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Original poster

Can't fucking believe this.

524 replies

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 01:28

My daughter is 16. She's a slim, curvy, pretty girl. Not that it matters.

She has started occasionally giving my partner a quick hug now and again. He has never initiated before but does reciprocate.

Today, she was wearing her usual baggy tracky bottoms (that are too big for her so sit on her hips rather than her waist 🙄), bra and a cropped vest top She had her brand new supersoft fleecy dressing gown on over the top.

My partner and I went out this afternoon for a bit and she came over to give us both a hug. I called her ted and gave her a big squeeze referencing the fact she's like a teddy bear in it.

She went to hug him and he said "Come on then. You look curvy... cuddly" he definitely said curvy which was clearly in error and corrected it immediately to cuddly.

She did look cuddly. Like a teddy bear.

Cuddly is fine. Curvy is not.

I can't fucking believe it.

OP posts:
seven201 · 12/12/2022 07:34

It sounds like a slip of the tongue. I once accidentally said something really inappropriate to a whole class as it was running through my head what to say and what not to say, and the wrong word came out. It happens.

FallingsHowIFeel · 12/12/2022 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No idea, aye.

🙄

BeechOak · 12/12/2022 07:36

AgentJohnson · 12/12/2022 04:14

The hugging seems to be pushing a boundary and it’s something I would not be turning a blind eye to. I understand your sensitivity but ending a long term relationship over this incident is OTT.

Agree with this. Why is your daughter hugging your boyfriend with her robe hanging open? It seems provocative to me.
You notice your daughter is curvy and pretty, so will your boyfriend. It doesn’t mean he fancies her. He didn’t initiate the hug and maybe he feels flustered and unsure of how to respond.

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 07:36

thewayround · 12/12/2022 07:31

I’m thinking back to me at 16
Hugging my mum’s boyfriend of 2 years
Hugging him with my dressing gown on
Hugging him with my dressing gown open

Very odd

and his comment was nauseating

the entire set up just sounds gross

I wouldn't have done either. But I am not her and my mum's boyfriends weren't very nice men.

Like I've said, in the context of everything, the hugs don't bother me.

OP posts:
ImCindaCanning · 12/12/2022 07:38

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/12/2022 03:44

So... YOU say she's curvy in your second sentence.

It's ok for you to refer to that attribute, but when he says something, then corrects it... he's out, on his ear, no second chances, he's clearly a dirty bastard?

Is it not likely that the more enthusiastic hugs are simply a matter of becoming more familiar and comfortable with a person?

I don't really hug folk but theres a couple of friends I am so familiar and comfy with, we can snuggle on the sofa, tuck feet under the others thigh for warmth/space sharing... its entirely platonic, but it is affectionate. It also took a while to develop. Isn't that normal for .. humans?

It's not really normal with older males and young, unrelated adult females no. And you're either very naive or extremely lucky if you've managed to live a life free of inappropriate male sexual behaviour.

OP he's obviously going to notice your daughter's figure. My mother's husband used to try to spy on me at home when I was your daughter's age, and my mother refused to believe/address it, so well done for being so protective. Trust your instincts.

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 07:40

seven201 · 12/12/2022 07:34

It sounds like a slip of the tongue. I once accidentally said something really inappropriate to a whole class as it was running through my head what to say and what not to say, and the wrong word came out. It happens.

Yes, I've done that.

It's the fact that word was running through his head as something not to say that concerns me. I don't think for a second that he intended to say it. But it was in his head.

OP posts:
PurpleWisteria1 · 12/12/2022 07:40

I called the hairdresser darling today when booking my appointment in the shop. I meant too say that’s great thanks. But I said ok darling for some reason. She certainly isn’t my darling.
sometimes peoples brains spit out the wrong words. Unless there are other worries I think you are bing over the top

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 07:40

Gutted for you and your daughter. It’s so shitty and you don’t need to explain it to him. Good luck ❤️

RedHelenB · 12/12/2022 07:41

Why is a 16 year old hugging their mums boyfriend at all? Different if you've lived together from her being a child but as a teenager it does seem a bit odd. How long have you been together?

FallingsHowIFeel · 12/12/2022 07:42

ImCindaCanning · 12/12/2022 07:38

It's not really normal with older males and young, unrelated adult females no. And you're either very naive or extremely lucky if you've managed to live a life free of inappropriate male sexual behaviour.

OP he's obviously going to notice your daughter's figure. My mother's husband used to try to spy on me at home when I was your daughter's age, and my mother refused to believe/address it, so well done for being so protective. Trust your instincts.

Show quote history

Quite. It’s easy to see why men get away with this shit with so many ready and willing to ignore or minimise behaviour

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 07:42

I’m sorry your mum didn’t want to believe you ❤️ you’re right x

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 07:43

100%

thewayround · 12/12/2022 07:43

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 07:36

I wouldn't have done either. But I am not her and my mum's boyfriends weren't very nice men.

