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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling rocked by something that happened this weekend.

274 replies

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:15

I have been with my partner for 8 months. Things have been going well and there is so much chemistry. We have occasional arguments, and we are very different people, so took us some time to settle into a happy medium.

At the weekend we went to his work Christmas party. I didn’t know anyone and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.

I made a friend (his workmates wife), at one point in the night we went into the toilet together. She had drugs and I stupidly took them. I’ve never taken anything in my life and feel disgusted with myself.

As soon as I came back to the dance floor, he then asked me if I had taken drugs. He clearly knew that they were into that. Part of me wishes he told me this before so that I could have avoided the situation better. He knows that I have a very important career and that this would have made me feel full of regret, but didn’t say anything. I know though that this is my responsibility. He then went to take some.

Towards the end of the night, it was his mates that were looking after me and carrying me up to the hotel room. His mates holding my hair as I was being sick. He just sat there and watched.

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today. Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better. And this is making me question a lot. But we woke up this morning, he made me a tea as usual and de iced my car like nothing has happened. But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.

Any perspectives would be really helpful. Thanks.

OP posts:
panko · 12/12/2022 08:17

I know though that this is my responsibility. yes

Wolfiefan · 12/12/2022 08:18

You chose to get drunk. You chose to take drugs. It’s not on him.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 12/12/2022 08:20

Jesus Christ you need to grow up and take some responsibility for yourself

Ihavekids · 12/12/2022 08:21

So, he's in trouble because you took drugs?

KitchiHuritAngeni · 12/12/2022 08:21

So you get absolutely bladdered then take drugs, and he's given you the ick because he didn't carry you up the stairs and hold your hair while you threw up?

YeahThanks · 12/12/2022 08:21

Why are you so passive? You were anxious so it wasn’t your fault, you just found yourself drinking too much, you were surprised to be offered drugs and you just found yourself taking them, but he should have stepped in and solved everything for you! Take a long hard look at what you’ve written.

TheEvening · 12/12/2022 08:22

You went to his work Christmas party, got completely off your face, were being sick and had to have his poor colleagues look after you, utterly embarrassed yourself and presumably him... And you're annoyed at him? Catch yourself on!

If I were in his shoes I'd be massively pissed off at you not making you cups of tea. How is he so relaxed about it?

Yes it's not great he didn't look after you when you were ill, but you got into a complete state at his work Christmas party!

Please tell me you've at least got some thank you presents or something for his mates?

Kinneddar · 12/12/2022 08:22

But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me

Maybe he's thinking the same about your behaviour. I'd be mortified if I took someone to a works do & they behaved like that

You're an adult. You could have stopped drinking before you got to the drunk stage & said no to taking drugs.

I dont think he's the one in the wrong here

Offleyhoo · 12/12/2022 08:23

Eh? You went to his work do, got horrifically drunk, took drugs in the loos then his friends looked after you while you were sick, oh and you have an important career, and you think he's the bad guy?

Toddlerteaplease · 12/12/2022 08:25

I'd have dumped you on the spot if I was him.

Gufo · 12/12/2022 08:25

This has to be a reverse

Whatsthestorytomorrow · 12/12/2022 08:25

What sort of drugs?

Ultimately you have to decide on if, when out with these people again, you will be able to say no to drugs or if it is worth the risk of being with your DP and around the type of people who take drugs.

I’m with pp though, this is totally on you.

Youdbetterthrowaparty · 12/12/2022 08:26

To recap - you went to his office party, got drunk, took drugs with a woman you met a couple of hours earlier and you're questioning the relationship because he didn't hold your hair while you threw up? If this were the other way around you'd have plenty of posters telling you that this behaviour throws up loads of red flags and you should LTB.

I understand the social anxiety side of it but getting horribly drunk is not a way of handling anxiety and the drugs certainly won't have helped. You need to look at better ways of coping in stressful situations. And you need to apologise to your partner for what happened at HIS work party.

GracePooleslaugh · 12/12/2022 08:26

Why are you mad at him? What did he do wrong? I'm confused.

amiold · 12/12/2022 08:27

Never took drugs. Took drugs on a whim with a stranger in a toilet. Okayyy

rubyslippers · 12/12/2022 08:27

I don’t believe you’ve never taken drugs before - you just went to the loo and folk goodness knows what …
that’s by the by - you got so drunk you were vomiting, his colleagues looked after you and somehow you’re angry at him?
if I was him I’d be having the ick
you owe him a huge huge apology

CatLick · 12/12/2022 08:27

So you basically made a complete mess and it's somehow his fault. Just tell him what you ve said here and dump him. You ll be doing him a favour in the long run.

Candleabra · 12/12/2022 08:28

This is ridiculous. Or a reverse.
No one could be this indignant about a series of events that is so clearly their own fault. You should be apologising not him.

WhenDovesFly · 12/12/2022 08:28

TheEvening · 12/12/2022 08:22

You went to his work Christmas party, got completely off your face, were being sick and had to have his poor colleagues look after you, utterly embarrassed yourself and presumably him... And you're annoyed at him? Catch yourself on!

If I were in his shoes I'd be massively pissed off at you not making you cups of tea. How is he so relaxed about it?

Yes it's not great he didn't look after you when you were ill, but you got into a complete state at his work Christmas party!

Please tell me you've at least got some thank you presents or something for his mates?

I came on to say something very similar to this. He was probably equal measures of drugged up and mortified so not surprising he wasn't being attentive.

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 12/12/2022 08:30

Are you a teenager or a fully grown adult?

isthismylifenow · 12/12/2022 08:30

Maybe he has the ick now, seeing how you behaved. Who gets very drunk to cope when going to to new bfs Christmas party.

But my call is that this is a reverse.

Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:32

What do you mean reverse?

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 12/12/2022 08:32

On top of what everyone else has said, he took you taking drugs as the green light for him taking them. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks taking drugs is okay.

Marineboy67 · 12/12/2022 08:33

Sounds like you can't cope with your own self-disgust and your dumping it on him. It was all your own doing and you have to own it. Move on and learn from it, we all make mistakes.

Sparklfairy · 12/12/2022 08:33

amiold · 12/12/2022 08:27

Never took drugs. Took drugs on a whim with a stranger in a toilet. Okayyy

This is a little strange but I can be impulsive when anxious and out of my depth, and very drunk so I sort of sympathise.

Did he know you'd never taken drugs before? I know men who would have behaved exactly like him, but I also know men who would have "extra" looked after me knowing it was my first time.

You'll be having the beer fear and be on a comedown now, so your anxiety and thoughts will be heightened. Try to wait it out until your logical brain resurfaces Flowers