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Original poster

Can't get over DH not wanting more children

243 replies

funder · 13/12/2022 10:16

Hi,

We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me.

How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

OP posts:
TheChurchOfEli · 13/12/2022 15:17

Fixyourself · 13/12/2022 15:11

Does he understand the impact this will have on your child when they are older?
I'm an only child and finding the prospect of caring for my aging parents on my own very daunting.
My children have no aunties/uncles/cousins on my side and only one cousin on dh's.
I'm desperately jealous of friends who have close siblings.

Having siblings is no guarantee of help when parents age and need care. Neither is it a guarantee of a close relationship. I was domestically abused my by siblings(younger but physically massive brothers) … I wish my parents had stopped at me.

Goldbar · 13/12/2022 15:19

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 14:32

Having more kids within your existent family is a whole different scenario than breaking your family apart to have more. Don't be disingenuous.

Show quote history

People can leave failed relationships for any reason they choose. There are many reasons why relationships fail and feeling that your wishes and views on having a second child (which you have been clear about all along) have been disregarded by your partner who just expects you to get over it and continue to play happy families may well be the catalyst for relationship failure, especially if it's symptomatic of the relationship as a whole.

Bollindger · 13/12/2022 15:20

If your husband loves you and is a good parent please thing very carefully about destroying what you have for a dream.
I have watched many people leave a good life and trade down on every front.
A bad house far less than they had.
Abusive partner who resents the SC.
Less money and happiness.
Sharing a child and seeing the parent with the higher income florist, and enjoying the one child life, while the 2nd child ended up with a dead beat parent.

Chikapu · 13/12/2022 15:22

Fixyourself · 13/12/2022 15:11

Does he understand the impact this will have on your child when they are older?
I'm an only child and finding the prospect of caring for my aging parents on my own very daunting.
My children have no aunties/uncles/cousins on my side and only one cousin on dh's.
I'm desperately jealous of friends who have close siblings.

I'm one of three and ended up caring for my parents completely alone. Having siblings doesn't mean that you will have help.

Failingateverything · 13/12/2022 15:25

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 13/12/2022 15:14

Emotional blackmail is exactly what this is

the use of threats or the manipulation of someone's feelings to force them to do something.

By laying out this ultimatum it is saying “give me what I want or you’ll lose everything you love and your entire world will be shattered” how is that not the literal definition of blackmail? Hmm

OP walking away from the relationship is entirely different as she is making her own decision, not weaponising emotions to make someone else do what she wants.

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What’s the difference between saying ´if you don’t agree to have a second child then I’m leaving so I can have one on my own.’ And ´I’m not going to try to change your mind, but I am determined to have another child and will do it with or without you’.?
It’s the same situation. Sure, the exact wording can be construed to be more or less manipulative but it’s the same situation either way and the man will probably interpret both the same.

Pl242 · 13/12/2022 15:32

This sounds tough OP. I feel for you. It’s really hard to say anything particularly helpful without context of how he changed his mind.

If he was all, yes definitely 2/3 and then has just strung you along afterwards to a point where you almost feel it’s too late then I’d be really angry if I were you. It would leave me questioning whether I could be married to someone who could treat me that way.

However if it was the case that 1-2 years into parenthood he said that he had started to feel differently and you have continued to talk it through and mindful of time in all of this, then it’s a really different matter.

if it’s the latter I think you both need to keep talking and working on it, perhaps with a therapist or counsellor.

good luck.

5128gap · 13/12/2022 15:33

Fixyourself · 13/12/2022 15:11

Does he understand the impact this will have on your child when they are older?
I'm an only child and finding the prospect of caring for my aging parents on my own very daunting.
My children have no aunties/uncles/cousins on my side and only one cousin on dh's.
I'm desperately jealous of friends who have close siblings.