Like I've said, in the context of everything, the hugs don't bother me.

Show quote history

In the context of everything - no it’s not a concern

but it does actually indicate your daughter lacks boundaries and what is appropriate. She’s 16. Not 6.

thewayround · 12/12/2022 07:45

I will never ever ever blend families whilst my children are still at home and under 18. No teen girl should be forced to share her home (whether living there or just overnight stays) with a man introduced to her months/couple of years ago

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 07:45

His comment wouldn’t bother me. She is curvy, you said so. He is going to notice her figure, of course he is. It’s just a slip of the tongue. It doesn’t mean he’s a pervert, so I think you are overreacting. However, I do think a teen girl wandering around in bra and crop top, with open dressing gown over it, is slightly odd. And I think the hugging is very odd - that raises some concerns to me.

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 07:46

It’s her daughter’s home and maybe she’s in a provocative outfit it’s their age - but boyfriend is seeing in the wrong light

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 07:46

It’s interesting that in response to the hugging thing, you keep saying that you don’t mind. She isn’t hugging you though.

Does your BF mind? You say that he didn’t reciprocate for a while. That would indicate that he feels uncomfortable.

Did you just sit there, watching smiling on at your “huggy” daughter, without it occurring to you to talk to her about boundaries?

Some people don’t like being hugged, however spontaneous and touchy the hugger might be, and she needs to read the room. Maybe your friends love it when she hugs them (or maybe they don’t)

Will she give random hugs to people in the workplace of she has a job? To boys and men who she sees as friends? How will they interpret that?

To start hugging her mother’s boyfriend (and you say she has been doing it for a while, so she can’t have known him that well) wasn’t appropriate and you could have helped him out then by dealing with it and by talking to her about it, rather than waiting to call him a pervert at a later date!

My DD is prone to giving hugs to people. She is a child, not a half dressed young woman, but I still talk talk to her about boundaries and personal space. In her case it is because she is autistic and she just needs guidance with this stuff. It sounds like your DD does too though.

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 07:47

Amen! Same

thewayround · 12/12/2022 07:48

At the moment my teen girl is sprawled on sofa, next to the fire, where hot pants and a vest top with a hoodie cardigan over it.

if there was a man about aside from her family… that would not be possible.

RottingAutumnApples · 12/12/2022 07:48

Personally I’d have been putting a stop to the cuddles and hugs between him and her anyway. It’s a bit of a red flag. It doesn’t seem like he has raised her or is Dad in any way, being as you don’t even live together. So that sort of physical contact is inappropriate.

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 07:49

thewayround · 12/12/2022 07:43

In the context of everything - no it’s not a concern

but it does actually indicate your daughter lacks boundaries and what is appropriate. She’s 16. Not 6.

Show quote history

She's a very affectionate person but we don't have family for her to be affectionate with.

I've been single.for a long time, as I said, she's never seen me in a relationship with anyone - just been introduced in passing to a couple of men I've dated.

I know that she and her sibling (no longer living at home as an adult) are pleased I've found what they see their dad has and all their friends' parents have. I'm the only truly single parent she's known.

She is around a lot when he's here because she's not a 16 year old who goes out a lot. She's quire a homebody. She's just a kid.

Of course he'll have noticed her in that respect but that's very different to 'noticing' her.

OP posts:
CinnamonJellyBeans · 12/12/2022 07:51

We are not huggers/cuddlers but I think it's good for people to hug each other if they want to show friendship, or affection, or give support. I'm very surprised that people are so anti-hugging if a DP and DD felt that way.

If you're having to police the relationship between your DP and your child, because there are potential doubts about the veracity of his paternal feelings when he has dealings with your child, then he should not be in your house.

I'd rather have no man, than have to monitor how one behaves around my kids.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 12/12/2022 07:51

..sorry OP, I know that doesn't help.

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 07:53

thewayround · 12/12/2022 07:45

I will never ever ever blend families whilst my children are still at home and under 18. No teen girl should be forced to share her home (whether living there or just overnight stays) with a man introduced to her months/couple of years ago

She's not forced to. She likes him. He hasn't moved in. She asks if he's coming round because he treats her like a person in her own home amd not an I convenience.

But I wouldn't have considered it when she was younger for that reason. She no longer goes to her dad's for overnight stays so she's always here. But that is something that changed since he and I have been together.

I wouldn't be able to have any sort of relationship if I avoided contact between her and a partner. And I wouldn't date the sort of man I thought needed to be wary of around her.

As I've said before, there is nothing in anyone's conduct that has given me cause for concern before this.

OP posts:
thewayround · 12/12/2022 07:54

She's a very affectionate person but we don't have family for her to be affectionate with.

So if she is “very affectionate” all the more important that she gets a good grasp of boundaries and what is appropriate. As she clearly doesn’t grasp what is appropriate when it comes to hugging a man you have known for a couple of years in an open dressing gown at 16

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