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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it an overreaction to leave in these circumstances?

195 replies

SomePerspectivePlease · 11/12/2022 01:37

I need to know if I'm overreacting here and would like some perspective from others please.

My husband and I have a very rocky marriage, and it is mostly my fault. Not affairs/drugs/drink/debt or anything like that. It's issues with my personality and the unhealthy way I think. It's taken me a long time to see the truth about what I'm like, and the damage I've done.

We argue a lot, and things have been particularly bad this year. My husband has also had a lot of additional, work-related stress that is completely separate to our relationship, but has really taken a toll on him.

What I need help with is what's happened tonight. We had a argument. He is, quite rightly, angry with me about many things. In this instance I don't think I was in the wrong, and it was getting out of hand.

Regardless - our baby was asleep in her nursery. He was shouting, and I asked him repeatedly to please stop in case he woke her. He refused. Our baby has been ill this week with vomiting and a fever, and has been awake a lot the last three nights, so she's unwell and very tired. At the height of our argument, and amidst me begging him to lower his voice, he went and kicked her bedroom door to wake her on purpose, then said "That's a taste of your own medicine for you."

Now, I take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. He has every right to be angry with me, and if/when we break up, it will be my fault.

But what he did tonight is, I think, unforgivable. He intentionally did something cruel and spiteful towards our baby to get back at me. He has form for being petty, and straying into the milder forms of physical abuse (if there is such a thing) when angry, but never directed at our DD. I can't quite believe he did it, really. He will say that it shows how far I have pushed him.

Is it a complete overreaction to leave him over this? Even though almost all of our problems are down to me?

He has fought for our relationship the entire time we've been together, and his willingness to give me chance after chance that I didn't deserve to fix our problems has been the only thing keeping us together for years. I have not worked hard enough to sort these things out, and he's right on the edge of saying enough's enough. I don't blame him, and wouldn't have stayed this long if our positions were reversed.

But I don't know if I can continue in a marriage where I know that he has it in him to do something cruel to our DD to upset me, even when his anger is my fault.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
Spliffle · 11/12/2022 03:24

This sounds abusive & extremely unhealthy all round. You need to leave immediately.

Tiredallofthetime · 11/12/2022 03:24

I do not agree that the OP sounds like the abusive one (or ‘awful’) but of course we have limited info. I do think that the overwhelming majority of people would try to let an unwell baby sleep.

I am really sorry you are in this position, @SomePerspectivePlease and I do think you need to try to leave. Please be safe Flowers

allthelittlelights · 11/12/2022 03:28

You don't elaborate on anything you have done, anything to 'make his life difficult'. I am very curious about this - can you give examples?

GrumpyPanda · 11/12/2022 03:31

This sounds like he's done a real number on you OP. You don't give any details but I very much doubt you're the one who's been causing issues within the relationship. He's ground you down so much you're assigning the blame for his anger to reasons within yourself - basically anticipating him blaming you.

Notaninterestingfact · 11/12/2022 03:32

allthelittlelights · 11/12/2022 03:28

You don't elaborate on anything you have done, anything to 'make his life difficult'. I am very curious about this - can you give examples?

I'm also curious as that would be the clincher as to whether this poster is an abused wife or an abuser. Either way, it doesn't sound safe for the baby. Sad really.

Mirrorcell · 11/12/2022 03:36

Op what are these personality issues?

His treatment of his baby is disgusting.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 11/12/2022 03:37

Your poor baby, what a toxic environment to grow up in.

SkylightSkylight · 11/12/2022 03:40

I'm worried that he's done a number on you, so that you think all the issues are your fault, & he's tried to make it work. I get the impression that on your own these 'issues' would vanish. Gaslighting at its finest.

but a decent bloke wouldn't wake up his baby (especially one that's been unwell) & that's the bottom line. He's not a decent bloke.

2pinkginsplease · 11/12/2022 03:46

He sounds horrid!

These personality flaws are they real or just what he tells you?

My aunts husband was abusive and he told her she had many flaws most were nasty lies but she was told it so often she believed him.

Persipan · 11/12/2022 03:52

SkylightSkylight · 11/12/2022 03:40

I'm worried that he's done a number on you, so that you think all the issues are your fault, & he's tried to make it work. I get the impression that on your own these 'issues' would vanish. Gaslighting at its finest.

but a decent bloke wouldn't wake up his baby (especially one that's been unwell) & that's the bottom line. He's not a decent bloke.

This was my reaction, too.