I'm an only child too and also very jealous of people who have siblings they're close to. As it goes, that's about 50/50 with as many challenging or lacklustre relationships as strong bonds.
I too dreaded the burden of care but my partner and adult children were amazing and shared it with me. (My friend isn't so lucky. She's single and her brothers don't want to know.)
I know my friends with siblings are jealous of aspects of my life. Having had parents who's sole focus was me and my children with all the advantages that brings, my fabulous adult children and our close bond, my happy relationship.
A close sibling relationship is indeed a blessing, but just one amongst many, and none of us have them all.

Ansjovis · 13/12/2022 15:37

Have you considered counselling? If you're struggling to come to terms with it on your own I can't see what else you can do but engage a professional. Your marriage and your family is worth it. Trust me - you do not want to roll those dice and end up with 50% custody and in all likelihood still only one child.

toomuchlaundry · 13/12/2022 15:38

If you split up with someone because they didn't want another child but you then either didn't find another partner , or did but then couldn't have another child, how would you feel, especially for your existing child, when you had split up their family for nothing

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 13/12/2022 15:38

@LaLuz7 is your question directed at me? What exactly are you asking? Your question makes no sense, why would I be happy if my husband left me if I only wanted one child?

Ontheele · 13/12/2022 15:48

toomuchlaundry · 13/12/2022 15:38

If you split up with someone because they didn't want another child but you then either didn't find another partner , or did but then couldn't have another child, how would you feel, especially for your existing child, when you had split up their family for nothing

That's life though. There's no guarantee OPS husband won't go off and have an affair and have kids with another woman. The possibilities are endless.

OP is going on how she feels and she is perfectly entitled to feel upset about wanting a 2nd child. I DONT KNOW WHY SOME ARE HELL BENT ON beritating OP on how she feels and even going as far as saying she's ungrateful. What a cheek.

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 16:05

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty sorry, I quoted the wrong post.

I was trying to reply to @underneaththeash

whumpthereitis · 13/12/2022 16:17

Ontheele · 13/12/2022 15:48

That's life though. There's no guarantee OPS husband won't go off and have an affair and have kids with another woman. The possibilities are endless.

OP is going on how she feels and she is perfectly entitled to feel upset about wanting a 2nd child. I DONT KNOW WHY SOME ARE HELL BENT ON beritating OP on how she feels and even going as far as saying she's ungrateful. What a cheek.

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Sure, and if her husband did that he’d be roundly condemned on here, and understandably the child that’s had their family broken apart could very likely feel resentful towards the parent that caused it.

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 16:24

whumpthereitis · 13/12/2022 16:17

Sure, and if her husband did that he’d be roundly condemned on here, and understandably the child that’s had their family broken apart could very likely feel resentful towards the parent that caused it.

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That’s the problem with this though isn’t it? OP is 40 and fast running out of time to have another child. Say her relationship breaks down in a few years, she has lost her window and will never have another be able to carry another child. Meanwhile her DH could meet someone else, change his mind and have another child with no concerns about fertility. At best, he would apologise to OP but what good would that be to her and her shrivelled ovaries? If I were OP I would freeze my eggs and demand that my DH, who was so certain in his decision, have a vasectomy. The viability of frozen eggs (vs frozen embryos) is poor but also the success of a vasectomy reversal reduces with the passage of time.

whumpthereitis · 13/12/2022 16:30

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 16:24

That’s the problem with this though isn’t it? OP is 40 and fast running out of time to have another child. Say her relationship breaks down in a few years, she has lost her window and will never have another be able to carry another child. Meanwhile her DH could meet someone else, change his mind and have another child with no concerns about fertility. At best, he would apologise to OP but what good would that be to her and her shrivelled ovaries? If I were OP I would freeze my eggs and demand that my DH, who was so certain in his decision, have a vasectomy. The viability of frozen eggs (vs frozen embryos) is poor but also the success of a vasectomy reversal reduces with the passage of time.

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Yes, but equally he may not do any of those things. Sometimes life isn’t fair, and you have to do the best for your situation as well as for the people you’re responsible for. The wellbeing of the child that is here is surely paramount over and above the possibility of future ones.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 13/12/2022 16:31

@LaLuz7 sorry!!! I was confused lol

Bananagirl23 · 13/12/2022 16:32

I don’t understand why so many people are pushing for the OP’s partner to have a vasectomy? How is that supposed to help her situation?

