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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling rocked by something that happened this weekend.

274 replies

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:15

I have been with my partner for 8 months. Things have been going well and there is so much chemistry. We have occasional arguments, and we are very different people, so took us some time to settle into a happy medium.

At the weekend we went to his work Christmas party. I didn’t know anyone and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.

I made a friend (his workmates wife), at one point in the night we went into the toilet together. She had drugs and I stupidly took them. I’ve never taken anything in my life and feel disgusted with myself.

As soon as I came back to the dance floor, he then asked me if I had taken drugs. He clearly knew that they were into that. Part of me wishes he told me this before so that I could have avoided the situation better. He knows that I have a very important career and that this would have made me feel full of regret, but didn’t say anything. I know though that this is my responsibility. He then went to take some.

Towards the end of the night, it was his mates that were looking after me and carrying me up to the hotel room. His mates holding my hair as I was being sick. He just sat there and watched.

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today. Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better. And this is making me question a lot. But we woke up this morning, he made me a tea as usual and de iced my car like nothing has happened. But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.

Any perspectives would be really helpful. Thanks.

OP posts:

MeowwandAnder · 12/12/2022 08:34

@DaisyDooxox

I think you are having a hard time here.

I do have sympathy - it can be very anxiety inducing situation - going to an event, not knowing anyone.

I’d look more at the events leading up to you getting v drunk. Did you feel somewhat abandoned and left to your own devices while he socialised? Did he have any empathy to the fact that you were otherwise alone?

By the time things got out of hand, sounds like you were both too wasted to cope with the situation properly.

If you move in together, you are a partnership - a team, you look out and care for each other. I don’t think this event is enough to make a judgement call, but if it is a reoccurring theme - then maybe you are not best suited.

pizzaHeart · 12/12/2022 08:34

I hope it’s a reverse.
you were unbelievably stupid. who behaves like this? I would dump you straight away if I were him.

AlwaysGinPlease · 12/12/2022 08:35

If anyone has the ick it's him. Seeing you in such a state you were sick and having to be carried. II's been a short relationship. I'd be surprised if it continues after all that.

Hobbi · 12/12/2022 08:36

WeAreTheHeroes · 12/12/2022 08:32

On top of what everyone else has said, he took you taking drugs as the green light for him taking them. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks taking drugs is okay.

Where do you get that from?

darkwinterdays · 12/12/2022 08:37

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today.

Yes it is your problem. Chalk this one up for experience. Appreciate work parties where you are the plus 1 can be daunting if you don't know anyone but maybe this is the time to stay off the booze?

The drug taking is another issue. Does he take drugs normally or is this a one off?

Think you both need to sit down and calmly recalibrate your relationship without accusations and blame. See the bigger picture...

cantba · 12/12/2022 08:39

I would be so ashamed if you were my partner and did this in front of my work colleagues. Seriously you are being really controlling over his reaction to this. He is rightly mad at you. Massive apology due from you.

WeAreTheHeroes · 12/12/2022 08:39

Hobbi · 12/12/2022 08:36

Where do you get that from?

Show quote history

Last sentence of fourth paragraph of the OP.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 12/12/2022 08:41

Make it your job to look after yourself and these things won't happen.

cantba · 12/12/2022 08:42

Actually missed the bit where you said he took them. Sounds like he was drugged up. Yuck.

Hobbi · 12/12/2022 08:44

@WeAreTheHeroes
...my mistake.

SuperCamp · 12/12/2022 08:46

Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better.

If a woman came here and posted that her male partner held her responsible in this way he would be condemned as a ‘man child’.

Do not infantilise yourself in your own mind. Go into a relationship as an equal partner, able to take care of yourself (and him likewise), with mutual loyalty and care, but do not seek a relationship where you are infantilised.

You owe him an apology for behaving like that at his work do.

Have a serious conversation about the whole thing. Take responsibility for your own actions. Have a think about how you have been together 8 months but you did know he takes drugs when partying.

