DP is secretly being disciplined at work but I’ve found out

[BlessedandStressed1]

Together 5 years and I’m on maternity leave with our first baby. I’m due to go back after Christmas.

So as the title says really. Today I have just had the post through and a bulky letter arrived sent ‘signed for’. Very formal.
I opened it and it’s a letter about a disciplinary hearing that has happened 2 weeks ago with DP at work for misconduct but no outcome is in it but I’ve gathered he has a final warning as a result.

The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude.

DP has not once mentioned any of this to me. I am currently on maternity and am at the ‘unpaid’ point which means I’ll be getting 0 this payday.

I’m at a loss as to what to do really. I don’t even feel angry surprisingly more worried about the future if he loses his job with COL.

I know why DP hasn’t mentioned it. I’ve suffered PND which I’ve been medicated for whilst also receiving counselling. I’ve had a lot going on and regular tears which he’s been a rock for. I honestly believe he didn’t want to cause me any further stress and risk me having some kind of mental break.

Im guessing him coming home from work after being told he was being disciplined to me in tears and stressed out made he feel he couldn’t also drop that on me too.

Hes a very hands on dad and comes home to completely take over, cook tea, do bath time etc.

However reading the report he HAS to be a model employee or will be sacked. If I’m honest I think it’s the beginning of the end.
So when I confront him I might tell him to start looking for a new job?

I wanted to go back 3 days and with his salary that would have been perfect and very affordable but now it looks unlikely to be a decision I’ll make and this is what really breaks my heart.
My baby not being with me or her dad 5 days a week. I know many do it but that was never my vision before even getting pregnant. We’d discussed plans for our family when TTC with me working part time and having another baby next year to have them close.
All visions are now falling apart in front of me.

Im also worried about DP carrying all this. He was in a sad mood over the weekend and now I know why. His fault though.

what do I do?

It is possible but it’s very difficult when you get to final warning, that’s likely being going on for quite some time I’d put good money there has been a performance improvement plan in place and he’s had other warnings if this is the last

i also don’t get the whole poor man is on his knees narrative, many of us work and are parents,the op said she’s coping well, so the fact he’s not doing his job rights being rude and messing around on his phone is about him,

in my experience sometimes when someone starts failing they resent being told it. And start to effectively give up, it’s a fuck uou basically

It is illegal actually.

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2000/26/part/V/crossheading/offences-of-interfering-with-the-mail#:~:text=(3)A%20person%20commits%20an,been%20incorrectly%20delivered%20to%20him.

I am a manager. And a caring one. So I would first seek to understand what the real issues are behind the behaviour and what I could do to support. Of course it's a different matter if appropriate support is put in place but the behaviour continues....

Some absolute weirdos on here. They get worse

So we have a bloke here who's on a final warning because he's basically acting like I imagine a teenager might act doing a Saturday job... turning up late and being on his phone?!

That being said, I'd be kind to him but firm. He owes you an explanation

You need to read my post again. Can you quote where I said there was an issue? No? Sit the fuck down and chill the fuck out.

You’ve both got several options.
You work f/t as the larger earner, he works p/t and does p/t childcare.
You both work p/t and share childcare.
DP works f/t in his current job irl new job, you work p/t to start and work up to f/t when baby is ready for full time day care.
Maybe he hates his job, maybe he was very worried about your PND, maybe he was just juggling too many balls.
No point in blaming, have a discussion and move forward with a workable plan you’ve both agreed on.

I suspect there is a reason he didn't tell you about the work issue. Maybe he thinks you will ditch him, judge, criticise etc. All good reasons not to mention it in many ways.

Good lord, it’s not illegal to opens someone’s mail with their consent. Gp and start your own thread, and stop derailing this one.

I have to admit I agree with this. OP says The things mentioned are stupid things such as time keeping, being on his phone and making mistakes as well as general attitude. All of which can be a consequence of dealing with difficulties at home and being a bit overwhelmed by life. I must admit that when my husband went through a bad period of depression I was so worried about him and focused on supporting him, that I was really stressed myself and certainly wasn't on the ball with work (luckily I work for a great company and understanding boss)

It sounds like things have been difficult for both of them, so talking about things like it being 'his fault' seems really quite harsh

It sounds to me as though he has been distracted and worried about you - OpI think he should go to the Gp(if he can get an appointment!!) and have a talk with them it sounds like he is stressed and anxious - I would suggest a letter from his gp might undermine the warning and maybe help both of you. Aka carers partners of people whose mental or physical health is not good DO suffer stress and it is often not recognized, this does not mean that you are responsible its just a case of one person who cares about another worries about them at such times. Just as you care and worry about him

Leave him alone. He's had to be a 'rock',you're not earning and he's been caught out not giving 100% at work and protected you from the knowledge.

