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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it an overreaction to leave in these circumstances?

195 replies

SomePerspectivePlease · 11/12/2022 01:37

I need to know if I'm overreacting here and would like some perspective from others please.

My husband and I have a very rocky marriage, and it is mostly my fault. Not affairs/drugs/drink/debt or anything like that. It's issues with my personality and the unhealthy way I think. It's taken me a long time to see the truth about what I'm like, and the damage I've done.

We argue a lot, and things have been particularly bad this year. My husband has also had a lot of additional, work-related stress that is completely separate to our relationship, but has really taken a toll on him.

What I need help with is what's happened tonight. We had a argument. He is, quite rightly, angry with me about many things. In this instance I don't think I was in the wrong, and it was getting out of hand.

Regardless - our baby was asleep in her nursery. He was shouting, and I asked him repeatedly to please stop in case he woke her. He refused. Our baby has been ill this week with vomiting and a fever, and has been awake a lot the last three nights, so she's unwell and very tired. At the height of our argument, and amidst me begging him to lower his voice, he went and kicked her bedroom door to wake her on purpose, then said "That's a taste of your own medicine for you."

Now, I take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. He has every right to be angry with me, and if/when we break up, it will be my fault.

But what he did tonight is, I think, unforgivable. He intentionally did something cruel and spiteful towards our baby to get back at me. He has form for being petty, and straying into the milder forms of physical abuse (if there is such a thing) when angry, but never directed at our DD. I can't quite believe he did it, really. He will say that it shows how far I have pushed him.

Is it a complete overreaction to leave him over this? Even though almost all of our problems are down to me?

He has fought for our relationship the entire time we've been together, and his willingness to give me chance after chance that I didn't deserve to fix our problems has been the only thing keeping us together for years. I have not worked hard enough to sort these things out, and he's right on the edge of saying enough's enough. I don't blame him, and wouldn't have stayed this long if our positions were reversed.

But I don't know if I can continue in a marriage where I know that he has it in him to do something cruel to our DD to upset me, even when his anger is my fault.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
Talon01 · 11/12/2022 07:05

I think more honesty is needed here.

You've talked about his bad behaviour but then talk about you having the issues.

Are you a nightmare to live with in a daily basis?

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 11/12/2022 07:19

Was he mirroring behaviour you usually display?

daisychain01 · 11/12/2022 07:21

I completely understand his desire for retaliatory anger

please check your logic here, @SomePerspectivePlease

his retaliatory anger was to take it out on your child.

that is inexcusable, your baby should not be dragged into the middle of this toxic relationship.

please consider separating because of the risk to your daughter.

dapsnotplimsolls · 11/12/2022 07:32

You need to leave and get some counselling. Like others, I'm wondering what you've done to cause so many problems or is this what he wants you to think?

DeliberatelyObtuse · 11/12/2022 07:36

Get out of this relationship

It is utterly toxic for your daughter

AlwaysGinPlease · 11/12/2022 07:40

Get out. He's making you believe you're at fault for everything. YOU ARE NOT. Maybe next time he'll kick the baby to get to you. Get out now. You need to keep yourself and her safe!

Fairislefandango · 11/12/2022 07:41

What he did was truly awful. The fact that he was willing to upset the baby just to piss you off is extremely worrying. No decent person would behave like that to a baby.

The fact that he is capable of doing such a calculated, unpleasant thing makes me wonder if the blame for your rocky relationship should really be on him not you. I mean.. nobody's perfect, and I'm sure you have some faults, but it wouldn't be the first time an MNer's abusive husband had deliberately brainwashed her into taking the blame for what's wrong with their relationship.

It would help if you gave some examples of the kind of things you're supposed to have done.

Mirabai · 11/12/2022 07:47

What are all these terrible personality faults OP? Or has he simply been brainwashing and gaslighting you for years?

Between the lines he sounds fucked up and abusive and he’s made you believe you’re the problem. That’s how he keeps in control.

happinessischocolate · 11/12/2022 07:52

Please leaves

I've no idea whether you are abusive or whether he's done such a number on you that you now think everything is your fault, but the fact that he deliberately woke the baby up and then it's your job, not his, to settle the baby again implies that he's mentally abusing you.

Liveafr · 11/12/2022 07:55

Kicking furnitures during arguments is never a small thing. It's a prequel to actual full-on domestic violence. It's a subtle threat and manipulation (see how violent I am capable of being? Better behave or next time it's you I'll be kicking)
The fact that it's your daughter's bedroom he is kicking is alarming on another level. Not only is he dragging her into a toxic argument, he's also making a subtle threat towards her (I am capable of scarying my own daughter in order to me make you behave).
For her sake you need to leave immediately. We now have solid evidence that children who witness domestic violence have the same trauma and mental health issues than those who are abused themselves. Please please don't bring her up thinking this is a normal relationship and what she can expect from a partner in the future.

