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Original poster

DH wants to put dog to sleep

208 replies

mrsjackrussell · 11/12/2022 23:23

I wasn’t sure whether to post in here or doghouse. It is a relationship issue aswell.

I have a 17 year old dog. She has arthritis and is on painkillers for this. Morphine and anti inflammatories. Can’t be walked far at all because of the pain. She goes to hydrotherapy and swims for 10 minutes and the vet says that she is uncomfortable but not in severe pain. The vet and hydro therapist says that it’s only a matter of time before she dies . She limps about indoors, enjoys her food and the rest of the time sleeps.

The issue is that she wees and poos indoors nearly all the time now. It’s been going on for nearly a year even if I have the back door open. She’s not incontinent as she’s goes in certain places. It’s getting us both down but my Dh mainly clears it up because he’s always up early. I’m disabled but can get down and clean it up and do my share although it’s a struggle.

He keeps wanting to get her put to sleep because of this and I don’t agree with it. He says it’s getting him down so much and gets really angry over it like he thinks she does it on purpose. Iv got to the point where Iv called his bluff and said okay book the appointment and you take her but he says that he couldn’t live with himself and that I would hate him. Which I would . We just keep having arguments over it as he keeps getting annoyed and because she’s my dog it’s making me feel like it’s my fault.

Im really disliking him over this. We have other issues anyway but am I over reacting? I just don’t know what I can do about this. I can see his point of view but apart from PTS what else can I do? It’s like he wants me to get angry too and agree with him but I don’t.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 11/12/2022 23:38

I’m sorry OP, but I too think it is time to put your dog to sleep. It’s hard to let go, but she is on heavy duty painkillers and still in too much pain. She just eats, sleeps and toilets in the house. It’s been going on nearly a year and the medical staff say she could go at anytime.

One morning you will wake up and she will be gone, it’s going to happen and between now and then is only more sleeping to avoid the pain of being awake and the discomfort of toileting close to where you sleep. Your dog is only existing at this point.

I think you should ask for the vet to do a home visit and you cuddle her while she drifts off into a final sleep.

I had to do this for a cat of mine last winter. It was heartbreaking but when they are at the point that all that is left is suffering until they die, it’s not a kindness to keep them going.

MadameDe · 11/12/2022 23:39

I had a similar issue with my cat many years ago. I used to feel angry with ex-husband over it because it was all on me to sort out then when I got to the point of clearing up the poop for the 10th time and suggested pts, he'd be sitting with his cup of tea telling me how heartless I was. It wasn't that I didn't love her but the workload of looking after an elderly pet was to the point I couldn't leave the house. One day I took her to the vet for a check up and the vet suggested I do it. I was sad but it was the right thing to do - vet's won't put a healthy animal down.

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:40

Dotcheck · 11/12/2022 23:28

You’re disliking HIM over this? My word. The dog is in constant pain. When my dog got like that, he was so distressed over having accidents inside. The kindest thing, by miles would be to give that poor dog a peaceful end.
YOU are being very cruel

Thankyou.
I have discussed with the vet recently and he said that she's not ready to be PTS yet. The pain is under control and just discomfort rather than pain. The hydro therapist also said that he doesn't think she is ready yet as she swims for 10 minutes. He is very experienced. I am listening to the experts. It doesn't bother her at all doing it indoors as she walks into another room and does it.

Icanflyhigh · 11/12/2022 23:41

I'm sorry I think you are being very cruel. Dog obviously has no quality of life and you're keeping her going for you and only you. Your husband is right, PTS would be kindest

Simonjt · 11/12/2022 23:41

Why aren’t you getting up and cleaning if you’re the one deciding your dog isn’t ready to be put to sleep?

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:42

pastypirate · 11/12/2022 23:30

She's 17 and in pain. It sounds like your dh wants your blessing to do this and I can understand why. She sounds like a cherished and loved dog but she needs peace now. I am a dog lover and owner and when the time comes with my boy it will break me. I do understand x

He wants to PTS because he doesn't want to clean poo and wee up. It's nothing to do with the pain with him. I'm getting a bit frustrated because Iv explained that the vet has. Said she's in discomfort but not ready to PTS yet and also swims for 10 minutes in the hydro pool.

