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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't fucking believe this.

524 replies

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 01:28

My daughter is 16. She's a slim, curvy, pretty girl. Not that it matters.

She has started occasionally giving my partner a quick hug now and again. He has never initiated before but does reciprocate.

Today, she was wearing her usual baggy tracky bottoms (that are too big for her so sit on her hips rather than her waist 🙄), bra and a cropped vest top She had her brand new supersoft fleecy dressing gown on over the top.

My partner and I went out this afternoon for a bit and she came over to give us both a hug. I called her ted and gave her a big squeeze referencing the fact she's like a teddy bear in it.

She went to hug him and he said "Come on then. You look curvy... cuddly" he definitely said curvy which was clearly in error and corrected it immediately to cuddly.

She did look cuddly. Like a teddy bear.

Cuddly is fine. Curvy is not.

I can't fucking believe it.

OP posts:
PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:39

So how would you describe someone with hardly any clothes on? Fully dressed? 🤔

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:40

That comment was in response to @FlissyPaps

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:41

girlmom21 · 14/12/2022 18:19

Can't assume every man is that way inclined though.

Can assume that every man who makes inappropriate comments is though.

Sure but we don't know how it was said. It doesn't jump out to me as a major red flag. I don't view the description "curvy" as a sexualised description.

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 18:43

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:39

So how would you describe someone with hardly any clothes on? Fully dressed? 🤔

I would describe them as just that. “Hardly any clothes on”.

In public, wearing hardly any clothes is inappropriate. But in your own home. Wearing hardly any clothes is totally acceptable. Do you know why?

Because it’s your HOME. Where you should feel comfortable and safe.

I think “scantily dressed” or “scantily clad” is vile. It’s archaic, sexist and misogynistic.

To describe your own child as scantily dressed is just next level disturbing.

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:45

@FlissyPaps but the meaning of what I said means just that.."hardly any clothes on". Both ways of saying it mean exactly the same thing. It's your opinion that it's sexist but I do not hold that opinion. I want my daughter to dress respectfully and consider other people too.

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 18:45

It’s also funny how it’s always the females that are described as “scantily” dressed. Males never are, are they? 🙄

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:46

@FlissyPaps I forgot to add, it's my husbands home too, so who's "right" should win out?

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:46

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 18:45

It’s also funny how it’s always the females that are described as “scantily” dressed. Males never are, are they? 🙄

I'd say the exact same if my step son was walking round in his pants/boxers

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 18:48

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:45

@FlissyPaps but the meaning of what I said means just that.."hardly any clothes on". Both ways of saying it mean exactly the same thing. It's your opinion that it's sexist but I do not hold that opinion. I want my daughter to dress respectfully and consider other people too.

Don’t try and act that you don’t believe “scantily dressed/clad” has no sexual or sexist connotations. Please don’t act dumb.

You want your daughter to consider other people? With how she dresses? Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for her.

There’s obviously no way getting through to you.
Which is incredibly sad.

I hope your daughter grows up to realise it’s never her fault if other people are offended or are uncomfortable with how she dresses in her own home. I really hope she does. No young girl should be slut shamed. Especially by their own mother.

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 18:49

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:46

@FlissyPaps I forgot to add, it's my husbands home too, so who's "right" should win out?

If your husband feels uncomfortable around his own daughter/step daughter then that’s his own issues. Sounds like his hard drive needs checking. ASAP.

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:50

@FlissyPaps Don't agree at all with your view of "sod everyone else". It's a very selfish and childish viewpoint. I will continue to tell her to cover herself up when in view of other people.

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:51

@FlissyPaps it's his stepdaughter and why would he want to see her with underwear on? I'm actually thankful it makes him uncomfortable. I'd be worried if it didn't.

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 18:51

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:50

@FlissyPaps Don't agree at all with your view of "sod everyone else". It's a very selfish and childish viewpoint. I will continue to tell her to cover herself up when in view of other people.

That’s fine.

I don’t agree with your archaic and misogynistic views either.

We obviously agree to disagree.

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:54

@FlissyPaps Not sure you know the meaning of the terms you just used but we will leave it there. Making my daughter present herself as respectful is in no way sexist.

