Is it an overreaction to leave in these circumstances?

[SomePerspectivePlease]

I need to know if I'm overreacting here and would like some perspective from others please.

My husband and I have a very rocky marriage, and it is mostly my fault. Not affairs/drugs/drink/debt or anything like that. It's issues with my personality and the unhealthy way I think. It's taken me a long time to see the truth about what I'm like, and the damage I've done.

We argue a lot, and things have been particularly bad this year. My husband has also had a lot of additional, work-related stress that is completely separate to our relationship, but has really taken a toll on him.

What I need help with is what's happened tonight. We had a argument. He is, quite rightly, angry with me about many things. In this instance I don't think I was in the wrong, and it was getting out of hand.

Regardless - our baby was asleep in her nursery. He was shouting, and I asked him repeatedly to please stop in case he woke her. He refused. Our baby has been ill this week with vomiting and a fever, and has been awake a lot the last three nights, so she's unwell and very tired. At the height of our argument, and amidst me begging him to lower his voice, he went and kicked her bedroom door to wake her on purpose, then said "That's a taste of your own medicine for you."

Now, I take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. He has every right to be angry with me, and if/when we break up, it will be my fault.

But what he did tonight is, I think, unforgivable. He intentionally did something cruel and spiteful towards our baby to get back at me. He has form for being petty, and straying into the milder forms of physical abuse (if there is such a thing) when angry, but never directed at our DD. I can't quite believe he did it, really. He will say that it shows how far I have pushed him.

Is it a complete overreaction to leave him over this? Even though almost all of our problems are down to me?

He has fought for our relationship the entire time we've been together, and his willingness to give me chance after chance that I didn't deserve to fix our problems has been the only thing keeping us together for years. I have not worked hard enough to sort these things out, and he's right on the edge of saying enough's enough. I don't blame him, and wouldn't have stayed this long if our positions were reversed.

But I don't know if I can continue in a marriage where I know that he has it in him to do something cruel to our DD to upset me, even when his anger is my fault.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

LTB. It sounds miserable for all of you.

Plus have you ever read / seen Girl on train. Where the bloke tricks her in to thinking she's an abusive drunk. And it turns out she's not, he is a liar and a manipulator and makes her think she's done things wrong when she hasn't. Could he be doing that to you?

Either way. End it. And stick to it. You don't want your child growing up in the midst of this emotional chaos.

So he's told you that you have a lot of problems with your personality and he's given you chance after chance and he's great to stay with you?

I imagine that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. And he's telling you that t keep you where he wants you.

Honestly? It sounds like you are in a relationship that is built on emotional and physically abusive behaviour. It seems like your Husband is doing more gas lighting than British Gas.

Not the greatest marriage to have had a child in, howevereyou can change the outcome for your child by ending the marriage and leaving.

Maybe consider doing the Freedom course? This will show you how to recognise abusive behaviours and toxic relationships moving forward.

Contact Womans Aid to get advice on how to proceed with ending and leaving.

This, and also that research shows that it is common for abusive situations to escalate around the time of pregnancy and having had a baby.

Why is it your problem baby is awake, it's his child too? Or would he just leave her upset?

The whole relationship sounds awful, I agree with others you need some counselling and to consider separation. I doubt it's true you are so terrible but the power imbalance dynamic of him being the saintly one and you being forever in the wrong and grateful for his forgiveness is really unhealthy. And now he is using it as an excuse for being harmful to his child as well as you. There's no excuse for what he did.

I strongly suspect, OP, that the person with most of the faults in this relationship is your DP. It sounds like he has done a real number on you. What you need to understand is that it is NEVER okay to use any kind of physical or verbal intimidation. And what he did to your daughter shows he is incapable of seeing her as a full human being - he just used her as an object to get back at you.

He sounds like a truly horrible, abusive man, OP.

"My husband and I have a very rocky marriage, and it is mostly my fault. Not affairs/drugs/drink/debt or anything like that. It's issues with my personality and the unhealthy way I think. It's taken me a long time to see the truth about what I'm like, and the damage I've done".

How is this mostly your fault?. Why do you think these problems within the marriage are solely down to you?.

I think you've been utterly conditioned by your abusive H to think this; he has likely gaslighted you for many years. What are your parents like; did you also grow up in an abusive environment?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What you are describing here is domestic violence. This is NO environment for your baby to be at all raised in; this marriage is over in all but name now.

If you are so awful Op, why on earth has he stayed with you, let alone decided to have a child with you?

It's hard to think of what he did being acceptable under any circumstances.

Who plays tit for tat like that & involves an ill baby (or any child of course).

He's convinced you you're the problem. Oldest trick in the abusers book.

I thought this on reading the OP. Run away from this man, what he did to get back to you involving his own sick baby should tell you all you need to know.

The 'unhealthy way you think'

Unless you're planning a killing spree or having dodgy illegal thoughts I'm going out on a whim and saying he's referring to anxious thoughts.

Please look up the freedom course.

Sorry for the shit blurry info graphic. Available on Google op.

It sounds like you're being gaslighted by a dangerous, abusive man. I really hope for your sake and your baby you manage to get away from him.

I imagine your personality issues will magically disappear when he's no longer around

People saying it was irresponsible to have a baby, how is this helpful? The baby is here now, and many men are not abusive until their partner is pregnant/baby is born.

