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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling rocked by something that happened this weekend.

274 replies

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:15

I have been with my partner for 8 months. Things have been going well and there is so much chemistry. We have occasional arguments, and we are very different people, so took us some time to settle into a happy medium.

At the weekend we went to his work Christmas party. I didn’t know anyone and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.

I made a friend (his workmates wife), at one point in the night we went into the toilet together. She had drugs and I stupidly took them. I’ve never taken anything in my life and feel disgusted with myself.

As soon as I came back to the dance floor, he then asked me if I had taken drugs. He clearly knew that they were into that. Part of me wishes he told me this before so that I could have avoided the situation better. He knows that I have a very important career and that this would have made me feel full of regret, but didn’t say anything. I know though that this is my responsibility. He then went to take some.

Towards the end of the night, it was his mates that were looking after me and carrying me up to the hotel room. His mates holding my hair as I was being sick. He just sat there and watched.

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today. Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better. And this is making me question a lot. But we woke up this morning, he made me a tea as usual and de iced my car like nothing has happened. But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.

Any perspectives would be really helpful. Thanks.

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 12/12/2022 09:03

Important career my arse.

BigBunkers · 12/12/2022 09:03

You took drugs, got wasted, puked but YOU’VE got the ick about HIM? That’s a weird reaction.

SallyWD · 12/12/2022 09:03

Jesus - you went to your partner's Christmas party where you didn't know anyone, you got wrecked and took drugs?! His colleagues had to hold your hair back while you vomited. I'm also shy and suffer social anxiety but I've never allowed that to happen! To be honest, I'm surprised he's not more angry embarrassed about it. He doesn't sound much better himself but still.
If he was also a bit pissed and under the influence of drugs it's fair to assume that he wasn't in the right state to act as your carer.

DuchessofSandwich · 12/12/2022 09:05

You made a decision to get drunk, you made a decision to take drugs, frankly, you made a decision to behave very embarressing at his work do. I would have dumped you for that.

doitwithlove · 12/12/2022 09:07

You should apologise to him for making an idiot of yourself 🙄

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 09:08

You seriously need to take better care of yourself, don't get in such a state that you need help please. I'm not lecturing, I've done idiotic things in the past, but honestly anything could happen to you. Be safe x

Longlongtime · 12/12/2022 09:09

Not sure why it’s his fault.

SeasonFinale · 12/12/2022 09:10

I would have thought that he might have "the ick" at a partner who he was hoping to move in with showing up at his works event getting drunk, doing drugs and getting so out of it they spent the night vomiting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2022 09:11

Are there photos of you in this state? I hope they don’t impact on your important job.

Quveas · 12/12/2022 09:12

You have a "very important career" but absolutely no self-control over your own behaviour? Yeah, right. If any of this is true, then in his shoes I would be thinking very carefully about whether I want to live with a person who can't control their own behaviour and then expects me to (literally) mop up after them and blames me for it.

Cornelious · 12/12/2022 09:12

It's totally your responsibility for getting into that state, however I would expect/ hope that my partner would look after me and make sure I was safe. I would do the same for my dh then I'd discuss it in the morning. Do you often get in this state?

fancyacuppatea · 12/12/2022 09:12

None of this is his fault.

You chose to get pissed.

You chose to take drugs.

That is the disgusting thing in your "relationship".

I'm surprised he's not run a mile.

WandaWonder · 12/12/2022 09:13

A total one off bad behaviour I could possibly talk about and get over

Blaming someone else for bad behaviour? No chance on this planet

Butchyrestingface · 12/12/2022 09:13

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today. Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better. And this is making me question a lot. But we woke up this morning, he made me a tea as usual and de iced my car like nothing has happened. But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me.

But he took drugs as well, right? I wouldn't want to look after a drugged up puker if I were as sober as a judge, but someone who has taken drugs as well, is probably far less capable of doing so even if they wanted to.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.

