Is it an overreaction to leave in these circumstances?

[SomePerspectivePlease]

I need to know if I'm overreacting here and would like some perspective from others please.

My husband and I have a very rocky marriage, and it is mostly my fault. Not affairs/drugs/drink/debt or anything like that. It's issues with my personality and the unhealthy way I think. It's taken me a long time to see the truth about what I'm like, and the damage I've done.

We argue a lot, and things have been particularly bad this year. My husband has also had a lot of additional, work-related stress that is completely separate to our relationship, but has really taken a toll on him.

What I need help with is what's happened tonight. We had a argument. He is, quite rightly, angry with me about many things. In this instance I don't think I was in the wrong, and it was getting out of hand.

Regardless - our baby was asleep in her nursery. He was shouting, and I asked him repeatedly to please stop in case he woke her. He refused. Our baby has been ill this week with vomiting and a fever, and has been awake a lot the last three nights, so she's unwell and very tired. At the height of our argument, and amidst me begging him to lower his voice, he went and kicked her bedroom door to wake her on purpose, then said "That's a taste of your own medicine for you."

Now, I take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. He has every right to be angry with me, and if/when we break up, it will be my fault.

But what he did tonight is, I think, unforgivable. He intentionally did something cruel and spiteful towards our baby to get back at me. He has form for being petty, and straying into the milder forms of physical abuse (if there is such a thing) when angry, but never directed at our DD. I can't quite believe he did it, really. He will say that it shows how far I have pushed him.

Is it a complete overreaction to leave him over this? Even though almost all of our problems are down to me?

He has fought for our relationship the entire time we've been together, and his willingness to give me chance after chance that I didn't deserve to fix our problems has been the only thing keeping us together for years. I have not worked hard enough to sort these things out, and he's right on the edge of saying enough's enough. I don't blame him, and wouldn't have stayed this long if our positions were reversed.

But I don't know if I can continue in a marriage where I know that he has it in him to do something cruel to our DD to upset me, even when his anger is my fault.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

I couldn't help thinking inattentive ADHD

Me too in terms of OP forgetting chores, and maybe being emotional. I have traits of ADHD- people can have traits that are impairing without having the whole thing.

But these things could also just be a response to the anxiety and lack of confidence her abuser has instilled. If other things are on your mind then your mind isn't working at its best and it's easy to forget other things. And abusers will effect someone's emotions and then make them feel they're irrational.

Also, abusers will find someone vulnerable and/or target a person's weaknesses and keep berating them for them so they're easier to abuse.

I had one that had a go at me for having to say sorry all the time for my numerous minor mistakes -(which he always reacted arsily to.) It just sounded to me like Hardy saying to Laurel 'that's another fine mess you've got me into.' So laughable. I didn't say anything as I wasn't brought up to manage confrontation, but I thought 'have you heard yourself?'

If you didn't live with him you wouldn't have to bother about any of these supposed faults, they only exist in a relationship (with him.) So if you lived alone you might take longer than the average person to get round to the washing up sometimes. So what?

Mine told me I couldn't live by myself (the implication beingI was so inept and mental.) But I knew it was bollox because I'd lived on my own before completely passably.

If you were not with him, think how freeing it would be to let go of all this "hard work" and how you can start to believe you are a lovely mum and decent person.
It sounds exhausting to have a list to work on that is set up to fail.
A partner should build you up and frankly think that you are the best person they could want to be around. If he doesn't think this then either he isn't very nice of you are not suited to each other. In either way you deserve better.

I know that many of these faults are widespread among people generally. But the problem is that I'm all of these things, all of the time. And I continually promise (and mean it) to improve, and then don't. So he's at the end of his tether with me.

First question: who exactly are they a problem for? As you said yourself, before him you were getting through life just fine.

Second question: What are his faults? The things that piss you off, frustrate you, make you sad? How hard is he working to correct those faults?

Have you considered you might have ADHD?
Have you also considered forgiving yourself for being the way you are?

My question is this: in all this time what work has he done on his twattery and abuse? Is he working on being less of a wankstain or is he simply regaling you daily with a list your “faults? I think we all know he has done fuck all.

Yes, I was thinking this. OP keeps telling us how horrible she is, but where’s the evidence? OP’s long list of self-criticisms are just normal human flaws. Honestly, it reads like a political prisoner’s forced confession, or a message from a kidnap-victim with Stockholm syndrome.

Whereas “He has form for being petty, and straying into the milder forms of physical abuse (if there is such a thing)”— no, there isn’t such a thing! Abuse is abuse. He is not your friend or wise guide. He is an abusive control freak.

Please get yourself and that innocent baby out of his reach.

Sounds like it's irrelevant. You need to leave because the situation is totally unhealthy. Scoring points against each other etc - you're parents not teens,

Before meeting H I bumbled along thinking I was an alright person. He’s shown me I have the potential to be great, but am actually being awful. He hasn’t taken any pleasure in doing so. It’s broken his heart, actually. He desperately wants me to sort my shit out so I can have a good life and we can have a happy future together.

