Can't get over DH not wanting more children

[funder]

Hi,

We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me.

How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

@sheepdogdelight true, but it's not all decisions though. It's a child that is the topic of discussion I think to be fair if someone wanted to walk because they felt their urge was so strong then I think it's reasonable. Just like it's reasonable for OPS dh.

It's easier said than done though.

How do you explain to a child that they weren't good enough for you so you had to break up their home and drag them through the pain and upheaval of divorce because you absolutely needed another baby? What is it about a second that your existing child simply cannot provide you with?

@whimsical1975 would a third child have stopped the longing for another child?

Those who have advised (or a planning to themselves) to break up their marriage for their need for another child are not considering the child they already have. Can imagine how impressed child will be that their mum broke up their family just so she can have a sperm donor child

And what implication that realisation would have on the relationship between siblings... and the self esteem issued caused by understanding that you weren't enough for your mother and her broodiness was more important to her than your happiness...

You learn to live with it or you become a single parent.

No I wouldn’t say that because those things are not the same.

Why do people ever have more than one child then? Why do people have two, three, four children if, actually, one child should always be enough? There's nothing wrong with 'one and done', clearly, but neither is there anything wrong with wanting another child.

And if it's likely to poison your relationship longterm that you thought your partner was in the same page as you and actually they're not, then I don't think it's selfish to leave... you're just speeding up the inevitable. Leave now and have a chance of having another child or let the resentment fester until there isn't anything left to save of the relationship anyway.

Having more kids within your existent family is a whole different scenario than breaking your family apart to have more. Don't be disingenuous.

Agreed. It's a catch-22.

I'm the opposite. My DH has told me he wants another child we have one DD who is 9 , I'm 29. I don't want to go through a pregnancy , birth , mat leave and take a career hit. He's not happy but it's me who's going to have to go through it. I think it's sad but you both have to be on board breaking up your DC's home because you want another seems selfish.

@LaLuz7 but OP feels broken. It is a catch 22.

And I think being married is about making compromises and joint decisions all the time, on both sides. No one can get everything they want in life, and even if they do the reality is often different from the fantasy.

Perhaps OP needs to gain some perspective and gratitude for the life and kid she already has.

Broodiness is a hormonal urge and should be treated as such. Just because you have an itch doesn't mean you have to scratch it.

@toomuchlaundry I have no idea because I didn't have the opportunity to find out... however, if it didn't stop that longing, I could at least find peace in the understanding that DH put my feelings ahead of his own for a 3rd and so I would never ask that of him again. My DH wouldn't even enter into a discussion about a 3rd, nor discuss other options of possibly adopting or fostering when our 2 were older. He well and truly closed that door and it has remained shut. I love my DH and would never personally choose to end our marriage over a non-existent baby, but for me my longing has never waned.

@LaLuz7 I think some of what your saying holds truth BUT. Have you been in her shoes? It doesn't mean you are not grateful because you would like another child does it?

Its easy to tell others when your not living it.

You're being rude to @RewildingAmbridge and there's no need. Her opinion is as valid as yours.

This is not blackmail. Blackmail is threatening to reveal something about a person in order to manipulate them. This is an ultimatum. It’s quite a big step but I don’t think there’s anything wrong will it whatsoever if you feel that strongly about it that you are going to follow through. It’s not manipulation, it’s being honest about your feelings and actions.

It's only a catch 22 if she holds her husband to something which is not a guarantee

Otherwise it's grief.

Get yourself into therapy asap.

You have wasted time with a man who changed his mind.

Be very very careful of thinking your love for him will outlive this disappointment.

I don't think it necessarily will if you really do want another child.

I know of a couple of cases where in one the wife got over it, embraced having one child and was able to move on successfully.

The other where the relationship broke down and she had a second baby on her own at 44, by IVF.

She never regretted it and because of her good career she has had a good life and met someone else, but has never lived with him.

Interestingly her ex husband met someone else too and had one more child and is a one night EOW father to his first son.🙄

Look very hard at what you really want.

I think the vasectomy suggestion is excellent whilst refusing being responsible for contraception.

I certainly wouldn't remain in love with someone who would change his mind on such a core issue.

@HotChoxs feelings are valid on both sides. It's a tricky situation in order to find middle ground her DH is going to have to find some understanding of how his own wife feels. Because it's HIM who has made the final choice.... and OP is left to sick it up.

@Winterpetal

how manipulative

and really not great for the kid to be born to a father that was backed into a corner and put under duress to agree to their conception

Does he understand the impact this will have on your child when they are older?
I'm an only child and finding the prospect of caring for my aging parents on my own very daunting.
My children have no aunties/uncles/cousins on my side and only one cousin on dh's.
I'm desperately jealous of friends who have close siblings.

@LaLuz7 I guess both parents would need to explain to their children why they are no longer married... If the husband only wants the marriage with the existing children, and the wife only wants the marriage with the existing children and extra, then it's BOTH parents who are equally responsible for the break-down of the marriage. The one time I would say blame could be apportioned more to one than the other would be if financially another child would severely and detrimentally affect the family - in this instance I personally believe that the existing family unit should always outweigh the needs of the one parent.

Emotional blackmail is exactly what this is

the use of threats or the manipulation of someone's feelings to force them to do something.

By laying out this ultimatum it is saying “give me what I want or you’ll lose everything you love and your entire world will be shattered” how is that not the literal definition of blackmail?

OP walking away from the relationship is entirely different as she is making her own decision, not weaponising emotions to make someone else do what she wants.

I am still here. At work atm. So will reply once I'm back home.

Thank you for all the replies. Some have been very helpful