None of this needs to be a deal breaker, especially if you open up about it, increase and deepen your understanding of each other in relation to upset.

If you stew alone and it all gets swept under the carpet, then that will sow uncomfortable seeds for the future.

ParentPerson · 12/12/2022 08:46

To be honest, this sounds like the sort of horrendous shit I did when I was in my early twenties so you do have my sympathy OP. However, you behaved badly and you need to own it. Projecting your own shame onto your partner isn’t going to take the situation away or deflect from what you did.

I mean this kindly, might be time to grow up a little bit. Comedowns aren’t made for those with anxious dispositions!

frazzledasarock · 12/12/2022 08:46

You both took drugs.

you ended up vomiting your guts out and he ended up sitting around not doing a thing.

perhaps that’s how being high affects him.

girlmom21 · 12/12/2022 08:46

You took drugs and he took drugs. You didn't handle the drugs well.

None of that is his fault - apart from him taking drugs.

Hoppinggreen · 12/12/2022 08:47

You’ve behaved like a bit of a twat and embarrassed him in front of his workmates.
You should be apologising not being cross with him.

Having said that if you want to break up with him you can, you don’t need a reason

Littlewhitecat · 12/12/2022 08:48

Reread what you have written and try and show some insight. He should be running for the hills. You are an adult and you need to take responsibility for your behaviour. Anxiety is not a free pass to behave appallingly and then blame everyone else.

Alexandernevermind · 12/12/2022 08:48

Okay, so you had a panic about being at an event with strangers so though you would go for a bit of Dutch courage. You probably aren't used to drinking or struggled to regulate and mad a fool of yourself, I'm sure we've all been there, so the "let's all pile on op" seems a bit unnecessary. You need to work out why you ended up taking the drugs and fix it. Were you so drunk you didn't know what you were doing, or was it something you do when drunk. Do you struggle to regulate your drinking normally, or do you drink so rarely that you can't handle any more than a few glasses?
I think the ick is more about you feeling embarrassed, and agree with the others that a few apologies are due.

knittingaddict · 12/12/2022 08:50

It is 100% your sole responsibility here. I would never take drugs. No amount of some one offering them to me would make me waver on that.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 12/12/2022 08:50

Why are you trying to put any of the blame on him? You chose to get drunk, you chose to do drugs. This is all on you. Grow up.

Original poster

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:55

Hi. I think you’re all right. I do need to grow up. I haven’t long come out of an 8 year relationship which ended with trauma and this new partner makes me feel free and I’m doing things out of character because I just think “fuck it”.

it is my responsibility and I need to sort myself out.

OP posts:

MistyRock · 12/12/2022 08:59

@DaisyDooxox who looked after you? The work mates who gave you the drugs? In that case they deserved it really as they should know better, as should you. I'm cringing for you tbh. I've often been k known to get shit faced in booze but to get faced on drugs is another matter. You need to seriously think about what lead you to this moment in your life and change or work on your issues. Tbh your partner doesn't really sound like he's the one for you of within months (honey moon period) you're already arguing.

MistyRock · 12/12/2022 08:59

Sorry about the typos, my phones a bit crap!

ReluctantCourier · 12/12/2022 09:01

If you aren’t your best self around him, maybe tap into that. Does something about the relationship make you feel a bit unsafe (just socially, not in actual danger). I make my best choices when I feel confident and secure and cherished. If the relationship doesn’t give you that then yeah, it’s your responsibility etc etc but many ppl find they drink ir engage in other addictive behaviours in a less secure controlled way if they aren’t in a good place emotionally.

isthismylifenow · 12/12/2022 09:02

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:55

it is my responsibility and I need to sort myself out.

If you're not long out of a lt relationship and been seeing this person for 8 months, had the move in talk etc.... When did you take your time out to work though the trauma of that split? Maybe you aren't ready to be in a new relationship yet...

baileys6904 · 12/12/2022 09:03