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Original poster

Is it an overreaction to leave in these circumstances?

195 replies

SomePerspectivePlease · 11/12/2022 01:37

I need to know if I'm overreacting here and would like some perspective from others please.

My husband and I have a very rocky marriage, and it is mostly my fault. Not affairs/drugs/drink/debt or anything like that. It's issues with my personality and the unhealthy way I think. It's taken me a long time to see the truth about what I'm like, and the damage I've done.

We argue a lot, and things have been particularly bad this year. My husband has also had a lot of additional, work-related stress that is completely separate to our relationship, but has really taken a toll on him.

What I need help with is what's happened tonight. We had a argument. He is, quite rightly, angry with me about many things. In this instance I don't think I was in the wrong, and it was getting out of hand.

Regardless - our baby was asleep in her nursery. He was shouting, and I asked him repeatedly to please stop in case he woke her. He refused. Our baby has been ill this week with vomiting and a fever, and has been awake a lot the last three nights, so she's unwell and very tired. At the height of our argument, and amidst me begging him to lower his voice, he went and kicked her bedroom door to wake her on purpose, then said "That's a taste of your own medicine for you."

Now, I take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. He has every right to be angry with me, and if/when we break up, it will be my fault.

But what he did tonight is, I think, unforgivable. He intentionally did something cruel and spiteful towards our baby to get back at me. He has form for being petty, and straying into the milder forms of physical abuse (if there is such a thing) when angry, but never directed at our DD. I can't quite believe he did it, really. He will say that it shows how far I have pushed him.

Is it a complete overreaction to leave him over this? Even though almost all of our problems are down to me?

He has fought for our relationship the entire time we've been together, and his willingness to give me chance after chance that I didn't deserve to fix our problems has been the only thing keeping us together for years. I have not worked hard enough to sort these things out, and he's right on the edge of saying enough's enough. I don't blame him, and wouldn't have stayed this long if our positions were reversed.

But I don't know if I can continue in a marriage where I know that he has it in him to do something cruel to our DD to upset me, even when his anger is my fault.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
Magnoliamarigold · 11/12/2022 02:10

OP your husband is not right and you sound like you are in a very bad relationship. If you were my sister I would insist you and dc come and stay with me while you completely break up with this person. The situation you are describing doesn't sound normal.

Boobingtons · 11/12/2022 02:15

This sounds utterly toxic.

Bringing a baby into this was a crazy move. For her sake, you should leave.

Bigspender19 · 11/12/2022 02:18

You are NOT overreacting. That was an awful thing for him to do.

Coyoacan · 11/12/2022 02:22

Nope, you are not overreacting at all.

Sparkletastic · 11/12/2022 02:22

Whatever the rights and wrongs of your relationship are, if it has got to this I think you need to separate for your child's sake.

purpleme12 · 11/12/2022 02:24

It just sounds toxic all round and that's not healthy

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 02:26

Was him kicking her door as a taste of your medicine something that you have done before?

KateBalesCardi · 11/12/2022 02:27

I'm interested in what these 'issues with your personality' are OP, are they actually issues or has he just convinced you they are? Irrespective of that yes he has crossed a line which can't now be uncrossed, bringing DC into an argument between you is unforgivable.

PeacefulPottering · 11/12/2022 02:28

OP I think you have posted a really ambiguous post really? Of course he is not okay to be abusive, but you say you are as well? Do you want people to agree with you?

Original poster
SomePerspectivePlease · 11/12/2022 02:31

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 02:26

Was him kicking her door as a taste of your medicine something that you have done before?

No, I haven't done anything like that. He meant it in the sense that because I have made his life difficult, he wanted to make my life more difficult by waking her, so I'd have to stay up and get her back to sleep (which has been very difficult this week as she's ill). He said "Now she's up and that's your problem to deal with."

OP posts:
OldFan · 11/12/2022 02:31

If you say he's strayed into some physical abuse, then everything hasn't been just you @SomePerspectivePlease . Physical abuse is never ok. And what he did tonight was repulsive.

Please separate from him ASAP.

