DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

I scrolled down to post the text below & caught sight of some recent comments.

’time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.’

My first thoughts is that he is struggling with work, that he may have well managed before, because he is highly anxious & preoccupied with his understandable concerns for you & his family, particularly after the fall that you have just mentioned.

Please do not underestimate the trauma & associated anxieties for him after your fall down the stairs. PTSD, anxiety & possible clinical depression may affect his concentration & all round cognitive grip, accounting for mistakes & errors of judgement.

Right now & certainly before Christmas, I suggest that the one thing he does do is see or speak with his GP urgently to discuss his mental health. His worries about your health, your forthcoming baby, supporting your mental health, CoL AND most urgently the impact on his capabilities at work are enough to discuss as a priority with his GP.

Has he told his managers at work what has happened to you during your pregnancies, & your need for support? Are they aware of the pressure he is under?

If he keeps quiet about his situation, then he cannot account for his changed behaviours at work nor can they help him. Has he got a union rep?

If he is on a performance or managed exit process, the relevant working days are still counted over Christmas, so do not delay seeing the GP for an assessment & support.

He needs your support right now.
Consider your working options at another time.

Bloody hell. This place is mental sometimes. Whether you opened the post or he told you, the position you are in is the same.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt. You had PND he didn't want to add to your difficulties.

Is his salary significant or can he pick up the same salary handy enough? What are his skills? Is he easily employable?

If he can get a new job easlily, probably no harm to get searching now. If not,then he needs to cop on & hang on to the one he has.

It's only a problem if he can't/won't improve or if he won't look for another job. It's displinary for laziness. At least it's not fraud, sexual harassment, racism etc.

Keep it in context, no blame games & plan a solution together.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.
Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

I don't think he will necessarily lose his job, but it's a warning.

It's common on here for women to say men should shoulder housework and night feeds after a full day at work. This proves that it can prove too much sometimes. It sounds like he has been doing too much to be honest and needs a break.

@NotSorry Yawn. So glad you have nothing better to do with your time than police other people's posts

Yeah, she's on maternity leave and apparently upset that she now can't work three days on her return.

Having had maternity leave and asked a lot of her partner during, it shouldn't matter which parent is home with a child if that's the priority

I'm in the 'don't open another person's mail' camp.

But in a funny kind of way, it's probably a good thing that you did in this Instance (aside from the fact that it's obviously a good thing because it's something you and he both agree on). You seem to have talked yourself down from your initial fury and catastrophising and now sound much more supportive. You seem to be of the attitude that you and he will get through this together as a team. I'm sure that attitude will be helpful to him and he might also be relieved that it's out in the open.

Talk to him as an equal. Listen to him. Ask him how he's feeling and if he's still worrying about you. Reassure him. Be his rock.

Hmm, if it’s a final written warning then they want him out, they’re just going through correct procedure. I’d say it’s a matter of time for him and he needs to look for another job pronto.

As for the ‘confronting’ etc, it’s difficult. He’s probably been shielding you, but I totally get why you’re angry. I think you need to take time for that to subside before you have a chat and ask him what’s been happening, in a supportive way. Hopefully there is a way forward here. I know you feel let down, but sounds like things have been hard for you both lately - maybe try to have the same compassion for him that he has shown to you.

I think You’ve had some terrible first replies on this thread tbh! Ok it was his letter but the bigger issue here is him keeping this from you… keep calm - he hasn’t lost his job yet and he may well not! I would have a chat and see what his stance on it is. If he’s not fais le of doing what they’ve asked perhaps he’ll take the initiative to look for a new job without you saying anything.. I get that you feel v vulnerable on mat leave - I did too. You feel reliant on your partner and he may let you down in what was planned and expected but keep calm as you aren’t quite there yet!! Good luck xxx

“his fault though”.

I think you need to be realistic about the impact of a new baby and a wife with PND.

Says the one who comes on a post and tells someone they're being unreasonable when they didn't ask that question?

You earlier said of his employer
"I know his organisation is very ‘sack’ happy as over the years he’s told me about quite a few people who’ve been let go for various issues. They are target and profit centred and quite ruthless."

'Attitude' is quite nebulous, as accusations go. Hard to disprove, isn't it? I mean, what 'evidence' of attitude can they have? Someone didn't like the tone of voice he used? He rolled his eyes? Or - did he? Unless they have concrete examples of it, provable examples, I'd be wondering if this "quite ruthless" organisation just finds it a convenient mud to sling.

He may not have been either mean or moody to others.

Sounds like you've both been going through a hard time - firstly virtual hugs to your family!

Are you able to suggest the possibility of him being a stay at home parent and you going back full time or is that not feasible for your situation? Just my idea that might make him feel supported by you 🙂.

I hope it all goes ok for you this evening x

@Cantstandbullshit i think @OatFox read this like me- OP is not his mum and doesn’t get to tell him what to do re his career and job. He’s an adult, those are his decisions to make, not hers for him. It’s the opposite to what you suggest (re being more like a ‘surrendered’ wife) I agree with @OatFox

LOL @AllThingsServeTheBeam the Chief of Thread Police speaks, again, and again etc 😂

Can’t believe the shit you’re getting for opening his mail like that’s the problem here. My husband & I frequently open each others Mail too. It’s no big deal in many relationships.

Well someone wants you to shut up. Your the one with the deleted posts 👍😉

Excuse me, I posted way before the update, as did several other posters.

I posted again when I was told it isn't illegal to open other people's post because of course it's illegal. You can't just open other people's letters whenever you feel like it.

And who died and made you the Thread Police?

I think you need to step up for him here in a massive way. This is what partnership or marriage is.

I understand you’re reeling and thinking through the implications but right now there’s an actual living breathing person who needs some unconditional support.

Judging him for his attitude at work when you don’t even know what that actually means (it’s very often a catch all gotcha in evaluations) is a bit shitty. He doesn’t need you to organise or manage him if tell him what he should have done or said. It’s always easier to shout from the stands than fight in the arena and you need to respect that he’s doing his best to keep a LOT of plates spinning right now.

The best thing you can do for your family and relationship is be a safe landing for his bad news. Because next time he’s more likely to come to you sooner and open communication is the key to everything. Don’t shut that down now with judgement, or by telling him what to do.

All those things you’re worrying about haven’t happened. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But right now what has happened is what you need to address. Focus on listening.

*you're

Are you not more concerned about why he hasn't talked to you. You mentioned PND, but that doesn't excuse him not communicating on a day-to-day level.

If he's on a final warning, then he's already had numerous letters, meetings etc and he's kept all of this from you and that's not good no matter how you look at it.

Totally agree. This man sounds a bit burned out.

Well someone wants you to shut up
LOL well I wonder who that might be 🙄 You really need to get a new hobby aside from swearing at and attacking people on MN

Came on here to say the same thing - it's perfectly normal for people in a good, well-balanced, relationship to open each other's post. In fact, I think the MN attitude that post addressed to your partner is sacrosanct is ridiculous. And in this particular case, it's completely irrelevant to the point of the thread and the OP's current dilemma.

@BlessedandStressed1 Does his employer know the situation at home?
That you had a fall when pregnant, then a C section and that he’s been supporting you through this?

I know menfolk can be a bit stubborn “I can handle it all and don’t need any help and it’s nobody else’s business – I can cope” at times, but it might help him if he makes them aware of these extenuating circumstances because we can all get snappy when we’ve got a lot on our plates.

If his employer has a little insight into the change in his behaviour they may be able to work together and agree a more compassionate way forward.

All the best this evening, he might be relieved to look for another job.