TheTeenageYears · 11/12/2022 03:58

What he did was awful and could never be justified. I would be quite interested to hear what you have done over the years that you believe is totally your fault OP? - if things were that bad he a) shouldn't have stayed together and b) should never have taken the risk of you getting pregnant. Given his behaviour I would put money on there being a huge element of issues on his part and far from it all being your fault.

roseheartfly · 11/12/2022 04:16

It's abusive to you and joke child.

It's so sad to hear how you are talking about yourself. You don't sound like the problem at all. He does

NOTANUM · 11/12/2022 04:26

Another one who is concerned that he’s making you the cause of all his problems. Would your best friends or sister (assuming you have others in your life) also say that you have “personality issues” or is it just him?

He sounds abusive.

HowCanIPayItForward · 11/12/2022 04:27

Can you give some specific examples of the issues that you have caused? I strongly suspect that he's gaslit you into believing things are your fault when they aren't as an excuse for his own abusive behaviour.

Zanatdy · 11/12/2022 04:28

No this is not an over reaction. It sounds like you definitely need to end this relationship as it’s become very toxic and that’s crossing a line kicking the babies door in my opinion. Crossing a big line and I’d be worried for what he would do next. Please leave

MsDogLady · 11/12/2022 04:34

Your sick baby needed to sleep, but her own father sabotaged her rest by kicking her door to startle her awake. Any man who would perpetrate such cruel aggression on his child is a shit father.

You say he has previously been physically abusive to you. Now both you and your baby have been victims of domestic violence.

@SomePerspectivePlease, protect yourself and your child and leave.

GetThatHelmetOn · 11/12/2022 04:38

There are times to get together and times to split. Normally, people to get to the point to be so nasty to each other long after the relationship is dead.

From what you say, you are horrible towards him and now, he has involved the baby while you were giving him a bad time. I wouldn’t play the high ground and leave him as if he was the problem after what he has been put through. Let him calm down and tomorrow sit together and CALMLY discuss if it is time for you both to split/ take some time off, be reasonable and respectful and expect him to be the same, at the end of the day you have a child together and you need to set a good tone sp you can co parent him well even if you split.

Puffalicious · 11/12/2022 04:58

GetThatHelmetOn · 11/12/2022 04:38

There are times to get together and times to split. Normally, people to get to the point to be so nasty to each other long after the relationship is dead.

From what you say, you are horrible towards him and now, he has involved the baby while you were giving him a bad time. I wouldn’t play the high ground and leave him as if he was the problem after what he has been put through. Let him calm down and tomorrow sit together and CALMLY discuss if it is time for you both to split/ take some time off, be reasonable and respectful and expect him to be the same, at the end of the day you have a child together and you need to set a good tone sp you can co parent him well even if you split.

I agree completely.

Nosleepforthismum · 11/12/2022 05:56

Are you actually as bad as you say you are or are you just believing the things your DH has told you? Obviously we are only hearing part of the story here but yes, I’d be done if my DH behaved like that. To where I’d be so furious he’d be chucked out the house there and then and I really don’t lose my temper often.

Penaltyshootoutfan · 11/12/2022 06:14

This is difficult as other than say you’re bad you aren’t giving any details, only details of what your husband has done, so it skews answers,

you don’t need mumsnet permission to leave an unhappy marriage and this is clearly and unhappy toxic marriage for both of you.

hattie43 · 11/12/2022 06:16

Boobingtons · 11/12/2022 02:15

This sounds utterly toxic.

Bringing a baby into this was a crazy move. For her sake, you should leave.

This . Why bring a child into this toxic relationship. How is this going to be good for her .

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2022 06:17

It sounds like you should have left a while ago; but his behaviour was horrible, poor baby being woken up on purpose.

I don’t necessarily think you’re the problem here either, he’s told you that you are but that doesn’t mean that’s true

3luckystars · 11/12/2022 06:20

I’m wondering have you actually done anything wrong or have you been brainwashed?

I know some replies here will be shocking you, but we are here to help. Can you tell us what you have done ‘wrong’?

P.S. your gut feeling about protecting your child is right. Don’t doubt that.

Pondere · 11/12/2022 06:40

Hmm I don’t know OP. It’s great you’re taking ownership of your own failings in your relationship, but there is a legitimate question about whether those failings actually exist or whether you have been gaslit (and I don’t throw that word around lightly like people on MN tend to do).

What do you think you have done that means you deserve such a response from your husband?

rainbowstardrops · 11/12/2022 06:53

I think you need to tell us what awful things you've done are. You seem to be 'taking the blame' for everything.
Unless he's a saint (which he clearly isn't) then your problems are not solely down to you.
I hope your baby is feeling better soon.