Can't fucking believe this.

[CannotBelieveThisIsHappening]

My daughter is 16. She's a slim, curvy, pretty girl. Not that it matters.

She has started occasionally giving my partner a quick hug now and again. He has never initiated before but does reciprocate.

Today, she was wearing her usual baggy tracky bottoms (that are too big for her so sit on her hips rather than her waist 🙄), bra and a cropped vest top She had her brand new supersoft fleecy dressing gown on over the top.

My partner and I went out this afternoon for a bit and she came over to give us both a hug. I called her ted and gave her a big squeeze referencing the fact she's like a teddy bear in it.

She went to hug him and he said "Come on then. You look curvy... cuddly" he definitely said curvy which was clearly in error and corrected it immediately to cuddly.

She did look cuddly. Like a teddy bear.

Cuddly is fine. Curvy is not.

I can't fucking believe it.

I mean this is ridiculous.
There is a whole middle ground of "meh" in between "enjoying" and "uncomfortable". Which is where most parents/step dad's would be.

It's a crop top ffs. Not like she's in a basque or something. People wear crop tops everywhere, and low slung trousers are just fashionable, not showing anything unacceptable.

I say this as a Christian who believes in modest garb.

Please ignore some of these people @CannotBelieveThisIsHappening

I saw a Christian youtuber's critique of Hollywood or something the other day and he had put squares to blank out people's midriffs, implying showing that area is somehow obscene. It was weird.

Some people's abdomens can look admirable, but it's not like showing excessive tits or ass. It's not a sexual area in the same way.

@PepsiMaxAholic You just tried to find the most underwear-looking crop top.😂

Genuinely the exact one she wears. Each to their own but it's not allowed in our house as there are other people to consider.

Wait.
You mean there's some kind of ground in which another persons comfort levels exist now?
I thought it was clear cut that the child gets to wear what they want in their own home?
Is there a concrete definition of this ground for every single person? Or do people's comfort levels vary?

@HotChoxs I can't get my head around the notion of someone should be able to be hardly dressed around other people. Would be like my DH walking round in his underwear in front of my girls. It's just wrong both ways.

@PepsiMaxAholic
Well apparently it's misogynistic to call a 16 year old curvy because they're a child, but it's fine to allow them dress in clothes which are designed to enhance their sexual appeal and wouldn't look out of place in Ann Summers.

Very good point. Somewhat of a contradiction there.

As you can see there is a lack of continuity as to what is or isn't appropriate for a teenager, and this appears to be coinciding with a rising number of mental health problems. Then people wonder why some of us consider conservative dress codes to be of some value.

👀 is he her father?

This is sadly very true.

There seems to be ideological teeth gnashing rather than actual awareness of reality of teen/women objectification.

Nor the fact that hugging obliquely connected men while not wearing very much as a physically developed female of any age can (whether you like it or not) at the very least give them the wrong idea about your feelings towards them and put you unwittingly at risk because of naively giving the wrong impression. When you’re younger you’re less fully aware of things like this.

A lot of us who’d be more protective have learnt the hard way.

In theory “should” this be the case? Obviously not. Unfortunately we’re dealing with actual humans operating within a porn-sodden patriarchy and not living within The Sims 3.

@PepsiMaxAholic We don't know that that's what OP's daughter's crop top is like though, do we? I bought some like this to wear instead of bras. If someone wore a bra under it it'd be quite boring and inoffensive as outer wear.

Exactly. Disingenuous at the very least.

Agree.

That so many have such abysmally low standards is concerning.

@deedeeweewee No he's her stepfather.

It starts off with reciprocated hugs,... then a peck on the cheek,.. and before you know it - a couple of years down the line - they are shagging like rabbits behind your back.

I'm sorry, some of the takes in this thread are just wild.

@CannotBelieveThisIsHappening

It's the fact that word was running through his head as something not to say that concerns me. I don't think for a second that he intended to say it. But it was in his head.

I think you're being naive OP.

A straight man with a decent sex drive will have a primal attraction to an attractive, curvy 16 year old. Of course, in any decent man that basic sexual attraction would be overwhelmed by other factors that would mean he wouldn't "fancy" her, let alone act upon it.... But to deny that this primal attraction will exist, and that men don't need to suppress this instinct, is to deny biological reality.

So of course he'll have noticed that she's curvy and attractive.... And there will be tension between his basic biological instincts and morality/social acceptability that might understandably manifest itself by trying not to let those "unacceptable" thoughts of her curviness come to the fore.

It's just an unfortunate biological fact that women mature physically before they do so mentally and emotionally, and decent men realise and respect this, but biology is biology.

Put simply, your DP is just being a man.... not a pervert or a paedophile, just a man.

@waterrat

People are alarmingly naive here about the risk that a non related adult male poses to a girl going through puperty

Even if not a threat, people are being naive to think that a typical adult male won't be attracted to a pretty, curvy 16 year old at a purely biological level. Even if sexual attraction is generally much more than that for decent men, that primal undercurrent can't be avoided.

I agree @Tuilpmouse . This has descended into a bizarre row over blame or appropriate clothing none of which is the point.

What???
Are you Mia farrow or something?

I just don't believe it's true to say all men are sexually attracted to 16 year olds.
You are basically saying all men are paedophiles which is incredibly insulting

And the answer is to make sure your daughter covers up at home and not worry about the girls your husband is ogling when he's out and about.

Yuck.

I agree with you.

I also don't think it is fair or right to say that a man is essentially attracted to any 16 year old who is showing a little bit of skin. Men are not attracted to every single woman that walks the planet and many find 16 year olds to be still children. For example, my DH who is 47, would not think for one second that a 16 year old was attractive. She would be a child to him.

And this is where lack of nuance makes threads like this largely useless. Real world reality is complicated.

Many 16 year old females, while maybe not mentally or emotionally mature present as fully mature biological women even though they have not reached the arbitrary age of majority. And people, both men and women, notice other people. People often find other people attractive without being attracted to them. They notice features that make someone aesthetically pleasing, and yes, some of those features are sexual. That does not mean they want to have sex with them.

Take my own stepdaughter. She is in her late 20's now, but growing up, she was the epitome of Pretty Privilege, and it was quite obvious to anyone who saw her why she is popular with the boys, even before the age of 18. Of course I noticed, so would anyone else and to deny it would be pretty creepy along the lines of "he who doth protest too much..." but I have also never been attracted to her, nor have I ever wanted to have sex with her.