DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

[Ifeelabitweird]

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil.
He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep.
He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop.
I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

Re-thinking this, I think there is a fundamental incompatibility here because OPs partner is happy to spend Xmas day alone rather than do something he finds difficult, and OP's feeling about being in a relationship is that she doesn't have to go to things like family parties on her own because she finds going alone difficult. Not that either side is wrong with what they want but there's a mismatch somewhere. What is his attitude to other family and friend get togethers, OP, or is this the first time it's come up?

I'm in you partner's situation - what is left of my family (2 people) are on the other side of the world, I've had no family in the UK for 26 years.

When I was married, I made it clear to my husband before the marriage that we wouldn't be spending every Christmas with his family - we would alternate years, like we would have if I had family here. It worked out well, as it meant we got our own Christmas together, which we always enjoyed. I was lucky that his family were very understanding of my situation and never caused a problem with it.

@rwalker it certainly is when it comes to things as important as family yes. Quite simply, she’ll have years of this shit ahead of her if she doesn’t either get rid of him or he embraces, it one of the two. It’s like having children together, there’s no compromise you’re in it or you’re not.

somethings are deal breakers and this is one of them.

He's not leaving you

Is your OH's family as important as yours or does he have to toe the 'my family or else' line?

Obviously if I was with somebody who also had a big family, I will be facilitating bringing all of them together and if that wasn’t possible then yes of course the other half’s family is as important, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.
We’re talking about misery guts who wants to sit on his own all day rather than join in with her family so there’s a complete incompatibility.
these types literally suck the joy out of every occasion.

Hi everyone
thanks for all your thoughts/comments, they’ve really helped give me a better perspective.
just to clear a few things up, he’s definitely not a knob or a cocklodger! He would never ask me not to go to my dd’s, he’s happy for me to go.
The popping in thing is a great idea, but she lives a long way away.
I’m going to talk to him about it today, but there’s no way I’m going to insist he comes, and I DO respect his feelings
I hope everyone manages to get through Christmas Day relatively unscathed (pun probably not intended 🤔)

doesnt take long does it 🙄 what on earth in the OP suggests any of the first half of your post.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain Couldn't agree with you more! I've go so so sick of the looks of pity since my divorce when anyone hears I might be spending Christmas on my own. I freaking love it! I've made the mistake - twice - of accepting a pity invite to gatecrash another families Christmas, and both times it's been awkward as fuck ... the second time I heard an elderly relative say to another (knowing full well I was in hearing range) 'why is SHE here?' .... decided then and there I'd never accept another invite.

My partner of 13 years usually works Christmas Day. I've spend 10 completely on my own. It's one sodding day!

Obviously if I was with somebody who also had a big family, I will be facilitating bringing all of them together and if that wasn’t possible then yes of course the other half’s family is as important, but that’s not what we’re talking about here

Nice deflection that avoids answering the question there.

these types literally suck the joy out of every occasion

How does he suck the joy out if he's not even there?

FYI OP, this thread is now in Trending, which is probably why the sudden influx of people who think it's in AIBU and want a bunfight 🙄

I hope you and your Dp both have a lovely Xmas x

The thing is, these are events loaded with expectations. To be cheerful. To have conversations. To hold or entertain the babies. You have to be on form all
bloody day when you've got your head full of other stuff. And it's all one family and you're the outsider. And there will be lots of family stuff and reminiscing.

It's a no fro me. And frankly I'm surprised you're even wondering why he wouldn't want to!

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain well, I can’t answer the question, anything other than hypothetically, because I don’t have a partner. Would you like me to come and drop one that doesn’t exist in my mind. What a very weird comment.

they suck the joy out of the occasions precisely by not being there by withdrawing their presence, makes it all about them.

The has made it very clear that she has now resolved the issue and was going to talk to her partner so that’s it. There’s no need for any further messaging other than facilitating people acting out fantasies in their little heads as to how things might work out in their strange altered reality.

Merry Christmas 🎄

Letting him have a say and a choice is not “being walked over”. Forcing him will not end well.

I’m with your partner here. My parents are still alive p, but we have a very fractured relationship and we didn’t have a great childhood growing up. I spend my Christmas with my husband‘s family plus my sister-in-law‘s family; there can be as many as 20 of us and quite frankly I find it too much. I’m trying to understand how you think it’s giving into him and putting his needs before yours just to let him not go. He’s not denying you your Christmas day with your whole family;he just doesn’t want to go himself, and that’s fine.

You are trying to make this about you!

Insist? Boundaries?

You're the one he needs boundaries against if this is your thinking.

There is nothing worse than being a bit reserved, a bit shy, a bit anxious, a bit unhappy than to have a bunch of people around you who are all being jolly, the life and soul of the party and expecting you to join in. I'm glad OP that you are going to talk about the situation, I just wish others could show empathy for those of us who might be in the former categories. We might be pleasant people but clearly don't want the loud party at any price.

I'd respect it but it would upset me and I'd find it sad that he didn't want to be with my kids.

Well, I'm going to go against the grain here. I think he sounds ridiculous. The only reason I can think of, that would excuse his behaviour, is if he's lost a child, and it would be too painful seeing you with yours at Christmas. Has he?

I'm guessing that he's in his 60's or older, given that you have grandkids, and at that age we have ALL lost our parents. You've opened up your life and family to him, and he's basically said "no thanks". I would be extremely hurt and confused by this.

I can't quite believe all the namby pambying responses, about how it would be difficult to have a day with your family. Really? A Christmas meal cooked for him, some drinks, and maybe some games. He's not being asked to work on the roads all afternoon, FGS

Sorry, but he sounds totally lacking in empathy and without resilience. Also quite selfish, letting you go alone, knowing that you won't really enjoy it, as you'll be worrying about how he's doing all alone, crying in to his Bailey's.

Uurg. I bet you've spent most of your adult life pandering to men's wants and needs (haven't we all), and now you're finally getting to your golden years and have to deal with this wet lettuce. I'm a similar age to you Op, and I couldn't be doing with it.

I also noted he's at yours 5 days a week. Is he paying his way?

Alone? It's her bloody family.

And yes spending the day surrounded by someone else's family for Christmas sounds hell to me I'd rather be in my home with my comforts. This is no hardship to OP.

Oh @Ifeelabitweird do you know what if it's a long way I think that's even worse for him, there's no escape, he has to travel and stay for the duration. I would compromise, respect his wishes and go alone; you will probably relax more not having to be concerned on whether he is uncomfortable.

I agree.

Miserable sod. Way to make Christmas all about him!

@PauliesWalnuts

💐

Bloody hell@TortugaRumCakeQueen what did you have for breakfast?