Justcallmebebes · 11/12/2022 07:57

You're either brainwashed and conditioned into thinking you are the problem or you genuinely are the problem. We don't know, but to bring a baby into this toxic mess was very irresponsible of you both.

Can you take her and go to family?

Whatmarbles · 11/12/2022 08:02

All through your post it is about you and your problems and the way you are.
Is it your dh who plants all the blame at your door?

You sound brow beaten, get out before he takes what is left of you.

Poppyblush · 11/12/2022 08:08

Leave. Just leave the c£&”.

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/12/2022 08:12

Gas lighting is the word to pop in my head reading this.

Who told you everything is your fault?

SuperFly123 · 11/12/2022 08:13

You should never have brought a child into this awful mess. Now you have, you need to protect them and end this toxic, entirely dysfunctional relationship.

Bluetrews25 · 11/12/2022 08:24

Are the things you have done wrong things like:

wanting to see a friend or your family
not wanting sex whenever or however he does
wanting to buy something for yourself
dressing wrongly
a man looking at you

All of these are his issues and are classic abuser behaviour, along with making you feel it is all your fault and 'the milder forms of physical abuse'.

I suspect you are an innocent in this.
I think you and DC need to escape.

MulderSmoulder · 11/12/2022 08:25

Liveafr · 11/12/2022 07:55

Kicking furnitures during arguments is never a small thing. It's a prequel to actual full-on domestic violence. It's a subtle threat and manipulation (see how violent I am capable of being? Better behave or next time it's you I'll be kicking)
The fact that it's your daughter's bedroom he is kicking is alarming on another level. Not only is he dragging her into a toxic argument, he's also making a subtle threat towards her (I am capable of scarying my own daughter in order to me make you behave).
For her sake you need to leave immediately. We now have solid evidence that children who witness domestic violence have the same trauma and mental health issues than those who are abused themselves. Please please don't bring her up thinking this is a normal relationship and what she can expect from a partner in the future.

Please listen to this OP. If you won’t leave for your own sake do it for your daughter.

User12310 · 11/12/2022 08:45

Another one here who wonders if he’s been gaslighting you about your ‘terrible personality’. Do you disagree with him on things? Ask him for things like help with housework? Are you sometimes unhappy and not full of sparkling wit? Have friends? If it’s this kind of stuff then, you aren’t terrible.
It’s the angry retribution and the ‘you deserve this’ vibe that is horribly abusive in my opinion.
Please go xx

WeyAyeMan · 11/12/2022 08:52

The way you talk about yourself absolutely screams gaslighting, you also mentioned physical abuse?

I don't know why but I have a feeling that you are not the problem here, despite how many times you've been told you are.

Either way your baby doesn't deserve to be in such an environment, please contact women's aid and they can support you with leaving this absolutely toxic relationship

Goldbar · 11/12/2022 08:53

SkylightSkylight · 11/12/2022 03:40

I'm worried that he's done a number on you, so that you think all the issues are your fault, & he's tried to make it work. I get the impression that on your own these 'issues' would vanish. Gaslighting at its finest.

but a decent bloke wouldn't wake up his baby (especially one that's been unwell) & that's the bottom line. He's not a decent bloke.

This. I suspect he's underplaying his own role in your relationship issues because it suits him to pin the blame on you.

You're right... what he did is unforgiveable. If he is going to harm/punish the baby as a way of getting at you/ keeping you in line, you both need to get out.

MichelleScarn · 11/12/2022 08:58

I don't think anyone can say anything other than that poor baby and what a toxic horrible environment with the little info and skirting.round what is actually happening or the op is actually meant to be doing!

Maunderingdrunkenly · 11/12/2022 09:09

OP you’re in that mindset where if you think you take responsibility for it all then you can fix it. You can’t!
its bizarre that you’ve pinned him as some kind of saviour and so accepting of your flaws. And what does fighting for your relationship mean? How has he done that? it would be useful to know what these hideous flaws you’ve got are. And what are his?

VahineNuiWentHome · 11/12/2022 09:11

His behaviour was not acceptable.
There isn’t such a thing as mildly abusive.
I dont know what makes you think the issues with your relationship are all your fault but from that snippet, I’d encourage you to step back from that idea. Being ‘hard work’ is utter a reaction to being abused and pushed to your limits.

VahineNuiWentHome · 11/12/2022 09:15

@SomePerspectivePlease your ‘realisation’ that you are difficult o ovecwuth and it’s your fault,
Have you done some work with a counsellor? If not I’d encourage to do so (I suspect you’ll be surprised at what you ‘discover’)
Or is t because your DH has repeaditly been pointing out what was wrong with you and you suddenly got it?

AngelontopoftheTree · 11/12/2022 09:18

That's a shocking thing to do to a sick baby, and he should be utterly ashamed of himself.

On another point, the fact you seem to be taking on ALL of the blame for problems in your relationship makes me think he's been gaslighting you for many years. If this is the one thing that makes you leave, it is probably a good thing. He sounds awful, and you sound ground down.