You shouldn't have opened his mail, you certainly shouldn't confront him and it's not up to you to tell him to look for another job.

Why don't you do a full time job and let him look after the baby, if you're actually bothered.

As an employer, we only issue final warnings/disciplinary procedures when we've had enough and want to end someone's employment. So chances are that's all but lost his job in technicality, so it may be an idea for him to resign in return for a decent reference.

It's all very well being calm and supportive but disciplinaries don't just happen ..... I'd want him to take account for his behaviour here at the very least.

Ffs she’s on maternity.

We were married for 53 years years and I don't think I ever opened a letter addressed to him and vice versa, we might have said Open it but would never have so presumptous.

Wow. So you've been a wreck with PND which isn't your fault. He's been "a rock" working full time then coming home to pick up the pieces of you, the house and being a dad. And his mental health has slipped so much due to all the stress he's had to cope with with no support and now you want to blame him for what has happened? You're absolutely right, you must leave him now, end the relationship, and give him a chance of meeting someone who deserves "a rock" and thinks that being a partner is about more than sharing the bills and supporting you worst he gets kicked in the balls the minute he takes short of your exacting standards.

Or you could stop making this all about you and recognise that you aren't the only one who had had a tough time and he needs a partner not a judge and jury.

I agree with WhatTheHellIsAQuasar

I had quite a lot of sympathy with you OP - up until this post.

Your DH has been supporting you through PND , he has been caring for you, adjusting to life with a new baby and also full time work- he is entitled to have shit days himself, and may well find he has some unresolved depression/anxiety as a result.

I have supported my DH through severe PTSD, and almost dying, and it is absolutely fucking relentless and soul destroying, and I was perfectly justified in having my own shit days.

And if my DH had posted what you have just posted complaining about me being rude to people and needing to nip it in the bud he would have quite rightly been told to get a fucking grip of himself.

I think @Quveas said it all perfectly.

Sounds like you’ve both been through a tough time. Good luck tonight OP. This is quite a buoyant jobs market so helping your DP find a new job could be more straightforward than you think. He may just need a fresh start. And as for your plans unravelling a little - it may be difficult for a while but at least you have some options. Hopefully you can reviews things in a few months and make changes to suit you all at that point.

Jesus it would be good if people at least read the OPs posts. She’s seen she might have been a bit harsh and panicked in her initial reaction and she’s going to greet him with empathy and support when he gets home she says (or words to that effect).

OP - Your husband sounds like a good man who maybe has been overwhelmed with a new baby and unfortunately doesn’t have a terribly supportive workplace if they have a rep for being quite ruthless. The attitude thing could be a result of the workplace culture rather than him per se. Best to have an honest chat and show support, plus it sounds like a stressful place to work so perhaps he should start job hunting. Hope your chat tonight goes well.

I think you’ll be fine. You are clear headed and sensible. The updates you’ve given us sound like the right thing to do and a logical mindset puts it all in perspective. Let us know how it goes. Financial uncertainty adds to the stress but handling it calmly with a supportive action plan is excellent way to go.

This is “relationships” board so YABVU

Honestly I know this is harsh and believe me I have been where you are with PND and unfortunately it’s highly likely it’s affecting his ability to do well at work. He’s probably tired, stressed, worried about you and the baby and exhausted from carrying so much at home. My DH suffered from some of this as my mental state put so much pressure and strain on him. Do you message him or ring at work? At the time I couldn’t see it but it’s actually really difficult for both of you. I thought his life was easy compared to mine but I was putting vast amounts of pressure on him without realising. Cut him some slack and try to see GP if you can to get a plan in place. Think about how you can help work wise as it will help you build a secure future

But that’s you - how does your post support the OP? This board is relationships people - support for the OP would be nice rather than a kicking

Not being very supportive here, are you? Yes you’re out of the fog but he’s clearly still traumatised from the experience, with lingering anxiety. He needs help too.
As pp suggested, maybe he can take some sahp time off work, if he so desires.

Not wanting to add more to you, but are the issues mentioned in the letter revolving around your MH since you had the baby? Has he been late or distracted checking his phone etc out of worrying about you? If so, get him to be honest with his employer, they may cut him some slsvk going forwards. I hope you feel better soon and get to the bottom of things. Don't give up on your vision, he may find a better job with a bit of a push