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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling rocked by something that happened this weekend.

274 replies

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:15

I have been with my partner for 8 months. Things have been going well and there is so much chemistry. We have occasional arguments, and we are very different people, so took us some time to settle into a happy medium.

At the weekend we went to his work Christmas party. I didn’t know anyone and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.

I made a friend (his workmates wife), at one point in the night we went into the toilet together. She had drugs and I stupidly took them. I’ve never taken anything in my life and feel disgusted with myself.

As soon as I came back to the dance floor, he then asked me if I had taken drugs. He clearly knew that they were into that. Part of me wishes he told me this before so that I could have avoided the situation better. He knows that I have a very important career and that this would have made me feel full of regret, but didn’t say anything. I know though that this is my responsibility. He then went to take some.

Towards the end of the night, it was his mates that were looking after me and carrying me up to the hotel room. His mates holding my hair as I was being sick. He just sat there and watched.

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today. Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better. And this is making me question a lot. But we woke up this morning, he made me a tea as usual and de iced my car like nothing has happened. But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.

Any perspectives would be really helpful. Thanks.

OP posts:

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 12/12/2022 12:22

*Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better *(I hate that daft phrase). Why should YOU be fed-up about that? You got drunk. You took drugs. You vomited. You made a fool of yourself. If you were my son's girlfriend, I'd be advising him to finish with you.

girlmom21 · 12/12/2022 12:27

I will still go out with these people again but will not be drinking much or taking drugs. Will also not tolerate him taking them.

This is part of who he is. He's shown you that. It's what he does and what his friends do. He was checking your boundaries and you gave him the go-ahead.

I don't think you can stop him. You need to decide if it's a dealbreaker.

SlashBeef · 12/12/2022 12:27

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 12/12/2022 12:22

Would you? I'd be more interested in having words with my son about taking drugs.

OP this has potential to be a very dangerous and toxic relationship

Fleabigg · 12/12/2022 12:29

You had so much drink and drugs you were throwing up. He had so much drink and drugs you feel he didn’t look after you. I’m not sure either of you covered yourselves in glory.

ChickenBurgers · 12/12/2022 12:30

Part of the sinking regret/disgust feeling is probably the comedown of whatever you’ve taken. Comedowns are vile and I’m very glad I’ve left my teen party years in the past cos I couldn’t cope with a come down now.

Ride it out and reevaluate when you’re feeling less like the world has ended. You are coming across quite dramatic; but again this is likely at least partly down to the comedown.

NameChange1718 · 12/12/2022 12:33

If my partner ever did this I would break up with him. Even just being that drunk would be enough. Thankfully he doesn’t drink. The drugs I’d never tolerate

deydododatdodontdeydo · 12/12/2022 12:33

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 12/12/2022 12:22

Really? I did daft stuff when I was younger and luckily DH didn't dump me for simply having too much to drink on one occasion. Seems an over reaction.

KettrickenSmiled · 12/12/2022 12:35

I saw a therapist but felt that she re-hashed everything over and over and over and that it was actually making me feel worse.

So you were engaged with the wrong therapist for you.
Don't let it put you off finding a better one.

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 12:42

You can't stop him taking drugs. All you can do is make a decision about how you want to be, how you want to live and who you want to mix with.

This won't be the last time he takes drugs in your presence. Make a decision as to whether you want that in your life.

DoraSpenlow · 12/12/2022 12:44

Sorry OP, but with your fragile mental health you really don't need to be adding mixing with junkies into your life.

Concentrate on getting yourself well.

TiddlesTheTiger · 12/12/2022 12:51

He then went to take some [drugs]

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He knew these people use drugs.
He took drugs himself.
He tells you not to worry because others were in a worse state than you.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

You will not be able to prevent this man from continuing to use drugs especially while mixing with these people.

You have doubts about his motives for wanting to move in. Don't let him move in.

At the moment it seems like fun that you do more risky things with him. It's likely to stop being fun and become quite nasty.