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 18:57

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:54

@FlissyPaps Not sure you know the meaning of the terms you just used but we will leave it there. Making my daughter present herself as respectful is in no way sexist.

Nor do you it seems.

Calling your daughter “scantily dressed” is in fact, sexist.

Yes let’s leave it there 😊

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:58

@FlissyPaps I want to know why you think my husband should want to see his stepdaughter in underwear? You said the fact he is uncomfortable means he has issues. So you would prefer he enjoyed it?

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 19:02

She tries to walk round in this! Is that right in front of a man who isn't her father?

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 19:05

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 18:58

@FlissyPaps I want to know why you think my husband should want to see his stepdaughter in underwear? You said the fact he is uncomfortable means he has issues. So you would prefer he enjoyed it?

I thought we were leaving it there …. No?

I never said your husband should want to see your daughter in her underwear. Quote my exact words where you believe I said or implied that.

YOU said: ”My DH feels extremely uncomfortable if my 16 year old is scantily dressed.”.

(which is the most disturbing thing I’ve read on this thread)

YOU are the one who keeps bringing up “underwear”. Not me.

MY point is that EVERYONE should be able to feel comfortable in their own home. Nobody’s feelings “trumps” the others.

If someone is offended by someone else’s choice of dress in THEIR OWN HOME then that is THEIR OWN PROBLEM.

You’re being ridiculous and trying to justify your own archaic and misogynistic views. Your implying that women should cover up so they don’t make men uncomfortable. That’s sexist. And archaic.

Can we now leave it there? It’s going round in circles.

I don’t agree with you. And you don’t agree with me. We aren’t going to meet in the middle. Evidently.

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 19:06

@FlissyPaps You're twisting what I said. Anyway yes we will leave it there as you are being abusive.

NoSnow · 14/12/2022 19:12

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 18:45

It’s also funny how it’s always the females that are described as “scantily” dressed. Males never are, are they? 🙄

Except @FlissyPaps that men have been described in a similar way several times on this thread. Each time you have shrieked that you don’t care, that men are irrelevant, because we are not talking about men!!!

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 19:13

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 19:06

@FlissyPaps You're twisting what I said. Anyway yes we will leave it there as you are being abusive.

I’m not twisting anything.

Or being abusive for that matter. Im just horrified and concerned for a young woman who’s step father feels uncomfortable around her for wearing a crop top. And her mother describes her as “scantily dressed”.

It’s okay for you to ask me to explain but when I ask you to explain and quote you you pull out the “abusive” card. Funny.

Have a great evening. ✌

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 19:15

@FlissyPaps I can point out numerous examples of abuse in your posts but you will just deny it anyway so no point. Take care yourself.

FlissyPaps · 14/12/2022 19:18

NoSnow · 14/12/2022 19:12

Except @FlissyPaps that men have been described in a similar way several times on this thread. Each time you have shrieked that you don’t care, that men are irrelevant, because we are not talking about men!!!

Show quote history

Please quote where someone has described a man as being “scantily dressed”.

Men aren’t relevant here because the OP’s child is a female.

Were not talking about men. It’s ridiculous to compare a 16 year old girl wearing a crop top, jogging bottoms and a dressing gown to a shirtless man or a man in just boxer shorts.

Men are never told to cover up because they may make “women uncomfortable”. Men are never described as wearing “skimpy outfits”.

This thread is full of misogyny. No wonder why I’m “shrieking” about it. I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of women being blamed for why men can’t control their desires, instead of men taking responsibility.

AdamRyan · 14/12/2022 21:01

PepsiMaxAholic · 14/12/2022 19:02

She tries to walk round in this! Is that right in front of a man who isn't her father?

This top is what a lot of young women are wearing out in public. I think that's fine at home with family.
You sound like you don't trust your husband pepsi?

This thread has actually now gone totally bonkers. It's moved on from misogyny to misandry. Having to assume all men, even step dad's who've known girls since they were 7, will get turned on by teenagers and its naive to think otherwise. Being advised to look at porn to see the prevalence of incest porn.

Very very strange attitudes on here.

AdamRyan · 14/12/2022 21:03

flissy I'm totally in agreement with you. OP must be horrified by this thread now