DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

[Ifeelabitweird]

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil.
He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep.
He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop.
I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

Oh for god's sake. Do people really struggle to understand that for some of us, spending a full day with other people's kids, siblings, parents etc is JUST NOT FUN? Has nothing to do with pandering to men at all...in fact really the OP is expecting him to pander to her need to spend christmas with HER family. Fine, I get that OP wants to - makes sense, it's her family. It also makes sense that he doesn't want to.

It's nothing to do with him being a man. I am a woman of similar age and I would also hate this expectation. Other people's families just aren't that interesting to me.

He is not rejecting you so please don’t be upset. A few Christmases ago, after a terrible year including the sudden death of my comparatively young father, all I wanted was Christmas Day on my own. All alone with an M&S Xmas dinner for one, watching episodes of Friends all day. Nothing Christmassy.
All I wanted was a day of peace and reflection and I am positive it would have been therapeutic.
Instead, I had a horrendous day pleasing everyone else andI felt run into the ground.
Give your DP the space he needs. Family get togethers can be a pain for “outsiders”.
Good luck, enjoy the few hours with your family and enjoy the rest of Christmas with DP.

Oh for god's sake. Do people really struggle to understand that for some of us, spending a full day with other people's kids, siblings, parents etc is JUST NOT FUN?

Yes. Yes they do. Dunno why - lack of imagination, lack of empathy, bloody mindedness that their way is the only way?

So what if its not fun for him? Sometimes we have to do things we don't particularly enjoy for the people we love. I wouldn't want to be with someone who found a day or so with a big happy noisy family so impossible they'd rather sulk at home.

I don't think it's up to you in this case. You'll be with family, he's had the offer and if he changes his mind, fine. If not leave him be

It doesn't mean you're being walked over if he won't go. You shouldn't be forcing him to go when he's expressed he's uncomfortable with so many people on Christmas. It sounds exhausting to me as well.

The only reason I can think of, that would excuse his behaviour, is if he's lost a child

Fuck me backwards. He now needs to come up with an excuse so some internet can decide if it's acceptable or not?

It's one bloody day! The OP will have a lovely time with her family not having to worry that he's ok and he'll do what makes him happy on his own.

The rest of your post is utter nonsense

He's not sulking! He's spending the day how he enjoys!
.why doesn't the OP make ghe sacrifice and spend the day quietly with him?

My DH and me have 2 grown up DC and in the past we used to go to mum and dads as they loved putting on a christmas dinner. Dynamics have changed as DC have gotten older, and my younger sister married her DH whom my DH doesnt not get on with, especially when BIL has had one too many to drink. They have two little ones as well who are gorgeous, but I know being at mum and dads all day results in being over tired and over stimulated; we know this with our own two when they were babies. So DH and DC and me are eating out Christmas day at the pub, and then going for an hour or so to mum and dads in the evening.

This way everyone is doing everyone a favour. Mum and dad gets what they want because they get to see everyone, we get what we want as its not all overwhelming for us being there all day, and sister gets what she wants as theres no tension between our DH's and babies are not being overwhelmed with loads of people about and not being able to sleep with all the chatter.

Maybe theres some kind of compromise your DP and your family can come up with. All day Christmas day together can really be too much, so perhaps by reducing the hours, it might be much better, plus you get a little bit of time to yourself too.

What a deeply unpleasant person you must be, that this is your first thought.

God, why would she when she has her lovely kids and grandkids to see!

I suppose someone will take issue with us not eating turkey because none of us can stand it.

....The point went right over your head didn't it?

She can go to her lovely kids, because they are lovely for her.

He doesn't want to be there because they are not his lovely kids. He wants to stay in his lovely home.

So if we sometimes have to do things we don't want for our partners then it makes sense that works both ways right? And she can go to his house?

Or crazy idea I know, they both spend Christmas in the way that makes them happy?

Internet RANDOM.

Actually @Janieread its the OP who's sulking not him.

Yep. He seems perfectly happy to be left alone. I don't see any suggestion of 'if you go to your family you realise I'll be here ALL ALONE on Christmas day, don't you??' he's looking forward to Xmas, just not doing this one thing.

spending the holidays with all those people I hardly know would be pure hell.

Doubly if I'd lost all my other family members.

I'd be happy with a little one on one either before or after. Special meal or dessert plus unwrapping a small gift together.

I am completely with you. My husband died just over three years ago. This will be my fourth Christmas without him, and we don’t have children. For the first one I decided I wouldn’t do anything that we might have done together - his loss would have been hanging over me. So family was out. Since then, I’ve taken the same approach to every Christmas. I’ve been away, I’ve spent it with friends, I’ve spent it home alone (lockdown). But I haven’t spent it with family…. Some things will never be the same now, so why pretend they will? Start new traditions, spend time doing other things.

My husband loved Christmas - I was never that bothered, but liked it because he liked it. I don’t want to spend it with my own family, never mind the in-laws. That’d make for a miserable time for me, and sorry, but I’m not doing that for anyone, even at Christmas. Fortunately my family understand, as do his, and so I’m not being pressured into something I don’t want to do. I’ll see my in laws Christmas Eve, I’ll see some of my family Boxing Day and some at new year. But, even three years in , I don’t have the energy to spend the whole of Christmas Day playing happy families when my world has changed.

I'm heavily introverted and spending Xmas with anyone other than my partner , who is even more introverted, or my kids is really draining - it's the sort of mental drain of having a day at work.

My partner doesn't have an issue with my kids coming over for Xmas (he's not their dad and they are adults with homes of their own), but if he said that he didn't want to go somewhere, then that's ok, because we are not joined at the hip. He joined our big extended family holiday abroad once, but hasn't joined again, and that's ok. He doesn't stop me from going anywhere, but at the same time, I have told him explicitly, that if he asked for a Xmas of just the 2 of us, I'd accept that - neither of us should get to have our way all the time.

OP, hopefully you can find a compromise that works for you - perhaps a Xmas breakfast the 2 of you before you go to your family, or plan a Boxing day 2nd Xmas.

Other people's families can be really hard work (often our own are bad enough!). Spending Christmas alone in quiet and calm sounds absolutely lovely, so I'd be supporting the partner to do whatever works for him.

Ah yes, the voice of a someone who has to have things their way…and someone completely lacking in empathy. You seem to have rather missed the point, as is so often the way with those who feel the need to tell others how to live their lives.. There’s no indication that he’ll be at home crying into the baileys. Rather that if he does go it’ll be no fun, and I see why. Being at someone else’s family Christmas even when you know them well is a chore. Doing so when there’s a sharp reminder you have no family left? Sorry, no, I’d stay at home too, having some quiet time to myself, reminiscing. At no point has he suggested she shouldn’t go, and indeed the OP seems to have a more balanced approach than yours!

But an empathetic internet random, not a controlling, bullying internet random ;)

Oh really???? Juts a dead child would excuse the behaviour would it? Glad you've cleared that up then.

My mother used to leave me in the creche part of department stored for hours on end whilst she shagged her bit on the side. I remember the shop assistants coming up to me asking where she was. My father was an alcoholic who used to get pissed more at Xmas. They both used to attack each other after a couple of wines, whilst I watched. At one point I was woken up by one of them who's face was covered in blood. My brother died when I was young and the majority of my relationships were unhealthy and riddles with physical, sexual and emotional abuse although, thank God, I finally met a decent man and who has finally slowly made Xmas time a little bit more appealing. However 30+ years of bad times doesn't get erased that easy.

Now of course my case is an e, treme but you have mo idea whta a person has gone through, especially when told second hand on a forum