Feeling rocked by something that happened this weekend.

[DaisyDooxox]

I have been with my partner for 8 months. Things have been going well and there is so much chemistry. We have occasional arguments, and we are very different people, so took us some time to settle into a happy medium.

At the weekend we went to his work Christmas party. I didn’t know anyone and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.

I made a friend (his workmates wife), at one point in the night we went into the toilet together. She had drugs and I stupidly took them. I’ve never taken anything in my life and feel disgusted with myself.

As soon as I came back to the dance floor, he then asked me if I had taken drugs. He clearly knew that they were into that. Part of me wishes he told me this before so that I could have avoided the situation better. He knows that I have a very important career and that this would have made me feel full of regret, but didn’t say anything. I know though that this is my responsibility. He then went to take some.

Towards the end of the night, it was his mates that were looking after me and carrying me up to the hotel room. His mates holding my hair as I was being sick. He just sat there and watched.

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today. Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better. And this is making me question a lot. But we woke up this morning, he made me a tea as usual and de iced my car like nothing has happened. But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.

Any perspectives would be really helpful. Thanks.

I’d finish it because he takes drugs. Double standards I know, as you also took them. But still, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who takes drugs.

Both of you are horrid.

They both casually took drugs though.

WOW!

Hope this is a reverse because if this is genuine then you're not a good person.

YOU went to his work party, YOU got too drunk, YOU took drugs, YOU put yourself in a situation that you couldn't look after yourself and now HE is the bad guy.

You need to sort yourself out. I can't believe he's got up and made you a cuppa and sorted your car for you. If anyone I was with had behaved in this way I'd have been telling them I'm appalled by their behaviour and embarrassed and that I didn't have space for that in my life. Thank you, next.

I'm sorry this is harsh OP but it's tough love and it's my honest opinion on it.

I can empathise with the anxiety thing. I have it too (very significant and medicated) but it's not an excuse for ridiculous behaviour or for not taking responsibility for yourself.

Speak to your GP and seek help in RL. It seems like things are spiralling for you and you're getting yourself in situations you can't manage.

I think you should be thankful you are safe and well and take some space to clear your head.

If you got wasted at his Xmas do, he may have just been a bit embarrassed - speak to him.
I'd be more worried about having arguments 8 months into a relation TBH. I don't think me and DW had a cross word before the first year or so...

I am presuming you are very young so will be your mother and tell you to end it now! You've never taken drugs yourself ,suffer from anxiety and drink too much because of anxiety .....stay away from drugs it won't end well !!! Don't get in a relationship with someone who takes drugs....it wont end well!!! If his circle of friends takes drugs at a blinking WORKS PARTY for goodness sake , if that's not your thing just don't go there...there are better,decent men out there, value yourself and you will find one.

Exactly. And the scabby mates who brought the drugs to the party in the first place.

Doesn't that depend what the drugs were, & how habituated he is to them?

I'm guessing coke, & that OP being unused to its effects carried on drinking heavily as the coke masked how pissed she was. hence the puking.

But I'm also guessing that he's well used to coke, & would have been easily able to 'look after' a g/f who was pukingly unused to heavy boozing, & piling class A drugs on top.

It's unfortunate that OP got in a state, & that's not his responsibility whatsoever. But a habituated druggie should be well able to empathise with & help a novice druggie - especially that novice is his g/f.

Actually I sympathise with the ick. We all make mistakes but I would expect my OP to look after me notwithstanding the reason for my incapacity and not leave it to others. If my OP came home drunk and could not unlock the door get upstairs to bed I would help him although it was entirely his fault. That is being caring.

A very good post. I'd listen to this Op.

and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.

OP, if you genuinely suffer from anxiety, you need to seek help for that. All your problems that night started with this statement. Getting drunk helped no one, ever. And I bet your anxiety has increased tenfold having got drunk “to cope”.

I think you need to end this relationship and seek counselling for the trauma that ended your last relationship and for your anxiety and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Moving in with him when you’ve so much to sort out sounds like a recipe for disaster.