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 16:50

Bananagirl23 · 13/12/2022 16:32

I don’t understand why so many people are pushing for the OP’s partner to have a vasectomy? How is that supposed to help her situation?

  1. It forces the DH to be responsible for contraception.
  2. They are harder to reverse with time. If OP’s DH is adamant that he doesn’t want to have more children and his decision will have an irreversible impact on OP due to declining fertility I think it is fair that he has a vasectomy and is also unable to have children with a future spouse after divorce.
Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 16:50

Mumsanetta · 13/12/2022 16:50

  1. It forces the DH to be responsible for contraception.
  2. They are harder to reverse with time. If OP’s DH is adamant that he doesn’t want to have more children and his decision will have an irreversible impact on OP due to declining fertility I think it is fair that he has a vasectomy and is also unable to have children with a future spouse after divorce.
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Obviously assuming that OP decides to stay with him.

Tabitha888 · 13/12/2022 16:50

I wanted 2-3 kids. Now I'm like nope. Ones enough. It's ok to change your mind. He has his reasons x

MsPrism · 13/12/2022 17:05

OP, I can sympathise, my DH kept putting off the conception date, and then suggested we might be happier with no baby. It was a massive problem for me and took years to resolve.
In the end I was ready to leave and he changed his mind, and DD came along nine months later. This was fifteen years ago and it ended happily for us, but was an awful time.
All you can do is explain in the most basic terms the absolute depth of your feeling and see what he says. What would it take for him to change his mind?
I am sorry you're going through this, it's awful.

ZoeCM · 13/12/2022 17:40

Grieving for something you never had is in no way comparable to grieving a person who has died.
Its quite possible to validate the OPs feelings for what they are without setting up false comparisons that minimise bereavement.

Honestly, the term "grief" gets thrown around so much on MN that it's lost all meaning. A lot of MNers claim to be grief-stricken every time they don't get exactly what they want. A few weeks ago, one woman posted that she was "grieving" because she didn't like the way her hair looked in her wedding photos.

Goldbar · 13/12/2022 17:41

Ontheele · 13/12/2022 15:48

That's life though. There's no guarantee OPS husband won't go off and have an affair and have kids with another woman. The possibilities are endless.

OP is going on how she feels and she is perfectly entitled to feel upset about wanting a 2nd child. I DONT KNOW WHY SOME ARE HELL BENT ON beritating OP on how she feels and even going as far as saying she's ungrateful. What a cheek.

Show quote history

Yes, I don't know why people are making out that the OP has no right to feel the way she does.

Her feelings are hers and they are valid. And while it might be extreme to break up her family for the chance of a second child, it's not unreasonable for the OP to ask herself whether she will be able to move forward and look at her husband without resentment if she stays with him. And if the answer is no and it's always going to be a point of resentment that, despite her being clear on what family size she wanted, he changed his mind, then it's reasonable for the OP to assess whether the relationship is likely to survive.

MarshaBradyo · 13/12/2022 17:46

Goldbar · 13/12/2022 17:41

Yes, I don't know why people are making out that the OP has no right to feel the way she does.

Her feelings are hers and they are valid. And while it might be extreme to break up her family for the chance of a second child, it's not unreasonable for the OP to ask herself whether she will be able to move forward and look at her husband without resentment if she stays with him. And if the answer is no and it's always going to be a point of resentment that, despite her being clear on what family size she wanted, he changed his mind, then it's reasonable for the OP to assess whether the relationship is likely to survive.

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This sums it up for me. Neither can demand the other do what they want but the op’s feelings are valid and she’ll need to decide what to do.

Bananagirl23 · 13/12/2022 17:49

Absolutely her feelings are valid, but it would be really sad to break apart the family she does have over them, particularly for the sake of the child she already has.