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 02:33

SomePerspectivePlease · 11/12/2022 02:31

No, I haven't done anything like that. He meant it in the sense that because I have made his life difficult, he wanted to make my life more difficult by waking her, so I'd have to stay up and get her back to sleep (which has been very difficult this week as she's ill). He said "Now she's up and that's your problem to deal with."

Show quote history

In that case he's a cunt. It's up to you what you do about it though.

OldFan · 11/12/2022 02:34

"Now she's up and that's your problem to deal with."

He's her parent too.

dolor · 11/12/2022 02:34

You both sound awful to be honest. That poor child.

My2pence2day · 11/12/2022 02:36

I think you both need to separate immediately. It sounds like he's had enough, to the point he's getting at your DD to get to you. Remove her from this toxic environment

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 02:37

I would like to know what he meant by 'a taste of your medicine' though. You do mention that you have issues with your personality. If you were a meek downtrodden sort, him kicking a door wouldn't be remotely relevant. I suspect that there are things you do which are not entirely healthy either. I'm not saying that what he did was acceptable. I'm just wondering about the extent of the truth.

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 02:39

It's just that when you give someone a taste of their own medicine, you usually mimic back to them, what they do to you. That's what is concerning me. That you have done similar.

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 02:43

If you were a meek downtrodden sort, him kicking a door wouldn't be remotely relevant. By that I mean that he wouldn't say that to you if you had never done similar. Unless he doesn't understand the meaning of the phrase.

To give someone a taste of their own medicine usually means to dish out a nasty dish to someone who has tried to feed you that same dish. It doesn't make sense that he would use that phrase unless he either doesn't know what it means or he's literally mimicking you.

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 02:44

Has he ever been violent or abusive before? Verbally? Emotionally?

I'm just finding it difficult to understand.

OldFan · 11/12/2022 02:50

@Notaninterestingfact OP said he has form for straying into the milder forms of physical abuse.

@SomePerspectivePlease His claiming it's because you push his buttons is classic, of course.

Original poster
SomePerspectivePlease · 11/12/2022 02:57

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 02:39

It's just that when you give someone a taste of their own medicine, you usually mimic back to them, what they do to you. That's what is concerning me. That you have done similar.

He doesn't mean that I too have reacted physically or violently during an argument. He is referring to the fact that I've made his life difficult so he wanted to do the same back. I've been selfish and haven't worked on a whole myriad of problems that have a huge impact on our relationship (and my own life). I've had my head in the sand about them for years because I didn't want to admit to my faults. His chosen method to make my life hard in that moment was to wake her up. I completely understand his desire for retaliatory anger. I don't understand how he could take it out on her.

OP posts:
Burnamer · 11/12/2022 03:07

OP - it’s not an overreaction to leave at all.

could you tell us a bit more about your relationship? I’m wondering if the personality flaws (yours) you talk about don’t really exist and in fact the relationship is much worse than you realise.

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 03:09

Because there's a baby involved here, I don't want to give any particular advice. I can only comment on him kicking the baby's door to wake her up. That is horrendous abuse of your baby (not just you). Using a baby as a weapon is awful. I have no idea what has brought you both to this place. You need to think of your daughter's life, health, sleep, happiness and then, if he's a normally reasonable sort, sort it out with him. If he's abusive, or you're abusive, then you need to try to engage some services who will protect your child.

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 03:18

I have been in a temper on many occasions but my dd's life was sacred in a way. I would literally lay down my life so that she could live and I have done. He bedtime, her life, her food, her schooling, her happiness were always put above anything else.

Because it's her father, and you state that you have caused issues, I'm not sure to be honest, which of you I would recommend looking after a baby (neither of you probably). You don't give much information apart from to say that he kicked the baby's door to wake her up as some sort of 'taste of your medicine'.

You need to figure out whether your baby is safe. You can tell us whatever takes your fancy. If your daughter is being woken up by her father in a fit of rage, your daughter is not really in a safe place. My concern is that I'm not sure whether you're the better option, given your own admission of causing issues.

Fraaahnces · 11/12/2022 03:22

It sounds like you’re both abusing each other and using the baby as a weapon is just not okay. Perhaps you also do this in other ways…. I think you both need to get emergency counselling and/or separate.