If my OH got in that state I’d drop him off at the police station and go for a spa weekend.

No sympathy whatsoever and he might be contemplating dumping you.

But I'm also guessing that he's well used to coke, & would have been easily able to 'look after' a g/f who was pukingly unused to heavy boozing, & piling class A drugs on top.

It IS very much a guess that he is habituated, far less that he would be "easily able" to look after his girlfriend who had got herself in such a state. He may equally have been unable, hence why he didn't.

Whole situation sounds grim.

Have you ever had any therapy?

Anxiety, taking drugs, thinking “fuck it”

It sounds like you need to talk to someone. Get some help.

Youre perspective on life is all out of whack.

The drugs wouldn't even be the main issue for me.

The main issue is that you're completely, utterly incapable of taking any responsibility for yourself or your actions. You sound like hard work, mortifying and frankly a big red flag.

He's better off far away from you.

So if this is a real post, you are feeling embarrassed and angry, and you blame him for not taking care of you more or warning you about the drugs.

However, I think if you want to solve this, the crux of the matter is
I didn’t know anyone and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.
You need to find some RL help for this and I mean proper professional help.. where you sit down with them and go through why you think getting drunk will help you to cope better.
Ask yourself what was the root of your anxiety and why you thought you wouldn't cope?
Was it that you didn't know anyone? you knew your BF and he introduced you to his mates who actually took care of you.
Was it that you were worried about appearing foolish? So drinking made that better?

Then to add to the mix, you take drugs (we don't know what kind or how harmful, but im guessing coke at a minimum) from a complete stranger you meet in the ladies. Even if you were "drunk" you must have know this wasn't going help the situation.
Be honest now with yourself about how often you use drink/drugs to help you "cope" and what you actually mean by cope. Because what you are doing now is not working.
Look at this pattern. You are continually self-sabotaging.. but you don't seem to see this. You are creating situations that are harmful to yourself. It is your choice.
Forget about feeling embarrassed etc... this is the more important thing to focus on now. You seem to jump into things without thinking. So think about it now.

This in on you OP, but I think him just watching his friends looking after the situation is a bit off. You were with him, so even though it’s a situation of your own making, you would think he would have taken care of you rather than leave it to his colleagues. And seems like he is into the drug scene, so I would dump him for that alone. Yours was a drunken dabble which I’m guessing you won’t be repeating, but seems it’s a lifestyle he follows.

@Livelovebehappy

Yours was a drunken dabble which I’m guessing you won’t be repeating, but seems it’s a lifestyle he follows.

Please tell me you can see what a horrendous double standard this is? Stop indulging the OP in her view that its not really her fault and not that bad.

They're as bad as each other.

I’m having herringbone tiles fitted in my bathroom. The whole shower area and 1.2m on the rest of the walls. My tiler has suggested a border at the bottom and top of the tiles. I hadn’t considered this finish. I’d assumed a finish of the cut edges for a horizontal finish. Not keen on the zigzag finish.
I don’t mind a border at the bottom.
Not found many pics on line with a border finish and can’t decide whether the border of a straight tile will give a tidy finish or look odd/dated?
What do you think?

You’ve posted a lot of threads about this fairly new relationship. It’s not going to work out.

Don't feel disgusted with your self - we all make mistakes and you can live and learn.
Also taking drugs or experimenting doesn't make you a bad person.

You are still feeling low today but it is partly the after effect of drink and drugs and it will pass. I promise!

He probably didn't mention it thinking you are so anti or against drugs it wouldn't be an issue - maybe he was surprised, pleased, or disappointed you took them. Nobody but him knows.

Speak to your boyfriend about how you feel - you need to communicate it. You're entitled to feel let down if he wasn't looking after you. But his perspective might be different.

He sounds like a good one in many ways so I wouldn't throw it all away based on this - plus you won't be in the right frame of mind right now. Just let things settle and take care of yourself today - lots of water, good food, an early night. See how you feel tomorrow and you can have a proper conversation when you're feeling up to it.