That's a separate issue. Sounds like you're not sure about this relationship quite apart from your shenanigans the other night.

Butchyrestingface · 12/12/2022 09:14

Cornelious · 12/12/2022 09:12

It's totally your responsibility for getting into that state, however I would expect/ hope that my partner would look after me and make sure I was safe. I would do the same for my dh then I'd discuss it in the morning. Do you often get in this state?

He took drugs too according to the OP. How can you expect one drugged-up person to look after another? Talk about the blind leading the blind.

RethinkingLife · 12/12/2022 09:15

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:55

Hi. I think you’re all right. I do need to grow up. I haven’t long come out of an 8 year relationship which ended with trauma and this new partner makes me feel free and I’m doing things out of character because I just think “fuck it”.

it is my responsibility and I need to sort myself out.

The additional information makes it seem unwise to consider moving in with him so soon.

It might be much better to recover from the end of your LTR and resolve the difficulties associated with it befor considering another substantial commitment.

I hope the day improves for you and the memories of the social fade.

emptythelitterbox · 12/12/2022 09:15

This seems really bizarre.

Were you aware that he takes drugs?

Do you make more than he does?

You probably already know that getting trashed and making a tit out of yourself in public isn't dealing with anxiety.

From the hints you've given there's likely more to this than you've said so might as well spill the tea.

WhiskersPete · 12/12/2022 09:16

You took drugs with his colleagues.

You got into such a state that his colleagues had to hold your hair while you puked and carry you.

And this is his fault how!?

You seriously need to take responsibility for your own actions and you owe him an apology.

DangerNoodles · 12/12/2022 09:17

To be honest having to work out a 'happy medium' to stop arguments so early in a relationship just shows that this relationship is not meant to be.

You need to take personal responsibility for getting drunk and taking drugs. It's not the responsibility of your short term boyfriend to warn you not to take drugs if offered them. I would have dumped you on the spot if I were him, just reading your post gave me second hand embarrassment.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 12/12/2022 09:17

For someone with a Very Important Career you seem very ... wet.

Unstuckduck · 12/12/2022 09:17

You're both idiots for taking drugs.

I don't think you can judge his actions if you were both under the influence

QueenOfDuisburg · 12/12/2022 09:18

You embarrassed him at his work's Christmas do. Luckily he had friends who were kind enough to help you out when he wasn't feeling like doing so himself.

Having said that, I don't think it's disgusting that you took things too far. It happens. I would just apologise and hope he's willing to move on, which it looks as though he is.

If he also took drugs and was wasted he could have been feeling pretty rough too and that could have contributed to his apparent lack of care.

Brefugee · 12/12/2022 09:18

i think the actions at the party are a bit of a red herring but if you normally don't take drugs, and you did "because everyone else was" then you are better not mixing with any of them again, including your bf.

If you are having any kind of doubts about moving in: don't.

TBH this sounds like the end of a relationship here. Just end it and find someone who doesn't use drugs or hang around with people who do drugs if you are that easily led.

BadNomad · 12/12/2022 09:18

Why on earth would you take drugs for the first time in your life in a situation like that? When you had no idea how you would react to it, or if you would be safe. You got yourself into an awful state and just expected other people to sort it out. It's not your partner's behaviour you should be getting the "ick" over.

billy1966 · 12/12/2022 09:19

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:55

Hi. I think you’re all right. I do need to grow up. I haven’t long come out of an 8 year relationship which ended with trauma and this new partner makes me feel free and I’m doing things out of character because I just think “fuck it”.

it is my responsibility and I need to sort myself out.

Get yourself some counselling urgently.

You behaved poorly, put yourself in danger taking drugs and sound very vulnerable.

I too hope there are no photographs of you.

Do not move in with him.

Madnessand obviously of huge benefit to him, not you.

He's a drug taker, I would be very wary.

Sort yourself out urgently before your poor decision making royally messes up your life.

Good luck.