Is it an overreaction to leave in these circumstances?

[SomePerspectivePlease]

I need to know if I'm overreacting here and would like some perspective from others please.

My husband and I have a very rocky marriage, and it is mostly my fault. Not affairs/drugs/drink/debt or anything like that. It's issues with my personality and the unhealthy way I think. It's taken me a long time to see the truth about what I'm like, and the damage I've done.

We argue a lot, and things have been particularly bad this year. My husband has also had a lot of additional, work-related stress that is completely separate to our relationship, but has really taken a toll on him.

What I need help with is what's happened tonight. We had a argument. He is, quite rightly, angry with me about many things. In this instance I don't think I was in the wrong, and it was getting out of hand.

Regardless - our baby was asleep in her nursery. He was shouting, and I asked him repeatedly to please stop in case he woke her. He refused. Our baby has been ill this week with vomiting and a fever, and has been awake a lot the last three nights, so she's unwell and very tired. At the height of our argument, and amidst me begging him to lower his voice, he went and kicked her bedroom door to wake her on purpose, then said "That's a taste of your own medicine for you."

Now, I take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. He has every right to be angry with me, and if/when we break up, it will be my fault.

But what he did tonight is, I think, unforgivable. He intentionally did something cruel and spiteful towards our baby to get back at me. He has form for being petty, and straying into the milder forms of physical abuse (if there is such a thing) when angry, but never directed at our DD. I can't quite believe he did it, really. He will say that it shows how far I have pushed him.

Is it a complete overreaction to leave him over this? Even though almost all of our problems are down to me?

He has fought for our relationship the entire time we've been together, and his willingness to give me chance after chance that I didn't deserve to fix our problems has been the only thing keeping us together for years. I have not worked hard enough to sort these things out, and he's right on the edge of saying enough's enough. I don't blame him, and wouldn't have stayed this long if our positions were reversed.

But I don't know if I can continue in a marriage where I know that he has it in him to do something cruel to our DD to upset me, even when his anger is my fault.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

I don't think that the OP genuinely thinks that everything is her fault and that's why she added in passing that he has form for "minor" physical abuse before continuing to blame herself.

I think she wants us to persuade her over the course of the thread that it's him and not her. I fully believe that it IS him, but it would've been easier to get to that from the start

That’s irrelevant

If you were truly that awful and he was truly so great he would have left.

My guess you’re not and he is not.

He’s worn you down and now things start to escalate as you have a baby and he feels he has more control and you’re less likely to leave.

here have my first ever LTB

You’ll be happier on your own. Trust me.

I suspect you are being gaslit. Please seek help OP and leaving is what you should do!

You criticised yourself 16 times in your OP.

Is he articulate by any chance? Talks at you at lot?
It sounds like he likes to tell you repeatedly all your so called faults. But there is nothing in your list of any actual actions or things that you have actually done, it all hlkust seems like a long list of his negative opinions of you.

Ate you able ti give any solid examples of how your personality traits actually negatively impact on his life or on your own?

It us completely normal to defend yourself in an argument if you feel you have been accused of something you haven't done.

All the other things you have listed, without any actual examples, also do jot sound like terrible things.

What is terrible us what he did to your baby, deliberately waking a poorly child who will need their sleep to recover.

The mild physical violence is also unforgivable, no level of violence should be acceptable.

You should not be worried about him ending the relationship, you should be grabbing your daughter and running for dear life away from this abusive man.

@SomePerspectivePlease
Shame for your marriage but tbh it sounds toxic, not healthy for anyones mental health.
No marriage is perfect but your both going to mentally drain yourselves, yous need to think think about your daughter.

At the end of the day you gotta think about your wee one and everything you both do now is an example to her.

I really hope you feel better soon and choose the right path.
Sending healing ❤️‍🩹
X

OP everything you've said is a sign of emotional abuse and at worse coercive control. I know because it's happened to me. I don't want to hijack your thread but it's been happening to me for so long,

Not good enough
Lazy, unclean, can't do housework
Can't cook
Ugly
Other people can do things like work and look after babies, why can't you.
Not trustworthy with money and therefore shouldn't make decisions about them.
Other intimate problems that were really his problems but gaslighted me into thinking they were mine.
Either being compared to whores or being accused of being brainwashed when I try to argue/defend myself

A part of me believed all this so worked to 'rectify' myself.

Became all the things he wanted me to. But guess what? He still found fault in almost everything I did.

Check the graphic that a poster sent from the freedom programme. My STBEXH ticks at least 2 or more things from all the boxes.

It's taken me a looong time to come to the realisation that it's him, not me. But even now, the brainwashing and control he has over me makes me question every decision I make. Even the logical ones. They know how to get in your head.

It's taken me almost 25 years to ask him to leave.

You are lacking self esteem and confidence right now. Spend time with other people. Read self help books. Do something that you enjoy and you will realise that you are not the things he says you are!

Agree it’s not acceptable for his behaviour to directly impact Babies wellbeing,
However based on the rest of your message my advice would be to get some help through couples counselling. There are clearly some issues that you feel responsible for, and iv course you have a baby.,, and life is never a bed of roses when looking after a baby.
With the support of a councillor you’ll be able to work through your issues, and make some rational decisions about your future and importantly whether you separate or stay together the next chapter of your lives should bring more happiness.

He's done a right number on you op. It sounds like he has used your insecurities about yourself to make you feel everything that is wrong in the relationship is on you. Nothing you have said about yourself is that terrible & certainly doesn't justify his behaviour. He's gaslighting you & has now used your child to point score. This is unacceptable & is abusive towards your child who doesn't deserve to have her sleep disturbed because her Father can't control his anger. You need to make plans to leave for your child's sake as well as your own. Contact Women's Aid for support & advice.