OP, the drugs & the party & the vomit are all part of the same red herring.
You are focused entirely on the wrong aspect - probably because you are reeling with morning-after anxiety.

Your previous relationship was traumatic, ended badly, but here you are in a new one that is also problematic.
How long a gap did you have between relationships? What work have you done toward healing from it? Counselling? The Freedom Programme?
You've been dating this man just 8 months & already arguing. What about? How often? How are these arguments resolved?
Your first sentences acknowledge this new relationship - but not him as a person - all you mention is the chemistry. Chemistry is not a sound sole basis for a decent relationship.

You suffer with anxiety, so drank too much.
That happens, & if it's a one-off, so what? No need to beat yourself up - but also certainly no reason to blame it on your b/f, instead of owning it.
PP have observed that you are coming over as passive.
So - just as above, re: work on relationships - what work are you doing on your anxiety?
Counselling, CBT, education, meds?
Because until you deal with the root cause of your anxiety & learn some solid coping mechanisms, you will be drawn to using alcohol as a crutch. Plus, putting the booze aspect aside for a moment - why continue suffering such crippling anxiety, when there are tried & trusted methods of reducing it?

You say you feel "free" with this man, so behaved more recklessly than usual.
But HE didn't make you drink more than you could handle. He didn't shove the drugs up your nose.
So this feeling of freedom - what's it about, where does it come from - & how can you work on giving YOURSELF that sense of freedom, not looking to a man to provide it for you? Not the freedom to recklessly poison yourself at parties - genuine independence. Self-confidence. Anxiety managed down to levels where you don't need to drink to function at a new social event.
Again - another thing to work on - for yourself. For your own sanity & comfort.

So - instead of blaming your b/f, take a step back.
Look after yourself. Do a lot of self-care.
Then set yourself a programme of education about 1) relationships 2) anxiety 3) self-actualisation.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.
How ... convenient.
Ask him how much he spends on coke a month OP. (SPOILER - his response is 90% certain to be a lie. People who calmly do coke at a WORK EVENT & are unfazed by its effects are NOT occasional users).
Then ask yourself if you can afford to be around cokeheads, when you can't trust yourself not to join in.

You are not ready to move in with this man - any man - right now.
Your instinct is to behave passively, then blame the guy for your own actions, want to be in effect "rescued". This is not healthy. You need to do a lot more work on your own anxiety, self-confidence & boundaries before you shack up with a guy.
You are not over your previous relationship, this relationship is quite possibly not right for you either.
You can surely see now that the anxiety = drank too much to compensate = risk inhibition out of the window = taking drugs = horribly unwell = casting around for a way to externalise the blame because the embarrassment is so painful = huge gouts of more anxiety = .... ??? - you can't keep self-medicating your anxiety - all that will happen is you will get stuck in this cycle, & it will soon be a downward spiral.
And that goes for whether you accidentally take drugs or not.
You need to do the work on getting your anxiety under control. THAT is where your feeling of being "free" resides. Not because a man made you feel that way - but because it's within your own control.

Why not park the dating for a year or so while you do the work on yourself?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

@baileys6904

Not really!! If I invited a friend - anyone - to a party where they didn’t know anyone/regardless of gender - if I knew they were anxious, if I could see they were drinking too much and not coping - I’d feel some kind of empathy that I’d invited them in the first place, and give them support. I wouldn’t just abandon them to my known druggie colleague, let them get on with it - and then help myself to a bit!!!!

I don't think it was your finest hour for either of you. I'd apologise for your part and move on.

Hey OP, I had a slightly different take on it. It almost seemed set up to test you. He knew they were into drugs, immediately asked if you'd taken them when you came out of the bathroom, and then went to do some himself as if he'd got permission to do so. Then he spent the time you were suffering the effects not acting as a 'partner in crime' but observing you like a gross experiment while his friends helped you. It sounds like his motives aren't particularly friendly and that he doesn't have much respect for you imo. Perhaps he's one of those hypocrites who holds a potential partner to much higher standards than they hold themselves.