OK so here is my essay 😊
First and most important: You are not “abusing each other” as PPs have said. Please don’t let careless comments like that feed into your self-doubt.
Before meeting H I bumbled along thinking I was an alright person.
Hmmm, I bet you did! And I’m sure you were, and always remain, a perfectly alright person.
I tend towards protecting myself during marital disputes rather than trying to take on board constructive criticism, listen to H’s feelings, understand the problems and work on a solution. So, the mature, respectful approach. Instead I usually try to justify my actions and seek to show why I’m not at fault.
Your approach would be perfectly rational if indeed, as I suspect, your actions are perfectly reasonable (to any normal human) and you have to swallow a whole crock of shit to start seeing them as problems. We all defend ourselves against unfair accusations. That's only healthy.
When you are listening to H’s feelings, how much does he listen to yours?
A loving relationship is based on mutual respect.
How often does he say you’re right? How often does he say he’s sorry? Is he sorry for what happened last night? (Any normal H would not have done it in the first place, but if they had, they would be down on their hands and knees begging for forgiveness this morning.) Does he understand your feelings about it?
I’m not reliable. I say I’ll do things, and then don’t. I forget/don’t get around to it.
Could this be because deep down, you know it’s bullshit?
I don’t communicate very well at times which is frustrating for him.
Could this be because there’s not much point, because he never understands you or gives any weight to your thoughts and feelings? Could it be because you dread conflict, and you talking to him about anything at all that doesn’t follow his script (accepting your place in the dog box) rapidly escalates out of control? Could it be that you are frightened of his reaction when things do escalate?
I tend to go with my heart, rather than my head. So I tend to have emotional responses based on how I feel, rather than more logical reactions based on the facts of what actually happened. H is the latter.
Ahhh, I know this one all too well. The logic. The feeling that you need to defend yourself in a court of law, otherwise you’re just wasting his time. I remember how coldly the “facts” were always laid out to me.
You know what I eventually learned? That feelings – especially your own feelings! – are very important and should never be trumped by “logic”. Belittling and ignoring them, or allowing someone else do that, is a surefire way to lose touch with your own inner compass. Which is, of course, exactly what he wants.
I hold onto resentments, which skews current events in my head.
You cling to the faint and fading understanding of what really happened, and deep down you know his version is wrong even though you feel powerless to do anything about it.
And by the way, the very language you’re using (e.g. “current events”) tells a story in itself. It shows how dissociated you have become from everything that's happening to you.
I’m oversensitive.
Oooohhhh, let me guess. He says this a lot, especially when you are upset by the fact that nothing going on in your relationship makes any sense and you are distressed by the depressing, sometimes terrifying, situation you find yourself in. Part of you knows that his “constructive criticism” is just a form of bullying. Your heart knows what’s really going on.
What would happen if YOU accused HIM of being oversensitive? If you accused him of overreacting? If you told him that life would be a lot easier if he treated you with respect and understanding? Have you tried saying these things to him and it didn’t go well? Or daren’t you even try?
How often do you feel sick and shaky about conflicts in the home? Do you have the perpetual feeling that if only you could explain things better, things would magically be OK because he would finally understand? He will never understand you, OP, because that's the last thing he ever wants to do. The last thing he will ever do is let you believe that your version of things makes sense. Because the day you understand that is the day you kick this monster out of your life.
I stick my head in the sand about problems rather than tackle them. I just hope they’ll go away, or he’ll decide to stop being bothered by them. Which is selfish and unfair or me. And immature.
Are you sure it’s unfair of you? You see, if he is just kicking up a fuss about nonsense, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to hope he just stops being such a wanker. Unfortunately he won’t, because he literally enjoys making your life a misery. It’s probably because you are so bright and capable that he has to keep putting you down, otherwise you might work things out for yourself and leave him, and then he would lose the pleasure of tormenting you. The “unhealthy way you think” is actually healthy and right. You only doubt it because he has been gaslighting you for years.
He’s shown me I have the potential to be great, but am actually being awful. He hasn’t taken any pleasure in doing so. It’s broken his heart, actually. He desperately wants me to sort my shit out so I can have a good life and we can have a happy future together.
I’d love to be a fly on the wall for his amateur dramatics (and I bet he calls YOU the drama queen!). Broken his heart, my arse. If he desperately wanted you to “sort your shit out” he would be loving and supportive, encouraging you to do things, instilling you with confidence. No, he desperately wants you to think there is something wrong with you that’s causing all the increasingly seismic problems in your relationship. There is no happy future with someone like this, who thrives on chaos and drama because it confuses you enough to keep you under his control.
He has form for being petty, and straying into the milder forms of physical abuse (if there is such a thing) when angry, but never directed at our DD. I can't quite believe he did it, really. He will say that it shows how far I have pushed him.
I’d love to know who persuaded you that his forms of physical abuse are “milder” – but I can guess. Luckily, there is still a part of you that knows the truth; it’s the tiny remains of yourself that added “(if there is such a thing)”. Carefully enclosed in brackets, just the way you have learned to manage all your thoughts and emotions with him because it isn’t safe to let them out.
He's a vicious bully, but the good news is that in ramping things up a notch by involving your child, he has made a stupid mistake. Because you can accept anything he says and does to you, but you are rightly protective of your baby. Use that understanding to get out. If you can’t do it for yourself, because you are so worn down and feel so worthless, just focus on doing it to protect her. Over time, you will heal from this relationship and one day you will go back to happily “bumbling along thinking you’re all alright person” because guess what? – you are.
I was married for a long time to someone similar, and like you I just went along with his version of things because resistance of any kind made life intolerable. It’s taken me many years to heal, but a quarter of a century later I married again. This time to someone who has never said an unkind word to me. Who prioritises even my trivial needs (e.g. will remember to record Strictly Come Dancing for me 😊). Who would hate to see me cry (my ex-DH thrived on it).
When I first met him, he said it was important to treat a woman like a precious flower, nurturing her so that she can bloom. I couldn’t imagine that anyone would want to do that, but here we are and he does and it’s been like that for almost a decade.
Can you imagine that? Can you imagine having absolutely no fear about saying whatever you like to your H because he will never be cross with you and always respects your feelings and wants the best for you and supports you and always tells you you’re amazing, even (especially) when you feel you’re not? Who, whenever you do what you have been conditioned over most of your lifetime to think might be “a bad thing”, tells you it’s no biggie and you’re the most amazing woman in the world? Who, should he ever do something that bothers you, listens to your complaint and says “I see. That’s fair. Sorry, it won’t happen again”? I’m crying a little because your posts have reminded me how far I have come. I was in your situation for a very long time, and that’s what I thought life was. I just want you to know that a better future is possible, even for people like you and me who never imagined it.
OP do you get a glimmer of truth in any of this, does any of it ring bells for you, light any lights? Please use Google as your friend, starting with DARVO. Read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” Reach out to family and friends and quietly line up the help you need. I am sure they will be relieved to help get you away from his grip. Keep posting here.
Please don’t share your doubts with him, or God forbid try to have a sensible conversation with him about any of this; he will shout you down and possibly worse. If kicking your baby’s door open was just a taster of what you can expect when he’s just keeping things ticking along the way he likes them, imagine if he got a whiff of you finally waking up to your situation.