how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

[yellowsplashes]

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

You seem to have taken it badly in terms of how they see you, assuming they haven't acknowledged that you've done well, are in a better place etc.
@Hadtocomment I would be concerned if OP HADN'T taken it badly.
It might mean her boundaries are as skewed as someone who accepts surface gestures as 'kindness' & imagines that commercially-driven lunch invitations deserve gratitude.

However, it may not that at all.
It is that. They have already exploited OP's personal trauma by breaching any ethical standpoint you care to mention in disclosing facts about her DV & early history.

You don't want to be too harsh I don't think.
You don't want to go telling DV survivors how to feel, or how to conduct themselves.
You are coming over as patronising & controlling as the bloody DV-Tourist Couple with that. Please quit it.

THese are people who have looked out for you in the past and been supportive and they sound like they really care about you.
So?
Some work introductions & kind words are NOT worthy of special mention, & do NOT require any payback. It's base level human decency ffs. You're presenting this as if you imagine that OP needs these twats in her life. She doesn't.

They could be terribly hurt if you go in all guns blazing
Fuck me, let's centre the Saviour Complex Couple over OP's right to privacy.
Never mind her hurt.
Never mind her humilation.
Never mind her being treated as more divvy than a wealthy teenager.

Following up daily - that’s hounding you!

My advice is write down in one or two sentences what you want to say (polite “your parents suggested I hire you but I am happy in my career and personal life so do not need your services, best of luck” then pick up the phone and call their daughter. If you don’t get through leave a message or email. That’s it, done. No need to agonise.

Give it 10 mins more of your time and that’s it move on. Block their numbers if they continue to contact you about this.

Congratulations on turning your life around btw!

They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30

You don't need them any more, OP, and they can't handle that. They still see you as the vulnerable teenager who relied on them for help.

I was going to say a similar thing. Huge violation of your right to confidentiality. I can only hope that the daughter is more mindful of boundaries and respect than her parents are.

ooops acidentally hit send too soon. So some bold fails & unfinished business, but maybe best to leave it there, apart to correct from "wealthy teenager" to "directionless teenager", which is far more accurate & highlights just how condescending this pair are being to OP.

OP, hope you are doing ok.
Please take no notice of ANYONE telling you how you ought to take care of these twats' feelings ahead of your own. You owe them nothing - not even courtesy at this point. Nasty pair of money-grubbing gossips.

THIS

Surely, she can't be a good 'life coach' if her parents are now having to find her clients... Sounds like she could do with one of her own.

If they're chasing daily, that's definitely in fuck-them-off territory now. 😮

Contact the DD directly and suggest it will damage both her and her (impeccable, surely) business' reputation if her parents continue to attempt to drum up clients for her in this manner. And that it would be beneficial for her to strongly suggest to them that they should butt out of their "helping", now she's a proper grown up with a proper job... <ahem>

Age is relevant because if I was going to let someone go rummaging around in my head talking about abuse, I’d want them to have a degree level medical qualification at the very least. Which she can’t have at 19. And I want to choose that professional very carefully- if I wanted therapy at all that is. Of course you don’t have to accept therapy from some random! Wtf

Yeah I’m with @saraclara as well - this is all kinds of wrong OP - you need to reinforce your boundaries which are understandably fragile after what you’ve been through. I think this relationship has run its course and that’s putting it politely. Sanctimonious smug twats. I’m angry for you.

This. You're not case study!

Plus, IF you decided you wanted therapy, advice or coaching of any kind, then it would be entirely down to you to choose that person. The relationship with a coach is very personal by its nature, so it's crucial to have someone you like/trust/respect/can be open with...and has some expertise to offer.

Please don't be railroaded into this, however well-meaning you think they are.

Tell them you don't feel this would work for you as you are in a great place in your life and career. If you feel you need to, you could tell them you'll ask colleagues if they would like to sign up to the DD's new practice.

@KettrickenSmiled Spot on. The suggestion that “it may not be that at all” is gaslighting.

I think cut them off at this stage OP. They're demonstrating a complete lack of boundaries. As a therapist myself I'd echo the other posters who have mentioned a core competency for the daughter being an ability to recognise what is out of her professional remit and competencies to work with (one of many issues with being in a completely unregulated profession like "life coaching"). Trauma-informed work is highly specialist, I'd be concerned that if she seeks work with anyone else who is still processing and living with trauma then she could do real harm to people.