I can’t stand posters like this. Why be so cruel as to kick the OP in the teeth when she’s already down?

It’s also statistically proven that abuse often either starts or dramatically escalates after pregnancy/childbirth.

The victim blaming has got to stop.

OP, you have had some excellent posts here, but I think the point that you need to marinade in the most that a few posters have made, is that even if you are not perfect, nothing that you do/have done ever justifies your husband acting abusively towards either you or your child.

The “look what you made me do” line is very commonly used by abusers, but is never, ever a justification for abuse. He is an adult who is responsible for everything that he does wrong. Do not hold him and yourself to different standards of personal responsibility.

Wishing you and your baby all the very best. There needs to be at least a separation where you both go your separate ways to work on yourselves as individuals. After 6 months to a year you can then decide what is best re: processing with divorce, as it will likely be clearer to you what is best at that point, but what is clear to me is that the current pattern needs to be sharply stopped from progressing.

OP, from your list of "faults" it is quite clear that the two of you are not compatible. He wants you to change yourself, to mould into what he wants, and not to be yourself.

If you want to fix your known faults, then get some counselling, but do it for yourself.

He cannot change your personality and your character. You are you. You are taking the blame for everything when he is just a control freak

You need to separate for your sake and for your child's sake.

So he's happy to make your sick child suffer/be disturbed/have more broken sleep to get at you?

That's not a parent, or a decent person or a reasonable person.

I'm very interested to hear about these personality faults of yours and bad behaviour of yours that has - apparently - justified what sounds like ongoing abuse.

Regardless of whose fault it is, I think you have got to the point where you both have to accept this relationship is not going to get any better and for the sake of your child you need to split.

You have made a great progress in preparation for a positive life: you are taking responsibility for what may or may not be your mistakes (in my case was realising that he did not lock me in the house, I could have left at any time but I chose to stay). These little changes help you to avoid falling in the very damaging “I am a victim” mode that will disempower and could trip you constantly in the future. See yourself as a survivor and start acting like one, it is now the time to start taking the steps, little by little, to prepare for a future better life.

I'll echo that the most important thing to take away from this thread is that nothing you do can justify your partner acting abusively towards you or your child.

'Mild' physical abuse is not acceptable from a partner. Emotional abuse towards your child - and let's face it, waking her up by scaring her is emotional abuse - is not acceptable. Whatever your 'provocation' he chose to respond abusively. I'm not entirely clear what the alleged provocation is but making his life harder is not a reason to be abusive.

This is not going to get better so in answer to your original post - it is not an overreaction to leave. Please do it safely and get in contact with an IDVA for support.

If a partner was that bad, you wouldn't stay with them, or have kids with them ... Or even stay after kids. People split up every day of the week, even with children involved.

People are rarely that much of a martyr.

Men especially are not.

Abusive men often have the modus operandi if convincing their partner they are bad, useless, flawed, difficult, weak untrustworthy ... Noone else would want them and they (the abusive man) ard doing them a huge favour staying as their partner.

Good excuse for abuse and good way if keeping women in the position and with the relationship dynamic an abusive man wants.

The other thing I thought is that you are never going to be done fixing yourself for this man, because it’s never going to be enough (and if you thought you were alright before you met him, no doubt you were, so what exactly are you fixing? You are as someone said upthread moulding yourself to someone you are not) - putting you down is how he makes himself feel better, and sorting that is not really your job.

His behaviour towards his child says everything you need to know about him.

A decent parent and person would never ever let their child suffer, let alone initiate suffering (might be a string word but that's what it is when they're ill and sleep deprived and he's initiating more of that).

What the hell? Why do you talk about yourself as if you're a mass murderer or something?! Your list of problems is not at all unusual, it's part of being a human being.
no wonder you have no confidence with that shitbag in your life.
Leave him for your daughter if nothing else.

I can’t get beyond your first post because what your “partner” said about your baby while kicking her bedroom door was enough for me. I would never trust him around her again. Your relationship is a revolting toxic mess. Please don’t fuck up your baby’s life.

does anyone else say this about you or is it just your 'D' H. Or is it other family members, who might also have a vested interest in keeping you down, an abusive parent for eg? Becuase from what you've said here you are a kind and caring parent, and honestly it doesn't matter how bad you are becuase the way your husband has behaved is awful and appalling. No one normal or reasonable behaves like that to their ill child, especially not a baby who doesn't understand anything other than how they are feeling in a moment. Babies don't know they will get better, or parents that have left the room will come back. All they know is how they feel in a moment, and your husband chose to delibarately make your baby feel scared and upset.

It doesn't matter how you are, it matters how you respond to this incident, and honestly if you don't leave him over this, that's on you, cos he's a complete cunt.

Before meeting H I bumbled along thinking I was an alright person. He’s shown me I have the potential to be great, but am actually being awful. He hasn’t taken any pleasure in doing so. It’s broken his heart, actually. He desperately wants me to sort my shit out so I can have a good life and we can have a happy future together.

Omg, he has completely fucked you up!

I just hope some day that you see it, for your daughter's sake.

Bloody hell your list of “sins” sounds like half the sodding population! Come on now if you think the majority of us are living up to our full potential then you are so very wrong.

I have moments when I’m on my A game but I have an awful lot of mediocre moments. My family in general are quite mediocre. I think you sound just fine and if those are your worst traits then so what?

Your husband on the other hand has done a number on you but hopefully this spiteful behaviour towards your baby will be the jolt you need to see what’s really happening.

This!!

Bloody hell your list of “sins” sounds like half the sodding population!

Ikr! Iwas just nodding along to a lot of them!