CousinKrispy · 11/12/2022 23:43

Ok. So if she is not toileting indoors due to incontinence or pain (though I'd maintain that no vet can tell you exactly what your dog feels), what is your plan for changing her behaviour? I don't think it's fair for your husband to have to live in a house that is soiled daily by a dog, however beloved.

electricdreaming · 11/12/2022 23:44

I think if your vet has said she’s not ready yet, then you need to reiterate that to your DH. Explain that you know it’s frustrating, but she won’t be here forever, and will as you say, be gone sooner rather than later. We tried to use those dog nappy things with ours, but they felt really undignified and weren’t that effective. We just put towels down and tried to keep her on hardwood floors rather than carpet so it was easier to clean. Have you discussed the incontinence with the vet? Is it just that she can’t walk easily to get outside, or she can’t control it?

Zigazagah · 11/12/2022 23:44

I’m sorry but in ‘discomfort’ is subjective and a term very close to pain, this when on regular morphine and anti inflammatory meds. You need to be kind to your dog and let her go

DramaAlpaca · 11/12/2022 23:45

Dear God, OP, your DH is right. He's putting the welfare of the dog first and it's about time you did the same. It's not about you, it's about putting your poor dog out of pain. I despair of people like you, I really do. FFS.

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:45

NoSquirrels · 11/12/2022 23:32

We just keep having arguments over it as he keeps getting annoyed and because she’s my dog it’s making me feel like it’s my fault.

It’s not your fault because she’s your dog, but your refusal to understand his feelings and to try to force him to be the one to make the final decision, is not very kind to him. That’s what frustrating him.

I know it’s really hard. But sometimes we have to do a final kindness for our loyal animal companions. Flowers

If you read the full post he's annoyed because of the wee not worried because she's in pain. He hasn't actually said that.
She's not ready too be PTS yet and the vet has told me that but just to stop him getting angry it's making me want to take her just to stop him taking it out on me.

Lysianthus · 11/12/2022 23:46

@Flowerytray you have changed your name after posting which makes it tricky.
However, I agree with most others that the kindest thing would be to PTS. You seem to be arguing against this, in which case you need to sit down with your husband and have a calm discussion because it absolutely does affect both of you and please don't forget about your dog's quality of life while you hash it out. For what it's worth, I would end the suffering but that is just one view and I appreciate this is a tough decision.

emmyren4 · 11/12/2022 23:47

Has your vet suggested Librella for the arthritis? It's a game-changer for a lot of dogs. I wonder if some of the behaviour is down to the meds making her drowsy or spacey?

I agree with the posters who say keeping her going might be the unkindness, but in your shoes I'd discuss Librella with the vet as something to try before making a decision.

Onnabugeisha · 11/12/2022 23:48

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:40

Thankyou.
I have discussed with the vet recently and he said that she's not ready to be PTS yet. The pain is under control and just discomfort rather than pain. The hydro therapist also said that he doesn't think she is ready yet as she swims for 10 minutes. He is very experienced. I am listening to the experts. It doesn't bother her at all doing it indoors as she walks into another room and does it.

Show quote history

I dunno, I’ve outlived several pets and the vet never said flat out that they were ready for PTS. Whenever they said things like “soon but not now” it was meant really to be “as soon as you are ready to let go” and the “not now” was to not pressure me into agreeing on the spot. Vets prefer it if you come to the decision and then contact them. As a pp said, they will outright refuse if there is no medical reason. But since you asked and they said the “soon but not now” to me that just means they would do it whenever you are ready and are being gentle with you as they can see you love her. They know it’s heartbreaking and not an easy decision to make.

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:48

Pumpkin20222 · 11/12/2022 23:33

It may be kindest to PTS solely for the comfort of the dog if she is struggling with pain and at 17 will be getting worse, particularly as the winter weather starts. Very hard to do. Is there a kind vet you can talk it though with? They may be able to make it easier for her - coming out to the house, where she is relaxed, rather than stressing her with a trip to the vet. Always had animals and adore them, but quality of life is important.