FlyingUnicorn2 · 12/12/2022 12:53

people are really easy on you here. If it would be a guy who did all that he would be called all different names and the advice would be to leave his ass and not waste life.

he should leave you. If a grown up person doesnt know how to behave on someone else’s party and do what you did, doesn’t deserve to be in that relationship

MGMidget · 12/12/2022 12:55

I am wondering if you have now encountered a side of him you didn't previously know. His friend's wife introduced you to the drugs and when he found out you had taken them he went off to have some too. Given that this is not a path you want to go down and you regret it I would be wondering if you are seeing a bit more of the real him and that is why you are feeling uncomfortable and resentful about what happened. Obviously you got yourself into a bit of a mess but his reaction was then to do the same as though it now meant he had 'permission'. I would be wondering about the circles he mixes in and what path this is going to take you on if you continue the relationship. However, it is time for a good talk with him about it to explore his views on drugs and decide from there if you have similar views.

TiddlesTheTiger · 12/12/2022 12:55

If I were in his shoes I'd be massively pissed off at you not making you cups of tea. How is he so relaxed about it?

Because he's a regular drug user and this is the start of him normalising it to the OP !!

OldFan · 12/12/2022 13:00

I know that he is a good man

A good man doesn't take drugs.

Bard6817 · 12/12/2022 13:00

You make an idiot of yourself, but he has given you the ick.

Being an idiot happens. Seems like he has been cool about that.

But you getting the ick, fair enough, time to move on from him and find someone who doesn’t. He will be better off without you.

Tessabelle74 · 12/12/2022 13:01

Personally I'd be dumping you not making you a cup of tea. What an embarrassment! You can't blame him for anything, take some responsibility, no one "accidentally" takes drugs they're offered

Tidsleytiddy · 12/12/2022 13:03

He has shown you who he is. Believe him x

Whateverfuckingnext · 12/12/2022 13:20

I don't think your life is "going off the rails" as you put it. Based on this one incident that is.
You're full of beer fear and you're on a drugs come down, which is why you feel "disgusting".
Yes you've acted like a twat but there's no need to act like it's a catastrophic event. Take it as a learning curve and move on.

Your blame towards your partner is misplaced though. You were 100% in control of your own actions at each point of the night, and you are 100% in control of making sure you don't ever have to feel like this again. Neither of the two are your partner's responsibility.

Andsoforth · 12/12/2022 13:21

You need to learn to be alone and okay with yourself before you get entangled in a relationship.

I understand the pull so well, but being in a relationship when you’re recovering from trauma is not healing.

Step away and focus on self compassion and self reliance because as you become stronger you will attract a stronger, kinder partner.

You’ve seen him, and you know that he isn’t right for you. The posters who are saying that you’re worse are doing exactly what our depressed brains do to us and telling us that we should accept shitty treatment because we don’t deserve better.

But you do. End it with this guy. He’s not right for you. And start having a love affair with yourself. Seriously - buy yourself flowers, take yourself to nice places, make yourself a lovely cup of tea. Set such a high standard for yourself that you won’t even consider making room for a man who isn’t worthy of the beautiful person you are underneath all the crap that’s happened to you.

Joystir59 · 12/12/2022 13:30

You need to take time to get to know yourself and learn to lond look after yourself. Set your own boundaries. Be responsible and independent. Take time to do this work and become comfortable in your own skin and with your own company. Develop friendships and a support network. Only enter into a reationship if you've done all that work and are genuinely fed up of being single.

Lovageandrose · 12/12/2022 13:30

Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better.

With all due respect I think he has a bigger ick over you taking drugs. Don’t get your hopes up about moving in with him in the spring.

Joystir59 · 12/12/2022 13:30

*Love and look after yourself

Liz1tummypain · 12/12/2022 13:41

That's on you. You can't blame it on anyone else.

itsnotmeitisactuallyyou · 12/12/2022 13:48

TheEvening · 12/12/2022 08:22

You went to his work Christmas party, got completely off your face, were being sick and had to have his poor colleagues look after you, utterly embarrassed yourself and presumably him... And you're annoyed at him? Catch yourself on!

If I were in his shoes I'd be massively pissed off at you not making you cups of tea. How is he so relaxed about it?

Yes it's not great he didn't look after you when you were ill, but you got into a complete state at his work Christmas party!

Please tell me you've at least got some thank you presents or something for his mates?

This

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