Good lord! He sounds very abusive. This is a classic abuser's script: "This hurts me more than it hurts you" and "I have to do this for your own good."

Just to take one example:

I’m defensive and awful at taking criticism. I tend towards protecting myself during marital disputes rather than trying to take on board constructive criticism, listen to H’s feelings, understand the problems and work on a solution.

How is your husband at taking criticism? Does he listen to you? Does he take on board constructive criticism? Does he listen to your feelings? Does he understand the problem?

It sounds as though, by kicking the baby's door to wake her up, as a response to a marital argument, the answer to all those questions is "No."

I'm defensive and awful at taking criticism

Most people are - especially when that criticism is unkind and deliberately calculated to make you feel bad about yourself.

Super post from @Alcemeg.

Keep reading it OP.

It is the truth.

Nothing on your list comes anywhere near the violence he exhibited towards your child.

IMO absolutely relationship ending.

You are the definition of an abused woman who has been thoroughly gaslit.

He is a very dangerous character.

Well done for deciding to go to your GP.

You need to make your plans.

Tell him nothing.

Your relationship is over.

He ended it with his violence towards your child.

Be clear on that.

There is NO saving this relationship.

Just protecting your child.

Women's aid would be a good idea to call for support.

Tell your GP the truth.......he has assaulted you before.

Stay safe.

Blacksax is right too @SomePerspectivePlease . You are 'awful at taking criticism' (i.e. don't back down as immediately as he would like) because on one level you know that his haranguing you is unwarranted.

Hope you are ok, OP?

My heart breaks reading your posts.

This man is abusing you and he will abuse your DD.

He needs to go.

100% this.

All your ‘flaws’ you’ve listed, OP - you could be describing me. I genuinely do struggle with all those things. I’ve recently been diagnosed with combined-type ADHD after feeling like I’m just a bit of a crap, defective person all my life.

The main difference here is our DHs. Mine is not perfect and gets inwardly frustrated when my behaviours have an adverse impact on him, but supports me to talk through it in a way that works for us both and implement strategies to help me approach our relationship more confidently. He also recognises that it always, always takes two to tango and any argument has ‘fault’ on both sides. We BOTH modify what we do to make things more harmonious.

I’m not saying this to brag in any way but to show you that’s how a decent man reacts to challenging situations - what your DH does/did is neither normal nor acceptable. You deserve better, lovely.

It's abusive to your daughter to deliberately wake her when she's ill. Imagine him doing that to a slightly older child and you'll realise how abusive it is. He's abusive to you, verbally and emotionally and sometime physically, and now he's abusing your daughter who he is treating as an extension of you. It's going to get worse not better, get the fuck out.

Even if you're totally right about your personality flaws (and I think there's at least another angle on most things you've mentioned) that doesn't justify his constant character assassination and abuse. And I say that as someone with ADHD whose husband would never treat her like this.

From your description of your "flaws" I was going to ask about ADHD.
None of that makes you a bad person and it sounds like you were quite happy with yourself until he came along.

I don't think that you are all of those things all of the time.

I think that you, like I was many years ago, ground down to nothing with my list of 'faults' that I was given, that I couldn't even make a start on 'fixing' them. Were some true? Sure! but none of them were crimes of the century and most were made out to be far worse than they are by my Ex. Some, if you looked at them from a different angle, aren't flaws really at all!

Like me being emotional - well, yes, but that also translates into me being kind, caring, and helpful to anyone if I can so if I bawl at some soppy movie or get emotional when I see sad stuff on the news, I'd rather be that way than not see people who are hurting and be unwilling to help them if I could.

My DH has most of what's on your list. And yes, sometimes he drives me cracked when he's not done what he said he would and I've reminded him loads of times but that's who he is and I work around that now - I give him deliberately early deadlines to be somewhere, knowing that by the time we ARE actually in the car and 'late' that we are actually on time. He's finally doing a diy thing that has been on his list for the last three months. But honestly, I wouldn't swap him for the world. He's got so many other fabulous traits that far outweigh his disorganised nature.

When you say that you hold a grudge - I'll happily admit that I do. And proud of it. That's boundaries! I will give anyone a chance, but you fuck me over and I'll keep you at arms length after that at the very least. Nobody gets to hurt me over and over again.

So maybe with a bit of time and space to think, you might come to see that some of your strengths have been flipped into 'weaknesses' and some of your 'weaknesses' have been blown out of all proportion.

One thing I know for sure - you are a fucking brilliant mum to have all that insanely clever gaslighting from him and still instinctively immediately know your DD is where he crossed the line and prompted you to consider leaving - now that is a grudge worth holding onto and never forgiving!

Bravo you. What a great and pertinent post. I hope the OP is reading as this is great advice.