I spoke to the vet recently and he said that she's not ready yet and not I. Severe pain just discomfort. She swims for 10 minutes at hydrotherapy. How can she be doing that if she was in pain? The hydrotherapy man says that it's discomfort not pain and he's experienced. It's difficult as I have everyone here saying PTS and 2 professionals saying otherwise.

Sunbird24 · 11/12/2022 23:49

If you’re not ready to have her PTS then you need to come up with a solution for the house being used as a toilet. Your DH is currently seeing a future of daily clean-up duties that lasts until the day you think the dog’s in enough pain. If she’s still in discomfort on the morphine she’d be in horrific pain without it, speaking from experience!

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:49

Muddywaters1 · 11/12/2022 23:34

Your poor dog is suffering terribly. I'm surprised your vet hasn't suggested pts long before now. Do the right thing

They said she's not ready yet . What to do as everyone here says the opposite. She also swims for 10 m at hydrotherapy then has a run around.

NoSquirrels · 11/12/2022 23:49

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:40

Thankyou.
I have discussed with the vet recently and he said that she's not ready to be PTS yet. The pain is under control and just discomfort rather than pain. The hydro therapist also said that he doesn't think she is ready yet as she swims for 10 minutes. He is very experienced. I am listening to the experts. It doesn't bother her at all doing it indoors as she walks into another room and does it.

Show quote history

The thing is, toileting indoors is a valid sign in an elderly dog that it’s time to consider PTS.

That she’s not incontinent - that she knows she’s doing it inside, has control of it - is a bit beside the point, for me. She’s developed this habit out of necessity - that’s probably pain involved somehow in going outside. She’s more comfortable going inside. That’s not normal for a dog. And you won’t retrain her out of this habit now, she’s too old. It won’t get better, only worse.

The hydrotherapist is going to be happy you keep bringing the business. I’m not saying they’re doing anything wrong in their advice, but they have no incentive to advise you to PTS. But they’re not the ones cleaning up after her every day - and mostly neither are you.

‘Discomfort’ = pain. There are levels of pain and your dog is on heavy meds; without them she’s in greater pain.

Ask yourself, when will I be ready to discuss PTS as an option? What is the threshold?

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:51

CuordiMela765 · 11/12/2022 23:38

I know it’s hard op but the only decision like this I have regretted is when I have hesitated too long. I think she must be in more pain than you imagine if she is reluctant to walk outside. I’m very sorry.

She will go on short walks and also runs away if I let her off. I'm disabled so can't catch her.

Ladybug14 · 11/12/2022 23:52

Shes not incontinent yet she's toileting inside. To me this indicates that she's in too much pain to walk to the open door.

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/12/2022 23:52

I don't think you will hear anyone on here..

Lots of people appreciate your dh's point if view.

A yearnof cleaning up inside.. no wonder he has had enough.

You avoided the cost question ?

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:52

justasking111 · 11/12/2022 23:38

How much are you spending at the vets on Meds and hydrotherapy a month @mrsjackrussell ?

£110 but I get around half back I think from insurance.

Onnabugeisha · 11/12/2022 23:53

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:42

He wants to PTS because he doesn't want to clean poo and wee up. It's nothing to do with the pain with him. I'm getting a bit frustrated because Iv explained that the vet has. Said she's in discomfort but not ready to PTS yet and also swims for 10 minutes in the hydro pool.

Show quote history

I think you’re being unfair to your DH here. The cleaning up poo and pee is probably what triggers his anger over the whole situation of a dog that is in a great deal of pain and on so much medication she is sleeping most of the time.

Flowerytray · 11/12/2022 23:53

Simonjt · 11/12/2022 23:41

Why aren’t you getting up and cleaning if you’re the one deciding your dog isn’t ready to be put to sleep?

My husband gets up very early so he does the morning lot. I do it in the daytime.

Snoopystick · 11/12/2022 23:53

I know you’ve said that you have already talked to your vet, but there are also questionnaires you can Google which may be able to give you some clarity. Hard for you both.