From what you've described of them all I don't think they'll listen to reason, so best to distance yourself from them and stop contact.

Bully for your 19 year old.
No matter her personal excellence, she is not qualified to advise survivors of ACE & DV.

Neither are many 60 year olds. It is highly specialist, takes years of graft & grief, & done wrongly, can cause considerable problems for those meant to be benefiting from it. See PP post above about how badly wrong it went for her, how much it set her back, & the re-emerging mental physical symptoms she had to deal with - all due to a 'coach' who was well out of their depth.

Omg, all these replies about speaking to the woman and reviewing her website etc - don't engage, just say no! The more you get involved the more they're going to push it on you. Just say thanks for thinking of me but this isn't a service I need. If they keep pushing it then you say 'I've said I don't need this service, it's really upsetting that you keep asking me, please can you stop?' End of.

Agreed. Their behaviour is disgusting and their level of persistence disturbing. You are not their pet 'victim'.

I have to question why they're pushing this quite so enthusiastically and am not liking some of the answers. Your decision not to pigeonhole yourself into the category of victim' is admirable, and one which anyone with your true interests at heart would applaud. It's ringing loud warning bells for me (also a one-time CSA/DV victim) that this isn't the case.

These people have put you into the box in which they believe you belong. As with many people who move on in life and do well, they seem incapable of accepting that you've progressed to a position in which you're not dependent on them and are doing fine on your own, thank you very much.

I find their lack of boundaries and cavalier betrayal of your personal details about your traumatic past deeply concerning, and it does beg the question of why they took such interest in your circumstances in the first place. They of course had no right to repeat these to anyone.

PP (above) is correct. When people are this insensitive and capable of bulldozing boundaries to this extent, blunt responses are all they understand. The more I see you post, the odder this situation and their interest in you seems. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to stem from genuine concern for your welfare. I'd take a big step back.

They are following up daily.

Blimey!

I think, if you’re feeling kind you could call her and have a general chat ‘about the services she offers’ so that then you can tell her directly that ‘It’s a bit awkward because I’m not looking for any counselling or life coaching support at the moment but your Mum and Dad have been so supportive in the past I’m sure they’re just trying to help by matchmaking us.’ Then tell her you’ll recommend her to anyone if they ask.

Then send her parents an email saying you’ve spoken and she sounds great so you’ll recommend her to people, even though you’re not looking for any coaching yourself right now.

I wonder why these people need you to need their help so much? Perhaps seeing themselves as your saviour is the thing that holds their marriage together? Or maybe they are struggling to cope with their daughters independence and this makes them instinctively try to compensate by trying to draw you back in?
Just speculation on my part, their issues are not your problem but they seem to be trying to use you to solve something for themselves?

This is perfect! 😂😂😍

(I would need to send something more ... blistering ... but OP's CF's, OP's choice. And this will really get up their snotty noses.)

Or you could go this approach, which would be totally valid.

The one thing you mustn’t do is ignore it. Whether you go softly-softly or more firm, just make sure they get the message ASAP.

And you know to be more wary of them in future.

@Kennykenkencat It sounds like your child is very hard-working and doing great things. The situation in this thread though is very different. No 19 year old is going to be professionally-qualified enough to work with complex trauma. Also I note you refer to her as a therapist- A life coach is not a therapist, or qualified to be one in any way! However I think part of the issue is that people view the two terms as being equitable. It sounds like your child is working within appropriate boundaries and competencies... By even considering approaching OP as a potential client this 19 year old is already demonstrating that they are not.

I'm sorry but I'd absolutely judge her by her age. Having a rapore with a therapist is incredibly important and having had some life experience will help with that. It's also important that they're well qualified and experienced and at 19 she's neither. She's barely left home. She can't have spent long training - you could just as quickly read up on 'wellness techniques' yourself. The fact that she's the daughter of old friends makes it even more inappropriate. To top it off it sounds like you don't need or want any therapy in the first place

Absolutely no way.
It is completely inappropriate for them to be procuring clients for her.
But completely inappropriate to discuss your personal life.. past OR present ...with someone who is a stranger to you.
Ànd you need to make it clear... you have changed your life around and dont need their input OR a therapist!!

‘Wellness coach’ = too lazy or unintelligent or both to get a proper job.

A 6 week training course and a certificate to show you've become a bore

😂