated them) and there is always something they can find it they need to. If any of this is true, he's going to need you in his corner, so the last way to start is on an accusatory note. Give him a chance to tell his story and go from there. At the moment you have scanty one sided information, so don't join the dots.

He should fight the disciplinary by letting them know about how he’s been supporting you and get the Union involved if he has to.

not something to break up over especially as he just didn’t want to worry you!

Do think it’s weird post not being private even if you are together and have a baby….

On the disciplinary/final warning… it probably does make sense for him to be the one in control by finding another job and resigning, rather than an employer initiated termination. His next employer won’t ask about previous internal warnings etc I wouldn’t have thought - unless his standard reference says ‘employer initiated’ and they might ask why. His company will likely be looking for an opportunity to dismiss, but it is just about possible to turn it around as attitude/checking phone/time keeping are all very fixable. However, a new job is a new start, lots of people eff up in jobs and then thrive in the next one that has a better culture/fit. I’d be supportive of him getting out of the company and make some temporary adjustments to your plans. Maybe say to your work you would like to go part time when you’re able to so they know that’s your intention.

Op says it didnt say no final warning shes just guessing although it usually would have a conclusion unless they havent decided yet

id talk to him find out whats going on andhow hes feeling-he cant just be on his phone though just because hes worried youve fallen-he shold just wait till his break to phone you