To those who think I’m being gaslit and am not at fault as much as I say I am - thank you for your concern and benefit of the doubt, but unfortunately I really am to blame. Before meeting H I bumbled along thinking I was an alright person. He’s shown me I have the potential to be great, but am actually being awful. He hasn’t taken any pleasure in doing so. It’s broken his heart, actually. He desperately wants me to sort my shit out so I can have a good life and we can have a happy future together.

To those who asked what my problems are; here’s a brief outline. I’ve never written it all down before and I found it hard to articulate it.

I have lots of difficulties.
⁃ I’m defensive and awful at taking criticism. I tend towards protecting myself during marital disputes rather than trying to take on board constructive criticism, listen to H’s feelings, understand the problems and work on a solution. So, the mature, respectful approach. Instead I usually try to justify my actions and seek to show why I’m not at fault.
⁃ I’m not reliable. I say I’ll do things, and then don’t. I forget/don’t get around to it.
⁃ I don’t communicate very well at times which is frustrating for him.
⁃ I tend to go with my heart, rather than my head. So I tend to have emotional responses based on how I feel, rather than more logical reactions based on the facts of what actually happened. H is the latter.
⁃ I hold onto resentments which skews current events in my head.
⁃ I’m oversensitive.
⁃ I stick my head in the sand about problems rather than tackle them. I just hope they’ll go away, or he’ll decide to stop being bothered by them. Which is selfish and unfair or me. And immature.
⁃ You know those posts on here by exasperated parents who are worried about their teenagers who aren’t making an effort at school? Bright and capable, but aren’t good at working hard or motivating themselves? And when they do make a small effort, struggle to maintain it? Well that was me, and fast forward to my mid thirties and I am still the same. Immature, work-shy, not confident. And it applies to many aspects of my life. I say the right things about wanting to work hard on our relationship and my personal flaws, but don’t actually put the effort into doing it. I struggle with anything that requires hard work, and obviously marriage is one of those things. And it’s difficult enough for couples who aren’t dealing with the problems I bring. So I’m lazy/unmotivated/don’t persevere.

So my issues, plus my lack of effort/mental block/fear of failure over fixing them was a disaster waiting to happen. As he frequently points out, if I really cared about these things and wanted to change them, I would. I feel that I do care, and do want to change, but I rarely follow through. Actions speak louder than words, and all that. He’s right.

I’ve let him down hugely and it’s not his fault. It’s bad enough that I’m having a mediocre life, that could be so much better if I just tried and kept at it, but it’s awful of me that I’ve continued being like that once married. Subjecting him to a shit marriage. He deserves so much more. I’m ashamed of myself. And yet, I don’t seem to be able to make the changes needed. He’s sick of hearing “I’m trying” and not seeing any difference. It’s toxic, sad, and shameful.

To those asking about why our DD being awake is only my problem - DD is breastfed and usually when she wakes in the night, I feed her back to sleep. So H isn't involved with night wakings.

Thanks for all of your responses by the way. I am reading through them all.

Or, you know, maybe you have ADHD, or depression, or are just worn down by his criticism. You haven't let him down. You are who you are. Who you've always been. He knew who you were when he decided to marry you and start a family. He doesn't get to decide you're not good enough now. He doesn't get to tell you you need to change.

If this incident was in isolation, maybe it would be an overreaction. However, it sounds like this one incident is a turning point for you.

I don't know how people can continue in relationships while constantly fighting. That's not a normal, healthy relationship.

If you want to leave, take this opportunity. You'll be fine 💗💗

Nothing in your list is anything terrible. Everyone of us Is guilty of one or more of those things, many of them together at times.

you are a grown woman, not a child. You are entitled to reject constructive criticism. You can disagree. You are referring to your OH as if he was ‘the grownup’.

together with the baby incident it still smacks of abuse to me. Or at best, an unhealthy relationship. You may find yourself a better, happier person on your own…

What he has done is unforgivable and never justified no matter what you did. How could anyone do that - quite unfathomable? What’s worse is that he knew she was unwell and was in need of sleep. Really shocking.

You need to separate from him ASAP. Otherwise what could happen next time…? He could do something worse…

He reacts logically?? Does he now? The man who refused to stop shouting and deliberately woke your baby up?

You can't take criticism? And yet you are insanely self critical in your posts.

I think there's a distinct possibility this man has done a number on you. You need to explore the possibility you are being abused. Speak to women's aid in confidence or find some online resources.

OP are you sure your relationship problems are all your fault or has your DH just persuaded you that’s the case over time? It sounds like emotional abuse if so.

You have brought a child into this toxic mess and regardless of fault you need to protect her (the one person who is not at fault at all). You need to separate. Asap.

I am sorry, he does not sound very nice or very supportive.
How long have you been together?
I don’t think you are describing behaviour which is awful, by the way, on your part. I think you are describing behaviours which may be caused by anxiety and low self-esteem, and then you have someone criticising you consistently and not allowing you to defend yourself, which further leads to anxiety. I wonder how you would be with someone who was rooting for you; who recognised that you found some things difficult and celebrated the success you did have.

I entirely agree with this.

I'm telling you now, you are not awful. Or 'to blame'.

You have been brainwashed. It's actually really upsetting to read just how far he's gone to make you believe how much at fault you are.